Archives: April 2015

Goodnight, Sweet Princess

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Tinkerbell Hilton, the most likeable member of the Hilton family, has sprouted angels wings and has floated off to the wonderland up above where closets don’t exist and she doesn’t have to go to Kitson four times a day while wearing a Strawberry Shortcake dress. Paris Hilton sadly announced on Instagram today that the iconic matriarch of her band of purse dogs died of natural causes at the age of 14, which is 72 in dog years.

riptinkerbell

Tinkerbell Hilton was born on Halloween in Athens, Greece and Paris bought her from a breeder when she was a puppy. She was the true star of The Simple Life and probably the inspiration for Beverly Hills Chihuahua. And yes, she has an IDMB page. I can’t even imagine the things that Tinkerbell saw in her 14 years. If only dogs could write memoirs. She would’ve given us the tell-all of tell-alls.

My own chihuahua is taking his 53rd nap of the day, but if I’m able to catch him between naps, I’m going to make sure he pours one out for his own.

Rest in peace, Tinkerbell.

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Open Post: Hosted By Rachel, Monica And Monica’s Chichis

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

And Monica’s immaculate grasshopper leg eyebrow situation.

Believe it or not, but I haven’t been keeping abreast (insert PriceIsRightLosingHorn here) of the state of Courteney Cox’s titty balls, so when I scrolled through these pictures of her last night, my eyeballs stretched at the sight her magnificent chichis. Courteney’s tits made an appearance at an L.A. screening for Just Before I Go, which she directed. For a while there, Courteney filled her mug with so many fillers that she looked like the spawn of Howard the Duck and Pete Burns and now that her face has settled she doesn’t look like that anymore. So what I’m saying is that this is the worst that Courteney Cox has ever looked, because who wouldn’t want to look like the spawn of Howard the Duck and Pete Burns?

Jennifer Aniston was also there last night to support Courteney’s ass. Jennifer has been hanging around her man’s best friend 4ever Terry Richardson for way too long. She’s wearing glasses that sort of look like Uncle Terry’s glasses and she’s doing his signature thumbs up pose. I hope her impersonation stopped there and she didn’t spend the rest of the night finger banging herself over people’s faces.

Pics: Getty, Splash

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John Travolta Wants The Scientology Haters To Read A Book (Specifically, A Book Titled Dianetics)

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Tom Cruise gets all the credit for being the reigning Empress of Scientology and I know he’s allegedly David Miscavige’s sugar daddy, but that trick really has nothing on John Travolta. If there is such thing as the Empress of Scientology pageant, then this year’s crown (which probably looks like this) needs to sit on top of John Travolta’s luxurious beaver tail wig. Because while Tommy Girl is keeping his mouth lips shut about Going Clear, the wigged one has put on his fightin’ wig and is defending Scientology like he has to or they’ll expose his secrets. Oh, wait…

John has already said that if Going Clear came on the TV at Planet Fitness at 3am, he’d close his eyes, plug his ears and sing, “Lalalalala I’m not listening lalalalala.” John is not going to watch that fairy tale Going Clear and during an interview with Good Morning America to promote his new movie The Forger, he continued to let it be known that Scientology is better than two-steppin’ with Olivia Newton-John. As GMA’s Amy Robach asked questions about Going Clear, David Miscavige probably telepathically sent John images of him holding an unlit match and a gas holder in John’s wig room. So John stayed on script.

On why there’s so much interest in Scientology: Mostly because it’s not understood. People really need to take the time to read a book. You know, that’s my advice. Uh, you can read New Slant on Life. You can read Dianetics. I think if you really read it, you’ll understand it. But unless you do, you’ll speculate. I think that’s a mistake to do that.

On why Scientology has so many hating haters: Sometimes when something really works well, it becomes a target. 40 years for me, I’ve been part of it. I’ve loved every minute of it. And my family has done so well with it. It’s a beautiful thing for me. I’ve saved lives with it. I’ve saved my own life several times. Through my loss of my son, it helped me every step of the way for 2 years solid. Here I am, talking to you because of it.

If by “really works well,” he means really works well at pushing him so far into the closet that he’s part of the drywall, then he’s totally right. But really, he’s also right about gaining an understanding of Scientology if you read Dianetics. I haven’t read the whole thing, but I read a couple of chapters at Barnes & Noble once and it helped me understand how batshit crazy that shit is. It’s like a sci-fi world salad. But I see John Travolta trying to recruit new members by telling people to read Diarrhetic (typo and it stays). I’m surprised he also didn’t say, “And when you order Dianetics from the Scientology online store, make sure you enter the code ‘LRONSHOMEGIRL’ so I get credit.

Pics: Splash

This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again, Ten Million Times Over

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

According to Wikipedia, China is currently the King of Population, but if they want to hold onto their crown, they better lift that one-child law and get to bareback boning, because the Duggars are coming for their title hard.

Just two weeks after Jill Duggar spent 70 hours giving birth to Duggar #345,598,999, another one of the Duggar girls is contributing to the Duggar’s plan to overtake the world. I get all the Duggar kids confused, so when I read the headline, “Jessa (Duggar) Seewald Is Pregnant” at People, I thought the one who just popped out a baby was knocked up with another one and I shrugged, because those Duggars do not waste any time. There’s always a “no vacancy” sign hanging on their uteruses.

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A Pennsylvania Judge Has Ruled That Sherri Shepherd Is The Mother Of Lamar Sally’s Surrogate Baby

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Shortly after it was announced that Sherri Shepherd was calling it quits with her questionably-employed husband of three years Lamar Sally, he ran to the press to tell them that she was also trying to wash her hands of an unborn surrogate baby. Sherri’s story was that the baby – which was made when Sherri and Lamar were still together – was only made so that sneaky gold-digging trick Lamar could get his hands on a stack of child support cash every month, and she was doing everything possible to scoot away from that mess.

Unfortunately for Sherri, it looks like Lamar’s maybe-shady plan worked, because TMZ says a Pennsylvania judge ruled earlier today that she is legally the mother of their surrogate baby, Lamar Sally Jr., who was born in Pennsylvania last August. Naturally, Lamar Sr. is thrilled with the judge’s decision, and thinks Sherri now owes him a public apology:

“I want her to go on television and apologize the same way that she went on there and accused me of being a gold digger and tricking her into having a baby.”

Go on television? He knows she’s not on TV anymore, right? Speaking of gold digging, Lamar is still going to have to wait a bit to see how much cash he’ll get from his ex-wife for his flawless money-making plan…I mean, baby. TMZ says all the child support stuff will be worked out in a court in Los Angeles at a later date.

The only thing that could have made this situation any better would be if the paternity results had been read out on Maury so we could see Lamar’s “You ARE the mother!” end-zone dance. No, really – it’s literally the only thing that could have made it better, because everything about this situation is the absolute worst.

Acting Like A Diva Might Get Patrick Dempsey Fired From Grey’s Anatomy

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Cue everyone thinking “Wait, that shit is still on?” before checking what year it is to make sure they haven’t fallen through a wormhole to 2005. But yes, Grey’s Anatomy is still a thing that exists, and Page Six says that Shonda Rhimes is getting very close to giving McDreamy the Dr. Izzy Stevens treatment, aka firing his ass for acting like a difficult diva bitch. A “source” says Patrick Dempsey isn’t getting along with Shonda, which can only mean one thing. Better start lining up the ZzzQuil commercials, buddy:

“Patrick has been acting like a diva and has clashed with Shonda. She suspended him for a while, and the word on set is that he isn’t coming back full time. Given all the past problems with Katherine Heigl and Isaiah Washington, there is little tolerance on the show for troublesome talent.”

Patrick signed a two-year contract back in 2014, so who knows what will happen with that.

I haven’t watched Grey’s Anatomy in years, but the internet tells me that Patrick’s character has recently taken a job in Washington D.C., which sounds a lot like the time the writers of Itchy & Scratchy conveniently decided it was time for Poochie to “return” to his home planet. And because Shonda Rhimes truly doesn’t play, she hinted to EW back in January that Washington might be McDreamy’s home planet by saying: “It’s highly possible that we might not see Derek for a while.

Patrick Dempsey’s wife of 15 years filed for divorce back in January and they didn’t have a prenup, so right now isn’t a great time to be getting fired from a good-paying job for acting like a twat. You need the money, Patrick! Those Can’t Buy Me Love residual checks aren’t going to cover everything.

Here’s McDiva looking like the missing Butabi brother at a screening of Winning: The Racing Life of Paul Newman last week:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

These Two Messes Are Right On Cue

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Everyone can stop searching the silver bracelet section of every Santa Fe gift shop and stop peeking through the scarf rack at Loehmann’s with a flashlight, because Johnny Depp has turned up!

Just a quick minute after the press in Australia declared Johnny Depp missing and Page Six said that his marriage to Amber Heard was in a freezer at the morgue, he and his wedded piece turned up the smiles during a happy couple photo-op show for the paps in Brisbane today. Johnny is back in Australia to finish shooting Pirates of the Caribbean VVVIIII: A Check Is A Check, Arrr after he took some time out to let his jacked-up hand heal. Sources said that Johnny was supposed to be back in Australia last Thursday, but he didn’t show up and although the crew members didn’t miss his hair lard splattering against their faces when it got windy, they were pissed at him for holding up production. But he’s baaaaaaaack!

As Johnny thought to himself “For where am I?” Amber acted like she was Anita Ekberg in La Dolce Goddamn Vita by giving it to the paps after they got off a private jet. I don’t know why, but these pictures gave me shades of “Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall at Christmastimes.” But seriously, the haters can slather a thick layer of Johnny Depp’s pit foam on their hate and eat it. Because they are together and happier than ever. Can’t you tell? Johnny Depp is alive and well…he’s alive, and their marriage is alive and well!

And I’m sure right after these two strolled into the airport, Amber let go of his arm and got into a trunk which her assistant pushed past the paps and onto that private jet headed back to the US.

Pics: INFPhoto.com

The Deaner Has Some Marriage Advice For Bobby Flay

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Ah, the greasy beady-eyed sex possum fuckstare of The Deaner – how I’ve missed thee! Its been far too long. “Too long? That’s what she said! Just kidding, nobody’s ever said it’s too long. Well, maybe the time The Deaner chugged an expired Bubba and it took me 4 hours to nut.

Leprechaun-looking TV chef Bobby Flay is currently in the middle of some divorce drama, the latest being that his marriage to Stephanie March might have died because he was getting his 28-year-old assistant to prep his chorizo. Since getting caught cheating is a skill that is practically at the top of The Deaner’s resume, he decided to reach out to his Food Network brother-in-sleaze and offer some relationship advice. Unfortunately, because being a straight-up dumbass is The Deaner’s second greatest skill, his advice is garbage. While promoting his cookbook The Gourmet Dad (Hooters special edition title: But You Can Call Me Daddy – Wink!), The Deaner told the New York Daily News:

“He needs to make some get out of jail meals for her. I would hope that they would be able to work things out because I was fortunate enough to be on that side of things working out.”

Considering he spent one of his most recent meals with his wife pulling her melted Barbie doll body off a Benihana hibachi, The Deaner is the last person who should be giving advice on how to woo your woman with food.

But I’d really love to know what kind of shit he was cooking for Tori Spelling in order to ‘get out of jail‘. Oh, what do you know? I happen to have his email to Bobby Flay right here!

What’s crappenin’ dawg? I got a relationship-saving recipe for you. Sometimes your wife catches you basting another ham, and the best way to apologize is with a pot of homemade chili. Cutting up onions will make it look like you’ve been crying, while your farts mask the scent of strange on your dick. Relationship saved! Can I have a job now?

The Full House Revival Is Really Happening And The Summary For It Sounds…..Err..

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

When the Internet said that Netflix was making plans  to bring back the 90s ALL THE WAY by ordering a spin-off of Full House called Fuller House, everyone (read: me and only me, as usual) celebrated this news of the century by pulling out the vintage bottle of Orbitz they’ve been saving and toasted to the triumphant return of fashion and comedy icon Kimmy Gibbler. Netflix made it official yesterday. They announced that in 2016, they will push out 13 episodes of Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER!!!!!!! and other people none of us care about. But well, I’m not pulling out my vintage bottle of Zima just yet (Real talk note: I wish I had a kitchen cabinet full of fine vintage beverages from the 90s.), because Netflix dry farted up the summary of Fuller House and this shit will suck the scrunch out of your scrunchie.

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