Archives: April 2015

This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again, Ten Million Times Over

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

According to Wikipedia, China is currently the King of Population, but if they want to hold onto their crown, they better lift that one-child law and get to bareback boning, because the Duggars are coming for their title hard.

Just two weeks after Jill Duggar spent 70 hours giving birth to Duggar #345,598,999, another one of the Duggar girls is contributing to the Duggar’s plan to overtake the world. I get all the Duggar kids confused, so when I read the headline, “Jessa (Duggar) Seewald Is Pregnant” at People, I thought the one who just popped out a baby was knocked up with another one and I shrugged, because those Duggars do not waste any time. There’s always a “no vacancy” sign hanging on their uteruses.

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A Pennsylvania Judge Has Ruled That Sherri Shepherd Is The Mother Of Lamar Sally’s Surrogate Baby

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Shortly after it was announced that Sherri Shepherd was calling it quits with her questionably-employed husband of three years Lamar Sally, he ran to the press to tell them that she was also trying to wash her hands of an unborn surrogate baby. Sherri’s story was that the baby – which was made when Sherri and Lamar were still together – was only made so that sneaky gold-digging trick Lamar could get his hands on a stack of child support cash every month, and she was doing everything possible to scoot away from that mess.

Unfortunately for Sherri, it looks like Lamar’s maybe-shady plan worked, because TMZ says a Pennsylvania judge ruled earlier today that she is legally the mother of their surrogate baby, Lamar Sally Jr., who was born in Pennsylvania last August. Naturally, Lamar Sr. is thrilled with the judge’s decision, and thinks Sherri now owes him a public apology:

“I want her to go on television and apologize the same way that she went on there and accused me of being a gold digger and tricking her into having a baby.”

Go on television? He knows she’s not on TV anymore, right? Speaking of gold digging, Lamar is still going to have to wait a bit to see how much cash he’ll get from his ex-wife for his flawless money-making plan…I mean, baby. TMZ says all the child support stuff will be worked out in a court in Los Angeles at a later date.

The only thing that could have made this situation any better would be if the paternity results had been read out on Maury so we could see Lamar’s “You ARE the mother!” end-zone dance. No, really – it’s literally the only thing that could have made it better, because everything about this situation is the absolute worst.

Acting Like A Diva Might Get Patrick Dempsey Fired From Grey’s Anatomy

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Cue everyone thinking “Wait, that shit is still on?” before checking what year it is to make sure they haven’t fallen through a wormhole to 2005. But yes, Grey’s Anatomy is still a thing that exists, and Page Six says that Shonda Rhimes is getting very close to giving McDreamy the Dr. Izzy Stevens treatment, aka firing his ass for acting like a difficult diva bitch. A “source” says Patrick Dempsey isn’t getting along with Shonda, which can only mean one thing. Better start lining up the ZzzQuil commercials, buddy:

“Patrick has been acting like a diva and has clashed with Shonda. She suspended him for a while, and the word on set is that he isn’t coming back full time. Given all the past problems with Katherine Heigl and Isaiah Washington, there is little tolerance on the show for troublesome talent.”

Patrick signed a two-year contract back in 2014, so who knows what will happen with that.

I haven’t watched Grey’s Anatomy in years, but the internet tells me that Patrick’s character has recently taken a job in Washington D.C., which sounds a lot like the time the writers of Itchy & Scratchy conveniently decided it was time for Poochie to “return” to his home planet. And because Shonda Rhimes truly doesn’t play, she hinted to EW back in January that Washington might be McDreamy’s home planet by saying: “It’s highly possible that we might not see Derek for a while.

Patrick Dempsey’s wife of 15 years filed for divorce back in January and they didn’t have a prenup, so right now isn’t a great time to be getting fired from a good-paying job for acting like a twat. You need the money, Patrick! Those Can’t Buy Me Love residual checks aren’t going to cover everything.

Here’s McDiva looking like the missing Butabi brother at a screening of Winning: The Racing Life of Paul Newman last week:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

These Two Messes Are Right On Cue

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Everyone can stop searching the silver bracelet section of every Santa Fe gift shop and stop peeking through the scarf rack at Loehmann’s with a flashlight, because Johnny Depp has turned up!

Just a quick minute after the press in Australia declared Johnny Depp missing and Page Six said that his marriage to Amber Heard was in a freezer at the morgue, he and his wedded piece turned up the smiles during a happy couple photo-op show for the paps in Brisbane today. Johnny is back in Australia to finish shooting Pirates of the Caribbean VVVIIII: A Check Is A Check, Arrr after he took some time out to let his jacked-up hand heal. Sources said that Johnny was supposed to be back in Australia last Thursday, but he didn’t show up and although the crew members didn’t miss his hair lard splattering against their faces when it got windy, they were pissed at him for holding up production. But he’s baaaaaaaack!

As Johnny thought to himself “For where am I?” Amber acted like she was Anita Ekberg in La Dolce Goddamn Vita by giving it to the paps after they got off a private jet. I don’t know why, but these pictures gave me shades of “Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall at Christmastimes.” But seriously, the haters can slather a thick layer of Johnny Depp’s pit foam on their hate and eat it. Because they are together and happier than ever. Can’t you tell? Johnny Depp is alive and well…he’s alive, and their marriage is alive and well!

And I’m sure right after these two strolled into the airport, Amber let go of his arm and got into a trunk which her assistant pushed past the paps and onto that private jet headed back to the US.

Pics: INFPhoto.com

The Deaner Has Some Marriage Advice For Bobby Flay

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Ah, the greasy beady-eyed sex possum fuckstare of The Deaner – how I’ve missed thee! Its been far too long. “Too long? That’s what she said! Just kidding, nobody’s ever said it’s too long. Well, maybe the time The Deaner chugged an expired Bubba and it took me 4 hours to nut.

Leprechaun-looking TV chef Bobby Flay is currently in the middle of some divorce drama, the latest being that his marriage to Stephanie March might have died because he was getting his 28-year-old assistant to prep his chorizo. Since getting caught cheating is a skill that is practically at the top of The Deaner’s resume, he decided to reach out to his Food Network brother-in-sleaze and offer some relationship advice. Unfortunately, because being a straight-up dumbass is The Deaner’s second greatest skill, his advice is garbage. While promoting his cookbook The Gourmet Dad (Hooters special edition title: But You Can Call Me Daddy – Wink!), The Deaner told the New York Daily News:

“He needs to make some get out of jail meals for her. I would hope that they would be able to work things out because I was fortunate enough to be on that side of things working out.”

Considering he spent one of his most recent meals with his wife pulling her melted Barbie doll body off a Benihana hibachi, The Deaner is the last person who should be giving advice on how to woo your woman with food.

But I’d really love to know what kind of shit he was cooking for Tori Spelling in order to ‘get out of jail‘. Oh, what do you know? I happen to have his email to Bobby Flay right here!

What’s crappenin’ dawg? I got a relationship-saving recipe for you. Sometimes your wife catches you basting another ham, and the best way to apologize is with a pot of homemade chili. Cutting up onions will make it look like you’ve been crying, while your farts mask the scent of strange on your dick. Relationship saved! Can I have a job now?

The Full House Revival Is Really Happening And The Summary For It Sounds…..Err..

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

When the Internet said that Netflix was making plans  to bring back the 90s ALL THE WAY by ordering a spin-off of Full House called Fuller House, everyone (read: me and only me, as usual) celebrated this news of the century by pulling out the vintage bottle of Orbitz they’ve been saving and toasted to the triumphant return of fashion and comedy icon Kimmy Gibbler. Netflix made it official yesterday. They announced that in 2016, they will push out 13 episodes of Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER!!!!!!! and other people none of us care about. But well, I’m not pulling out my vintage bottle of Zima just yet (Real talk note: I wish I had a kitchen cabinet full of fine vintage beverages from the 90s.), because Netflix dry farted up the summary of Fuller House and this shit will suck the scrunch out of your scrunchie.

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Pour Out A Jug Of Sadness Moonshine: Miley Cyrus And Patrick Schwarzenegger Are Over

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

But maybe don’t pour the whole thing out, since you’ll want at least a little bit to help you cope with the fact that America’s constantly-high Hillbilly Rodent Princess Miley Cyrus and the dude who was made when Kindergarten Cop busted a bareback nut into a Kennedy cousin (aka Patrick Schwarzenegger) are done with each other. If two rich party rats can’t make a PR relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?

According to People, a “source” (Hollerin’ Hank from his new website, www.I’sDoneToldYuz.net, which is really just Hank nailing pieces of gossip to the side of the ol’ shouting tree) says Miley and Patrick are officially killing their relationship after 5 months, adding that “It’s not a break. It’s done.” Apparently they called it quits because Patrick’s side-piece was tired of picking weed-scented pork rind crumbs out of his pubes. NO! The source says it’s because he’s still in college and she’s got her music career and they’re in “two different places.

Neither Miley’s or Patrick’s rep has said anything about their break up, and Miley has yet to tweet something about how she ‘ain’t makin’ slimeys no more‘ or whatever trashy possum term Miley’s family has for fucking.

Then again, yesterday was 420, which means she had better things to do than tweet about her break up. Actually, now that I think about it – I bet she’s already forgotten that it happened. (ring ring) “Hey Patrick Sandwichwhatever, it’s me Miley! Y’all wanna come over and make slimeys? What do ya mean we ain’t not no more courtin? Dang, you done achy breaked mah heart! You still wanna come over tho? I got a new bottle of jerky lube that I’m itchin’ to try.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Car Window Garfield!

On the last episode of Veep, President Selena took my mind all the way back when she name dropped Car Window Garfield while bitching out Gary. I hadn’t thought about Car Window Garfield in years and I punched my skull, because I wanted to punish my brain for not remembering such an important piece of my life. Actually, now that I think about it, if I wanted to punish my brain I would’ve watched a Kim Kardashian interview. But enough about a trick who got famous by sucking on things, let’s pay homage to this trick who got famous by sucking on things.

When Garfield was the hottest pussy around in the 80s, you could find him stuck to the window of every other car. You couldn’t turn around without seeing a sun-faded Garfield looking coked up out of his mind while clinging to a car window with those suction cups on his paws. Those bulging eyes and grinding teeth. Lasagna isn’t his drug of choice. It’s coke! He looked like a strung out pussy trying to jump out of the car to get his next fix. I loved him. My mom got one for her car and I know she didn’t want to. She probably got sick of me begging for a stupid ass Car Window Garfield and if I begged one more time, she was going to throw herself out the car window, so she finally got one. I bet she took it down whenever I wasn’t in the car.

I don’t really remember exactly when Car Window Garfield vanished from the streets, but I haven’t seen one in centuries. I bet they’re all in the backroom of a Goodwill warehouse, plotting and waiting for the day when they’ll get revenge on humanity for throwing them away like a used condom. One day, we’ll all get up in the morning and scream as dozens of Car Window Garfields cling to our bedroom windows and stare at us with those STAINS on crack eyes. The revenge of the Car Window Garfield is coming!

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Birthday Sluts

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Iggy Pop (68)
Tavi Gevinson (19)
Robbie Amell (27)
Jessica Clark (30)
Brianne Davis (33)
Tony Romo (35)
James MacAvoy (36)
Charlie O’Connell (40)
Steve Backshall (42)
Eric Mabius (44)
Rob Riggle (45)
Nicole Sullivan (45)
Toby Stephens (46)
John Cameron Mitchell (52)
Jerry Only (56)
Robert Smith (56)
Andie MacDowell (57)
Tony Danza (64)
Patti LuPone (66)
Charles Grodin (80)
Elaine May (83)
Queen Elizabeth II (89)

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