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March 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Fruit Pie The Magician!

In honor of Pi Day, let’s pay tribute to Fruit Pie the Magician who was the mascot of the SECOND greatest processed, mass-manufactured grocery store single-serving pie. (The greatest, of course, being former HSOTD, Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pie.) Fruit Pie the Magician made his debut as the face of Hostess fruit pies in 1973 and he was on every wrapper until they retired his ass in 2006. Cartoon artiste Don Duga created Fruit Pie the Magician and I guess he was supposed to be shaped like a fruit pie. But to me, he’s shaped like an uncircumcised pear-shaped peen. (But then again, everything is shaped like a peen to me.)

Hostess used Fruit Pie the Magician, who now that I look at him looks like something Demi Moore and Bruce Willis made together, for everything including print ads and commercials. Bitch was all class and elegance from his top hat to his cape (and yes, he works a cape better than Madonna, but that goes without typing). Fruit Pie the Magician is now retired and probably plays strip poker (even though he’s pretty much naked) with Joe Camel and Birdie the Early Bird every night in the Mascots Retirement Home.

One more reason to love Fruit Pie: He just didn’t have time for little kids who couldn’t make up their damn minds and tried to suck up his screen time.

I’ll think of Fruit Pie the Magician today as I celebrate Pi Day by taking a bath in Hostess fruit pie filling. Happy Pi Day!

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