Dear Common Women Of The World, Goopy Paltrow Is You

March 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Hey, you common woman there, Goopy Paltrow thinks you and her are the same. I guess that means that you’re currently lounging on a cashmere-covered, swan feather-filled daybed in a silk Gucci robe while a shaman exhales sage smoke into your twat (vagina steaming is OUT) as your assistant reads you this post in Castilian Spanish. It is much too early for your ears to be hit with the harshness of American English.

Goopy Paltrow talked to CNNMoney (via E!) about GOOP and once again tried to make her Internet emporium of pretentiousness sound like a regular, old site where the common woman can go to when she’s much too busy to find the perfect Dalai Lama-blessed black cultured pearl body chain in the $15,000 price range. Goopy, a common woman, is just trying to help her fellow common woman:

“What we try to do at Goop is curate and to edit. We know that a woman’s time is her most precious resource and we want to multitask, get a lot done, and what we want to do is provide the best solutions. I’m incredibly close to the common woman in that I’m a woman and I’m a mother and we all are in a physical body with beating hearts with compassion and love we are all seekers. We all want fulfillment, we all want to live our best lives. We want to be healthy and happy and squeeze the most we can out of life. I think that’s all women.

I see myself as an actor and a mother and as an entrepreneur. I don’t see myself as a guru at all. I’m not a guru because I’m the one asking the questions. I’m not purporting to know anything.”

I guess “common woman” is snobby rich lady talk for “basic bitch.

If you say the words “common woman” in a serious way, you’re not a “common woman.” You’re a common moron. But seriously, I believe Goopy when she says that she’s incredibly close to the common woman. I mean, the day of that interview, she probably let a common woman yodel a Hungarian chant up into her cooch hole after eating a mint.* You can’t get closer than that to a common woman.

* Yes, letting a shaman exhale sage smoke into your twat is already OUT.

Here’s the common woman being a common woman at an amfAR event in Hong Kong the other day.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

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