The poor soul who does PR for Canada’s perpetually constipated-looking preteen hamster boy, Justin Bieber! Congratulations, whoever you are – you really outdid yourself this time. Justin Bieber’s I’m A Big Boy Now tour is still making stops in whatever town will have him, and this time he’s proving he’s a big boy now in Men’s Health magazine. Yes, you read that correctly. Not Boy’s Health or Douchey Spoiled Brat’s Health, but Men’s Health. Does anyone have a dictionary handy to double-check that the definition of the word men is still the same and that we didn’t wake up in some upside-down opposite world this morning?
Justin also brought with him his in-house de-infant Photoshop team to make him look extra buff in the body, and it looks like they worked out whatever kinks they had during his CK training pants campaign (crotch bulge shadows look off, face still looks like child), because I almost believe he no longer has the body of a malnourished baby squirrel. Justin also wants you to know that along with his buff new body, he also has thoughts.
On being one of those baby geniuses from the movie Baby Geniuses:
He can solve a Rubik’s Cube “in less than a minute”. How does he do it? “Mathematical algorithms,” he told us. So does that make him a genius or something? “I don’t think so,” he said. “Maybe”
On how he sometimes wishes he wasn’t Justin Bieber:
“I wish I had the Batman thing where people didn’t know I was Bruce Wayne. Like I had a costume or something”
On the grown up he likes the best:
“I think Ben Affleck’s super cool. I just think his vibe is cool”
On how he probably gets a boner for Vera de Milo:
Asked what he thinks the sexiest thing is a woman can wear, he told us “I really like jean shorts and like a tank top, or spandex”
On how he’s this generations Michael Jackson (if Michael Jackson was marginally-talented trash from Canada, of course):
Remember that part in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video when he tells his date that he’s “different” from other guys? Bieber totally understands what that’s like. “I’m a perfectionist, too,” Bieber told us, comparing himself to the late pop star. “I’ve always been different, and I haven’t been afraid to be different”
On how he’s always been a bad little boy:
Long before he was hounded by paparazzi, he was beating up bullies in the sixth grade. “I was a pitbull” he told us. “I was small but I could hold my own.”
On how he hurt his neck on a trampoline (uh huh, sure):
“I landed on a trampoline on my neck, doing a backflip, and my neck has been messed up ever since”
On his next crappy sticker book tattoo:
“I want ‘LL’ tatted right here [chest]. When you’re Low, Lift. Because we often want to keep our heads down. But we should life our heads.
When you’re low, lift. That actually sounds like good life advise. If you’re feeling low, lift a joint or a delicious glass of booze to your lips. Thanks JB.
And if that topless picture of Justin Bieber on the cover of Men’s Health didn’t immediately make you whip your head around to make sure Chris Hansen wasn’t waiting behind you with a chair and an offer to take a seat, here’s a photo shoot of the Tantrum Toddler looking like he’s in the middle of filming the Minipops version of the “Good Vibrations” music video: