Archives: April 2015

Night Crumbs

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Thanks to Katy Perry’s (probably) April Fools’ Day wig, I’ll never ever be able to scrub the dark-sided and heave-inducing image of Pimp Mama Kris shooting whipped cream out of her tits – Lainey Gossip 

Megan Fox serving up mouth breathing mannequin stiffness in Harper’s Bazaar ArabiaDrunken Stepfather

FYI: When Bradley Cooper goes beard browsing at the clubs, he wears earplugs – Celebitchy

The Oscars really don’t have shit on the bright shiny A-list extravaganza that AOL hosted in Times Square – Reality Tea

If Aubrey O’Day was going for” Transylvania real doll call girl on downers,” she pretty much nailed it  - Egotastic! 

Dear Crystal O’Connor (Side note: I hate that her name makes me think of the supreme goddess from Showgirls), I’m trashy enough to get pizza for my wedding, but I’m just a little classy enough to get it from California Pizza Kitchen – Towleroad

When are we going to find out that Rita Wilson cheated on Tom Hanks with Vanilla Ice in the 90s and gave birth to Chet Haze? – The Superficial 

So from now on, you can think of FourFiveSeconds as a Wilson Phillips song featuring RiRi, Kanye and that guy from the BeatlesJezebel

Um, I think Kylie Jenner got some of Khlozilla’s cooch fur stuck on her purse – Hollywood Tuna 

Dave Chappelle’s stalker obviously doesn’t know comedy, because you’re not supposed to throw the banana peel. You’re supposed to slip on it – WWTDD

LEAVE TARA REID ALOOOOOOOOOOOONE – SOW

Hilary Duff still has pool hair – Popoholic

Behold, cum gutters galore - The Berry 

Patton Oswalt took a break from hating on ginger earth angel Phoebe Price (no, I will NEVER forget) to defend Trevor Noah in a tweet rant – Just Jared

Joni Mitchell is still in ICU, but is awake and happy-ish – Popsugar

Suicide Squad added more cast members – Pajiba

“DAAAAAAAAAAD!!!” – Brooklyn Beckham to his dad – ICYDK

It’s like gay Christmas! Faye Dunaway is writing a tell-all about the making of Mommie DearestQueerty

Pic: Instagram

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Open Post: Hosted By A Florida Dad Using A Camaro To Pull His Son’s Tooth Out

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

And here’s #4,568,093,675 for why I love the greatest state in the country: Florida.

When I was a kid, we’d try pulling our loose teeth out by doing the “slam the door” trick. It hardly ever worked for me. Nowadays, kids have it easier. All they have to do is blast a Justin Bieber song at their mouth and that tooth will jump right out and run toward the nearest exit. But this Florida dad, who’s a wrestler named Rob Venomous, decided to go old-school. He hooked his son’s tooth up to a string attached to his Camaro (with the word “balls” on its license, because Florida) and hit the gas pedal. Don’t worry, I’m sure that Rob Venomous knows what he’s doing. I’m sure he’s also a board certified dentist and learned that technique at the Florida School of Dentistry.

via Fox 13 Tampa 

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FKA Twigs May Become FKA Pattz

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Her last name is Twigs, right?

During a conversation with Vulture (via Popsugar) about music and stuff, the godfather of Auto-Tune T-Pain said that he listens to a lot of FKA Twigs for inspiration and when he was asked if he’s working on her next album, he dropped a bomb that will make the Robsten fangirls scream until their tonsils rip off, fly out of their mouths and wiggle on the floor. A window in my bedroom just broke and I’m pretty sure it was from the pressure of the high-pitched wail that Nutty Madam let out all the way from England. T-Pain just casually let it be known, that you know, FKA Twigs is engaged to ol’ Patty, no big deal:

Will FKA Twigs be on your new album?
Well, the first time we even met each other, we met in the studio. Her music’s changed a lot since then. But she’s on tour so much, and anytime I call her, she’s in a different place. And she’s engaged now, so that’s about to be a whole other thing. [Laughs.]

Wait, she’s engaged? That’s news to me.
Yeah, to ol’ Patty [Robert Pattinson]. I don’t know if she wanted anybody to know that …

Couldn’t T-Pain have waited, because the Internet is barely starting to rebuild itself after it was nearly destroyed from that Zayn news. But seriously, I don’t think the Robsten fan girl wing of mental hospitals need to make room for new patients just yet. I’m sure those crazies haven’t totally lost it, because they probably think this could be a prank and they’re furiously refreshing Vulture until they see the words “UPDATE: APRIL FOOLS’!” Or they’re gathering evidence to prove their theory that FKA Twigs is holding one of the unicorns from ol’ Patty’s enchanted forest hostage and is making him marry her.

And here’s some pictures of FKA Twigs wearing a gold ring on THAT FINGER at the Alexander McQueen exhibit last month. It’s either ‘shopped or she, Vulture and T-Pain have been working on this elaborate prank for a long time! Obviously.

Pics: Wenn.com

January Jones And Will Forte Might Be Doing It

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’ve been watching Fox’s The Last Man on Earth, you know that Will Forte’s character Phil Miller has been desperately trying to get with January Jones’ character Melissa Shart for the past couple weeks (despite the fact that he’s fake married to Kristen Schaal, who was his second choice after a hot department store mannequin. Trust me, it’s a great show). However, it sounds like pretending to have the hornies for each other might have lead to actually having the hornies for each other, because UsWeekly says Will Forte and January Jones are totally dating. Random, thy name is Betty Draper humping on SNL’s MacGruber.

A source says that they’ve been dating for the past couple months, adding that he’s a “good guy” and they’re “having fun“. Well no fucking duh, how could you not have fun with Will Forte? That’s like saying “Guess what! I went on a date with Kim Kardashian and she brought her mom and a camera crew!” I mean, we’re talking about the man who gave us Paul L’Astnamé from 30 Rock; if anyone could get January Jones’ non-smiling face to crack a smile, it’s him.

Then again, this could all be UsWeekly’s idea of an April Fool’s Day joke. In which case, does that mean he’s still available? How does he feel about ok-faced bloggers that smell constantly of strawberry Pop-Tarts? I’m…uh…asking for a friend.

But speaking of smiling, here are some pictures of January Jones smiling at the Mad Men season premiere last week. Who knew that getting dicked by Tim Calhoun is the cure for chronic resting bitchface?

Pics: Wenn.com

Natalie Portman Says Parisians Don’t Wear Shorts

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Members of the pro-shorts army better put on their best pair of scrappin’ shorts and get ready for another battle, because Natalie Portman has joined Fran Lebowitz in the war against shorts. GOOP’S ambassador to France Natalie Portman did an interview with the Wisconsin Gazette (via Bustle and Lainey) to promote some Miss Dior shit and her movie Knight of Cups, and she got into talking about what it’s like living in Paris with her twirling ballet dancer husband and their son Aleph. When Natalie Portman skips down the street in Paris singing “Bonjour, Paree!” from Funny Face (which you know she does because trick thinks she’s our modern day Audrey Hepburn) with a baguette in her arms and a beret on her head, she doesn’t have to worry about her eyes being hit with the sight of French legs sprouting out of tacky shorts. Le trashé!

It’s so interesting to plunge into another culture and experience a different way of living. The city is so rich in terms of the architecture, the bookshops you find at every corner, the way everyone dresses so well. No Parisian ever walks around in shorts and even the children look very chic (laughs).

The closest I’ve been to being in Paris is the time I ate French onion soup and a crow-sawnt at a Mimi’s Cafe outside of Lake Perris, CA, so I have no idea if she’s dribbling out the truth or not. But I do wish that Parisians would secretly gather together and agree to wear shorts on the same day. Natalie’s mind would be blown across the Atlantic. I’m not sure if I totally believe Natalie, because one of my style icons is French and his ass is always SANS PANTS!

pepelapewpants

Explain that, Natalie!

Here’s Natalie with her son last year and yes, she’s wearing cut-offs, but it’s okay since these pictures were taken in the uncouth land of déclassé known as L.A. When in Paris, don’t wear shorts! When in L.A. , look like trash!

Pics: Wenn.com, FameFlynet

Milla Jovovitch Is A Mom Again

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

After being pregnant for what felt like 4 years (I could have sworn her knocked-up announcement came out the same day Britney’s “Till The World Ends” was released), UsWeekly says that model/actress/semi-professional Alice from Resident Evil cosplayer Milla Jovovich gave birth to the baby growing inside of her earlier today. Milla and her husband Paul “Not the Boogie Nights one” Anderson are now the parents of a 7lb. 10oz. baby girl. I was crossing my fingers Milla made the smart decision and named her new baby Rouge Pulp, but UsWeekly says her name is Dashiel Eden. They already have a 7-year-old daughter named Ever Gabo.

Milla and Paul have chosen the most random names for their kids. Dashiel Eden sounds like the name of the summer cottage the Crawley family escapes to when Downton Abbey is being fumigated for bugs, while Ever and Dashiel sounds like the fancy Beverly Hills bedding store where Snobby Saleswoman #2′s sister works. Not to mention that Dashiel will probably get shortened down to Dash, which is truly tragic, because as we all know DASH is the name of the Kardashian’s jank clothing store. See, these are the things you have to consider before you name a baby.

And if you want to see what Milla looked like before she gave birth, here’s a very knocked-up Milla and her husband and their dogs going for a hike a few weeks ago. I can totally relate to those tiny poochies getting carried back to the car by Paul (hiking makes me tie-tie too).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Giuliana Rancic Says She Knows She’s Really, Really Skinny

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

One of the lone hosts standing at Fashion Police tells People Magazine that she hears it loud and clear when people say she’s skinnier than a praying mantis’ right nipple (Yes, praying mantises have nipples. I saw this on Planet Earth, ok”) and she also thinks she’s super thin and doesn’t like. Giuliana says that there’s no reason to give her a copy of Tracey Gould’s book Room To Grow, because she doesn’t have an eating disorder and she also says that she eats more than all of her friends. Cut to Giuliana eating with all her friends, who are birds.

Giuliana Rancic says that she’s talking about it now, because the comments about her have gotten out of hand and she wants people to know what’s going on.

“Some people were saying, ‘The cancer is probably back.’ And they were accusing me of every eating disorder. I thought to myself, ‘God, if someone really thought I had an eating disorder, what a horrible way to approach it.’”

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Rihanna Wants You To Know She’s Definitely 100% Not Dating Leonardo DiCaprio

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

About a month ago, Leonardo DiCaprio’s people sent out a Morse code message from the communications deck of Leo’s snapper trapping yacht, The S. S. Snatch Catcher, to silence the rumor that he was sticking his dirty hobo dick in Rihanna by claiming that he was still single. And now it’s RiRi’s turn to do the same.

During a recent interview with Hello! (via The Daily Mail), Princess Ooh Na Na was asked: “How does Rihanna DiCaprio sound to you?“, because I suppose the sneaky sleuths at Hello! were trying to trick her into admitting that she was still picking Leo’s bloated beard lice off her pillowcases. Unfortunately for them, RiRi is smarter than the average intergalactic stripper princess, and she responded:

“It sounds to me like you should stay away from the blogs because they will screw you every time. I’m so busy right now that I just don’t have a lot of time to offer to a man, so it wouldn’t even be fair to be thinking of pulling somebody else into this life. But if I did, he would have to be man enough to live with my schedule and not get scared.”

So there you have it. RiRi is too busy to be cruising around the world on Leo’s floating fuck pad. But back to that Rihanna DiCaprio business. What the hell kind of dumb ass question was that? How does Rihanna DiCaprio sound? DUH – it sounds terrible! Rihanna is like Cher or Snoopy – she doesn’t need a last name. Rihanna isn’t tied down to a man OR a last name.

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Excuse My Jailbird Beauty: Teresa Giudice Poses For The Cover Of UsWeekly In Prison

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

You might be feeling dead inside from reading the dozens of hilarious April Fools’ jokes that your prank master friends are putting on Facebook, so here’s something to fill your insides with sweetness and awwwwness. One of The Real Grifters of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is about 3 months into her 15-month prison sentence and since she’s got court fines and creditors to pay back, she got prison bitch glamorous for a touching fambly portrait shoot for UsWeekly. Nothing brings the unfeeling mound of bitterness you call a heart to life like a criminal making money off of being a criminal. But what really makes this cover extra special and sweet is that they cut out her two other daughters from the picture. You dodged a tacky bullet, other Giudice girls.

UsWeeklysays that the Olan Mills-like portrait was taken in the visiting room at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Conn, which is Teresa’ home for the next few months, because she committed bankruptcy fraud, among other things, with her husband Juicy Joe. Teresa told UsWeekly through her lawyer that what she really misses most is Bravo’s cameras. No, Teresa said that she misses her girls and they will get through it together as a fambly, blah, blah, fart, blah.

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