Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
Jay-Z invested $56 million into the Norwegian company that created Tidal. Tidal will have 25 million songs and 75,000 music videos. Spotify has a free option, but Tidal doesn’t. Tidal will cost $9.99 a month for standard quality (aka warped cassette quality) and $19.99 for hifi sound quality. Spotify’s premium service is $10. Jay-Z said before that artists will definitely make more cash from Tidal than they did with Spotify. Taylor Swift, who pulled her music from Spotify, wasn’t apart of that Tidal mess yesterday.
Alicia Keys did most of the talking at the press conference and she even quoted Nietzsche. It was that ridiculous. Jay-Z thinks that Tidal is revolutionary and is going to change the course of history. Jay-Z and company think that Tidal is revolutionary, because they think they’re all gods and when they gather together they’re bigger than the Avengers or some shit. I’m surprised all governments didn’t declare it an international holiday and make all of us peasants stay home to watch the press conference since it was the most important moment in the history of entertainment since Stacey Q was on a very special episode of Full House (now that was a real important moment in history).
Here’s the entire press conference if you want to see it in all its awkward glory:
After Alicia’s weird speech, they all took off their clothes and jacked each other off while thinking about all the greatness on one stage. Then they signed some piece of paper (Beyonce’s signature looks like this, by the way) and of course, Madge did this while signing it:
That picture sums it all up. I’m actually surprised Madge didn’t go full attention whore by signing that paper with her vadge lips. She’s slipping.