Archives: March 2015

Night Crumbs

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Breaking Fame Whore News You Definitely Care About: Kim Kartrashian dyed the piss blond out of her hair. Or she just took that discount Elsa-with-a-bob wig off – Popsugar

Mr. and Mrs. Affleck go to Washington – Lainey Gossip

If you woke up today hoping to get a visual serving of Kristin Cavallari’s vaccine-free camel toe, your wish has come true! – Drunken Stepfather

More like Bruce Jenner probably high-fived Rob Kardashian and then slipped him a wad of cash while treating him to a lunch at Arby’s – Reality Tea

Jaime King isn’t full of tears anymore since she cried them all out over people making fun of Kim Kartrashian’s ugly MET Gala dress, but she is full of shit – Celebitchy

I’m surprised Rita Ora’s nipple knobs aren’t pierced. Her RiRi impersonation is slipping! – Egotastic!

Amber Rose as you’ve never seen her before and what I mean by that is Amber Rose as you usually see her – IDLYITW

Presenting RiRi’s new ratchet stripper anthem, and I can’t wait to see my cousins get down to this at family parties – Jezebel

Here’s the best thing to happen on the American Idol stage in years and yes, I’m even here for Pepa’s Party City Morticia Addams wig – Towleroad

And here’s the second best thing to happen on the American Idol stage in years – SOW

The world would be a better (read: peenier) place if these were real companies and logos – The Berry 

Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton is a master at parking – Hollywood Tuna

The “Girls as seen through the douche eyes of Michael Bay” parody is missing about 6500 more explosions and about 300 more gallons of silicone – OMG Blog

Like two glowing moons floating upon a sea of liquid emeralds – The Superficial 

Alyssa Milano turned the runner your grandma uses for funeral after-parties into a jumpsuit and it’s not doing good things to her – Popoholic

Scott Disick is hosting a party in Vegas on Friday night, because that’s a smart thing to do when you just got out of 21-day 7-day rehab – ICYDK

Cookie Lyon will host SNL, but sadly Hakeem and Tiana aren’t the musical guests – HuffPo

In the new Calvin Klein Jeans ads, Kendull Jenner looks like a sad, cold, emo suffering from cramps and the hard shits at the same time, so basically the ads are typical Calvin Klein - Just Jared

Pic: Splash

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Cate Blanchett Is Not Here For Your Stupid Damn Cat Questions

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though the resolution of that picture is lower than low and it looks like it was screen grabbed off a Sega Game Gear using a Nokia flip phone, you can still see Cate Blanchett’s impeccably flawless “Not Today” eye-shanking shining through. Poor pixel quality is never a match for a top-shelf bitchface!

During the never-ending promotional tour for that Cinderella movie, Cate Blanchett proved that there’s no bitch like an over-your-shit bitch when journalist Jonathan Hyla asked her a question about a cat. A CAT! That’s the face Cate Blanchett gives you when you ask her about cats. Coincidentally, that’s also the same face I make when I show up to a party and find out there’s no cheese.

Jonathan Hyla wanted to know if it was difficult to get the cat who played Lucifer to do what she wanted while he was on a leash. That’s when Cate returned her eyebrows to the upright position before hissing “That’s your question? That’s your fucking question?

Jonathan later posted a clip of the entire interview to prove that Cate was only pretend pissed at him, which is a serious no duh, since there would be nothing left of Jonathan but a pile of ashes and a clump of charred beard hair if she was serious. And even if she was kidding, I hope he remembers the look on Cate’s face so he can cross-reference it with the look his girlfriend’s cat gives him the next time he suggests putting it on a leash. “I see you’re giving me about a 6.3 on the Cate Scale of NO…maybe we’ll try again later.

Here’s Cate at the Australian premiere of Cinderella in a dress that’s giving me some Wet N’ Wild Barbie vibes (I don’t hate it) last week:

Pics: Splash

Downton Abbey’s Closing

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

I know a certain closet case former state rep who just did a for real death drop on his floor (which is an exact recreation of the one at Highclere Castle, natch) over this. All of those screaming and suicidal One Direction tweens can now welcome newly screaming and suicidal women and gays to their candlelight vigil. Downton Abbey is officially done with Season 6. I know, you cannot find the words to say how you feel.

Executive producer Gareth Neame released a statement about the Dowager Countess Maggie Smith, sexy silver fox the Earl of Grantham (don’t judge), and the rest of those uptight and extremely pale types closing the doors after the upcoming season. Can I have that Branson dude now that they don’t need him anymore? Rraow.

(via TV Line)

Millions of people around the world have followed the journey of the Crawley family and those who serve them for the last five years. Inevitably there comes a time when all shows should end and Downton is no exception. We wanted to close the doors of Downton Abbey when it felt right and natural for the storylines to come together and when the show was still being enjoyed so much by its fans. We can promise a final season full of all the usual drama and intrigue, but with the added excitement of discovering how and where they all end up…

I’ve only watched the show a couple of times. But I know of the Dowager Countess. She better end up annoyedly flapping her fan as the Queen’s new Official Thrower of Shade. That bitch is so shady. She’s like an awning mixed with an umbrella accompanied by a leafy tree. Love her. And I hope she takes out Elizabeth McGovern’s character’s sing-songy, annoying ass in the end. You were so good wearing clogs and comforting a young Timothy Hutton in Ordinary People, Elizabeth. What happened?

Open Post: Hosted By Collins, Dame Collins To You

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

International treasure and the most glamorous being who has ever lived, Joan Collins, is already considered the true Queen of England and anyone who tells you otherwise is a first-degree lie-telling piece of uneducated trash and they’re probably committing a major slanderous crime, so call the bobbies on their stupid asses.

THE QUEEN damn well knows that Joan Collins is the real diamond-encrusted heart of Britain (sorry Katie Price and Jodie Marsh) and she should give the crown to Joan, but she’s not going to do that because then she’d have to get a job. But THE QUEEN did do a right by making Joan a dame for her contributions to glamour, artistry and beauty.

The dame-ing of Joan Collins was announced last December, but the ceremony happened today at Buckingham Palace. While wearing what looked like a reworking of her iconic black and white court room look from Dynasty, Joan was made a dame by Prince Charles. I’m guessing THE QUEEN didn’t do the honors, because she’s secretly Team Krystal. Figures. Dame Joan was the epitome of modesty after the ceremony. via BBC News

“Not in a billion years did I think I would be made a dame,” said the 81-year-old after Thursday’s investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace, London.
“It wasn’t anything I ever aspired to. I just wanted to be jobbing actress.”

She was honoured for her charity work, including with the NSPCC and breast cancer research. She is also a patron of children’s hospice charity Shooting Star Chase, which nominated her for the honour.

Accompanied by her fifth husband, Percy Gibson, and her daughter, Tara Newley, Dame Joan said she was still working and had “a lot of irons in the fire”.

What she should’ve said is: “It only took a billion years for those dum dums to finally pay tribute to the glamorous greatness that is me!

And well now you know that if you ever meet Joan Collins in person you have to add “Dame” to her title of “Eternal Glamour Goddess of the Universe” when addressing her.

Pics: AP

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Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris At Horrifying “Matching Outfits” Stage Of Dating

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

 

Watch out, little girl. She’ll squee with you over lip gloss flavors but behind your back everyone’s a Katy Perry (aka “jealous rival”) . Nightmare dressed as a nightmare (I mean, look at that pic – bitch is evil) Taylor Swift has once again been sighted in the general vicinity of Diplo Lite aka Calvin Harris. Good on her. Dude is hot, right?

Screen Shot 2015-03-26 at 12.55.26 PM

They were spotted walking out of a Whole Foods in Nashville together on March 25.  I’m going to hazard a guess that this was Tay Tay’s idea. You know Swifty Longstocking was all “wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if we wore matching outfits for the paps?” Harris probably replied “oh, yeah, ha ha?” while thinking “she’s exactly how they describe her, what have I done, what do I do, she mates for life, help, help me, she will castrate me, who do I call, Jesus, Jesus are you there?!?”

Taylor probably spent the evening tee-heeing near the heirloom tomatoes over the dissolution of One Direction. Because Harry Styles is still on her shit list (written on Strawberry Shortcake stationary and hidden in her vintage Caboodles makeup organizer that Lena Dunham found her on EBay). Her convoluted but successful plan to tip off the paps about Zayn Malik’s cheating to break up the band worked perfectly. If she had a moustache, she’d be twirling it right now. “You don’t think I’m like, you know, mental cuz’ I want Harry Styles to watch every one of his dreams die in front of him, right, Calvin? Right? DO YOU?”

Harry Styles Might Also Be Saying ‘Bye, Bitch’ To One Direction

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

It looks like Zayn Malik might not be the only one leaving the teenage girl scream-powered money machine known as One Direction. E! says that elfin hipster heartthrob and one-time Taylor Swift photo-op contract co-signer Harry Styles is thinking about following Zayn out the door. A source claims that Harry doesn’t want to be a boy bander anymore, so he’s thinking of quitting and moving to Hollywood to become an actor. Excuse me while I take a moment to clean up all the vegetable juice (truth: it was leftover breakfast wine) that sprayed out of my nose from laughing too hard.

Harry also wants to leave to he can launch a solo career. The same source says that he’s already started writing shit with Meghan Trainor, Kodaline (???), and Internet Superstar Frankie Grande’s little sister Ariana. The source adds that Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.” Well, one thing is for sure – if he doesn’t invest his One Direction money properly, that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones where the chairs swing around.

So first Zayn leaves, now Harry is thinking about leaving? Can they even do One Direction as a trio? The answer of course is YES, and they should retool themselves to mimic my all-time favorite 3-piece boy band, b4-4 (anything to bring up b4-4, really).

Sam Taylor-Johnson Won’t Be Returning For “Fifty Shades: Even More Missed Opportunities To Show Penis”

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Sam Taylor-Johnson obviously decided that, despite the huge box office take, dignity is dignity. The Fifty Shades of Grey director has opted out of directing the next two installments of the the BDSM for Boring People franchise.

Here’s the statement with which her extremely skilled PR minion came up. Because you know Mrs. Taylor-Johnson’s own attempt read: “HAHAHAHAHA…you thought I was going to suffer that E.L. James heifer again….HAHAHAHAHAHAH, um, no.”

“Directing Fifty Shades Of Grey has been an intense and incredible journey for which I am hugely grateful. I have Universal to thank for that. I forged close and lasting relationships with the cast, producers and crew and most especially, with Dakota and Jamie. While I will not be returning to direct the sequels, I wish nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three.”

(via Deadline)

By “intense” and “incredible journey” she meant “having to deal with that no-talent writer and two boring yet somehow still very difficult actors who despised each other.” “I have Universal to thank for that” means” those studio dicks who wouldn’t let me out of my contract after I first met the asshole who wrote this shit and still didn’t give me points on the box office, greedy fucks.” “Most especially, with Dakota and Jamie” means “one wouldn’t show his cock when I asked him to even though he wasn’t exactly hired for his thespian skills, and the other hated him and kept bringing Melanie Griffith’s stretched face to the set to coach her daughter’s acting. It showed.” And finally, “exciting challenges” basically means “this absolute shitshow chock-full of self-involved fucks with delusions of talent. In closing, E.L. James can eat my box. Laters!”

No word yet on who will be succeed Sam Taylor-Johnson. It’s not like they were going to be able to afford to give her a salary. I’m sure Scorcese, Fincher, and Spielberg are in a frenzy as they ring up their agents.

Honestly, I’d quit that bitch, too. E.L. reportedly has the air of a terrible hack who won the lottery but fancies herself Toni Morrison. Who can blame Sam for running screaming back to Kick-Ass and his fine ass (fine as long as he doesn’t attempt an Eastern-European accent.)

Chelsea Handler Says Bill Cosby Tried To “Cosby” Her

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

You know, six months ago we’d all be like “Cosby her? What the hell does ‘Cosby her’ mean? Like, he tried to give her a JELL-O Pudding Pop?

Professional drunk aunt Chelsea Handler and RSILF (Ron Swanson I’d like to, well – you know) Nick Offerman were double-interviewed for Esquire’s Women & Men issue this month about sex and stuff, and at some point the conversation turned to Bill Cosby. Nick had made a joking reference to being “Cosbyed”, which – thanks to Hannibal Buress – we now know has nothing to do with frozen pudding, and that’s when Chelsea decided to tell a story about the time Bill Cosby allegedly tried to “Cosby” her.

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This Is What Sophie Hunter Wore When She Married Benedict Cumberbatch

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though the Valentine’s Day wedding of human-looking alien royalty Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked-up human girlfriend Sophie Hunter was the intergalactic high society event of the year, no pictures of the event were ever released, which means only the most important of extraterrestrial aristocracy got to see Benedict float down the aisle in his custom-made lizard suit. However, since Sophie is still a human person, she invited VOGUE along with her to one of her gown fittings so us regulars could see what she would look like on her wedding day.

Valentino, the tricks who made her dress, recently revealed a picture of Sophie shot by Annie Leibovitz modeling her wedding gown, and it’s pretty much what I expected Benedict Cumberbatch’s human bride would wear. It’s silver (the official color of martians and flying saucers), it has a swirly design (to mimic the sky above Benedict’s home planet), and it covers 95% of her body (to help protect her human skin from the toxic residue that will rub off on her when she hugs one of Benedict’s relatives).

But now I really want to know what Benedict wore! Did he try to appear human by wearing a boring old tuxedo, or did he bring that X-Files metal examination table unknown species glamour? I guess I’ll just have to wait for this month’s issue of VLORP (alien VOGUE) to arrive in the mail.

Speaking of, here’s Benedict Cumberbatch looking like a real human person while walking to work yesterday morning:

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Programming Note Brought To You Buy Jon Hamm In A Tux

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re in the NYC area this weekend and wonder why it smells skankier than usual, don’t worry too much. It’s just my tramp ass walking around. I’m going to NY today, because one of my new missions in life is to drop my ass in front of Fran Lebowitz’s apartment building while wearing extra tight butt-clenching shorty shorts. Because I’ll be busy doing that, J. Harvey (speaking of tramps) is going to cover for me. I’ll still be around and will throw up some posts daily. Things will go back to the usual on Tuesday. For now, I leave you with these pucker-inducing pictures of a fresh-out-of-rehab Jon Hamm giving you showman poses and limp jazz hands at the premiere of Mad Men’s final season in L.A. last night. Because of the way he’s posing, I totally picture The Hammaconda throwing a dazzling wink while wearing an extra, extra, extra large top hat.

Pics: Wenn.com

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