Sam Taylor-Johnson Won’t Be Returning For “Fifty Shades: Even More Missed Opportunities To Show Penis”

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Sam Taylor-Johnson obviously decided that, despite the huge box office take, dignity is dignity. The Fifty Shades of Grey director has opted out of directing the next two installments of the the BDSM for Boring People franchise.

Here’s the statement with which her extremely skilled PR minion came up. Because you know Mrs. Taylor-Johnson’s own attempt read: “HAHAHAHAHA…you thought I was going to suffer that E.L. James heifer again….HAHAHAHAHAHAH, um, no.”

“Directing Fifty Shades Of Grey has been an intense and incredible journey for which I am hugely grateful. I have Universal to thank for that. I forged close and lasting relationships with the cast, producers and crew and most especially, with Dakota and Jamie. While I will not be returning to direct the sequels, I wish nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three.”

(via Deadline)

By “intense” and “incredible journey” she meant “having to deal with that no-talent writer and two boring yet somehow still very difficult actors who despised each other.” “I have Universal to thank for that” means” those studio dicks who wouldn’t let me out of my contract after I first met the asshole who wrote this shit and still didn’t give me points on the box office, greedy fucks.” “Most especially, with Dakota and Jamie” means “one wouldn’t show his cock when I asked him to even though he wasn’t exactly hired for his thespian skills, and the other hated him and kept bringing Melanie Griffith’s stretched face to the set to coach her daughter’s acting. It showed.” And finally, “exciting challenges” basically means “this absolute shitshow chock-full of self-involved fucks with delusions of talent. In closing, E.L. James can eat my box. Laters!”

No word yet on who will be succeed Sam Taylor-Johnson. It’s not like they were going to be able to afford to give her a salary. I’m sure Scorcese, Fincher, and Spielberg are in a frenzy as they ring up their agents.

Honestly, I’d quit that bitch, too. E.L. reportedly has the air of a terrible hack who won the lottery but fancies herself Toni Morrison. Who can blame Sam for running screaming back to Kick-Ass and his fine ass (fine as long as he doesn’t attempt an Eastern-European accent.)

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