Archives: April 2015

What In Kiss Of The Spider Woman Goes To Frederick’s HELL Is This Child Wearing?

April 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Residents of Indio, CA and surrounding cities were warned to keep all of their small pets indoors and that could only mean one thing: Khlozilla is in town!

Khlozilla is at Coochella this weekend to whore out some app (surprisingly, it isn’t an app which tells Sasquatches where the best warthog-hunting grounds around them are) and she threw a party for it yesterday. Her 17-year-old little sister Kylie Jenner showed up wearing I don’t even know what and brought along PedoBear’s latest trainee Tyga. The only thing missing from that picture is Chris Hansen popping up in that doorway to tell all three of these messes to have a seat. The return of To Catch A Predator can’t come soon enough. The only people who can pull off that lingerie catsuit thing that Kylie is wearing are RiRi, Vanity circa 1986 and an extra from Angel.

Kylie once said that she feels like Khlozilla is more of a mother to her than her actual mother Pimp Mama Kris, because she’s more strict.

“She has always been the strictest on me – taking away my cell phone, having my passwords to everything. It made me love and respect her so much because it just showed that she cared. [She's a] huge mother figure in my life”

Yup, letting her date a grown ass man and walking around like that is the epitome of STRICT! But Kylie isn’t giving PMK enough credit. PMK is strict in her own way. I mean, if PMK was at that party yesterday instead of sucking the life out of her latest victim somewhere, she’d definitely have something to say about Kylie’s outfit:

PMK – Kylie, I am really disappointed with what you’re wearing. Did you not see the outfit I laid out for you on your bed? You should wear that instead.

Kylie – But Kris, there was nothing on my bed except for a pair of heels and a choker.

PMK – Exactly, honey!

And the other Jenner wearing a Megadeath t-shirt is way, way more offensive than Kylie’s outfit.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Gilbert Blythe From Anne Of Green Gables Has Died

April 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Children of the 70s are in mourning over the death of Thelma’s football player husband in Good Times, everyone who was around in the 90s are mourning the death of Johnny Kemp, abuelitas are in mourning over the death of Sábado Gigante and now Canadians and children of the 80s are mourning of the death of actor Jonathan Crombie who played Gilbert Blythe in several Anne of Green Gables movies. Everyone is wearing a black lace veil today.

Jonathan Crombie, who was also the son of former Toronto mayor David Crombie, died of a brain hemorrhage in NYC on April 15th. He was only 48. Jonathan’s sister confirmed his death to CBC News.

Jonathan played Gilbert Blythe, Anne’s boo, in Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Green Gables: The Sequel and Anne of Green Gables: The Continuing Story. He also played Gilbert in an episode of Avonlea. In addition to the Anne of Green Gables movies, he was in episodes of The Good Wife and 21 Jump Street and he made his Broadway debut in The Drowsy Chaperone. Megan Follows, who was the Anne to his Gilbert, remembered Jonathan with this sweet statement:

“He was incredibly funny, Jonathan just had an amazing sense of humour. Truly I just remember at times just laughing so hard that you’d just be crying. He was so playful and silly and as I said really bright, so his humour was always informed with that, which made him even funnier. He had that beautiful face. He was a lot of fun he was very open so you just felt he was someone who really wanted to play and it really was a new experience for him. We were all just in it to do the best that we could and we had a lot of fun.”

In the 5th grade, one of my friends was really into Anne of Green Gables. I’d go over his house a few times a week and he’d make me watch Anne of Green Gables every single time. He knew all the words and everything. His mom, who only spoke Chinese, later learned English from watching Anne of Green Gables with us over and over again. After about the 50th time watching it, I eventually started crushing on Gilbert Blythe and wanted to fight Anne for his hand. A piece of Canada and and a piece childhoods of the 80s have died.

Rest in peace, Gilbert Blythe.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Queen Gina from The Real Housewives of Melbourne!

This HSOTD has been a long, long time coming and I should double slap myself for not writing a 10,000 word post about Queen Gina as soon as I laid eyes on her car paint-covered beauty last year. After binge watching 5 episodes from the second season of RHoM, I finally decided to pay homage to the most gorgeous creature in Australia! If a male lion overdosed on human estrogen, was shaved, covered in wax and given a makeover by a Reno, NV area drag queen from the late 80s, he would be stunningly gorgeous, but still couldn’t hold a candle to Queen Gina’s drag queen lion hotness.

Gina Liano has been on the RHoM since the beginning (“Since the beginning.” I act like that shit has been on as long as Sábado Gigante. It’s only been 2 seasons!) and is the greatest thing about it. By day, Queen Gina is a criminal barrister who has never ever lost a case (I made that up), because every time she sashays into the court room, the judge, jury and everybody else are knocked out by the sparks of glamour that shoot off of her lip liner and she wins by default. By night, Queen Gina performs charity work for the lessers by injecting sequined-embedded glamour into boring events all over Melbourne. Queen Gina wears so much makeup that if she ever came across a group of needy, makeup-less drag queens, she could easily scrape 5 gallons of foundation, lipstick and liquid eyeshadow from her mug and give it to them. Queen Gina also dresses like a spokesmodel in a fourth-tier game show from 1987.

Queen Gina isn’t only a prime example of what every human (man, woman AND child) should look like, but she’s also a prolific philosopher who regularly spits out pure words of wisdom and she’s a champion of feminism. During an episode from this season, Queen Gina let the other Housewives know that she doesn’t think it’s okay to call another woman a bitch. But last season, Queen Gina called another Housewife a “cunt” to her face in a fine dining eating establishment. A true feminist hero!

But Queen Gina’s greatest quality is that knows that glamour should always come first and it’s her greatest weapon. One of the best Queen Gina moments was from last season when all of those hating heffas were screaming at her at the table and she couldn’t be bothered. When your haters shoot words of hate at you, let those words of hate ricochet off of the layers of powder you’re applying to your face.

queenginamakeup

All hail Queen Gina! She is woman. She is glamour. She is beauty. She is intelligence. She is feminism. She is hairspray. She is rhinestones. She is bronzer. She IS Queen Gina!

Pics: Wenn.com, Tumblr, Arena, Bravo

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Birthday Sluts

April 19, 2015 / Posted by:

James Franco (37)
Sam Woolf (19)
Maria Sharapova (28)
Maxine (29)
Catalina Sandino Moreno (34)
Hayden Christensen (34)
Troy Polamalu (34)
Nick Groff (35)
Kate Hudson (36)
Luis Miguel (45)
Jesse James (46)
Ashley Judd (47)
Suge Knight (50)
Ruby Wax (62)
Tony Plana (63)
Paloma Picasso (66)
Tim Curry (69)

Pic: GQ

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Open Post: Hosted By Jaden Smith’s Coachella Flower Crown

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

This year’s Coachella has been a major snoozefest. All last weekend, I had my hands clasped together, praying for some classic Coachella fashion fuckery, like a bikini top made out of fake prayer beads and whatever it’s called when you dampen your skin and pour sand on it (raise your hands if you ever traced a peace sign on your arm in spit and covered it with playground sand in middle school), or cut-off jean shorts that are basically a denim waistband with a modesty zipper.

Thankfully, someone stepped up to the WTF plate this weekend, and that person is wealthy teenage cosmic thetan philosopher Jaden Smith. Because Jaden Smith doesn’t have to worry about bullshit like school or homework or part-time jobs, he was able to dedicate his full attention to curating (you know he uses that word) his best Coachella look, which I’m guessing by this picture is tea cozy Lana Del Rey trust fund raver toddler hedgehog. But speaking of that flower crown…I thought Jaden was supposed to be some high-fashion savant? Why in the world is he wearing a flower crown? Didn’t those things get buried in Coachella’s hipster graveyard back in 2013? Maybe he’s doing it to be ~ironic~. If so, I eagerly await the day he decides to bring back YOLO shirts and neon plastic shutter shades.

Pics: PacificCoastNews, Splash

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Ben Affleck Tried To Shush A PBS Show From Talking About His Family’s Shady Past

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Thanks to the final round of leaked Sony emails that hit the internet on Thursday, we now know that one of the branches on Ben Affleck’s family tree contains slave owners. Something that, in a weird ironic twist, Ben Affleck tried desperately to hide during the filming of an episode of the PBS genealogy program Finding Your Roots. Wait – is that irony, or just shitty luck? Either way, Fred O’Bannion didn’t want anyone to know about his slave-owning relatives, and now we know. So whatever the word for that is, it’s that.

According to an email thread from July 2014 between Sony’s Michael Lynton and host Henry Louis Gates Jr., Ben Affleck had agreed to appear on Finding Your Roots, but he didn’t want them to find all his roots, so he asked producers to exclude the part about his family’s slave-owning ancestry. Unfortunately, Henry Louis Gates Jr. wasn’t so keen on the idea of hitting ctrl+alt+delete on his past, because in his words, “once we open the door to censorship, we lose control of the brand.” He also never refers to Ben Affleck by name, but by “Batman.” Somewhere in Gotham City, Bruce Wayne just started nervously scrolling through the Ancestry.com profile Alfred set up for him.

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Zachary Levi And His Wife Of 10 Months Are Calling It Quits On Their Marriage

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, so much for that old saying: The couple who Instagrams fake moustache selfies together stays together (that’s a saying, right?). TMZ says that after ten months of being married, Zachary Levi (aka Chuck from Chuck, Flynn from Tangled, John Krasinski’s off-brand drug store equivalent) and Missy Peregrym (aka Andy from Rookie Blue, or bobo Amy Jo Johnson as she’s known in my brain) are yanking off their wedding rings, slipping them into a pre-paid Cash4Gold envelope, and throwing them in the nearest mailbox, because they are DONE with each other.

Zachary and Amy Jo Johnson Missy got secret married in Hawaii last June, but it sounds like their marriage was dead long before they officially called it quits. TMZ says Missy filed divorce papers last week and listed their date of separation as December 3, 2014, which means technically their marriage bit the dust after only six months. Of course, they pretty much cursed the whole thing back in June when they announced their future mistake by throwing this pic up on Instagram:

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In order of Hollywood relationship curses, it goes: tattoo, name change, matching personalized clothes, recording a duet, appearing on a VH1 reality show. So really, they should have known better with those MR & MRS hoodies. I bet if they check in the pocket, there’s a business card for a divorce lawyer inside.

Really though, ten months isn’t that bad for two famous types (Clippy just popped up on my screen with a speech bubble that said “Did you mean to write famous adjacent?” Thanks, Clippy). I think ten months might actually qualify them for a Hollywood Marriage Merit Badge.

Pics: Instagram

Sofia Vergara Wants To Keep Those Frozen Embryos She Made With Nick Loeb Frozen Forever

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Warning: my only knowledge of freezing human stuff comes from Austin Powers, so please prepare yourself by drinking an extra-large mug of Throat Coat tea. You’re going to need it when you bust your vocal cords from repeatedly shouting “OMG THAT’S NOT WHAT FREEZING IS, YOU MAPLE-DIPPED DUMBASS!

Earlier this week, we found out that Sofia Vergara’s ex-boyfriend Nick Loeb was suing her over a bunch of frozen embryos they made while they were still together. It was a pretty messy lawsuit; Nick still wanted to make a baby using their embryos and was alleging that Sofia wanted to dump them in the trash. It was all very Not Without My Embryocicles. Now Sofia is getting out her plastic fly swatter and swatting at Nick’s claims that she’s an embryo destroying monster, while also getting in a little subtle shade. Sofia’s lawyer (no, it’s not Mitchell Prittchett) tells People:

“The claims made against Sofia Vergara by Nick Loeb are uncredible and hold no merit. Vergara has never wanted to destroy her embryos. Vergara has never suggested that she wished to have the embryos destroyed. She has always maintained that they be kept frozen, a fact of which Loeb and his counsel have always been aware, despite Loeb’s statements to the contrary. Vergara, who has happily moved on with her life, is content to leave the embryos frozen indefinitely as she has no desire to have children with her ex, which should be understandable given the circumstances.”

Her lawyer goes on to say that no action can be taken in regards to the embryos unless both parties consent to it, which means they’re probably going to be on ice forever. Of course, there’s always a chance Sofia might change her mind and decide to make a baby with Nick, but something tells me Satan has a better chance of getting frostbite on the tip of his dick than that being something that happens.

 

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

La Cuatro (as played by Gloria Benavides) from Sábado Gigante!

I didn’t leave my house yesterday, but I’m sure the streets were filled with weeping abuelitas and old tias who were wailing while wearing black lace veils over their heads as they mourned the death of the heart of Univision. Univision dropped forty five hundred gallons of pure sad yesterday when they announced that after 53 years of existing, they are killing the iconic three-hour variety show SAH-BAH-DOE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-GONE-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Its last episode will air on September 19th. Sábado Gigante made its debut on Chilean television in 1962 and after it took Latin America by hurricane (saying “by storm” feels like an understatement) it moved its production to Miami in 1986 and Univision started producing it. It has played every Saturday night for forever and tens of millions of people in 40 countries watch it. It set a Guinness World Record for the longest-running variety show in history. And soon it will be over.

The Los Angeles Times says that Don Francisco (born name: Mario Luis Kreutzberger Blumenfeld), who created the show and has hosted it since the beginning, made the decision in 2012 to end the show in 2015. His old ass is ready to retire and he wanted to go out when the show was still on top. He plans to still host specials and produce new shows for Univision. As millions of abuelitas prayed in front of their santo candles and wondered if there really is a GOD, Don Francisco released this statement about the death of a legendary show:

“I have no words to thank our viewers for the support, loyalty and enthusiasm with which they have honored us through the years and which have allowed the show to become an unprecedented success in the history of this medium.” ….”From the start we made sure to ask, ‘What does the audience want?!’ And we have worked tirelessly for precisely that audience, with the utmost dedication, humility and deep respect. I have no words to acknowledge all the recognition and applause that we have received over the years. When we began in the United States in 1986, we told them that we were ‘separated by distance and united by the same language.’ Today I can say with great pride and satisfaction that that distance turned into closeness and affection.”

I used to watch this show with my abuelita and I really didn’t know what they were saying, but every time she laughed, I laughed and every time she fell asleep and started snoring (which was usually about 30 minutes into that shit), I took my ass to the other room to watch something else. The character I remember loving the most, besides Dr. Cosabella, was La Cuatro! La Cuatro has hair like a Charo impersonator, a face that was cut from the same gorgeous cloth as Sally Struthers and she always wears the most glamorous of apron dresses, because she’s always ready to serve up some true entertainment. Her thing is to always interrupt Don Francisco during the show to deliver some much-needed TALENT. This is a newer clip, so I haven’t seen it, but it confirms to me that La Cuatro really needs her own headlining show in Vegas. Brit Brit, Mimi, Celine who?

RIP Sábado Gigante. I guess this means that Saturdays will also be no more because how can there be Saturday without Sábado Gigante. After September 19th, our weekends will be one day long and we’ll jump directly from Friday to Sunday. Blame Don Francisco. And long live La Cuatro!

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Birthday Sluts

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

11

Conan O’Brien (52)
Moises Arias (21)
Britt Robertson (26)
Alia Shawkat (26)
Samantha Jade (28)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (28)
America Ferrera (31)
Kourtney Kardashian (36)
Bryce Johnson (38)
Melissa Joan Hart (39)
Edgar Wright (41)
Eli Roth (43)
David Tennant (44)
Maria Bello (48)
Eric McCormack (52)
Jeff Dunham (53)
Jane Leeves (54)
Eric Roberts (59)
Melody Thomas Scott (59)
Rick Moranis (62)
Dorothy Lyman (68)
James Woods (68)
Hayley Mills (69)

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