Archives: April 2015

Ben Affleck Tried To Shush A PBS Show From Talking About His Family’s Shady Past

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Thanks to the final round of leaked Sony emails that hit the internet yesterday, we now know that one of the branches on Ben Affleck’s family tree contains slave owners. Something that, in a weird ironic twist, Ben Affleck tried desperately to hide during the filming of an episode of the PBS genealogy program Finding Your Roots. Wait – is that irony, or just shitty luck? Either way, Fred O’Bannion didn’t want anyone to know about his slave-owning relatives, and now we know. So whatever the word for that is, it’s that.

According to an email thread from July 2014 between Sony’s Michael Lynton and host Henry Louis Gates Jr., Ben Affleck had agreed to appear on Finding Your Roots, but he didn’t want them to find all his roots, so he asked producers to exclude the part about his family’s slave-owning ancestry. Unfortunately, Henry Louis Gates Jr. wasn’t so keen on the idea of hitting ctrl+alt+delete on his past, because in his words, “once we open the door to censorship, we lose control of the brand.” He also never refers to Ben Affleck by name, but by “Batman.” Somewhere in Gotham City, Bruce Wayne just started nervously scrolling through the Ancestry.com profile Alfred set up for him.

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Zachary Levi And His Wife Of 10 Months Are Calling It Quits On Their Marriage

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, so much for that old saying: The couple who Instagrams fake moustache selfies together stays together (that’s a saying, right?). TMZ says that after ten months of being married, Zachary Levi (aka Chuck from Chuck, Flynn from Tangled, John Krasinski’s off-brand drug store equivalent) and Missy Peregrym (aka Andy from Rookie Blue, or bobo Amy Jo Johnson as she’s known in my brain) are yanking off their wedding rings, slipping them into a pre-paid Cash4Gold envelope, and throwing them in the nearest mailbox, because they are DONE with each other.

Zachary and Amy Jo Johnson Missy got secret married in Hawaii last June, but it sounds like their marriage was dead long before they officially called it quits. TMZ says Missy filed divorce papers last week and listed their date of separation as December 3, 2014, which means technically their marriage bit the dust after only six months. Of course, they pretty much cursed the whole thing back in June when they announced their future mistake by throwing this pic up on Instagram:

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In order of Hollywood relationship curses, it goes: tattoo, name change, matching personalized clothes, recording a duet, appearing on a VH1 reality show. So really, they should have known better with those MR & MRS hoodies. I bet if they check in the pocket, there’s a business card for a divorce lawyer inside.

Really though, ten months isn’t that bad for two famous types (Clippy just popped up on my screen with a speech bubble that said “Did you mean to write famous adjacent?” Thanks, Clippy). I think ten months might actually qualify them for a Hollywood Marriage Merit Badge.

Pics: Instagram

Sofia Vergara Wants To Keep Those Frozen Embryos She Made With Nick Loeb Frozen Forever

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Warning: my only knowledge of freezing human stuff comes from Austin Powers, so please prepare yourself by drinking an extra-large mug of Throat Coat tea. You’re going to need it when you bust your vocal cords from repeatedly shouting “OMG THAT’S NOT WHAT FREEZING IS, YOU MAPLE-DIPPED DUMBASS!

Earlier this week, we found out that Sofia Vergara’s ex-boyfriend Nick Loeb was suing her over a bunch of frozen embryos they made while they were still together. It was a pretty messy lawsuit; Nick still wanted to make a baby using their embryos and was alleging that Sofia wanted to dump them in the trash. It was all very Not Without My Embryocicles. Now Sofia is getting out her plastic fly swatter and swatting at Nick’s claims that she’s an embryo destroying monster, while also getting in a little subtle shade. Sofia’s lawyer (no, it’s not Mitchell Prittchett) tells People:

“The claims made against Sofia Vergara by Nick Loeb are uncredible and hold no merit. Vergara has never wanted to destroy her embryos. Vergara has never suggested that she wished to have the embryos destroyed. She has always maintained that they be kept frozen, a fact of which Loeb and his counsel have always been aware, despite Loeb’s statements to the contrary. Vergara, who has happily moved on with her life, is content to leave the embryos frozen indefinitely as she has no desire to have children with her ex, which should be understandable given the circumstances.”

Her lawyer goes on to say that no action can be taken in regards to the embryos unless both parties consent to it, which means they’re probably going to be on ice forever. Of course, there’s always a chance Sofia might change her mind and decide to make a baby with Nick, but something tells me Satan has a better chance of getting frostbite on the tip of his dick than that being something that happens.

If Nick really wants a baby that badly, I have a friend who is both desperate to get knocked up AND is morbidly obsessed with Onion Crunch. It’s a match made in heaven! Sure, she doesn’t have that sweet Modern Family cash, but with all the Onion Crunch she eats (she even eats Pickle Crunch, and nobody eats that gross shit), she’ll keep you rich for years!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

La Cuatro (as played by Gloria Benavides) from Sábado Gigante!

I didn’t leave my house yesterday, but I’m sure the streets were filled with weeping abuelitas and old tias who were wailing while wearing black lace veils over their heads as they mourned the death of the heart of Univision. Univision dropped forty five hundred gallons of pure sad yesterday when they announced that after 53 years of existing, they are killing the iconic three-hour variety show SAH-BAH-DOE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-GONE-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Its last episode will air on September 19th. Sábado Gigante made its debut on Chilean television in 1962 and after it took Latin America by hurricane (saying “by storm” feels like an understatement) it moved its production to Miami in 1986 and Univision started producing it. It has played every Saturday night for forever and tens of millions of people in 40 countries watch it. It set a Guinness World Record for the longest-running variety show in history. And soon it will be over.

The Los Angeles Times says that Don Francisco (born name: Mario Luis Kreutzberger Blumenfeld), who created the show and has hosted it since the beginning, made the decision in 2012 to end the show in 2015. His old ass is ready to retire and he wanted to go out when the show was still on top. He plans to still host specials and produce new shows for Univision. As millions of abuelitas prayed in front of their santo candles and wondered if there really is a GOD, Don Francisco released this statement about the death of a legendary show:

“I have no words to thank our viewers for the support, loyalty and enthusiasm with which they have honored us through the years and which have allowed the show to become an unprecedented success in the history of this medium.” ….”From the start we made sure to ask, ‘What does the audience want?!’ And we have worked tirelessly for precisely that audience, with the utmost dedication, humility and deep respect. I have no words to acknowledge all the recognition and applause that we have received over the years. When we began in the United States in 1986, we told them that we were ‘separated by distance and united by the same language.’ Today I can say with great pride and satisfaction that that distance turned into closeness and affection.”

I used to watch this show with my abuelita and I really didn’t know what they were saying, but every time she laughed, I laughed and every time she fell asleep and started snoring (which was usually about 30 minutes into that shit), I took my ass to the other room to watch something else. The character I remember loving the most, besides Dr. Cosabella, was La Cuatro! La Cuatro has hair like a Charo impersonator, a face that was cut from the same gorgeous cloth as Sally Struthers and she always wears the most glamorous of apron dresses, because she’s always ready to serve up some true entertainment. Her thing is to always interrupt Don Francisco during the show to deliver some much-needed TALENT. This is a newer clip, so I haven’t seen it, but it confirms to me that La Cuatro really needs her own headlining show in Vegas. Brit Brit, Mimi, Celine who?

RIP Sábado Gigante. I guess this means that Saturdays will also be no more because how can there be Saturday without Sábado Gigante. After September 19th, our weekends will be one day long and we’ll jump directly from Friday to Sunday. Blame Don Francisco. And long live La Cuatro!

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Birthday Sluts

April 18, 2015 / Posted by:

11

Conan O’Brien (52)
Moises Arias (21)
Britt Robertson (26)
Alia Shawkat (26)
Samantha Jade (28)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (28)
America Ferrera (31)
Kourtney Kardashian (36)
Bryce Johnson (38)
Melissa Joan Hart (39)
Edgar Wright (41)
Eli Roth (43)
David Tennant (44)
Maria Bello (48)
Eric McCormack (52)
Jeff Dunham (53)
Jane Leeves (54)
Eric Roberts (59)
Melody Thomas Scott (59)
Rick Moranis (62)
Dorothy Lyman (68)
James Woods (68)
Hayley Mills (69)

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Night Crumbs

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Matthew McConaughey’s beard has taken a life of its own and it looks like it’s eating his face. The Texas T-Rex (who kind of looks like this wooden Jesus statue my abuelita kept on top of her TV) needs to quickly shave it off before it eats his eyes! He can give me his beard shavings afterward, because you know you’d get a new kind of stoned if you smoked that shit - Lainey Gossip 

Dear Lassie dog in the background, tip that hillbilly chipmunk while you have the chance! Tip her! – Drunken Stepfather

Somebody really needs to start a charity for poor enslaved millionaire Shia LaDoucheCelebitchy

The plot for Kandi’s Ski Trip is very “The Shining” and Mama Joyce is the Jack Nicholson role, of course – Reality Tea 

So Just Jack and his husband did this… – Towleroad

I don’t know what people are talking about. I think Selena Gomez has looked great ever since she lost that 110 pounds of douche she was carrying around – The Superficial 

Olivia Wilde serving up some 60s Midwestern librarian chic – Popoholic

It’s Shirtless Friday again and this time there’s a special fluffy guest (No, I’m not talking about a pube bush. This time.) – The Berry 

Miley Cyrus took her Justin Bieber hair for a hike – Hollywood Tuna 

That hot bitch who was on Nashville and is on Game of Thrones now has an ass and this is what it looks like – OMG Blog

Tidal’s CEO took the next wave out of there – Jezebel

Today in “Sure, Jan, Josh Hartnett says he turned down Superman, Spider-Man and Batman – IDLYITW

In case you need to be reminded that Betty White’s still got it and has got it better than all of us – SOW

Columbia University will be getting an ALL-CAPS, curse-filled text of rage from Dr. Oz’s number one fan, my mom, as soon as she figures out how to text Columbia University – HuffPo

Are there Hobbits in Game of Thrones? – ICYDK

They say that Kylie Jenner is on the cover of Teen Vogue, but where? Because that’s not Kylie Jenner on the cover – Just Jared 

Borat and Isla Fisher named their kid “Montgomery Moses,” which sounds like an old-timey phrase that people would say instead of “Jesus Christ.” I’ll put it in a sentence: “Montgomery Moses, Ethel, the cows ran off again!” – Popsugar

Pic: Getty

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Things That Exist: A Japanese Game Show That Mixes Handjobs And Karaoke

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

You know how sometimes you’d go on a first date and you and the dude couldn’t find anywhere to bone, so you’d rent a private room at a karaoke place and give him a sloppy hand job while he sang out “Blister In The Sun”? Well, Japan has made a game show out of that, because Japan!

On the Japanese late-night adult channel game show Sing What Happens, dudes have to sing every note of a song they’ve memorized while a chick in a nurse costume tugs on his peen. The dude can’t miss a lyric and has to hit each note perfectly while Nurse Handjob tries to squeeze an orgasm out of him. If the dude busts one before the song is over, he loses. But if he makes it all the way and sings the song to perfection, he gets money and a bunch of other prizes. Dangerous Minds says that sometimes the nurse uses her feet. (That sound you hear is Quentin Tarantino furiously swimming to Japan right now.)

This makes me think of that other Japanese game show where straight dude porn stars tried not to cum while getting sucked off by a gay guy. (Surprisingly, the name of that show wasn’t A Mouth Is A Mouth or Just A Regular Night At The Scientology Bath House.) Japan truly knows what people want in a game show. We want handjobs and dick sucking. Take note, America! But you know, I bet Ryan Seacrest has taken note and at this very moment his assistant is searching for a nurse uniform in his size while he pitches the American version of Sing What Happens starring him to the networks.

The truth is, the guys in the long ass clip below are amateurs. I mean, Kanye West can rap while jacking himself off and fisting his butt at the same time. He does it every time he performs. Take that, Japan!

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Open Post: Hosted By Zayn Malik’s Shaved Dome

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Just a few weeks after thousands of dog ear drums burst and garage door openers exploded from the high-pitched sound of the Directioners wailing over the hot one leaving the group of hollering twinks in skinny jeans that is One Direction, the hot one made his solo red carpet debut (Yes, I punched myself for typing “solo red carpet debut“) with his mom at the 5th Asian Awards in London tonight. Zayn Malik took a page out of Justin Timberlake’s post-boy band playbook by shaving all of the twinks right out of his hair, because pomade-covered big hair equals boy band and a shaved head equals serious solo artist, or something. Zayn’s shaved head is giving me three things:

1. Shaved head Britney with a beard and wild Woolly Bear Caterpillar brows.

2. The title character in Hitman if Hitman was an after-school special on Nickelodeon.

3. The look that every stoner works the day after their job announces mandatory drug testing.

If you’re in the London area and see a bunch of deranged chicks checking the dumpsters around every barber shop, don’t worry. They’re just looking for Zayn’s shaved-off locks. They want to make a crotch wig or mold a hairy dildo out of his locks. That’s all!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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The Queen Of The Front Row Made An Appearance Last Night

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Sorry, but I’m not referring to Anna Wintour or that roided-up right arm of hers (seriously, she looks like she was cobbled together using the spare parts from a He-Man doll, and I am concerned). I’m talking about Harper Seven Beckham, who dragged her family to something called the Burberry ‘London in Los Angeles’ event last night. I know Harper is barely able to count to 20, but she’s already more sophistimacated than I’ll ever be. People says that during the show, an “insider” tells them Harper used her platform as the unofficial queen of the front row (sorry, Kanye) to school all those déclassé tricks on how to pick your nose like a lady:

“David doted on her the entire time, stroking her hair and chatting back and forth as she pointed things out on the runway. She would even clap along when everyone else did. At one point, she (I assume) told him she needed to pick her nose because he held up his hand to cover her face while she did so, then laughed after she was done and was wiping her nose.”

And here I am blowing mine, farmer-style, into a used McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper. Harper Seven should really consider pestering her mommy to invest some of her Spice World residual checks in a finishing school, because some of us could greatly benefit from her mentorship.

Sadly, there are no pictures of Harper and her family arriving at that Burberry event last night, but here’s everyone else. I want to say it was some kind of fancy British fashion event, but that would be a lie, because the fanciest British person I’m aware of, Hyacinth Bucket, was not in attendance. Instead, we have Naomi Campbell, Cara Della Reese, Ryan Seacrest, and a very pregnant Jaime “Not That Ja’mie King” King.

Pics: Instagram, Splash, Wenn.com

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