So remember back to yesterday when Eva Mendes became public enemy No.1 with the national sweatpant lobby (aka Big Sweatpant) when during an interview with Extra she admitted that she’d never ever wear sweatpants around her hunky Canadian baby daddy Ryan Gosling and that sweatpants are the number one reason for divorce in America? Well, her hunky Canadian baby daddy would like you to know she was just joking. Ryan took to Twitter last night to tell sweatpants to stop waiting in the parking lot for that shit-talking bitch Eva and go home, because there will be no fight:
And a few hours later, Eva Instagrammed a picture of a pair of her sweatpants and added: “Dear favorite pair of sweatpants. I was just kidding when I said you’re the #1 cause of divorce. Everyone knows that orange crocs are the #1 cause of divorce.”
But now I’m confused. Why would Eva Mendes go after sweatpants like that? What did sweatpants ever do to her? If I may once again reference my extensive knowledge of Cheaters, maybe Eva thinks Ryan is getting a little too close to those sweatpants and she’s afraid they’re going to steal her man. I can totally see it now: Eva hiding out in the Cheaters van with Joey Greco waiting to ambush Ryan and those homewrecking hussy sweatpants outside a stripmall nail salon. “That dog! He left the house in khakis!”
Even without Ryan and Eva’s clarifications, I think we all knew there was no truth to what Eva said. How could a piece of clothing that facilitates easy fucking ever cause two people to split up? If anything, quickly yanking down a pair of sweatpants brings people together.