Archives: April 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Jane Fonda Shutting It Down

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Jane Fonda shut it down at the Golden Globes. Jane Fonda shut it down at the Grammys. And now here’s Jane Fonda shutting it down at the 101st Annual White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in DC tonight. That’s just what Jane Fonda does. She shuts shit down.

Jane slithered onto the red carpet tonight giving everyone sparkly body and wild Nancy Reagan hair. When Jane put her hand on her hip, hos left and right picked up their coats. When Jane stuck her leg out like that, they told their date to call an Uber and they headed toward the exit, because they know that Jane’s got this. If the Nerd Prom was an actual prom, Jane Fonda would be the cool senior who lets the nerd boys hold her jacket and purse while she smokes a joint behind the gym.

When I first saw that picture of Jane, “Sooner Or Later,” filled my head, because she is delivering some Breathless Mahoney glamour.

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Oh great, now Joe Biden’s going to go up to Jane Fonda and whisper in hear ear, “Hey, Breathless, you want to meet my Dick Tracy?

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Finally, Proof That Girl Scout Cookies Save Lives!

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m taking a break from talking non-stop about Bruce Jenner’s ass and metal poisoning of the pussy to bring you this story of survival and Girl Scout Cookies. I knew there was a good reason for why I keep 14 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in my freezer. They are a miracle food that saves lives! Take note, Dr. Oz, that’s how you use the word “miracle” the right way!

The Associated Press (via People) says that on April 11th, 56-year-old Lee Wright and her 52-year-old sister Leslie Roy were driving through a desolate part of Michigan when their SUV got stuck in the snow. They thought the roads would be paved, but they weren’t. Their cell phones didn’t get any service and it was way too cold, snowy and gross to get out and walk toward help. So they really had no choice but to stay in their SUV and hope that Elsa from Frozen stomped on by after having another stupid fight with her sister.

The only kind of food they had in their SUV were 8 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies they bought from a relative and a bag of cheese puffs. They also had water and they made their own water from snow. Since the road they were on is hardly used, they were in that bitch for two goddamn weeks. Lee and Leslie had a reservation at a hotel in Mackinaw City on April 11th, but of course they didn’t show up. The bad news about being trapped in an SUV for two weeks is that you’re trapped in an SUV for two weeks. But the good news is that at least you have delicious Girl Scout Cookies to keep your mouth busy and if you’re going to die, you may as well die with the taste of Thin Mints on your tongue.

The power in their SUV eventually went out and they had to keep warm by wearing pretty much all the clothes they packed for their trip.

On Friday, after nearly two weeks of searching for them, a helicopter finally spotted their SUV. They were SAVED! They were fine, but a little weak.

That sounds like the plot for the reworking of Alive starring Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.

Lee and Leslie need to take over as the new hosts of Man vs. Wild. Fuck Bear Grylls and his drinking piss and eating larvae shit. These ladies know that the key to staying alive in the wild is to always have a stash of Girl Scout Cookies and cheese puffs on you. And I can hear every stoner going, “Pff,” because most of us have survived on nothing but Girl Scout Cookies and Cheetos for years.

In Case You Haven’t Fapped To It Already, Here’s Jared Leto In Full Joker Drag

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

After that Snapchat picture of Jared Leto was burned onto the wall of your nightmares and those pictures of him looking like Powder’s sad raver brother made the rounds, Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer finally twatted up a picture of the Joker in all his Joker glory. Get into his Sharpie tattoos and pimple nips.

This shit is very “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?

Bitch looks like the trailer park’s resident meth head who is also in Fort Myers, FL’s 6th most popular Marilyn Manson cover band and is known at the Gathering of the Juggalos as the crackhead who butt fucked himself with a 2 ounce plastic Fagyo bottle as a dare. He also looks like Hot Topic’s answer to that Die Antwoord dude. If you want to get as far away from Heath Ledger’s Joker as possible, this is one way to go. The only thing I have to say is that anyone who gets with this joker is a brave bitch, because he’ll give you metal poisoning of the pussy or ass if he munches on your down low parts. You know how it feels all wrong when you accidentally chew on foil? I wonder if it feels that same way when foil teeth chew on you?

Kim Kartrashian’s Second Husband Wants You To Know That He Didn’t Shit On Bruce Jenner In A Tweet

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

In “faces you forgot existed” news, Kris Humphries, one of the Geico cavemen’s slower cousins whose marriage to Kim Kartrashian lasted about as long as a pussy sneeze, watched Bruce Jenner’s big coming out last night and had something to say about it.

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Many people pulled out their pitchforks and were ready to drag the Shrek version of Taylor Lautner, because they thought he was yanking at Bruce Jenner’s main. (Pro tip: If you want to destroy Kris Humphries. You don’t need to use a weapon. Just ask him to divide 4 into 12 and watch as his head slowly explodes.) But I didn’t take it as a Bruce dig. I took his tweet as a Kuntrashian dig.

After the Internet tore him a new one, he tried to clear shit up:

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I think the real story here is that this pube-brained douche used the word “hence in a tweet and didn’t use any emojis. I would be offended over something Kim Kartrashian’s second husband of five seconds said, but I’m too busy being offended and disgusted over my nearest Starbucks being all out of old-fashioned donuts this morning. Now that is some shit to start a petition for.

And here’s Kummy Kakes looking like an alien cult leader at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Bruce Jenner’s Journey Will Air On E! After All

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

During Diane Sawyer’s 2-hour long conversation with Bruce Jenner, which was watched by nearly 17 million pairs of eyeballs (you can watch it here if your ass missed it), she said that it would be his last interview as Bruce Jenner. Since she said that, I was hoping that he’d tell us what his new name is. The tabloids have said that his new name is Belinda. But I’m hoping that it’s either Concepcion (because this world desperately needs a famous type named Concepcion) or Kriscangotohella Jenner. Bruce didn’t say what his new name is, because he thinks the media will go crazy with it. Maybe he’s saving that info for his new E! reality show, which is happening and will air this summer.

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Lindsay Lohan Says That Arabic-To-English Translation Mistake Was Just A Joke

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Ha! I bet even Lindsay Lohan’s reflection in the mirror is giving her “Sure, Jan” face right now. So, remember a few days ago when the Apricot Ashtray threw up a picture on Instagram of the words “You’re a donkey” in Arabic with the words “You’re beautiful incorrectly written underneath in English? Well, Lindsay wants you to know it was all just a joke and it definitely didn’t have anything to do with any of her Middle Eastern ‘business friends’ trolling her in real life. Lindsay tried to clear her name by Instagramming a picture of a Valentino purse she will no doubt later search for on Bag Borrow or Steal (“The third option is my favorite“) with the following caption:

“FYI- The funny thing is-the Arabic photo I posted was an inside joke w/friend to test my Arabic w/out Google translation. So, was already known what it was.”

Give me a second, I need to translate that from Confusing to English. But if it was just a joke, then why did she yank it down so fast after everybody called her out? Or why didn’t she write that in the first place? I have no idea. Understanding Lindsay Lohan’s brain isn’t something I have the mental strength to tackle today.

I know Lindsay is so determined to speak a bunch of different languages, but she really needs to pick one and get good at it before moving on. She can barely handle English! Not to mention her piss-poor American Sign Language skills; she clearly hasn’t learned anything beside the letter V. Forget new purses, bitch needs Rosetta Stone.

Here’s more of the aspiring English rose bouquet of dollar store silk flowers strolling around London on Thursday:

Pics: Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Sydney Channing (as played by Broadway star and Amanda Plummer’s mother Tammy Grimes) from Can’t Stop The Music!

Diane Sawyer gets extra points for repeatedly throwing several servings of shade at Krapping Up the Kartrashians by calling it “that show,” but she lost points for not telling ABC that her interview with Bruce Jenner should be 3 hours long, because she needed a full hour to discuss his greatest achievement: Can’t Stop The Music! I mean, who cares about the Wheaties box and those infomercials with Pimp Mama Kris? Interviewing Bruce Jenner and not asking him about Can’t Stop The Music is like interviewing the Dalai Lama and not asking him about the time he met Joanna Krupa. It’s the pinnacle moment of his career!

Can’t Stop The Music was a multiple-award winning (yes, the Razzies count as an award) glittery gay extravaganza from 1980 and Bruce Jenner made his movie debut in it. I need to watch it again on Netflix, because I barely remember what it’s about, but that’s okay. Who watches that beautiful wreck for the plot, anyway? You watch it for the man nipples, glitter and extravaganza! If you haven’t seen it and don’t have Netflix, just get really coked up and have two people splash your face with glitter and man sweat while blasting the Village People in your ears. That’s what watching it sort of feels like.

It has everything you need in a cinematic masterpiece: Bruce Jenner in a cut-off shirt, Valerie Perrine’s nipples, the gayest and greatest shower scene on Earth, a musical number about leche, Steve Guttenburg trying to dance, shitty acting, forty loads of glitter, more velour than a Boca Raton retiree’s closet and the Village People. It’s perfection. And one of my favorite parts of that sequin-covered train wreck (besides the peen slips, musical numbers, man nipples and glitter, of course) is Tammy Grimes as Sydney Channing.

Sydney Channing is Valerie Perrine’s snobby, high-and-mighty, overbearing modeling agent who apparently drinks cocktails out of what looks like a candleholder. Valerie Perrine’s character is a retired supermodel and Sydney gets one of her minions to try to lure her biggest moneymaker back to modeling. I bet Anna Wintour is pretty much bald, because every time she watches Can’t Stop The Music (which is all the time, probably), she yanks her wig off and pulls out whatever hairs she has left out of frustration over knowing that she’ll never be Sydney Channing!

If you haven’t done your daily ass kegels yet, watch the trailer for CSTM and get ready to pucker and clench:

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Birthday Sluts

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Al Pacino (75)
Sara Paxton (27)
John DeLuca (29)
Melonie Diaz (31)
Jacob Underwood (35)
Marguerite Moreau (38)
Matthew Joseph West (38)
Jason Lee (45)
Joe Buck (46)
Gina Torres (46)
Renee Zellweger (46)
Andy Bell (51)
Hank Azaria (51)
Jeffrey DeMunn (68)
Talia Shire (69)
Stu Cook (70)
Bjorn Ulvaeus (70)
Len Goodman (71)
William Roache (83)

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Bruce Jenner Comes Out As Transgender

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

After months of rumors and tricks (this trick including) thinking that Bruce Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer might be a big STUNT QUEEN stunt to promote whatever Pimp Mama Kris wants promoted, Bruce bravely came out as transgender and said the words, “I am a woman.” I live in the past that is the West Coast, so the interview isn’t airing right now, but thank the fuck for whoever invented the Internet, high-speed, computers, etc., because now I don’t have to wait a million years to watch Bruce pull out his pony, shake his mane and give us “I am woman, hear me roar.”

Bruce told Diane that this is the last interview he will do as “Bruce” and he’s ready to fully live his life as a woman. (Note: ABC News says that at the time of his interview with Diane, Bruce said that he still wanted to be addressed as a “he” and “him,” so that’s why I’m doing it.)

“I would say I’ve always been very confused with my gender identity since I was this big. I tried to explain it, because I’ve had all my kids sitting in that chair … and I’ve tried to explain it this way. God’s looking down, making little Bruce … he says ‘Okay, what are gonna do with this one. Make him a smart kid, very determined … and then when he’s just finishing he says, ‘Let’s wait a second.’ God looks down and chuckles a little bit and says, ‘Hey, let’s give him the soul of a female.’

“Bruce lives a lie. She is not a lie,” Jenner said. “I can’t do it anymore.”

Bruce cackled when Diane told him that some people think the interview was a stunt to promote a reality show. Bruce told her that he wouldn’t go through everything he’s going through to promote a reality show. (Somewhere, PMK watched that and yelled at that screen, “That is the most hurtful thing you’ve ever said, Bruce!” ) Bruce said that the first person he told was his first wife Christy. When Diane asked if he’s gay, Bruce once again laughed and said that he’s strictly clitly. He’s never been with a dude and is still into women.

As for PMK, Bruce says that he was taking hormones 5 years before he got with her and he had 36C chichis at the time. She knew he was taking hormones and knew about his cross-dressing. Bruce didn’t say any bad shit about PMK and said that he “loved” her. ABC asked all three of Bruce’s ex-wives for a comment and the only one who didn’t give one was PMK. She had no comment. In PMK’s defense, it’s kind of impossible to comment as she’s screaming into a pillow because Bruce is getting all the attention.

UPDATE: After Perez Hilton called her out for not saying shit on Twitter, PMK tweeted this.

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Does she kiss Lucifer’s ass lips with that mouth?! ABC claims that they e-mailed her PR team several times and was finally told that she had no comment. And you know the Bruce she’s sitting with isn’t Bruce Jenner. It’s some dude named Bruce she picked up at a bar and plans to suck the life out of later.

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Night Crumbs

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

The trailer for Black Mass is out and it’s nice to see that Johnny Depp gave his old Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas glasses another job – Lainey Gossip

Spider-Man may have cheated on Gwen Stacy by doing the upside down kiss with another trick in Taiwan – Celebitchy

Why aren’t these pictures of Bai Ling in the Louvre?! – Drunken Stepfather

“Just what I’ve been wishing for! An advice book by Khlozilla,” said absolutely not one person – Reality Tea 

Three more women have accused Bill Cosby of drugging and raping them and that brings the grand total to EVERYONE – The Superficial 

Why, hello there, vibrating Thighmaster – Jezebel

There’s that Chris Pratt, melting ovaries again – Towleroad

What in the hell kind of GD Ice Capades costume is  Joanna Krupa wearing?! – Hollywood Tuna

BREAKING: A millionaire pop star smokes weed – IDLYITW

MEXICAN FOOTBALLER SALCHICHA ALERT! (NSFW) – OMG Blog

Speaking of Panty Creamers… – The Berry 

Robert Downey Jr. throws a little visual shade at the journalist whose interview he quit – HuffPo

Cameron Diaz throws a beautiful air kiss of love at the paparazzi – Celebslam

I see that Hilary Duff is paying homage to all the She-Ra characters with her ever-changing hair color – Popoholic

Evan Ross knows Coachella is over, right? – Popsugar

There’s no reason to go to Abercrombie & Fitch anymore – Just Jared

Miley Cyrus is giving everyone chipmunk mono – ICYDK

ICK. NAST. – SOW

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