Archives: April 2015

QOTD: Giorgio Armani Doesn’t Like It When Men Dress Too Gay

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above serving up some pin-up Voldemort tease in a pair of super masculine black swim panties, 80-year-old Giorgio Armani let all the dudes know in an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine (via Towleroad) that if you see his picture after opening up Grindr near the Death Eaters’ lair, you better not message him if you’re full of muscle and not 100% masc. No fats, muscle marys or human men who get squeamish when a Slytherin sucks the life out of them during a salad tossing session. The Italian Oompa Loompa said that he doesn’t like it when a man dresses extremely homosexual and he also spat up a mini rant about muscles.

“A homosexual man is a man 100 per cent. He does not need to dress homosexual. When homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme – to say: ‘Ah, you know I’m homosexual,’ – that has nothing to do with me. A man has to be a man.

I don’t like muscle boy. Not too much gym! I like somebody healthy, somebody solid, who looks after his body but doesn’t use his muscles too much.”

Holy Google Translate HELL! That reads like my drunk ass translated it from Italian to English. And the only Italian I know I learned from the menu at the Olive Garden. But I still expect Elton John to lose his mind over this and boycott Giorgio Armani for a couple of hours.

I do love the line “homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme.” If I was an exhibit in a museum and the tour guide stopped in front of me as I was trolling PornHub in between writing a post about John Travolta as the Golden Girls played on the TV in front of me, they’d tell the museum goers, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is homosexuality exhibited to the extreme.” Actually, scratch that. The tour guide would say, “This is forever aloneness exhibited to the extreme.”

And is Giorgio Armani trying to destroy his company and make sales plummet? Is this all part of some insurance scheme? Because if he’s saying that men should only dress super manly and masculine, then he’s essentially saying that men shouldn’t buy the clothes he designs. I mean, he designed this super masculine ensemble (which I would totally wear to Smart + Final, by the way):

giorgioarmanimasculeine2015

Pics: Splash, Attitude UK

Open Post: Hosted By Blake NotSoLively Giving You Drowsy Bordello Showgirl

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m not sure if that The Age of Adaline movie is going to be an Ambien-induced boring train wreck that should’ve premiered on a Saturday afternoon on the Hallmark Hall of Fame channel or if it’s going to be a beautifully campy train wreck (probably the former), but I’m not about to pay the $45 and an internal organ (that’s the price of a movie ticket these days, right?) to find out. Besides, I’m pretty sure that at the end of that shit we find out that the real reason why Adaline doesn’t age is because she’s actually a hollow mannequin, which explains why she has the charisma of paint chips and tap water. But anyway, the premiere for that Age of Adaline movie happened in NYC yesterday and Blake NotSoLively showed up looking like Miss Kitty’s low-rent, opium-addicted nemesis.

Blake really went for it. She mixed red, lace, feathers AND leather. If one of Johnny Weir’s more understated skating costumes bareback fucked one of Liberace’s feathered capes, 9 months later that dress would pop out. Blake looked like a Fredrick’s of Hollywood mannequin getting attacked by a pack of red Fraggles. Red lace, leather and feathers is where tacky and trashy meets. What I’m saying is that this the hottest dress that Blake NotSoLively has ever worn. The next time she gets dressed, she needs to stand in front of a mirror and ask herself, “Would RuPaul think this is too much?” If the answer is no, she needs to add more feathers and tons of fucking sequins until the answer is YES.

And here’s more of Blake at that Adaline premiere with her hot piece of a co-star Michiel Huisman.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Aaron Taylor-Johnson Doesn’t Think He’s Too Young For Sam Taylor-Johnson Because He’s Always Felt Old

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

On the left, you have 48-year-old Fifty Shades director and secretary-treasurer of the Goopy Paltrow Appreciation Society Sam Taylor-Johnson. On the right, you have her 24-year-old piece of six years, actor and pants-dampening hottie Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Except in Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s mind, those two ages should come with a needs verification warning. Aaron recently told The Times (via Daily Mail) that he has always been an “old soul” type and that Sam has always been a I-can-still-pass-for-19-right? type, so their 24-year age difference isn’t that big a deal. Oh, also that he might have reverse-aging disease:

“I don’t notice it now – we just instinctively gel. People who know me call me Benjamin Button – they think I’m an old soul and she’s a young soul.”

Wait, so if Aaron Taylor-Johnson is a Benjamin Buttons type, doesn’t that mean he’s only going to get younger? (“I SURE HOPE SO!” hornily hollered Sam Taylor-Johnson). I think Aaron’s friends might be using Benjamin Buttons wrong. Are they confusing it with Jack syndrome, aka where your birth certificate says ’89 but you look ’59? Wait, that doesn’t work either. Is there a term for a dude who looks young, is young, but does old man things? Alex P. Keatonitis or Carlton Banksulism?

But even if he doesn’t think those 24 years are a problem, there will always be one fundamental age difference between Aaron and Sam: Aaron used to eat his Snack Pack pudding out of a plastic cup, whereas Sam Taylor-Johnson used to eat hers out of a can. Actually, I bet that’s how Madonna weeds out potential new boyfriends. “Do you remember eating pudding out of a can Y/N?

Here’s Benjamin Buttons looking like a Mountie who traded his horse for a Harley as he arrives at LAX yesterday with his wife, who sort of looks like Dobby the House Elf in RHOBH drag:

Pics: Splash

Big Sean And Ariana Grande Latte Broke Up After Only 8 Months And They’d Like You To Respect Their Privacy

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Expect Naya Rivera to tweet something like, “I normally don’t, but HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!

Grade schools everywhere are calling in extra guidance counselors today to comfort the children who are traumatized by the breakup of playground queen Ariana Grande Latte and her boyfriend of 8 long months Big Sean. Elementary school cafeterias will be serving pot brownies for the next couple of days and not just because it’s 4/20, but because they need to calm down all of the hysterical, bawling chirrun who have lost faith in true love. Reps for the Monster High Monster Grade School dropout and Big Sean pulled out a melodramatic generic statement from the file marked “break ups” and gave it to UsWeekly:

“They both deeply care for each other and remain close friends. We kindly ask that the media respect their wish for privacy regarding this personal matter at this time.”

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: Queefing up a serious statement over a relationship that lasted about as long an extended fart or saying that they want privacy during this difficult time. I’ve had meals at Outback that have lasted longer than their relationship and now that I think about it, I got the super sads when that meal ended and I should’ve released a serious statement about it. But I shouldn’t laugh at the dramatic toddler and her grown boyfriend. You know how kids are. They celebrate their one week anniversary of going around, so 8 months is a lifetime to them. I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is crying out real toddler tears, because the MASH game said she was going to marry Big Sean, live in a mansion with him, have 45 kids, drive a crystal carriage and get a job as a fairy princess. The MASH game lied to her!

An “inside source” tells UsWeekly that Big Sean’s baseball bat dick stopped paying a visit to Ariana Grande’s billion dollar pussy a few weeks ago, because they decided that they should end things now since their touring schedules are going to keep them apart for the next year. Or maybe they broke up because their contract expired. Or maybe her daddy made her break up with him for saying he gives her the big D on Instagram. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is going to rebound with Justin Bieber. The Biebs better spend more time on the Playskool weight bench, because Ariana likes to be carried around and her 2 ton ponytail weighs more than he does.

File Under “Opposite Of Shocking”: David O. Russell Was A Dick To Amy Adams On The Set Of American Hustle

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Is there an award for outstanding achievement in the field of subtle stank face excellence? Because Amy Adams should receive 10 of them. I mean, if that isn’t the face of “Hurry up and take the god damn picture already so I can boot scoot it away from this trick“, then I don’t know what is.

Thanks to this latest round of leaked Sony emails, we have another ‘David O. Russell is a ragey asshole’ story to add to the already pretty huge pile. The NY Daily News found an email sent to Sony’s Michael Lynton from his journalist brother-in-law, MSNBC’s Jonathan Alter that was sent in September of last year regarding David’s behavior on the set of American Wigs Hustle, and guess what? He was acting like a total douche! I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. So shocked. Somebody get me a Costco-sized tub of smelling salts.

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Johnny Depp Might Be Missing And His Marriage Is Still A Mess

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

The pause button was pressed on shooting for the ten millionth Pirates of the Caribbean movie in Australia after Johnny Depp jacked up his hand and needed surgery in the US. Johnny was supposed to be back in Australia on Thursday and filming was supposed to start up again today, but when today rolled around, the crew members expected the musky scent of dick fromage, kitchen grease and tonsil stones to waft up into their nostrils and that didn’t happen. Because apparently, Johnny Depp was a no-show and he never got on a plane to Australia. A “production source” tells the Sydney Confidential that Johnny is still in the US and crew members are cursing his name because they were sent home without pay when he failed to show his face on set.

“Everyone’s hoping they have managed to get him on another flight. But he still hadn’t hopped on a plane on Friday morning, which means production will already be running behind when principal photography starts again. Even if he managed to fly out over the weekend, the delay has forced the directors to change their shot lists for the week. They’ve had to rearrange what they can and can’t shoot before filming starts again. It’s quite unprofessional of Johnny to leave everyone waiting and wondering what’s happening.”

But Johnny Depp’s spokeswhore has pulled down his panties and shit all over that story. Johnny’s rep says that he didn’t pull a Lindsay Lohan on the crew, because he isn’t scheduled to be shooting right now. The rep said that there’s no need to put Johnny’s face on a milk carton or issue an Amber Alert on his ass, because he’s still in the US recovering. Although, his rep wouldn’t say when he’s supposed to go back to Queensland.

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Calvin Harris And Taylor Swift Might Not Work Out Because He’s Allergic To Her Pussies

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

According to MSN News, the adorable sunshine-haired match made in the PR offices of Candy Land that is the coordinated his-and-hers clothing romance between Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris is already in trouble, and it’s all because of her cats. A “source” (that gossipy skank Queen Frostine) says that Calvin discovered he was allergic to Tay Tay’s two butterscotch fur babies, Meredith and Olivia, after he tried to spend the night at Tay Tay’s sugar cookie compound in LA last week. Instead of snacking on her Sunkist Fun Fruit (ew, I’m sorry), he spent the whole night “blowing his nose and complaining he couldn’t breathe.

The source goes on to say that Tay Tay’s pussies shed like crazy and there’s cat hair all over the bed, so Calvin has suggested they start hooking up at his house or in hotel rooms. But since everyone knows Tay Tay’s legs won’t open unless someone guides her over to her pastel rose canopy bed using a Precious Places key, that probably won’t happen.

Calvin Harris better stock up on Costco-quantities of Benadryl if he wants to keep seeing Tay Tay, because there’s no way she’s going to choose him over her cats. Tay Tay is more attached to those pussies than she is her own pussy, and if push comes to shove, she’ll dump him faster than a bag full of stinky littler-crusted cat turds.

I’m sure if it was at all possible, Tay Tay would have had her cats present that Milestone Award she received from the Academy of Country Music last night instead of her mother Andrea, but I doubt her cats would have been into it. Unless it’s the red dot at the end of a laser pointer or a fresh pile of laundry, cats don’t give a shit.

And because no story about Tay Tay is complete without a couple pictures of her looking like a limited-edition Betty Draper Barbie doll, here she is in NYC on Saturday:

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Now Tina Brown Is Saying That Bobbi Kristina Is Off Life Support And Awake (UPDATE)

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

While wearing the white suite I wore to my communion, Bobby Brown told the audience at a show in Texas on Saturday night that his daughter Bobbi Kristina Brown is awake and watching him. Half of the audience probably got whiplash when they whipped their necks around to see if Bobbi Kristina was in the back of the audience watching Bobby B. I figured that Bobby was just saying that Bobbi Kristina is in “his heart.” But now Bobby Brown’s sister Tina Brown is straight-up saying on Facebook (via E! and TMZ) that Bobbi Kristina has woken up from a nearly three month coma and is off life support. I’ve tried to interpret Tina Brown’s note different ways, but there’s really no other way to interpret it and there’s 6 smiley faces in her message, which means she’s one hundred percent serious.

So many messages,sorry can’t answer them all right now but I will get to them later..just allow me this time with my family,,yes,she woke up and is no longer on life support!!!!!:):)God is good!!thanks for your prayers,,still a process,but she is going to be ok:):):):).”

Friends have also left messages on Tina Brown’s FB page saying that Bobbi Kristina is awake and off life support.

The Houston family hasn’t said anything about this and zero statements have come from Bobbi Kristina’s doctors. A source tells People that from what they know, her condition hasn’t changed and she’s still in a coma.

As far as I know, there’s been no change. We’re still hoping and praying that God will perform a miracle. We are leaving it in God’s hands.

Another source told Gossip Cop the same thing. Tina Brown is the same auntie who is reportedly shooting a reality show right now and has been blabbing to the press about Bobbi Kristina’s condition. So I’m throwing a level 2 Cissy Houston face at her FB post for now. And I can’t fully believe this until I see Dr. Phil flying through the sky after butt squirting out a geyser of excitement over possibly getting the first interview with Bobbi Kristina.

UPDATE: A Houston family source has thrown a level 5 Cissy Houston face at Tina Brown, because they told TMZ that Bobbi Kristina is still in a coma and on life support.

“She’s in the exact same condition she was in when she went into the facility.” They say there is “minimal” reaction … an occasional eye blink, but that’s it.

This Is What Justin Timberlake’s Baby Looks Like

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Justin Timberlake did the least Justin Timberlake-y thing noted attention enthusiast Justin Timberlake has ever done: he introduced the world to Silas Randall Timberlake, the week-old baby he made with Jessica Biel, by throwing up a picture on Instagram.

That’s right – Instagram. No 80-foot tall billboard in Times Square teasing the release of said picture on an upcoming pay-per-view website called TimberBabyPics.com followed by a secret midnight iTunes release of an album titled Songz 4 Silas?What is the world coming to when an attention-humper like Justin Timberlake is casually releasing the first picture of his offspring FOR FREE on Instagram?” thought People, as they threw their HERE’S MY BABAAAAY!!! mock-up cover template into the trash.

Not only that, but Justin he couldn’t even be bothered to pay tribute to his greatest look ever by debuting Baby Silas in a custom-made denim infant ensemble like I was hoping he would? Rude.

Baby Silas is barely over a week old, and I know that’s a little early to tell whether he looks like mommy or daddy, because all babies look like Mr. Burns at that age, but I don’t see much of Justin in Justin’s new baby. Where’s the tiny newborn-sized patch of crunch ramen noodle hair? Where’s the smug look of self-satisfaction? Where’s the video of him crying in dog whistle falsetto? Actually, now that I think of it, that open hungry mouth, just-woke-up-from-a-nap look in his eyes, and sweatpants/jersey look is more Unky Joey Fatone than anything. Joey Fatone, NO! How could you?!?

Pic: Instagram

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