Archives: March 2015
Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Claim The View Wanted To Take Her Back
Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg, seen above looking like an auto show girl-turned-aspiring pop singer and her manager/boyfriend/Hard Rock Cafe enthuriast, recently made an appearance on Howard Stern’s SiriuXM radio show, and of course they started talking about Jenny’s old job at The View. Since the most contagious virus you can catch from having unprotected sex with Jenny McCarthy is bullshititis, Donnie burped up some “Sure, Jan” story about how shortly after Rosie O’Donnell filed her walking papers, The View called up his wife and begged her to come back.
“She’s very gracious about The View, and I will say, I told her the day that she left, I said, ‘They’re gonna ask you back within six months.’ And she won’t say it, but they did. Not officially, but they did.”
That’s when Jenny elaborated on Donnie’s story by adding:
“One of the producers called and said, would I ever consider it? And I said, ‘No, thank you’ because I couldn’t be me! You know — you called it from the start. I couldn’t be myself.”
Remember from 3 seconds ago that thing Donnie said about Jenny being very gracious about The View? I guess Donnie’s definition of gracious includes the words “acting like a shady bitch“, because when asked about the future of The View, Jenny ripped the following stinky poo whisper in their direction:
“They might try one more year and then I think the Titanic might go down.”
I guess that would make Jenny one of the rats who jumped off the ship? No! That doesn’t make any sense – the rats chose to jump, whereas Jenny McCarthy was pretty much pushed. It’s also highly offensive to rats. I’m sorry Remy!
A Strange Thing Happened Yesterday…
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
People Have Discovered Some Of Trevor Noah’s Old Tweets And They’re Not Happy (UPDATE)
Because we live in a time where every cringeworthy moment of our lives will live on forever thanks to the internet (example: that SANS FARDS picture of Katy Perry, a video of myself deep-throating a Choco Taco that won’t disappear no matter how hard I pray), it was only a matter of time before someone found something dirty on the new host of The Daily Show Trevor Noah. The New York Times says that shortly after he was named Jon Stewart’s successor yesterday, people who had no idea who Trevor Noah was decided to get a better idea of the new Daily Show host by reading some of his stuff on Twitter. Unfortunately, some of his tweets were not met with LOLs, and now people are pissed.
Most of them are from when he first started tweeting back in 2009, so of course they’re as regrettable as you can expect from a not-yet-famous person would be:
Zayn Malik Has Already Released His First Solo Song
Only a few days ago, pompadours were lowered to half-staff when sad-eyed woeful twink angel Zayn Malik quit the group of crooning come-to-life Precious Moments figurines known as One Direction. Zayn apparently checked out of 1D, because he was sick of fame, and I guess what he meant by that is he was sick of sharing fame with those four twinks and wanted that spotlight all to himself! Zayn IS ready for his solo close-up, Mr. DeMille.
A quick second after Zayn left 1D (Important side note: My little cousin pronounces 1D as “Wendy“) to be “a normal 22-year-old,” he was spotted at a recording studio with some producer named Naughty Boy (which sounds like Tommy Girl’s Grindr name). I figured that Zayn was just recording a haunting goodbye lullaby to his fans before retiring to a desolate farm in Greenland to make volume gel out of goat milk and his sad tears. But nope, Zayn was working on a solo song. ESCANDALO (not at all)!
Last night, Louis Tomlinson of 1D (the Hugga Bunch doll with luscious merengue hair on the left) slapped at Naughty Boy on Twatter by tweeting: “Wow @NaughtyBoyMusic you’re so inconsiderate pal , seriously how fucking old are you ? Grow up ! #masterofallwisdom.” Naughty Boy slapped back a few times and it became the hardest and baddest music fight since the East Coast vs. West Coast battle. Naughty Boy eventually burped up a demo of the song he worked on with Zayn called “I Won’t Mind.”
Okay, so I get that Zayn was lying when he said that he just wants to be a normal person and what he really wants is to be the Justin Timberlake of One Direction. I get it. But this is his big “coming out as a single bitch” song?! It sounds like a song you’d hearing during a montage at the end of an episode of a show on The CW. I think I said “Bitch, say what?” at least four times during that song, because I had no idea what he was singing. It sounds like he’s singing while he’s got a peen in his mouth after getting a root canal. It sounds like he just graduated from Iggy Azalea’s School of Enunciation.
He should’ve learned from Ginger Spice and showed up with a real masterpiece that lets hos know to look at him and ignore those other 4 he was in a group with.
10 Words I Never Thought I’d Say: Martha Stewart Killed It At Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central Roast
Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Scientology’s hilarious “We Stand Tall” music video.
Because I was busy scooting my sloppy ass across the East Coast this weekend, I didn’t get to see HBO’s crazy and creepy Scientology documentary Going Clear until last night. What’s crazy to me is that a multi-million dollar cult was born from some sci-fi pulp fiction books. I mean, if a multi-million dollar cult was born from Jackie Collins’ Lucky Santangelo series, that would make sense to me, because those books are actually hot. Shit, I’d probably be in that cult. I’d probably be the Spanky Taylor of Santangelology. What’s also crazy to me is that Radio Shack declared bankruptcy. Scientology probably spends millions upon millions on buying wires to make their stupid E-Meter cans with and to tap people’s phones, so you’d think that as long as they lived, Radio Shack would live.
A piece of Going Clear was spent on Scientology trying to get out of paying taxes and their long, shady fight with the IRS. In the late 70s, the FBI seized tons of documents from Scientology and the IRS later determined that the Cult of L. Ro owed $1 billion in taxes and they refused to give them church status. Scientology fought back by ordering thousands of their members to sue the IRS for not giving them church status. Thanks to their grifting and bullying ways, the IRS agreed to wave away the billion dollar bill and agreed to give them church status if their members dropped the lawsuits. I’m surprised Scientology hasn’t opened up an accounting firm where they terrorize the IRS until the IRS agrees to wave their clients’ tax bill. Everyone would go to them! H&R Block, who?
To celebrate making the IRS their bottom bitch, Scientology shat up a music video in 1990 that was like a “We Are The World” from the deep depths of Hell. The video shows some of the high-ranking bridge queens singing some shitty song in between shots of their brainwashed members smiling. Hmmmm, I wonder why they didn’t include footage of some their members getting beaten while doing hard labor?
Come for the bizarre creepiness, stay for the 90s fashions:
I bet Tommy Girl hums that song every time he slips on his favorite pair of big boy heels. Fun Fact: When that midget overlord David Miscavige stands tall, he’s about as tall as you when you slouch while on your knees.