Well, This Is Certainly An Image My Eyes Didn’t Need To See

“Oh, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy! Go into Granny’s purse and grab yourself a piece of candy. I hope you like sugar-free peppermints!” Although this is technically Madonna we’re talking about, so it was probably more like “How old are you? 21? Cool. Go into my phone and leave your contact info, k? And tell the other boy holding my phone that he’s been replaced.”

Madonna made an appearance on Ellen today to promote her latest album, and for some reason Justin Bieber was there too, because I guess Ellen DeGeneres is his after-school baby sitter now. Justin is still trying to show everyone he’s a good little boy, so instead of kicking his feet against his chair and groaning “THIS IS BOOOORING” while the adults talked, they kept him busy by playing a game of Never Have I Ever and talking about whether or not Madonna would date him. Warning: if you have a vivid imagination, the video below might cause your brain to start creating some truly not-right mental images.

Then after the show was over, she added 8 layers of NO to the situation by Instagramming a picture of Justin planting a pablum-scented kiss on her cheek backstage. Ew. I don’t know what’s grossing me out more; the thought of Justin Bieber pressing his lips into one of those cheek implants or the throbbing fame whore boner Madonna got after she realized how much social media attention she’d get from posting a picture of Justin Bieber mouth-humping her face.

But to be honest, if anything is going to fix Justin Bieber’s spoiled brat ways, it would be sending him to the real-life reform school that is dating Madonna. Madonna takes zero bullshit. I’d give him 2 weeks of not speaking till he’s spoken to and sitting back in coach with the capes before he finally breaks.