Everyone can stop searching the silver bracelet section of every Santa Fe gift shop and stop peeking through the scarf rack at Loehmann’s with a flashlight, because Johnny Depp has turned up!
Just a quick minute after the press in Australia declared Johnny Depp missing and Page Six said that his marriage to Amber Heard was in a freezer at the morgue, he and his wedded piece turned up the smiles during a happy couple photo-op show for the paps in Brisbane today. Johnny is back in Australia to finish shooting Pirates of the Caribbean VVVIIII: A Check Is A Check, Arrr after he took some time out to let his jacked-up hand heal. Sources said that Johnny was supposed to be back in Australia last Thursday, but he didn’t show up and although the crew members didn’t miss his hair lard splattering against their faces when it got windy, they were pissed at him for holding up production. But he’s baaaaaaaack!
As Johnny thought to himself “For where am I?” Amber acted like she was Anita Ekberg in La Dolce Goddamn Vita by giving it to the paps after they got off a private jet. I don’t know why, but these pictures gave me shades of “Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall at Christmastimes.” But seriously, the haters can slather a thick layer of Johnny Depp’s pit foam on their hate and eat it. Because they are together and happier than ever. Can’t you tell? Johnny Depp is alive and well…he’s alive, and their marriage is alive and well!
And I’m sure right after these two strolled into the airport, Amber let go of his arm and got into a trunk which her assistant pushed past the paps and onto that private jet headed back to the US.
Ah, the greasy beady-eyed sex possum fuckstare of The Deaner – how I’ve missed thee! Its been far too long. “Too long? That’s what she said! Just kidding, nobody’s ever said it’s too long. Well, maybe the time The Deaner chugged an expired Bubba and it took me 4 hours to nut.”
Leprechaun-looking TV chef Bobby Flay is currently in the middle of some divorce drama, the latest being that his marriage to Stephanie March might have died because he was getting his 28-year-old assistant to prep his chorizo. Since getting caught cheating is a skill that is practically at the top of The Deaner’s resume, he decided to reach out to his Food Network brother-in-sleaze and offer some relationship advice. Unfortunately, because being a straight-up dumbass is The Deaner’s second greatest skill, his advice is garbage. While promoting his cookbook The Gourmet Dad (Hooters special edition title: But You Can Call Me Daddy – Wink!), The Deaner told the New York Daily News:
“He needs to make some get out of jail meals for her. I would hope that they would be able to work things out because I was fortunate enough to be on that side of things working out.”
Considering he spent one of his most recent meals with his wife pulling her melted Barbie doll body off a Benihana hibachi, The Deaner is the last person who should be giving advice on how to woo your woman with food.
But I’d really love to know what kind of shit he was cooking for Tori Spelling in order to ‘get out of jail‘. Oh, what do you know? I happen to have his email to Bobby Flay right here!
“What’s crappenin’ dawg? I got a relationship-saving recipe for you. Sometimes your wife catches you basting another ham, and the best way to apologize is to make your her a pot of chili. Cutting up onions will make it look like you’ve been crying, while your farts mask the scent of strange on your dick. Relationship saved! Can I have a job now?“
When the Internet said that Netflix was making plans to bring back the 90s ALL THE WAY by ordering a spin-off of Full House called Fuller House, everyone (read: me and only me, as usual) celebrated this news of the century by pulling out the vintage bottle of Orbitz they’ve been saving and toasted to the triumphant return of fashion and comedy icon Kimmy Gibbler. Netflix made it official yesterday. They announced that in 2016, they will push out 13 episodes of Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER!!!!!!! and other people none of us care about. But well, I’m not pulling out my vintage bottle of Zima just yet (Real talk note: I wish I had a kitchen cabinet full of fine vintage beverages from the 90s.), because Netflix dry farted up the summary of Fuller House and this shit will suck the scrunch out of your scrunchie.
But maybe don’t pour the whole thing out, since you’ll want at least a little bit to help you cope with the fact that America’s constantly-high Hillbilly Rodent Princess Miley Cyrus and the dude who was made when Kindergarten Cop busted a bareback nut into a Kennedy cousin (aka Patrick Schwarzenegger) are done with each other. If two rich party rats can’t make a PR relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?
According to People, a “source” (Hollerin’ Hank from his new website, www.I’sDoneToldYuz.net, which is really just Hank nailing pieces of gossip to the side of the ol’ shouting tree) says Miley and Patrick are officially killing their relationship after 5 months, adding that “It’s not a break. It’s done.” Apparently they called it quits because Patrick’s side-piece was tired of picking weed-scented pork rind crumbs out of his pubes. NO! The source says it’s because he’s still in college and she’s got her music career and they’re in “two different places.”
Neither Miley’s or Patrick’s rep has said anything about their break up, and Miley has yet to tweet something about how she ‘ain’t makin’ slimeys no more‘ or whatever trashy possum term Miley’s family has for fucking.
Then again, yesterday was 420, which means she had better things to do than tweet about her break up. Actually, now that I think about it – I bet she’s already forgotten that it happened. (ring ring) “Hey Patrick Sandwichwhatever, it’s me Miley! Y’all wanna come over and make slimeys? What do ya mean we ain’t not no more courtin? Dang, you done achy breaked mah heart! You still wanna come over tho? I got a new bottle of jerky lube that I’m itchin’ to try.“
Scientology demonstrates its new surveillance program. – CeciliaK
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
Crackheads – Tanagra
Awe fuck. I guess I missed the first republican primary debate? – Robert
Pic: LOL HEHEHE
Car Window Garfield!
On the last episode of Veep, President Selena took my mind all the way back when she name dropped Car Window Garfield while bitching out Gary. I hadn’t thought about Car Window Garfield in years and I punched my skull, because I wanted to punish my brain for not remembering such an important piece of my life. Actually, now that I think about it, if I wanted to punish my brain I would’ve watched a Kim Kardashian interview. But enough about a trick who got famous by sucking on things, let’s pay homage to this trick who got famous by sucking on things.
When Garfield was the hottest pussy around in the 80s, you could find him stuck to the window of every other car. You couldn’t turn around without seeing a sun-faded Garfield looking coked up out of his mind while clinging to a car window with those suction cups on his paws. Those bulging eyes and grinding teeth. Lasagna isn’t his drug of choice. It’s coke! He looked like a strung out pussy trying to jump out of the car to get his next fix. I loved him. My mom got one for her car and I know she didn’t want to. She probably got sick of me begging for a stupid ass Car Window Garfield and if I begged one more time, she was going to throw herself out the car window, so she finally got one. I bet she took it down whenever I wasn’t in the car.
I don’t really remember exactly when Car Window Garfield vanished from the streets, but I haven’t seen one in centuries. I bet they’re all in the backroom of a Goodwill warehouse, plotting and waiting for the day when they’ll get revenge on humanity for throwing them away like a used condom. One day, we’ll all get up in the morning and scream as dozens of Car Window Garfields cling to our bedroom windows and stare at us with those STAINS on crack eyes. The revenge of the Car Window Garfield is coming!
Iggy Pop (68)
Tavi Gevinson (19)
Robbie Amell (27)
Jessica Clark (30)
Brianne Davis (33)
Tony Romo (35)
James MacAvoy (36)
Charlie O’Connell (40)
Steve Backshall (42)
Eric Mabius (44)
Rob Riggle (45)
Nicole Sullivan (45)
Toby Stephens (46)
John Cameron Mitchell (52)
Jerry Only (56)
Robert Smith (56)
Andie MacDowell (57)
Tony Danza (64)
Patti LuPone (66)
Charles Grodin (80)
Elaine May (83)
Queen Elizabeth II (89)
And here’s more of Jared Leto with his Joker hair in Toronto. That look is very “crackhead brother of Ronald McDonald begging for cigarettes outside of Coachella.” – Lainey Gossip
Kristen Stewart and her partner in pussy went to Coochella and I think they were the only chicks there not wearing cut-off coochie cutters – Celebitchy
Bravo wants you to think that they’re going to fire Kim Richards – Reality Tea
Heather Locklear is in a two piece, looks hot while doing so – Drunken Stepfather
Call Sam Smith a “faggot” and it’ll bounce right off of him, but call him a “fatty” and he’ll slowly fall into a puddle of hurt on the floor – Towleroad
Those aren’t ass implants on Xtina. That’s just the pouch where she keeps her back-up bronzer and red lipsticks – The Superficial
Olivia Wilde is dressed like an office manager going to the company holiday party in 1983 – Popoholic
Matt Boner’s Magic Mike XXL poster needs less pants – Boy Culture
This is what the Batman v Superman posters look like – IDLYITW
On this 420, get into the scriptures of Our Patron Saint of the Good Shit - The Berry
In “Come yank your child off of Twitter” news, stupid ass teens are destroying their lips while doing the #KylieJennerChallenge – Jezebel
Conan O’Brien slaps at his writer for slapping at Jimmy Fallon – Pajiba
Miranda Lambert’s titty makeup artist went a little overboard on the chichi contouring – Hollywood Tuna
And here’s Prince Hot Ginge playing wheelchair football – Popsugar
Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin are almost permanently consciously uncoupled and hopefully that means we’ll never have to hear the phrase “consciously uncoupled” again – ICYDK
Cissy Houston speaks and says that Bobbi Kristina Brown is out of a coma but has irreversible brain damage – People
Pics: Pacific Coast News
Seen above serving up some pin-up Voldemort tease in a pair of super masculine black swim panties, 80-year-old Giorgio Armani let all the dudes know in an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine (via Towleroad) that if you see his picture after opening up Grindr near the Death Eaters’ lair, you better not message him if you’re full of muscle and not 100% masc. No fats, muscle marys or human men who get squeamish when a Slytherin sucks the life out of them during a salad tossing session. The Italian Oompa Loompa said that he doesn’t like it when a man dresses extremely homosexual and he also spat up a mini rant about muscles.
“A homosexual man is a man 100 per cent. He does not need to dress homosexual. When homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme – to say: ‘Ah, you know I’m homosexual,’ – that has nothing to do with me. A man has to be a man.
I don’t like muscle boy. Not too much gym! I like somebody healthy, somebody solid, who looks after his body but doesn’t use his muscles too much.”
Holy Google Translate HELL! That reads like my drunk ass translated it from Italian to English. And the only Italian I know I learned from the menu at the Olive Garden. But I still expect Elton John to lose his mind over this and boycott Giorgio Armani for a couple of hours.
I do love the line “homosexuality is exhibited to the extreme.” If I was an exhibit in a museum and the tour guide stopped in front of me as I was trolling PornHub in between writing a post about John Travolta as the Golden Girls played on the TV in front of me, they’d tell the museum goers, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is homosexuality exhibited to the extreme.” Actually, scratch that. The tour guide would say, “This is forever aloneness exhibited to the extreme.”
And is Giorgio Armani trying to destroy his company and make sales plummet? Is this all part of some insurance scheme? Because if he’s saying that men should only dress super manly and masculine, then he’s essentially saying that men shouldn’t buy the clothes he designs. I mean, he designed this super masculine ensemble (which I would totally wear to Smart + Final, by the way):
I’m not sure if that The Age of Adaline movie is going to be an Ambien-induced boring train wreck that should’ve premiered on a Saturday afternoon on the Hallmark Hall of Fame channel or if it’s going to be a beautifully campy train wreck (probably the former), but I’m not about to pay the $45 and an internal organ (that’s the price of a movie ticket these days, right?) to find out. Besides, I’m pretty sure that at the end of that shit we find out that the real reason why Adaline doesn’t age is because she’s actually a hollow mannequin, which explains why she has the charisma of paint chips and tap water. But anyway, the premiere for that Age of Adaline movie happened in NYC yesterday and Blake NotSoLively showed up looking like Miss Kitty’s low-rent, opium-addicted nemesis.
Blake really went for it. She mixed red, lace, feathers AND leather. If one of Johnny Weir’s more understated skating costumes bareback fucked one of Liberace’s feathered capes, 9 months later that dress would pop out. Blake looked like a Fredrick’s of Hollywood mannequin getting attacked by a pack of red Fraggles. Red lace, leather and feathers is where tacky and trashy meets. What I’m saying is that this the hottest dress that Blake NotSoLively has ever worn. The next time she gets dressed, she needs to stand in front of a mirror and ask herself, “Would RuPaul think this is too much?” If the answer is no, she needs to add more feathers and tons of fucking sequins until the answer is YES.
And here’s more of Blake at that Adaline premiere with her hot piece of a co-star Michiel Huisman.