I don’t know why I kept thinking the iHeartRadio Music Awards were the pearl-clutcher’s wholesome family-friendly alternative to the MTV Video Music Awards, but Rihanna’s performace of “Bitch Better Have My Money” last night and, to a lesser extent, Jamie Foxx’s crack about Bruce Jenner’s balls, confirmed that they definitely are not.
I like my RiRi’s performances extra raunchy (see: her pussy-tapping performance of “Birthday Cake” on SNL), so this left me a bit disappointed. But that doesn’t mean I hated it. I mean, bitch stepped out of a chopper looking like Oscar the Grouch’s slutty little sister. This is the iHeartRadio performance that Cookie Lyon would have given if Cookie Lyon was a real person. Not to mention that all that bright-green fur was giving me shades of old school Lil’ Kim (I’m not the only one); all that was missing was a bright green wig or one of RiRi’s titty tips covered in a sequined stick-on pasty.
And maybe it’s the hand full of buttered popcorn jelly beans I ate for breakfast, but she also sort of looks like the Scrappy-Doo to Lineysha Sparx’s Snatch Game version of Celia Cruz. Absolutely no shade, because that’s a look I can always get behind.
Here’s more of RiRi working that Sesame Streetwalker realness (“Sesame Streetwalkers was brought to you today by the letters S, T, and D, and the number 2 – as in always count your money twice“) after the show.