Archives: April 2015

Night Crumbs

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Matthew McConaughey’s beard has taken a life of its own and it looks like it’s eating his face. The Texas T-Rex (who kind of looks like this wooden Jesus statue my abuelita kept on top of her TV) needs to quickly shave it off before it eats his eyes! He can give me his beard shavings afterward, because you know you’d get a new kind of stoned if you smoked that shit - Lainey Gossip 

Dear Lassie dog in the background, tip that hillbilly chipmunk while you have the chance! Tip her! – Drunken Stepfather

Somebody really needs to start a charity for poor enslaved millionaire Shia LaDoucheCelebitchy

The plot for Kandi’s Ski Trip is very “The Shining” and Mama Joyce is the Jack Nicholson role, of course – Reality Tea 

So Just Jack and his husband did this… – Towleroad

I don’t know what people are talking about. I think Selena Gomez has looked great ever since she lost that 110 pounds of douche she was carrying around – The Superficial 

Olivia Wilde serving up some 60s Midwestern librarian chic – Popoholic

It’s Shirtless Friday again and this time there’s a special fluffy guest (No, I’m not talking about a pube bush. This time.) – The Berry 

Miley Cyrus took her Justin Bieber hair for a hike – Hollywood Tuna 

That hot bitch who was on Nashville and is on Game of Thrones now has an ass and this is what it looks like – OMG Blog

Tidal’s CEO took the next wave out of there – Jezebel

Today in “Sure, Jan, Josh Hartnett says he turned down Superman, Spider-Man and Batman – IDLYITW

In case you need to be reminded that Betty White’s still got it and has got it better than all of us – SOW

Columbia University will be getting an ALL-CAPS, curse-filled text of rage from Dr. Oz’s number one fan, my mom, as soon as she figures out how to text Columbia University – HuffPo

Are there Hobbits in Game of Thrones? – ICYDK

They say that Kylie Jenner is on the cover of Teen Vogue, but where? Because that’s not Kylie Jenner on the cover – Just Jared 

Borat and Isla Fisher named their kid “Montgomery Moses,” which sounds like an old-timey phrase that people would say instead of “Jesus Christ.” I’ll put it in a sentence: “Montgomery Moses, Ethel, the cows ran off again!” – Popsugar

Pic: Getty

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Things That Exist: A Japanese Game Show That Mixes Handjobs And Karaoke

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

You know how sometimes you’d go on a first date and you and the dude couldn’t find anywhere to bone, so you’d rent a private room at a karaoke place and give him a sloppy hand job while he sang out “Blister In The Sun”? Well, Japan has made a game show out of that, because Japan!

On the Japanese late-night adult channel game show Sing What Happens, dudes have to sing every note of a song they’ve memorized while a chick in a nurse costume tugs on his peen. The dude can’t miss a lyric and has to hit each note perfectly while Nurse Handjob tries to squeeze an orgasm out of him. If the dude busts one before the song is over, he loses. But if he makes it all the way and sings the song to perfection, he gets money and a bunch of other prizes. Dangerous Minds says that sometimes the nurse uses her feet. (That sound you hear is Quentin Tarantino furiously swimming to Japan right now.)

This makes me think of that other Japanese game show where straight dude porn stars tried not to cum while getting sucked off by a gay guy. (Surprisingly, the name of that show wasn’t A Mouth Is A Mouth or Just A Regular Night At The Scientology Bath House.) Japan truly knows what people want in a game show. We want handjobs and dick sucking. Take note, America! But you know, I bet Ryan Seacrest has taken note and at this very moment his assistant is searching for a nurse uniform in his size while he pitches the American version of Sing What Happens starring him to the networks.

The truth is, the guys in the long ass clip below are amateurs. I mean, Kanye West can rap while jacking himself off and fisting his butt at the same time. He does it every time he performs. Take that, Japan!

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Open Post: Hosted By Zayn Malik’s Shaved Dome

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Just a few weeks after thousands of dog ear drums burst and garage door openers exploded from the high-pitched sound of the Directioners wailing over the hot one leaving the group of hollering twinks in skinny jeans that is One Direction, the hot one made his solo red carpet debut (Yes, I punched myself for typing “solo red carpet debut“) with his mom at the 5th Asian Awards in London tonight. Zayn Malik took a page out of Justin Timberlake’s post-boy band playbook by shaving all of the twinks right out of his hair, because pomade-covered big hair equals boy band and a shaved head equals serious solo artist, or something. Zayn’s shaved head is giving me three things:

1. Shaved head Britney with a beard and wild Woolly Bear Caterpillar brows.

2. The title character in Hitman if Hitman was an after-school special on Nickelodeon.

3. The look that every stoner works the day after their job announces mandatory drug testing.

If you’re in the London area and see a bunch of deranged chicks checking the dumpsters around every barber shop, don’t worry. They’re just looking for Zayn’s shaved-off locks. They want to make a crotch wig or mold a hairy dildo out of his locks. That’s all!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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The Queen Of The Front Row Made An Appearance Last Night

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Sorry, but I’m not referring to Anna Wintour or that roided-up right arm of hers (seriously, she looks like she was cobbled together using the spare parts from a He-Man doll, and I am concerned). I’m talking about Harper Seven Beckham, who dragged her family to something called the Burberry ‘London in Los Angeles’ event last night. I know Harper is barely able to count to 20, but she’s already more sophistimacated than I’ll ever be. People says that during the show, an “insider” tells them Harper used her platform as the unofficial queen of the front row (sorry, Kanye) to school all those déclassé tricks on how to pick your nose like a lady:

“David doted on her the entire time, stroking her hair and chatting back and forth as she pointed things out on the runway. She would even clap along when everyone else did. At one point, she (I assume) told him she needed to pick her nose because he held up his hand to cover her face while she did so, then laughed after she was done and was wiping her nose.”

And here I am blowing mine, farmer-style, into a used McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper. Harper Seven should really consider pestering her mommy to invest some of her Spice World residual checks in a finishing school, because some of us could greatly benefit from her mentorship.

Sadly, there are no pictures of Harper and her family arriving at that Burberry event last night, but here’s everyone else. I want to say it was some kind of fancy British fashion event, but that would be a lie, because the fanciest British person I’m aware of, Hyacinth Bucket, was not in attendance. Instead, we have Naomi Campbell, Cara Della Reese, Ryan Seacrest, and a very pregnant Jaime “Not That Ja’mie King” King.

Pics: Instagram, Splash, Wenn.com

Watching The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Reunion Drove Kim Richards Over The Edge

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above next to a melting Jocelyn Wildenstein action figure, Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was charged with all sorts of shit yesterday morning after she went to Mean Drunk Town at the Beverly Hills Hotel and allegedly kicked a cop at the police station. (There are many times when it’s good to be a rich-ish white woman and the moment after you kick a cop is one of those times.) Kim was only given a citation and released back into the wild. Kim hasn’t said anything about her arrest, but a source (aka Kingsley using a pay phone at the dog training place) tells TMZ that watching the RHoBH reunion really messed her up.

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The Internet is Swatting At Michael Buble For Instagramming A Picture Of A Stranger’s Ass

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber’s less-assholey adult contemporary equivalent Michael Bublé (I don’t know if that makes any sense, but they’re both Canadian and give off a strong douche vibe, so it works for me) recently found himself in trouble with the angry fist-shakers of the internet after he posted a picture of some random chick’s ass disguised as a smug-faced selfie to Instagram. Personally, I’m more offended by the fact that he thinks it’s ok to serve up some lazy Uncle Rico realness with that fist-assisted bicep bro pose, but that’s just me.

According to the caption on the picture, it was taken by Bublé’s wife Luisana Lopilato on Monday at someplace in Miami that looks like either the check-in desk of a hotel or a very fancy Taco Bell affiliate I just made up called Taco Chime.

There was something about this photo lu took, that seemed worthy of instagram. #myhumps #babygotback #hungryshorts #onlyinmiami #picoftheday #beautifulbum

The only problem is, some of his 1 million Instagram followers didn’t think it was cute that he was splashing a sneaky picture of that lady’s lower buttcheeks creeping out of her short-shorts all around the internet, and they started hissing at him for it and calling him a creep. Once Bublé realized he couldn’t croon his way out of that mess, he released a sorry-not-sorry statement to UsWeekly:

“I do not court controversy, but I realize that a photo that was meant to be complimentary and lighthearted has turned into a questionable issue. It hurts me deeply that anyone would think that I would disrespect women or be insulting to any human being. I regret that there are people out there who found the photo offensive. That was not and is not my intention. Women are to be celebrated, loved, respected, honored and revered. I’ve spent my life believing that and will continue to do so.”

Michael Bublé is full of Bullshité if he thinks he can play this off as anything other than a “haw haw, look at this butt” pic. If he truly was in awe of Turquoise Shirt’s magnificent ass, then he would have asked permission before he took a picture. Owners of top-shelf asses don’t just give that shit away for free.

Pic: Instagram

The Difficult Brown Really Is Somebody’s Father

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

When the world found out that Chris Brown actually procreated, some people didn’t really believe it and refused to believe it until Child Protective Services announced their plans to build an office right next to his house. But it’s really true and Chris Brown confirmed that he’s a father to a 10-month-old girl by posting a picture of them together on Instagram. The Difficult Brown made the tiny human with Instagram model Nia Guzman and she named their daughter Royalty. Inside sources (“inside” as in “inside of my head“) tell me that Nia named their daughter after Royalty Check Cashing on Van Nuys Blvd., the place where she’ll cash her child support checks from Fist Brown every month.

Along with the picture, Chris Brown added a note where he said that his adorable daughter is the “twin” who “God blessed” him with. It’s obvious that Chris Brown has vision problems (see: the pictures below of his hair looking like a My Little Pony scooted all over it after taking a wet shit), but I didn’t know his vision problems were that bad!

Some parents say that having kids really changed their lives and made them a different person. Usually, what they mean by that is, raising a baby turned them into a frazzled zombie and they have to end each night by silently screaming in the bathroom in between taking giant gulps from a bottle of $4 wine. But sometimes they mean that having kids made them more responsible, more mature and less selfish. Whenever a parent tells me that, I tell them that they’re doing the opposite of selling me on parenthood, because I don’t want to stop being irresponsible, immature and selfish.

What I’m trying to say is that maybe fatherhood will change The Difficult Brown’s violent piece of asshole douche trash ways (HAHAHAHA!). If that happens, then Baby Royalty is a miracle-working wizard and she needs to continue to work her magic on Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, etc… etc….

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Maury Povich Talks About The Weirdest Paternity Test Result To Ever Happen On Maury

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

And no, it has nothing to do with Papa John impregnating a woman with a half-human, half-pepperoni baby (I wish); I just wanted to use a picture of Maury Povich giving the kind of stank face I picture he gives Connie Chung after discovering she accidentally threw out his last box of Touch of Gray by Just for Men.

Foxy paternity-testing salt & pepper pop-pop (don’t judge me) Maury Povich did a Reddit AMA yesterday, and one of the questions he was asked was what he thought was the most memorable moment on his show. Based on my Raymond Babbitt-like knowledge of Maury episodes, I assumed Maury would answer either every time dude busted out a next-level not-the-father end zone dance or the time one of his staffers dressed up like a giant tampon to cure a bitch of her cotton ball fear, because those are some memories that will never die. But according to Maury, it was the WTF results of a paternity test for twins:

“It’s happened twice. A woman accused a guy of being the father of her twins. And when I opened the envelope —and I don’t know the answers before anybody else does —he was the father of one of the twins, but not the other. And they were fraternal twins. And science says that’s a million-to-one shot, that there could be two fathers of twins. And it’s happened twice. So the million-to-one shot has come in twice. And that’s the most surprised I ever was.”

I knew that shit could happen to cats. But people? And can those babies even technically be considered twins? That’s more like two half-siblings sharing a room at the same time. I dunno, science is confusing – especially for someone whose sole source of human fertilization information is Maury.

But I think the thing that’s most shocking about that story is learning that those paternity tests on Maury are real. I’m truly shocked!

ICYMI: The Bootleg Trailer For Batman V Superman

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

The trailer for Zack Snyder’s Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice was supposed to make its debut to the public in select IMAX theaters on Monday. No, it’s not going to play in front of another movie. The trailer is going to play by itself in a special screening and fans have to RSVP to guarantee their asses a seat. I was going to throw a side-eye at the hos RSVPing for a damn trailer, but I am not the one to judge. If a proper Showgirls sequel was made and the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer was released only in theaters, I’d be typing out this post while waiting in line. But anyway, someone decided to screw with Warner Bros. yesterday by leaking a blurry, bootleg Portuguese version of the trailer. I’m sure most nerds were attached to an IV drip full of Gatorade last night from orgasming until they came dust while watching the trailer for the new Star Whores movie, so I’m not sure if any of them even bothered to touch themselves over their pants while watching the Batman V Superman trailer.

The trailer is about as light as a Catholic funeral and while our ears are hit with a bunch of pretentious voice overs, our eyes are hit with men staring at things. There’s a whole lot of staring going on. There’s Superman staring at stuff and Batman doing a spot-on impersonation of an Easter Island figure while staring at stuff. I have a feeling that the movie’s most riveting scene will be a staring contest between Batman and Superman. The trailer ends with Batman getting into some kinky, Fifty Shades of Rubber talk by saying, “Do you bleed? You will.

UPDATE: The blurry, pirated one that was filmed on a potato was snatched away, but Warner Bros. released the trailer in HD.

And I really hope the second trailer gives us a long glimpse of this pivotal scene:

batmanvssuperman04172

What’s the point of making a Batman V Superman movie if you’re not going to include the only superhero moment that any of us (read: me, just me) care about!

Pic: i09, Video: Vulture

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