TV writer Adi Adler wrote an advice book called How To Fuck A Woman and surprisingly the entire book doesn’t read like this:
How To Fuck A Woman:
Be John Stamos.
It doesn’t say that anywhere in the book, but John Stamos, the sitcom sex god of the 80s and 90s and yogurt pusher, does serve up some advice, because being John Stamos has allowed him to fuck a lot of women. According to Page Six, John writes in the book that to him, a woman’s body is like a piano or accordion or some shit. When she makes the right sound, he knows he’s hitting the right keys. When she makes the wrong sound, he knows it’s obviously a problem with her since he’s the Chopin of fucking and never makes a wrong note:
“It’s about listening, asking, talking . . . I guess I do approach sex in a musical way. With me, it’s more rhythm than melody with a woman . . . but it’s all listening . . . With women, you have to listen to their bodies.”
The good thing about John Stamos listening to your body is that if your stomach is grumbling, he can soothe it with the Oikios yogurt he shoots out of his peen. Yes, he cums the stuff.
John also writes about how some of his fuck partners have asked for a little souvenir to remind them of the greatest moment of their lives.
“A couple of women have wanted ‘selfies’ afterwards. One girl really wanted my shirt, like a souvenir.”
You’d think John’s pieces wouldn’t need a souvenir, because they’d shellack their chocha and never let anything touch it again. But John Stamos is being really modest. Only a couple of women have asked him for selfies? Please, more like ALL OF THEM have asked him for a selfie. In the suggestion box next to his bed, the #1 request is probably for a roller coaster camera above his bed. Right when they’re about to bust out the big O, the camera will take their picture. Right before they’re about to do the walk of pride the next morning, they’ll stop in front of a screen next to John’s bedroom door to see the picture. They’ll have the option to get the picture on a mug, poster, t-shirt and/or mouse pad. Every one of his pieces will buy all the options, of course.
And if a piece has asked John Stamos for a selfie while he’s awake, imagine what she’s done while he’s asleep? There’s probably a few crazy messes out there wearing a barrette made out of John Stamos’ pubes.