Courteney Cox Sort Of Hints That David Schwimmer Might Be The Reason Why There Hasn’t Been A Friends Reunion
Fucking Ross! Of course it would be his fault. It’s always Ross’ fault. During a recent interview with Yahoo, Courteney Cox was asked whether or not there might ever be a Friends reunion. Obviously the answer to that is no, because a reunion is only a reunion if you’re able to get all the former cast members together, and that would be impossible, since Monica’s old face has been MIA for several years now. But according to Courteney, it’s a no because there’s always someone who fucks it up, and no, it’s not that adorable bumbling oaf Joey. When asked about the possibility of a reunion, Courteney said:
“Dear lord, let it go, people. We’re not doing it. It’s just not going to happen….We’ve gotten about 80% there, but there’s always one person who flakes at the end.”
She was then asked if the name of the flake was David Schwimmer, and she answered:
“You know, I’m not going to name names, but it may not be Schwimmer.”
She then looked at the camera like “It’s totally fucking Ross.” It’s always Ross!
You know what? A Friends reunion can still happen without David Schwimmer; just grab a mopey-looking potato, put it in a blue sweater, and sit it beside a monkey – there, instant Ross. The only people who really matter are Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Joey’s hot slutty sister Gina, Phoebe, Ursula, the chick and the duck, Gunther, that dude who kept letting his balls hang out, and sexy DILF Jack Gellar (just me and Phoebe? Ok).
Speaking of a potato in a sweater, here’s David Schwimmer at an event with his wife and daughter last weekend. For someone who doesn’t want to do a Friends reunion, dude sure is dressed like he’s ready to drop everything and film one. Blue sweater? Check. Boot-cut jeans? Check. Ross hair? Check. Dopey “Hey Rach” face? Check.
Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.
I’m sure you’re thinking “Okay, but was it Hobie from Baywatch or Jeremy Jackson who stabbed somebody“, and the answer to that is: a little from column A and a little from column B. According to the Los Angeles Times, Jeremy Jackson, aka Hobie from Baywatch, was arrested on Saturday for assault with a deadly weapon after he allegedly stabbed a man and fled the scene on Friday. Police say the man, who was treated for a stab wound on his torso at an L.A. hospital, identified his attacker as “Hobie.”
The next day, police received a report of a prowler about 3 and a half miles away from where the stabbing happened, and when they went to investigate, they found Hobie, aka Jeremy Jackson. That’s when they arrested his ass and took him in. This is not Hobie’s first arrest; in 2005 he was arrested for setting up a meth lab in his house.
Hobie/Jeremy Jackson (the police also say he sometimes goes by “Jeremy Dunn” as well) used to be a major druggy, and he got clean a couple years ago thanks to Dr. Drew and the Celebrity Rehab crew, but it sounds like he might be in bad way again. Stabbing someone is definitely the type of thing you do when your head isn’t in the right place. David Hasselhoff, come get your TV son! And if you’re too busy, feel free to send your busted wax figure; at this point, Hobie needs whatever help he can get.
And by “everyone” I mean the sucio tricks who regularly check YouTube for iguana mating videos.
Ever since all-natural pristine dew drop Courtney Stodden turned 18, everyone has been waiting for her clearance section Dina Lohan of a mom and her ICP out-of-makeup-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison to pimp her out in porn. Well, it took two years, but they finally did it. A “source” tells TMZ that the 20-year-old Porn Iguana shot a tape of her finger banging her lizard twat and the video is currently being peddled to the highest bidder. A story about a fame whore making a sex tape isn’t complete without humanized dried cum stain Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment piping in, so of course he told TMZ that he’s seen it and it’s “unique.”
Hirsch confirms he’s already seen the video, and reveals it’s a solo effort (think Octomom, but hotter) — sorry, Doug Hutchison fans. He also says the DD photo op queen “looks amazing, this is the most unique footage I’ve ever seen.”
As for whether Vivid’s bidding on the tape — Hirsch wouldn’t tip his hand.
Is “unique” porn hype talk for “really fucking boring“? “Unique” could mean so many things. Does the Porn Iguana fuck herself with a celery stalk before nibbling on it? Does she do herself with a dildo while singing a porn remix of her pop masterpiece “Don’t Put It On Me, Girl” called “Please Put It In Me, Girl”? Or does she do something truly shocking like read a few chapters of War and Peace while sipping lavender tea?
I’m just grateful that Doug Hutchison isn’t in it. If he was, I’d have to watch it and I’m gross enough to find a way to fap to that. Afterward, I’d have to sit at the bottom of an extra long Silkwood Shower to wash away the image of him slamming his Silly Putty slug body against her Real Doll body. And we’re in a drought! So I thank the Porn Iguana for not going there, yet.
And if Marilyn Monroe hasn’t done her grave rolling exercises today, here’s a few pictures from Courtney’s Instagram that will inspire her to do so:
If you dumped out my purse (purse, drawstring Crown Royal bag – same thing, really), you’d find the following: a wallet held together with nude dude bandaids, keys, reading glasses, a partially melted lip balm, a prayer card with a picture of my personal lord and savior Nancy Hicks-Gribble, and 12 to 14 expired Egg McMuffin coupons. You know, the usual. But if you were to dump out former supermodel Elle Macpherson’s purse, you’d find a urine testing kit. Not maybe you’ll find a urine testing kit, but you’ll always find a urine testing kit. When asked by the London Evening Standard what the most surprising thing in her handbag, Elle answered:
“A pH balance urine tester kit to check that I’m in an alkaline state. I believe that most ailments come from having an acidic body.”
Upon hearing this news, Gwyneth Paltrow screamed “Yeah…well…I carry around a urine AND a feces test AND a thing that measures the alkalinity of my crusty eye boogers, even though I don’t really need it, because I know I’ll always be super basic.” And that right there is my only science-y sounding joke.
So basically (ha!), Elle Macpherson is doing piss tests pretty much every time she hits the ladies room. Damn, that’s a lot of work! Half the time I’m in a public washroom, I’m making sure I don’t drop anything into the toilet or pissing on the back of my shirt. The rest of the time is spent wrapping my hand in one of those paper toilet seat covers so I can use it as a little brush to clean all the pubes and pee droplets off the seat. I can’t imagine also adding self-imposed urine test into all that.
Of course, the Twilight Zone ending to all of this would be if Elle went to her doctor complaining of feeling sick and he informed her that she has a severe case of urine poisoning of the hands. What a twist!
Wanksy, my new favorite British artiste who has been painting short white dicks on the streets in Bury, Greater Manchester because he wants the city to finally fill the potholes.
A mysterious artiste who is going by the name Wanksy is sick and tired of the town of Bury doing nothing about potholes so he’s been drawing a picture of one of my favorite things around them, because he knows that the council will THINK OF THE CHILDREN and cover them up. Some artistes who aren’t as creative and imaginative as Wanksky would paint a pussy or an asshole around that pothole, but Wanksy is an original visionary so he paints dicks complete with peen slits (and sometimes a jizz load!). Although, he really did miss an opportunity and should’ve made that cut white dick look like it’s fucking and filling that pothole.
Of course the city council wants him to stop, because they think it’s obscene and not something children should see. Oh please, the children probably look at those works of street art and say, “Amateur! The peens I spray paint onto the bathroom wall after smoking crack during lunch look better than that!” Wansky said this to the BBC:
“They [potholes] don’t get filled. They’ll be there for months.. People will drive over the same pothole and forget about it. Suddenly you draw something amusing around it, everyone sees it and it either gets reported or fixed.
It’s not an actual photograph of an anatomical part, it’s a drawing, it’s artwork. The naked body is a thing artists have painted for years. There are sculptures that don’t wear clothes. It’s artistic expressions. To be offended by that, you must be very prudish.”
Wansky says that he uses road marking paint and not spray paint so his circumcised peen sketches wash away after a week or two. But the dick-shaming city council still wants him to stop and says that his masterpeen drawings aren’t getting potholes filled faster. His peen paintings are wasting “valuable time and resources.” The good news is that the city doesn’t completely cover Wanksy’s work. They let this cumming peen head still be great:
Wanksy is truly doing good work. He’s trying to get those potholes filled and he’s making the streets a much more gorgeous place in the meantime. But if he did that where I’d live, he’d be wasting his time. Because as soon he drew a white dick on the street, my desperate, hard-up, dick-hungry ass would lick and scoot up that white paint real quick.
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Dame St. Angie Jolie, James Haven (with his hypnotizing STAINS eyes covered) and Maddox strolled through LAX yesterday. Every time I see Maddox looking more grown than the last time I saw him, a white hair grows in my ear - Lainey Gossip
Kim Richards is probably putting all the blame on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for her arrest and her fall off the wagon - Reality Tea
Brian Williams is a human fountain of lies, reportedly – Celebitchy
Gisele Bundchen’s ass cheek and side chichi are on Vogue Brazil - Drunken Stepfather
RiRi is wearing a bikini and what looks like a chiffon diaper – The Superficial
Stephen Hawking has finally stopped blabbing about black holes and other unimportant shit and is sharing his thoughts on issues that really matter – Towleroad
How many green June Bugs died to make Olivia Culpo’s dress? – Hollywood Tuna
BREAKING: Kate Upton has acne – Popoholic
Some Grey’s Anatomy fans are demanding the return of McDreamy. Those crazies may be on to something. I’ll totally start watching Grey’s if zombie McDreamy rises from the dead and eats everyone – Jezebel
Baby seeing a dandelion for the first time = me watching anything on TV while seriously stoned – The Berry
The world is a little bit less glamorous today, because Jayne Meadows has gone up to heaven – The Wrap
It’s very sad that Mila Kunis is out there freely attending music festivals. That shameless chicken thief should be in prison – Popsugar
Ariana Grande Latte’s crazy pumpkin-giving stalker is still crazy and still at it – ICYDK
This Magic Mike poster starring Joe ManJello is sadly lacking a whole lot of bulge. Someone should get fired for this! – Boy Culture
Dave Chapelle pulled a Guns N’ Roses in Detroit – WWTDD
Naya Kardashian takes a knocked up selfie - SOW
Suki Waterhouse might’ve jumped from Bradley Cooper to James Marsden – Just Jared
NOTE: The CAPTION THIS Contest is still hungover from the weekend so it’ll be back tomorrow.
John Stamos better sleep on a floater in the middle of a pool full of holy water with crucifixes surrounding him and his body covered in polyester pajamas from KMart (the Olsens won’t get near anything that’s polyester and from KMart), because the Olsens are going to git him for calling them liars.
The Olsens apparently played dumb when Women’s Wear Daily asked them about the Full House spin-off called Fuller House. They acted like nobody talked to them about it and claimed they found out about it at the same time as everyone else. But I should’ve known not to believe what comes out of the mouth of those two shifty gothic leprechauns. John Stamos retweeted an article about the Olsens claiming he never told them about Fuller House and his response was: “I call bullshit.” Some source tells E! News that John Stamos has every right to call bullshit, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did know about Fuller House before everyone else found out about it.
“They knew about the show. It wasn’t a surprise to them. They definitely knew it was happening.”
You’re probably wondering where Marie Osmond is in that picture. Well, if you cover Charo, squint your eyes and stare real hard, you may be able to see Marie’s black scrub brush eyelashes. That’s what happens when someone makes the wrong move of posing next to Charo. Her sequined-embedded star power outshines them and they instantly become the “Michelle Williams” and blend into the background.
The Daytime Emmys happened last night and I didn’t find out until after it had already happened. It aired on something called Pop, which used to be the TV Guide Channel. Why in the HELL would they air an important TV eventl starring the greatest humans in the world, Charo and Betty White, on a channel that some people might not get? Well, maybe they figured that if they showed it on a basic channel, every single person in the country, if not world, would watch it and they’d have to watch it with their A/C blasting all the way up since Charo and Betty White’s hotness seeps through the screen. So if every single person watched it with their A/C blasting, energy plants would explode and it’d be a major disaster. So they showed it on that Pop shit for the sake of humanity and the environment!
Earth angel Betty White was given a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmys last night and Charo helped present her with it. If you click to the 7:55 mark in the video below, you’ll see Charo and Betty White do the Coochie Coochie thrust together. Hold on to something sturdy, because when Charo and Betty White thrust their legendary coochies together, you will fall back.
When you type “scissor sisters bumping coochies” on the PornHub in heaven, that clip is what you get.
And here’s some of the shiny wrecks from last night’s Daytime Emmys. Everybody except for Charo, Betty White and Donna Mills looks a mess. Kelly Monaco has some kind of growth covered in jizz balls on her dress and Tyra Banks looks like Raven from Drag Race as a bootleg Marvel superhero.