Archives: April 2015

Pour Out A Jug Of Sadness Moonshine: Miley Cyrus And Patrick Schwarzenegger Are Over

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

But maybe don’t pour the whole thing out, since you’ll want at least a little bit to help you cope with the fact that America’s constantly-high Hillbilly Rodent Princess Miley Cyrus and the dude who was made when Kindergarten Cop busted a bareback nut into a Kennedy cousin (aka Patrick Schwarzenegger) are done with each other. If two rich party rats can’t make a PR relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?

According to People, a “source” (Hollerin’ Hank from his new website, www.I’sDoneToldYuz.net, which is really just Hank nailing pieces of gossip to the side of the ol’ shouting tree) says Miley and Patrick are officially killing their relationship after 5 months, adding that “It’s not a break. It’s done.” Apparently they called it quits because Patrick’s side-piece was tired of picking weed-scented pork rind crumbs out of his pubes. NO! The source says it’s because he’s still in college and she’s got her music career and they’re in “two different places.

Neither Miley’s or Patrick’s rep has said anything about their break up, and Miley has yet to tweet something about how she ‘ain’t makin’ slimeys no more‘ or whatever trashy possum term Miley’s family has for fucking.

Then again, yesterday was 420, which means she had better things to do than tweet about her break up. Actually, now that I think about it – I bet she’s already forgotten that it happened. (ring ring) “Hey Patrick Sandwichwhatever, it’s me Miley! Y’all wanna come over and make slimeys? What do ya mean we ain’t not no more courtin? Dang, you done achy breaked mah heart! You still wanna come over tho? I got a new bottle of jerky lube that I’m itchin’ to try.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Car Window Garfield!

On the last episode of Veep, President Selena took my mind all the way back when she name dropped Car Window Garfield while bitching out Gary. I hadn’t thought about Car Window Garfield in years and I punched my skull, because I wanted to punish my brain for not remembering such an important piece of my life. Actually, now that I think about it, if I wanted to punish my brain I would’ve watched a Kim Kardashian interview. But enough about a trick who got famous by sucking on things, let’s pay homage to this trick who got famous by sucking on things.

When Garfield was the hottest pussy around in the 80s, you could find him stuck to the window of every other car. You couldn’t turn around without seeing a sun-faded Garfield looking coked up out of his mind while clinging to a car window with those suction cups on his paws. Those bulging eyes and grinding teeth. Lasagna isn’t his drug of choice. It’s coke! He looked like a strung out pussy trying to jump out of the car to get his next fix. I loved him. My mom got one for her car and I know she didn’t want to. She probably got sick of me begging for a stupid ass Car Window Garfield and if I begged one more time, she was going to throw herself out the car window, so she finally got one. I bet she took it down whenever I wasn’t in the car.

I don’t really remember exactly when Car Window Garfield vanished from the streets, but I haven’t seen one in centuries. I bet they’re all in the backroom of a Goodwill warehouse, plotting and waiting for the day when they’ll get revenge on humanity for throwing them away like a used condom. One day, we’ll all get up in the morning and scream as dozens of Car Window Garfields cling to our bedroom windows and stare at us with those STAINS on crack eyes. The revenge of the Car Window Garfield is coming!

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Birthday Sluts

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Iggy Pop (68)
Tavi Gevinson (19)
Robbie Amell (27)
Jessica Clark (30)
Brianne Davis (33)
Tony Romo (35)
James MacAvoy (36)
Charlie O’Connell (40)
Steve Backshall (42)
Eric Mabius (44)
Rob Riggle (45)
Nicole Sullivan (45)
Toby Stephens (46)
John Cameron Mitchell (52)
Jerry Only (56)
Robert Smith (56)
Andie MacDowell (57)
Tony Danza (64)
Patti LuPone (66)
Charles Grodin (80)
Elaine May (83)
Queen Elizabeth II (89)

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Night Crumbs

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

And here’s more of Jared Leto with his Joker hair in Toronto. That look is very “crackhead brother of Ronald McDonald begging for cigarettes outside of Coachella.” – Lainey Gossip

Kristen Stewart and her partner in pussy went to Coochella and I think they were the only chicks there not wearing cut-off coochie cutters – Celebitchy

Bravo wants you to think that they’re going to fire Kim RichardsReality Tea

Heather Locklear is in a two piece, looks hot while doing so – Drunken Stepfather

Call Sam Smith a “faggot” and it’ll bounce right off of him, but call him a “fatty” and he’ll slowly fall into a puddle of hurt on the floor – Towleroad

Those aren’t ass implants on Xtina. That’s just the pouch where she keeps her back-up bronzer and red lipsticks – The Superficial

Olivia Wilde is dressed like an office manager going to the company holiday party in 1983 – Popoholic

Matt Boner’s Magic Mike XXL poster needs less pants – Boy Culture

This is what the Batman v Superman posters look like – IDLYITW

On this 420, get into the scriptures of Our Patron Saint of the Good Shit - The Berry

In “Come yank your child off of Twitter” news, stupid ass teens are destroying their lips while doing the #KylieJennerChallengeJezebel

Conan O’Brien slaps at his writer for slapping at Jimmy FallonPajiba

Miranda Lambert’s titty makeup artist went a little overboard on the chichi contouring – Hollywood Tuna

And here’s Prince Hot Ginge playing wheelchair football – Popsugar

Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin are almost permanently consciously uncoupled and hopefully that means we’ll never have to hear the phrase “consciously uncoupled” again – ICYDK

Cissy Houston speaks and says that Bobbi Kristina Brown is out of a coma but has irreversible brain damage – People

Pics: Pacific Coast News

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QOTD: Giorgio Armani Doesn’t Like It When Men Dress Too Gay

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above serving up some pin-up Voldemort tease in a pair of super masculine black swim panties, 80-year-old Giorgio Armani let all the dudes know in an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine (via Towleroad) that if you see his picture after opening up Grindr near the Death Eaters’ lair, you better not message him if you’re full of muscle and not 100% masc. No fats, muscle marys or human men who get squeamish when a Slytherin sucks the life out of them during a salad tossing session. The Italian Oompa Loompa said that he doesn’t like it when a man dresses extremely homosexual and he also spat up a mini rant about muscles.

“A homosexual man is a man 100 per cent. He does not need to dress homosexual. When homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme – to say: ‘Ah, you know I’m homosexual,’ – that has nothing to do with me. A man has to be a man.

I don’t like muscle boy. Not too much gym! I like somebody healthy, somebody solid, who looks after his body but doesn’t use his muscles too much.”

Holy Google Translate HELL! That reads like my drunk ass translated it from Italian to English. And the only Italian I know I learned from the menu at the Olive Garden. But I still expect Elton John to lose his mind over this and boycott Giorgio Armani for a couple of hours.

I do love the line “homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme.” If I was an exhibit in a museum and the tour guide stopped in front of me as I was trolling PornHub in between writing a post about John Travolta as the Golden Girls played on the TV in front of me, they’d tell the museum goers, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is homosexuality exhibited to the extreme.” Actually, scratch that. The tour guide would say, “This is forever aloneness exhibited to the extreme.”

And is Giorgio Armani trying to destroy his company and make sales plummet? Is this all part of some insurance scheme? Because if he’s saying that men should only dress super manly and masculine, then he’s essentially saying that men shouldn’t buy the clothes he designs. I mean, he designed this super masculine ensemble (which I would totally wear to Smart + Final, by the way):

giorgioarmanimasculeine2015

Pics: Splash, Attitude UK

Open Post: Hosted By Blake NotSoLively Giving You Drowsy Bordello Showgirl

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m not sure if that The Age of Adaline movie is going to be an Ambien-induced boring train wreck that should’ve premiered on a Saturday afternoon on the Hallmark Hall of Fame channel or if it’s going to be a beautifully campy train wreck (probably the former), but I’m not about to pay the $45 and an internal organ (that’s the price of a movie ticket these days, right?) to find out. Besides, I’m pretty sure that at the end of that shit we find out that the real reason why Adaline doesn’t age is because she’s actually a hollow mannequin, which explains why she has the charisma of paint chips and tap water. But anyway, the premiere for that Age of Adaline movie happened in NYC yesterday and Blake NotSoLively showed up looking like Miss Kitty’s low-rent, opium-addicted nemesis.

Blake really went for it. She mixed red, lace, feathers AND leather. If one of Johnny Weir’s more understated skating costumes bareback fucked one of Liberace’s feathered capes, 9 months later that dress would pop out. Blake looked like a Fredrick’s of Hollywood mannequin getting attacked by a pack of red Fraggles. Red lace, leather and feathers is where tacky and trashy meets. What I’m saying is that this the hottest dress that Blake NotSoLively has ever worn. The next time she gets dressed, she needs to stand in front of a mirror and ask herself, “Would RuPaul think this is too much?” If the answer is no, she needs to add more feathers and tons of fucking sequins until the answer is YES.

And here’s more of Blake at that Adaline premiere with her hot piece of a co-star Michiel Huisman.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Aaron Taylor-Johnson Doesn’t Think He’s Too Young For Sam Taylor-Johnson Because He’s Always Felt Old

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

On the left, you have 48-year-old Fifty Shades director and secretary-treasurer of the Goopy Paltrow Appreciation Society Sam Taylor-Johnson. On the right, you have her 24-year-old piece of six years, actor and pants-dampening hottie Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Except in Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s mind, those two ages should come with a needs verification warning. Aaron recently told The Times (via Daily Mail) that he has always been an “old soul” type and that Sam has always been a I-can-still-pass-for-19-right? type, so their 24-year age difference isn’t that big a deal. Oh, also that he might have reverse-aging disease:

“I don’t notice it now – we just instinctively gel. People who know me call me Benjamin Button – they think I’m an old soul and she’s a young soul.”

Wait, so if Aaron Taylor-Johnson is a Benjamin Buttons type, doesn’t that mean he’s only going to get younger? (“I SURE HOPE SO!” hornily hollered Sam Taylor-Johnson). I think Aaron’s friends might be using Benjamin Buttons wrong. Are they confusing it with Jack syndrome, aka where your birth certificate says ’89 but you look ’59? Wait, that doesn’t work either. Is there a term for a dude who looks young, is young, but does old man things? Alex P. Keatonitis or Carlton Banksulism?

But even if he doesn’t think those 24 years are a problem, there will always be one fundamental age difference between Aaron and Sam: Aaron used to eat his Snack Pack pudding out of a plastic cup, whereas Sam Taylor-Johnson used to eat hers out of a can. Actually, I bet that’s how Madonna weeds out potential new boyfriends. “Do you remember eating pudding out of a can Y/N?

Here’s Benjamin Buttons looking like a Mountie who traded his horse for a Harley as he arrives at LAX yesterday with his wife, who sort of looks like Dobby the House Elf in RHOBH drag:

Pics: Splash

Big Sean And Ariana Grande Latte Broke Up After Only 8 Months And They’d Like You To Respect Their Privacy

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Expect Naya Rivera to tweet something like, “I normally don’t, but HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!

Grade schools everywhere are calling in extra guidance counselors today to comfort the children who are traumatized by the breakup of playground queen Ariana Grande Latte and her boyfriend of 8 long months Big Sean. Elementary school cafeterias will be serving pot brownies for the next couple of days and not just because it’s 4/20, but because they need to calm down all of the hysterical, bawling chirrun who have lost faith in true love. Reps for the Monster High Monster Grade School dropout and Big Sean pulled out a melodramatic generic statement from the file marked “break ups” and gave it to UsWeekly:

“They both deeply care for each other and remain close friends. We kindly ask that the media respect their wish for privacy regarding this personal matter at this time.”

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: Queefing up a serious statement over a relationship that lasted about as long an extended fart or saying that they want privacy during this difficult time. I’ve had meals at Outback that have lasted longer than their relationship and now that I think about it, I got the super sads when that meal ended and I should’ve released a serious statement about it. But I shouldn’t laugh at the dramatic toddler and her grown boyfriend. You know how kids are. They celebrate their one week anniversary of going around, so 8 months is a lifetime to them. I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is crying out real toddler tears, because the MASH game said she was going to marry Big Sean, live in a mansion with him, have 45 kids, drive a crystal carriage and get a job as a fairy princess. The MASH game lied to her!

An “inside source” tells UsWeekly that Big Sean’s baseball bat dick stopped paying a visit to Ariana Grande’s billion dollar pussy a few weeks ago, because they decided that they should end things now since their touring schedules are going to keep them apart for the next year. Or maybe they broke up because their contract expired. Or maybe her daddy made her break up with him for saying he gives her the big D on Instagram. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is going to rebound with Justin Bieber. The Biebs better spend more time on the Playskool weight bench, because Ariana likes to be carried around and her 2 ton ponytail weighs more than he does.

File Under “Opposite Of Shocking”: David O. Russell Was A Dick To Amy Adams On The Set Of American Hustle

April 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Is there an award for outstanding achievement in the field of subtle stank face excellence? Because Amy Adams should receive 10 of them. I mean, if that isn’t the face of “Hurry up and take the god damn picture already so I can boot scoot it away from this trick“, then I don’t know what is.

Thanks to this latest round of leaked Sony emails, we have another ‘David O. Russell is a ragey asshole’ story to add to the already pretty huge pile. The NY Daily News found an email sent to Sony’s Michael Lynton from his journalist brother-in-law, MSNBC’s Jonathan Alter that was sent in September of last year regarding David’s behavior on the set of American Wigs Hustle, and guess what? He was acting like a total douche! I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. So shocked. Somebody get me a Costco-sized tub of smelling salts.

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