Archives: April 2015

Bruce Jenner Comes Out As Transgender

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

After months of rumors and tricks (this trick including) thinking that Bruce Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer might be a big STUNT QUEEN stunt to promote whatever Pimp Mama Kris wants promoted, Bruce came out as transgender and said the words, “I am a woman.” I live in the past that is the West Coast, so the interview isn’t airing right now, but thank the fuck for whoever invented the Internet, high-speed, computers, etc., because now I don’t have to wait a million years to watch Bruce pull out his pony, shake his mane and give us “I am woman, hear me roar.”

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It’s Hard Out There For A Club Bouncer Who Has To Buy Coke For Celebs

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Page Six says that a dude named Leonard Taylor, who worked as a bodyguard for Marky Mark and Uma Thurman, has thrown a $1 million lawsuit at a club owner for causing him emotional distress by making him buy the bad shit for famous types. Wait, let’s go back to Marky Mark. Marky “I Could’ve Stopped 9/11” Mark needs a bodyguard? Marky Mark can take out an entire army just by flexing. He probably needs a bodyguard to hold his Starbucks. That’s all.

Page Six reports that in the lawsuit that was filed in the New York Supreme Court, Leonard says that from 2006 to 2010 he worked for Barry Mullineaux, owner of several NYC clubs where famous types go. Leonard, who filed the lawsuit without a lawyer, claims that Barry made him do shady illegal shit like buy drugs for celeb whores, and he named names. You better stick a wine cork up your asshole, because reading about rich famous celebrities doing drugs is going to make you fall out of yourself.

“Mr. Mullineaux would get the money from the cash register. I would have to buy drugs for such celebrities as Barron Hilton, John Mayer, Chris Evans, Ms. [sic] America Tara Conner.”

It really is Captain America’s week! Leonard goes on to say that Barry also paid him in bunk money and smeared his good name by telling other clubs and celebrities that he’s a criminal druggie.

Mullineaux “has scammed financial backers out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.” And that he has a tape of “Barry paying [him] in fake money.”

Taylor, now unemployed, claims that “Barry was in debt to the mob through gambling debts and Barry had these clubs robbed to pay off debt.”

He also claims in his suit that it was Mullineaux’s “constant defamation of character that played a part of Mr. Taylor losing work … He has told celebrity friends, other club owners, security companies not to hire Mr. Taylor because of drug use and other criminal behavior.”

This Mullineaux dude tells Page Six that Leonard’s lawsuit is nothing but a paper covered in skid marks and lies, because none of it is true. He also says that Leonard has been stalking him and threatening him for money. John Mayer’s spokeswhore called the lawsuit a lie too. Leonardo once sued Marky Mark for $2 million, but the lawsuit was later dropped.

Leonardo pretty much lost me at “HAVE to buy drugs,” but I do believe that he suffered from severe emotional distress. I mean, being around a sober Barron Hilton would make anyone want a fist a garbage disposal, so I can only imagine the kind of pain you’d suffer through while being around a coked up Barron Hilton.

And the biggest crime here is that Leonardo called Tara Conner and Barron Hilton “celebrities.”

The Dr. Oz Show Isn’t A Medical Show, Okay?

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Dr. Oz has been doing the damage control shuffle hard this week after a group of doctors sent a letter to Columbia University, calling for him to be dropped from the faculty, because he’s full of banana-shaped shits and would gladly tell his disciples that Coke is a miracle weight-loss elixir if Coca-Cola gave him a big enough check. The group basically said that he’s the Wizard of Oz with a medical license. They slammed his ass for shitting on GMOs, turning his nose up at “evidence-based medicine” and promoting “quick treatments” for money. Well, Dr. Oz has greased up his face with Crisco (Vaseline lost the bidding war to be his fightin’ lube of choice) and stuck Gillette razors (yup, they won the bidding war against Schick) in his hair, because he’s fighting back.

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Open Post: Hosted By Brit Brit’s Cover Of “Tom’s Diner”

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Italian disco legend Giorgio Moroder (you haven’t lived until you’ve sung “Together In Electric Dreams” at karaoke) is back with Déjà Vu, his first album in 30 years, and he got a bunch of pop types (see: Kylie Minogue, Kelis, Sia and Charli XCX) to sing on it. One of those pop types is also Our Lady of Cheetos who used her ethereal hummingbird vocal cords to sing out a cover of Suzanne Vega’sTom Diner’s.” Somebody should have told Brit Brit to da-da DA-da da-don’t. No, Giorgio Moroder and Brit Brit’s cover of “Tom’s Diner” sounds exactly the way you’d expect it to sound. It’s very Daft Punkney. If you asked Siri to recite all the lyrics to “Tom’s Diner,” she’d sound more human than Brit Brit does.

Giorgio said that Brit Brit’s people actually came to him about being on the album. He and Brit Brit never spent time in the studio together, because they were always in different places. So she sang the track without him and then he sprinkled his magic on it afterward. It was probably a good thing that he wasn’t ever in the studio with her, because his last nerve would’ve split from her always stopping to ask questions. After singing, “And instead I pour the milk,” she’d stop and ask, “Why am I pouring the milk? Why ain’t I ordering flapjacks?” Then after singing, “Turning to the horoscope and looking for the funnies,” she stop and ask, “I like funnies, but I like cinnanun rolls better. Why am I not ordering cinnanun rolls?” She does have a point. That’s what has always bothered me about that song. Bitch is in that diner for that long and she never orders pancakes or food!

And here’s Brit Brit sounding like Rosie the Robot on Ambien and helium while singing “Tom’s Diner.”

via Paper

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Blac Chyna Wants You To Know That Tyga’s Trying To Get On Her Fake Ass Again

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Eyelash mogul/model/video ho/plastic surgery wonder Blac Chyna dragged 17-year-old Kylie Jenner by the chalupa lips the other day when she Instagrammed a picture of her wearing rubber lips the size of a rhino’s butt labia. Blac Chyna wasn’t done having a little Instagram fun and last night she threw up text messages that the father of her son King Cairo allegedly sent her. Blac Chyna wants everyone to know that while Tyga is waiting for his little girlfriend to finish having fun at a McDonald’s Playplace, he’s begging her to spend time with him and be one big happy, messy family. Blac Chyna exposed Tyga (or “Kings Father” as she calls his ass) with these screen shots:

blacchynatygatexts2015

Tyga didn’t call Blac Chyna out by name, but responded by tweeting: “Give it up.Get over it. Live Your Life. I ain’t here for the tea. Focus on what’s real in life. And surround yourself with people that you really care about.its simple.

Really, fighting over Tyga? Does his dick cum Juvéderm or something? Just like when my dad would tell me that he’s going to visit me over the weekend, I’ve been throwing a suspicious squint at this silicone love triangle since the beginning. You can’t trust anything a Kardashian (even a Kardashian-adjacent like Kylie Jenner) does. I bet they’re all in on it together and Pimp Mama Kris has been pulling all of their strings. PMK probably wrote, produced and directed this stunt. And tonight, she’ll try to yank all the attention away from Bruce Jenner’s big interview with Diane Sawyer by live streaming a three-way wedding between Blac Chyna, Tyga and Wite Chyna (aka Kylie) in Las Vegas. I’m on to all of them!

And here’s Kylie, PMK (brace yourself for the sight of PMK in hooker boots), Khlozilla and those other ones leaving some restaurant last night.

Pics: Splash

Calling Taylor Swift A Boy-Crazy Serial Dater Makes Taylor Swift Sad

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

If that cover line is true and Taylor Swift really was the guest editor, then I need to know what that sex move they “literally cannot get over” is. I bet it’s sex without a post-coital strawberry ice cream sundae. “Oh my gosh-ness, can you even imagine? That’s almost as raunchy as s-e-x with the lights on!” giggles Tay Tay, before apologizing for using such lewd language.

Crown Princess Butterscotch of The People’s Democratic Republic of Sunshine started whining during a recent interview with Glamour UK that even though she’s in a good place and has tons of friends and friendship friendship bla bla bla, she’s still haunted by her past reputation that she’s a boy-crazy stage-5 clinger who gets wet at the mere thought of his n’ hers embroidered towels. A reputation she thinks was invented by the media who is just, like, sooooo obsessed with her. Gawd, the media, stop being such a jealous hater!

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What Did An Avenger Say That Pissed People Off Today?

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above happily releasing a fart into the face of a 2-starred candy striper who knows what’s coming and doesn’t like (Side note: I know, I showed my nerd ignorance by not knowing who she’s dressed as. Or maybe I’m right and 2-Starred Candy Striper Girl is an actual superhero.), Robert Downey  Jr. is the latest Avenger to spit out some outrage fuel into the gas tank of the Internet.

On the same day that RDJ hit the nope switch and quit an interview after he was asked questions about politics and his drug days, The Guardian asked him for his thoughts on what Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu said about big-budget superhero movies full of explosions and more explosions. Alejandro said that big-budget superhero movieshave been poison, this cultural genocide, because the audience is so overexposed to plot and explosions and shit that doesn’t mean nothing about the experience of being human.” RDJ didn’t side-eye Alejandro for using the phrase “cultural genocide” to describe stupid superhero movies, but he did condescendingly slow clap over Alejandro, whose first language is Spanish, being able come up with such big English words on his own.

“Look, I respect the heck out of him, and I think for a man whose native tongue is Spanish to be able to put together a phrase like ‘cultural genocide’ just speaks to how bright he is.”

If you need to see those words come out of RDJ’s smug slit, skip to the 0:27 mark below:

This may blow RDJ’s mind, but English is my first language (“Could’ve fooled me, you illiterate bitch!” – you) and I can say “cultural genocide” in Spanish, French and Italian since it’s not that goddamn different.

Or maybe RDJ is side-eying Alejandro, who is Mexican, for casually using the phrase “cultural genocide” when Spanish explorers committed actual genocide hundreds of years ago. I don’t know! But I do know that these Avenger bitches are going all out during this press tour. Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans pissed people off by jokingly calling Black Widow a slut and a whore. During a taping of Graham Norton (which airs this weekend), Elizabeth Olsen apparently compared her character to a “gypsyand when Graham told her that word is a slur, Mark Ruffalo started chanting “gypsy” over and over again to get it out of his system. And now this. It’s as if right before the press tour started, the head of publicity said to their staff, “This movie is going to shit money into our mouths no matter what we do, so let’s just let those messes go out on their own and say whatever they want. Let’s commit liver genocide by boozing it up in the Caribbean, you slut whores!

Here’s RDJ, Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner and Mark Ruffalo on Good Morning America today.

Pics: Splash

Patrick Dempsey Is Still Surprised About What Happened On Grey’s Anatomy Last Night

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen this shit and plan on it. Speaking of, for those of you looking at this picture of McDreamy at the wheel and thinking “Wait, is this a spoiler?“, no! Of course not! He’s just swinging through the drive-thru at McDonalds for a 6-pack of nuggets and an extra large sweet tea.

Earlier in the week, a rumor started going around that Shonda Rhimes was planning a one-way trip for Patrick Dempsey on the Unemployment Express because he was acting like an entitled diva on the set of Grey’s Anatomy. Patrick’s character was half written out of the show by sending his ass to Washington D.C., but Washington was apparently not far enough for Shonda Rhimes, so Shonda gave Dr. Derek Shepherd the Poochie treatment by making him get into a car accident and killing his ass off the show. When someone is dead to Shonda Rhimes they are truly fucking dead to Shonda Rhimes.

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One Of The Twins From Everybody Loves Raymond Has Committed Suicide

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, this is a whole lot of sad for Friday morning. The Hollywood Reporter says that Sawyer Sweeten, one of the twin brothers from Everybody Loves Raymond, shot himself on the front porch of his family’s house in Texas on Thursday evening. He was 19 years old, and leaves behind his twin brother Sullivan. If you’ll excuse me, I need to find the nearest pile of pillows that resembles Marie Barone, because I need a hug. Sawyer’s older sister Madylin, who played his older sister Ally on Raymond, released a message about her brother’s death on Facebook saying:

“At this time I would like to encourage everyone to reach out to the ones you love. Let them have no doubt of what they mean to you.”

Sawyer’s Raymond co-stars have also released statements about his death, including Patricia Heaton, who tweetedThe entire cast of #EverybodyLovesRaymond is in shock. Prayers for the Sweeten family” and Ray Romano, who said:

“I’m shocked, and terribly saddened, by the news about Sawyer. He was a wonderful and sweet kid to be around. Just a great energy whenever he was there. My heart breaks for him, his family, and his friends during this very difficult time.”

I’ve probably seen every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond at least 6 times, so this is making me feel things. Although I did picture Sawyer being greeted by the ghost of Peter Boyle in the afterlife, and that made it a bit better.

I can’t find much about Sawyer’s life post-Raymond on the internet, but it looks like he was a Metallica fan. Sawyer, you had great taste in music; when I play “Nothing Else Matters” today, I’ll think of you. RIP Geoffrey Barone.

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