If you dumped out my purse (purse, drawstring Crown Royal bag – same thing, really), you’d find the following: a wallet held together with nude dude bandaids, keys, reading glasses, a partially melted lip balm, a prayer card with a picture of my personal lord and savior Nancy Hicks-Gribble, and 12 to 14 expired Egg McMuffin coupons. You know, the usual. But if you were to dump out former supermodel Elle Macpherson’s purse, you’d find a urine testing kit. Not maybe you’ll find a urine testing kit, but you’ll always find a urine testing kit. When asked by the London Evening Standard what the most surprising thing in her handbag, Elle answered:
“A pH balance urine tester kit to check that I’m in an alkaline state. I believe that most ailments come from having an acidic body.”
Upon hearing this news, Gwyneth Paltrow screamed “Yeah…well…I carry around a urine AND a feces test AND a thing that measures the alkalinity of my crusty eye boogers, even though I don’t really need it, because I know I’ll always be super basic.” And that right there is my only science-y sounding joke.
So basically (ha!), Elle Macpherson is doing piss tests pretty much every time she hits the ladies room. Damn, that’s a lot of work! Half the time I’m in a public washroom, I’m making sure I don’t drop anything into the toilet or pissing on the back of my shirt. The rest of the time is spent wrapping my hand in one of those paper toilet seat covers so I can use it as a little brush to clean all the pubes and pee droplets off the seat. I can’t imagine also adding self-imposed urine test into all that.
Of course, the Twilight Zone ending to all of this would be if Elle went to her doctor complaining of feeling sick and he informed her that she has a severe case of urine poisoning of the hands. What a twist!
Wanksy, my new favorite British artiste who has been painting short white dicks on the streets in Bury, Greater Manchester because he wants the city to finally fill the potholes.
A mysterious artiste who is going by the name Wanksy is sick and tired of the town of Bury doing nothing about potholes so he’s been drawing a picture of one of my favorite things around them, because he knows that the council will THINK OF THE CHILDREN and cover them up. Some artistes who aren’t as creative and imaginative as Wanksky would paint a pussy or an asshole around that pothole, but Wanksy is an original visionary so he paints dicks complete with peen slits (and sometimes a jizz load!). Although, he really did miss an opportunity and should’ve made that cut white dick look like it’s fucking and filling that pothole.
Of course the city council wants him to stop, because they think it’s obscene and not something children should see. Oh please, the children probably look at those works of street art and say, “Amateur! The peens I spray paint onto the bathroom wall after smoking crack during lunch look better than that!” Wansky said this to the BBC:
“They [potholes] don’t get filled. They’ll be there for months.. People will drive over the same pothole and forget about it. Suddenly you draw something amusing around it, everyone sees it and it either gets reported or fixed.
It’s not an actual photograph of an anatomical part, it’s a drawing, it’s artwork. The naked body is a thing artists have painted for years. There are sculptures that don’t wear clothes. It’s artistic expressions. To be offended by that, you must be very prudish.”
Wansky says that he uses road marking paint and not spray paint so his circumcised peen sketches wash away after a week or two. But the dick-shaming city council still wants him to stop and says that his masterpeen drawings aren’t getting potholes filled faster. His peen paintings are wasting “valuable time and resources.” The good news is that the city doesn’t completely cover Wanksy’s work. They let this cumming peen head still be great:
Wanksy is truly doing good work. He’s trying to get those potholes filled and he’s making the streets a much more gorgeous place in the meantime. But if he did that where I’d live, he’d be wasting his time. Because as soon he drew a white dick on the street, my desperate, hard-up, dick-hungry ass would lick and scoot up that white paint real quick.
Drew and Jonathan Scott (37)
Samuel Larson (24)
Jenna Ushkowitz (29)
Harry Shum Jr. (33)
Jessica Alba (34)
Alex Riley (34)
Violent J (34)
Nate Richert (37)
Penelope Cruz (41)
Eric Vale (41)
Jorge Garcia (42)
Elisabeth Rohm (42)
Bridget Moynahan (44)
Too Short (49)
Kim Gordon (62)
Mary McDonnell (63)
Jay Leno (65)
Paul Guilfoyle (66)
Harper Lee (89)
Dame St. Angie Jolie, James Haven (with his hypnotizing STAINS eyes covered) and Maddox strolled through LAX yesterday. Every time I see Maddox looking more grown than the last time I saw him, a white hair grows in my ear - Lainey Gossip
Kim Richards is probably putting all the blame on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for her arrest and her fall off the wagon - Reality Tea
Brian Williams is a human fountain of lies, reportedly – Celebitchy
Gisele Bundchen’s ass cheek and side chichi are on Vogue Brazil - Drunken Stepfather
RiRi is wearing a bikini and what looks like a chiffon diaper – The Superficial
Stephen Hawking has finally stopped blabbing about black holes and other unimportant shit and is sharing his thoughts on issues that really matter – Towleroad
How many green June Bugs died to make Olivia Culpo’s dress? – Hollywood Tuna
BREAKING: Kate Upton has acne – Popoholic
Some Grey’s Anatomy fans are demanding the return of McDreamy. Those crazies may be on to something. I’ll totally start watching Grey’s if zombie McDreamy rises from the dead and eats everyone – Jezebel
Baby seeing a dandelion for the first time = me watching anything on TV while seriously stoned – The Berry
The world is a little bit less glamorous today, because Jayne Meadows has gone up to heaven – The Wrap
It’s very sad that Mila Kunis is out there freely attending music festivals. That shameless chicken thief should be in prison – Popsugar
Ariana Grande Latte’s crazy pumpkin-giving stalker is still crazy and still at it – ICYDK
This Magic Mike poster starring Joe ManJello is sadly lacking a whole lot of bulge. Someone should get fired for this! – Boy Culture
Dave Chapelle pulled a Guns N’ Roses in Detroit – WWTDD
Naya Kardashian takes a knocked up selfie - SOW
Suki Waterhouse might’ve jumped from Bradley Cooper to James Marsden – Just Jared
NOTE: The CAPTION THIS Contest is still hungover from the weekend so it’ll be back tomorrow.
John Stamos better sleep on a floater in the middle of a pool full of holy water with crucifixes surrounding him and his body covered in polyester pajamas from KMart (the Olsens won’t get near anything that’s polyester and from KMart), because the Olsens are going to git him for calling them liars.
The Olsens apparently played dumb when Women’s Wear Daily asked them about the Full House spin-off called Fuller House. They acted like nobody talked to them about it and claimed they found out about it at the same time as everyone else. But I should’ve known not to believe what comes out of the mouth of those two shifty gothic leprechauns. John Stamos retweeted an article about the Olsens claiming he never told them about Fuller House and his response was: “I call bullshit.” Some source tells E! News that John Stamos has every right to call bullshit, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did know about Fuller House before everyone else found out about it.
“They knew about the show. It wasn’t a surprise to them. They definitely knew it was happening.”
You’re probably wondering where Marie Osmond is in that picture. Well, if you cover Charo, squint your eyes and stare real hard, you may be able to see Marie’s black scrub brush eyelashes. That’s what happens when someone makes the wrong move of posing next to Charo. Her sequined-embedded star power outshines them and they instantly become the “Michelle Williams” and blend into the background.
The Daytime Emmys happened last night and I didn’t find out until after it had already happened. It aired on something called Pop, which used to be the TV Guide Channel. Why in the HELL would they air an important TV eventl starring the greatest humans in the world, Charo and Betty White, on a channel that some people might not get? Well, maybe they figured that if they showed it on a basic channel, every single person in the country, if not world, would watch it and they’d have to watch it with their A/C blasting all the way up since Charo and Betty White’s hotness seeps through the screen. So if every single person watched it with their A/C blasting, energy plants would explode and it’d be a major disaster. So they showed it on that Pop shit for the sake of humanity and the environment!
Earth angel Betty White was given a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmys last night and Charo helped present her with it. If you click to the 7:55 mark in the video below, you’ll see Charo and Betty White do the Coochie Coochie thrust together. Hold on to something sturdy, because when Charo and Betty White thrust their legendary coochies together, you will fall back.
When you type “scissor sisters bumping coochies” on the PornHub in heaven, that clip is what you get.
And here’s some of the shiny wrecks from last night’s Daytime Emmys. Everybody except for Charo, Betty White and Donna Mills looks a mess. Kelly Monaco has some kind of growth covered in jizz balls on her dress and Tyra Banks looks like Raven from Drag Race as a bootleg Marvel superhero.
I know this is a paused-at-the-right moment picture, but I like to think it’s also the same face Kim Kardashian makes whenever her kurrent husband Kanye West starts into a 2-hour long rant about fashion or she’s forced to remember anything about North West besides her best angle for a pap photo.
Not to be outdone by all the attention her step-father Bruce Jenner received over the weekend, Kim Kardashian made an appearance on the TODAY show this morning to talk about how she and the rest of the koven are handling things ever since Bruce publicly came out as transgender. Kim, who sounded a bit like a delayed Fisher-Price See n’ Say, told Matt Lauer that she and her family supports him 100%, but that their family is still taking time to adjust. She also says there have been hundreds of family meetings (which I’m sure they referred to as a selfie break) with “every emotion you could possibly imagine.” She then added (she didn’t, but go with me on this one) “…emotions such as drowsiness, boredom, lethargy, indifference – all shown through a wide variety of paralyzed facial expressions, like a dead-eyed fish-mouth or…dead-eyed fish-mouth.”
Damn, those hard-core attention enthusiasts couldn’t resist yanking the spotlight away Bruce, even for a couple minutes. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she and the rest of her family take it one step further by announcing several new E! shows, like Keeping Up With The Kardashians As They Keep Up With Bruce and Kim & Khloe Take Bruce’s Transition Very Seriously.
The Telegraph says that the fourth in line to the throne and Baby Prince George’s standby was supposed to be pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine last Thursday, but none of spent the day staring at the front door of the Lindo Wing (named after Auntie Lindo from Joy Luck Club, of course) for hours on end, so obviously that didn’t happen. The Telegraph’s source says that the newest baby prince or princess is four days late and I’m not surprised. Babies are rude. They’re like my cousins. They’re always late and when they do get around to showing up, they cry for a drank. On second thought, it’s wrong of me to compare babies to my cousins. Yes, babies are rude, but at least they show up with a dish (aka the placenta). My cousins just show up with empty Tupperware containers to take leftovers home.
Some unnamed person whose baby was born in the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital tells The Telegraph that Duchess Kate’s doctors have probably already talked to her about inducing, because doctors normally don’t wait longer than a week. But an aide for Kensington Palace (aka The weekday receptionist who answered the phone. So Fergie, basically.) told UsWeekly that everyone needs to shut their mouths about DK’s due date because they don’t know shit about shit:
“We have never commented on or discussed a due date.”
DK said before that her “due date” is somewhere between mid-April and late-April, so those patriotic jewels of England in the picture above may have to camp out for a few more days.
If DK really wants the new royal baby to come out now, there’s a few things she can try. Doctors say that an effective, yet severely cruel, inducing method involves blasting a Nickelback song into the mother’s mouth. The sound will travel down into the womb and that baby will immediately bust out the nearest exit to get away from that musical torture. She can also get somebody to wave a picture of Prince Hot Ginge with a puppy in front of her royal vagine. The royal baby will immediately crawl toward it, because no human can resist a picture of PHG with a puppy. And lastly, if someone whispers the words, “Morrissey is having the best day ever,” next to Duchess Kate’s stomach, that baby will come out real quick, because nothing ruins Morrissey’s month like knowing that there’s another British royal amongst us and those British royals live to ruin Morrissey’s month.
And here’s the new royal baby’s uncle looking hot at the London Marathon yesterday.
The Ghost of Iggy Azalea Future Vanilla Ice, seen above dressed as Mark Twain’s AXE-spritzing Monster-chugging pimped-out stage coach-driving dirtbag brother Gary ‘Greazy G’ Twain (at least that’s I’m assuming) in Adam Sandler’s upcoming film The Ridiculous 6, wants you to know that it’s not nearly as offensive to Native Americans as those Native American actors who walked off set last week claim it is.
Vanilla Ice defended The Ridiculous 6 to TMZ yesterday, saying that it’s “a comedy” and that it’s not “Dancing with Wolves.” I don’t know what “Dancing with Wolves” is, but it sounds like a Seltzer-Friedberg parody of Dances with Wolves starring Taylor Lautner and the cast of Dancing With The Stars, so I’m in. Vanilla says he wasn’t on set the day the Native American actors quit, but if he wants to see what it looked like, there’s now a video of the R6 producers telling the actors to leave if they’re offended by the script.
He then went on to say they’re just making a funny movie before adding that he’s “part Choctaw” and he sees both sides of the issue. Today I learned: Vanilla Ice is totally that girl you know who dresses up as a slutty Indian every Halloween because she’s 1/98th “Chickasaw…Chik-fil-a…chickasomething“, so it’s totally cool.
Vanilla Ice was the wrong person to ask about this shit, because that picture above is probably the most offensive thing I’ve seen about The Ridiculous 6. How dare a dude in lazy Mark Twain drag throwing white guy gang signs take up valuable space from true A-list talent like David Spade and Rob Schneider. Until you make a movie as good as Joe Dirt or The Hot Chick, aka two of the greatest films ever made, your ass stands in the back row. Second-from-the-left is a spot you earn, Vanilla!
It truly isn’t a picture of Mariah Carey unless you’re asking yourself, “Is that a picture of Mimi or a highly over-Photoshopped flyer for the Cowardly Lion’s drag debut as a JLo impersonator?”
The ear walls of the lambs are covered in candy-coated glitter today, because their yodeling god released the only new song on her compilation album #1 To Infinity, which has all 18 number of her number 1 hits on it. When you listen to Mimi’s new song “Infinity,” you’ll suddenly get a craving for an Ecto Cooler and Lay’s WOW Chips, because it’ll take you back to the 90s. “Infinity” sounds like a mash-up of every single Mimi song from the 90s. It also sounds like Mimi dropping a messy, sloppy, wet Hello Kitty shit all over Nick Cannon. I’m sure Mimi will try to say that this song has absolutely nothing to do with Nick Cannon, but if you play it backwards you’ll hear the sound of her saying, “Nick Cannon ain’t shit,” over and over again. Here’s just a few of the song’s lyrics. This shit reads like something you scribbled on your Pee Chee folder with a licorice-scented Mr. Sketch marker in homeroom after your boyfriend dumped you for that slut skank tramp hussy whore Leticia. In other words, I love these lyrics!
Name hold weight like kilos/ Boy, you actin’ so corny like Fritos/ Wouldn’t have none of that without me though
If life was a game you’re a free throw/ It’s nothing that you don’t already know
Is it lack of ice got you so cold?/ Have you ever felt this on your own?
Why you tryin’ to play like you’re so grown?/ Everything you own, boy, you still owe
Truthfully I’m through with this/ Why are we still doing this?/ Answer the phone like, “Who is this?”
Mimi’s name deserves to be on the list of history’s greatest poets next to William Blake and John Keats, because it takes a certified literary genius and true poetic mind to rhyme “kilos” with “Fritos.”
Here’s the song and lyric video, which looks like the aftermath of a truck full of MS Paint Desktop Icons crashing into a Lisa Frank folder:
That last note… It sounds like Ross Mathews on a roller coaster. I’m sure the fire department will knock on my door, because I’m sure my neighbor heard that screeching and thought it was my smoke detector going off. Thanks, Mimi.