Archives: April 2015

Rihanna Wants You To Know She’s Definitely 100% Not Dating Leonardo DiCaprio

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

About a month ago, Leonardo DiCaprio’s people sent out a Morse code message from the communications deck of Leo’s snapper trapping yacht, The S. S. Snatch Catcher, to silence the rumor that he was sticking his dirty hobo dick in Rihanna by claiming that he was still single. And now it’s RiRi’s turn to do the same.

During a recent interview with Hello! (via The Daily Mail), Princess Ooh Na Na was asked: “How does Rihanna DiCaprio sound to you?“, because I suppose the sneaky sleuths at Hello! were trying to trick her into admitting that she was still picking Leo’s bloated beard lice off her pillowcases. Unfortunately for them, RiRi is smarter than the average intergalactic stripper princess, and she responded:

“It sounds to me like you should stay away from the blogs because they will screw you every time. I’m so busy right now that I just don’t have a lot of time to offer to a man, so it wouldn’t even be fair to be thinking of pulling somebody else into this life. But if I did, he would have to be man enough to live with my schedule and not get scared.”

So there you have it. RiRi is too busy to be cruising around the world on Leo’s floating fuck pad. But back to that Rihanna DiCaprio business. What the hell kind of dumb ass question was that? How does Rihanna DiCaprio sound? DUH – it sounds terrible! Rihanna is like Cher or Snoopy – she doesn’t need a last name. Rihanna isn’t tied down to a man OR a last name.

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Excuse My Jailbird Beauty: Teresa Giudice Poses For The Cover Of UsWeekly In Prison

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

You might be feeling dead inside from reading the dozens of hilarious April Fools’ jokes that your prank master friends are putting on Facebook, so here’s something to fill your insides with sweetness and awwwwness. One of The Real Grifters of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is about 3 months into her 15-month prison sentence and since she’s got court fines and creditors to pay back, she got prison bitch glamorous for a touching fambly portrait shoot for UsWeekly. Nothing brings the unfeeling mound of bitterness you call a heart to life like a criminal making money off of being a criminal. But what really makes this cover extra special and sweet is that they cut out her two other daughters from the picture. You dodged a tacky bullet, other Giudice girls.

UsWeeklysays that the Olan Mills-like portrait was taken in the visiting room at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Conn, which is Teresa’ home for the next few months, because she committed bankruptcy fraud, among other things, with her husband Juicy Joe. Teresa told UsWeekly through her lawyer that what she really misses most is Bravo’s cameras. No, Teresa said that she misses her girls and they will get through it together as a fambly, blah, blah, fart, blah.

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That Mysterious Illness Avril Lavigne Had Was Lyme Disease

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Avril Lavigne, who looks like a third-rate Amy Adams impersonator in a Coldwater Creek ad on the cover,  recently spoke to People about the mysterious illness that made her go MIA for the past couple of months. At the time, Avril never said what she was sick with, so naturally I assumed it was an allergy to some cheap black eyeliner. In reality, it was much worse: Avril Lavigne had contracted a serious case of Lyme disease.

According to Avril, it all started back in October during a trip to Las Vegas for her 30th birthday. Avril says while her friends were hanging out at the pool, she was hanging out in her bedroom feeling all kinds of sick. When she got home, she still felt like shit, so she went to the doctor and that’s when she was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Cut to Chad Kroeger breathing a huge sigh of relief that his wife’s illness wasn’t the result of listening to “She Keeps Me Up“.

After taking a bunch of time off to recover at home in Ontario with her mom, Avril says she’s “80 percent better” and that “This was a wake-up call. I really just want to enjoy life from here on out.” I just pictured Avril Lavigne diving into a swimming pool shaped like Hello Kitty that’s been filled with 30,000 gallons of hot pink Manic Panic.

The only thing I know about Lyme disease* is that Yolanda Foster and Miss Hoover had it, and that you get it from a tick bite. And since I have a major phobia of bitey things, Avril has all my sympathy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to dump an entire bottle of bleach on my brain in an attempt to cure the severe case of the willies I got from looking up ‘What are spirochetes‘ immediately after ‘What are morgellons.

*Note from Michael: As most of you know, Allison is from Canada where The Real Word: Seattle never aired, so she does not know about important Lyme disease education advocate Irene McGee. And since whenever you think about Irene from The Real World: Seattle, you think about that “Irene! Irene!” slap down moment, here’s that clip.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

The topless Australian blossom of Google Maps!

And a new Australian hero has emerged in all her big tittied glory. Australia announced today that their new country flower is a delicate and demure, wide-petaled beauty named Karen Davis of Port Pirie. When a Google Street View mobile made the rounds in Karen’s neighborhood back in January, she did what everybody should do when they see that shit: she pulled up her t-shirt and gave a Flowers Gone Wild titty show as either her neighbors or family members nearly exploded with pride nearby.

Before Google uploads the pictures their Google Street View mobile takes, they pass the pictures through some software that blurs out faces, license plates and anything that may be offensive to human eyes like Justin Bieber, CROCs and a dog wearing tiny UGGs. (Note: When I was in NYC over the weekend, I saw a dog wearing what looked like pink UGGs and if my phone’s battery wasn’t at 19%, I would’ve called 911 to report that crime against caninity.) But when Google ran the picture from Karen’s block through their software, it blurred out the license plate and headlights on the car next to her but it didn’t blur out the high beams on her chest. After the cut is the uncensored NSFW screen shot of the new pride of Australia and her magnificent chichi gourds.

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Birthday Sluts

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Susan Boyle (54)
Asa Butterfield (18)
Kid Ink (29)
Hillary Scott (29)
Matt Lanter (32)
Sam Huntington (33)
Taran Killam (33)
Bijou Phillips (35)
Jon Gosselin (38)
David Oyelowo (39)
China Chow (41)
Joe Francis (42)
Rachel Maddow (42)
Albert and Allen Hughes (43)
Chris Evans, the presenter (49)
Jane Adams (50)
Phillip Schofield (53)
Barry Sonnenfeld (62)
Annette O’Toole (63)
Ali MacGraw (76)
Debbie Reynolds (83)
Jane Powell (86)

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