Archives: March 2015

The Trailer For 50 Cent’s New Flick Is Out (I Think Jake Gyllenhaal’s In It, Too?)

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I kid, because 50 Cent is sort of loathsome and I had to opt out of Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ about fifteen minutes. It was so bad. It was so bad that I axed it knowing there was some prison dick shots coming up. That’s bad. Anyway, the trailer for Jake Gyllenhaal’s boxer flick Southpaw has dropped. You can watch it below.

If you don’t want to actually sit through this film, just watch the trailer. It’s a microcosm of the actual film. It’s the damn CLift Notes. It seemingly just leaves out the very end (wins the fight, gets his daughter back I’m guessing?). Why does Hollywood assume that we’re all slack-jawed hammerheads who need everything spoon fed to us? Hey, I sort of understood Interstellar! I know things! I’m learned and patient enough not to need the movie explained to me I’ll go see the movie! And so are many others, I’m sure. Hollywood’s the worst.

Is Jake’s dialogue…dubbed… or something? Is that him actually speaking? If so, give that dude an Oscar now cuz’ wow, he really worked on the “from the streets” patter.

And I should probably mention “wow” at the boxing body, but it’s always distracting admiring a jacked guy when there’s blood pouring out of his gob.

Watch the Southpaw trailer (and check out some more screen shots from the trailer) below.


Open Post: Hosted By Ryan Reynolds As Deadpool

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Because nobody learned anything from that smegma nugget called The Green Lantern, Ryan Reynolds is shooting another superhero right now and today he tweeted out the “first look” of him working full Deadpool drag while lounging on a faux bearskin rug that has 100% more personality and charisma than Blake NotSoLively. This shit doesn’t come out until 2016.

Dude looks like a female contract killer who made her costume out of an old catsuit and an off-brand Spider-Man mask. I don’t know whether or not this is making the nerds get moist at the tip or is making their throat get moist from the vomit that’s coming up while looking at this abomination! But I do know that Ryan and the hos who came up with that picture are not right. I get that it’s a parody, but tricks shouldn’t even bother recreating such a panty cream-inducing  iconic pose:


Whenever you look at that picture too long, you start to get the feeling that you need to pull pubes out of your mouth. The hair just seeps through the screen. You don’t know where the bearskin run ends and Burt Reynolds’ begins. Deadpoo (typo and it stays) shouldn’t have even tried it. That said, I still would.


This Is The Last Time You’ll See Duchess Kate Before She Births Out Her Second Royal Baby

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I have no idea why, but I just pictured Duchess Kate saying “Bye y’all, bye y’all” like Tami Taylor. Maybe it’s the hair? Regardless, this is the last time you’ll see Duchess Kate do the royal smile n’ wave for a while, because she’s now officially on maternity leave. Duchess Kate made her last official royal appearance earlier today at the Stephen Lawrence Centre in South London with Prince William, and now she’s free to kick up her feet up on a corgi while she wait for the contractions to start. I wonder if her coats threw her a going away party?

With Kate stuck in the house cruising Craigslist for a housekeeper, I wonder if Prince William will sub-in an alternate for future appearances? The obvious choice would be Prince Harry, but even better would be if Prince William swapped himself out for Baby Prince George.

Then they should switch out the royal limousine for a Harley with a sidecar. And instead of playing whatever boring-ass song they play when Duchess Kate and Prince William show up, they blast “Raise A Little Hell” by Trooper. That’s the royal visit I want to see! I can just picture a hungover Harry screaming into a megaphone: “Ladies and gentlemen of whatever charity we’re making an appearance at, please welcome the Bad Boyz of Buckingham Palace!” before turning to his nephew and saying “Oi, George – pass me a sick bag, mate.

Here’s more of Duchess Kate on her last day of work for a while (I know, “work” should be in quotations):

Pics: Splash,

Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Kissed At A Kenny Chesney Show

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Sophia the First’s passive-aggressive older sister Taylor Swift (“I’m the first, sweetie.”) and that DJ guy Calvin Harris made out at a Kenny “Fraud” Chesney show in Nashville last night.  There was also some lap-sitting involved. I’ll hold your bag while you take a moment.

These snaps are from the Taylor Swift Updates Twatter. That lady in the lower left of the 2nd pic is mirroring my “what, who, eh?” expression exactly.

As I snarky-aggregated yesterday, Swifty and DJ Calvin have been photo-opping around Nashville, wearing matching outfits and celebrating Phase One of The Harry Styles Will Feel Tay Tay’s Wrath Project being complete.

TMZ reports that DJ Calvin had his arm around Taylor’s waist,  she was seated upon his lap for a spell, and “an eyewitness” (Hi, Taylor’s publicist using the voice-changer from Scream because TMZ knows your voice really well by now) spotted them kissing.

Here’s your bag back. Wait, let me hold it again while you guffaw at this November 2014 video from TMZ of DJ Calvin stating that Taylor Swift isn’t his type. Several times.  If Tay Tay wants you to wear matching outfits with her, TAY TAY GETS YOU TO WEAR MATCHING OUTFITS WITH HER.

Did formerly squinty Renee Zellweger let Tay Tay know that the closet cowboy was up for some future bearding work? This must have happened while Renee was cleaning out her cubby at the last Celebrity Squinters meeting.

Here’s a vid of Taylor dancing. And and one of her and Calvin going backstage or something. Did you want your bag back yet?

Check out more pics Taylor on stage with Chesney below.

Julia Roberts Thinks Nicole Kidman Is Acting Like A Snobby Bitch On The Set Of Their New Movie

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Well if this isn’t the definition of a bitch calling a bitch a bitch. Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman are currently shooting The Secret in Their Eyes together, and apparently Julia hates Nicole and thinks she’s a rude stuck-up twat. According to the National Enquirer, an on-set source claims that Julia has nicknamed Nicole “Her Majesty” because she’s a demanding bitch who treats the crew like peasants and doesn’t speak to anyone:

“Julia HATES the way Nicole treats the crew! She acts like they’re servants, and doesn’t talk to them – except to issue commands – while Julia now knows everyone by first names, and makes a point of being friendly.”

The source went on to say that Nicole became public enemy #1 to Julia the day she found out that Her Majesty had refused to sign a birthday card that was being passed around. Not signing a birthday card? I’m pretty sure that’s how you secure yourself a first-class seat to Hell. So Julia decided to fight cuntiness with cuntiness by ordering a huge birthday cake and having it delivered right outside Nicole’s trailer. Then she gathered the cast and crew to sing Happy Birthday. Then Julia gave everyone on set a car and a puppy and one of her kidneys. NO! That last one didn’t happen, but it probably will if Nicole keeps being a stand-offish beyotch.

Then again, this is only one side of the story. Did Julia ever think to ask Nicole why she was being such a cold cunt? Maybe she got the wet shits from a bad batch of Botox and she was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so she hid in her trailer.

Here’s Her Majesty filming some scenes with Chiwetel Ejiofor for The Secret in Their Eyes a few weeks ago. I’m sure if you look closely, you can see Julia Roberts hiding behind those stairs with her hand cupped around her mouth so she can holler “Abitchsayswhat?” after every one of Nicole’s lines.


JLo Lied To Us All! How Will We Ever Learn To Trust Anyone Again?

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

When JLo and Casper the Douchey Gold Digger broke up, nearly everyone broke up with their pieces, because if an egomaniac and Frogger’s maybe cheating, glory hole-trolling cousin can’t make it, who can?! Well, it turns out they can make, because they’ve been making it this entire time. That’s what TMZ says anyway. When JLo said that she’s happy to be single, what she really meant is that she’s a STUNT QUEEN who is happy to be tricking us all. Apparently, JLo never stopped doing the low-rent KFed and only said that to create “buzz” for that The Boy Next Door movie. Beyonce just bowed down to JLo and her shameless PR hustle.

TMZ says that JLo and Casper did break up last June, but they got back together a few weeks later. JLo didn’t say anything and pretended like they were done, because she and the producers of The Boy Next Door felt like they’d sell more tickets if everyone thought she was getting on her co-star Ryan Guzman. She also had a book about love she needed to whore out. For the past few months, they’ve been trying to keep it on the down low, but I guess they’re over that, because they kissed in front of the paps the other day. The whole “single for press” thing also worked for Casper, because he wanted to look single while shooting a UFC fighter movie nobody’s going to watch.

JLo had it right when she was lying about being with Casper Smart and she should’ve kept lying. I get that JLo may want to be with a piece she can boss around, but why Casper’s buff Jon Cryer-looking ass? Were there not better options at Boy Toys ‘R Us? Whatever, I guess the coochie wants what the coochie wants. Or maybe… JLo was trying to cross a bridge one day and she ran into Casper who was guarding it. When Casper asked her to solve a riddle, she got it wrong, which put a curse on her and she’s been tied to him ever since! Blink twice if I’m right, JLo.

Are There That Many “Coach” Fans Out There Who Needed A Sequel?

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Fresh off [verb redacted because spoiler culture is real, and people get wrought and will curse you out like you took their parking spot] on Parenthood, Craig T. Nelson will reprise his role as Coach in a 13-episode sequel for NBC. Variety reports that it will be the same concept except it’s 18 years later in the Coach universe, and everyone is now in their 90s or dead. They must all be dead, right? Wasn’t everyone already geriatric on that show?

The Hayden Fox character will come out of retirement to help his now grown-ass son coach a college football team. Nelson, 70, won an Emmy for the role in 1992. The original series ran on ABC from 1989 until 1997.

Actually, no, after some thorough research, I’ve determined everyone who acted on Coach is somehow ALIVE. This is good news because it means that horny gramma Mona from Who’s The Boss (Katherine Helmond) is still catting around. And so is that darling-voiced Georgia Engel, who I didn’t even know was on Coach! They should just ditch this dumb sequel idea and have those two carry a show about slutty cougars who turn the world upside down with their sexy ways.  Check out this video of Georgia Engal and Betty White totally coming off as an adorable late-in-life lesbian couple.

Coach was on for NINE SEASONS. NINE. Really? I think I saw it once and was like, oh, the theme is guys are funny cuz’ they’re stupid *eye-roll*and wow, Shelly Fabrares has some big,red hair. She was like the proto-Merida. When Michael K. mentioned this story, he noted how he only remembered her hair, too. They better bring her or her hair back so people understand what’s happening.

God willing this means a Grace Under Fire sequel is in the works.

Shailene Woodley Might Have Just Out-Shailened Herself

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Shailene Woodley, seen above looking like the Designer Imposters version of Kristen Stewart, has confessed some pretty WTF stuff in the past, but she recently outdid herself. During a recent interview with Nylon (via UsWeekly), Shailene was asked what the strangest thing she’s ever eaten was. Knowing what I know about Shailene (which is entirely TOO DAMN MUCH, if I’m being honest), I’d guess the strangest thing she’s ever eaten was either someone’s aura, but no. It was bugs. And she didn’t hate it:

“I’ve eaten ants and that was great. And June bugs, that was great. I think the future of food is in insects, so we’ll see what happens.”

Literally the only way that could have gotten more Shailene-y is if she had added “Did you know that drinking a tea made from organic whisperroot and grasshoppers will cure a blocked chakra? It’s true, a shaman told me in a dream I once had.

Full disclosure – one time I watched a science show (truth: it was a science show for kids) and they showed that bugs had something like 10000x more protein and iron than regular meat and that bugs and that bugs were plentiful and we should be eating them. Then they tricked a bunch of kids into eating with spiders and crickets baked into it, and of course they were like “Yum! More please!“, but I was skeptical. If I can tell it’s not butter, then I think I could tell I was eating Charlotte and her babies. Then again, don’t we eat like 400 spiders in our sleep every night? I think I heard that on the same show.

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The entire cast of the 80s cartoon Foofur!

Foofur” may sound like the name of a kink you’d see on a trick’s Grindr profile that you’d have to look up on Urban Dictionary and it may be, but it’s also the name of a short-lived cartoon from 1986. Everybody I ask about Foofur doesn’t remember it. They think it’s a cutesy name for furry mold on food. Even my sister doesn’t remember this show and I watched it with her. I know, I should go on Maury with her to see if we’re really biologically related, because how can she not hold onto extremely important information like watching some weird cartoon in the middle of the 80s?

Foofur was kind of like a new money Heathcliff but with mostly dogs instead of pussies. After Foofur’s rich human leaves him a big house and a fortune, he springs his animal friends from a dog catcher’s van and moves them in. Foofur (he’s the “not amused” big blue ho behind that hipster with a beautiful ginger wave of hair on his head) only lasted for 2 seasons and most of the episodes were about he and his friends trying to keep evil whores, like some woman named Mrs. Escrow, from taking the estate.

The plot was pretty simple and Foofur and his hos looked like Hanna-Barbera b-sides, but the theme song was a musical masterpiece.

I listened to this the other day and I’ve been singing it ever since like the grown-up I am. If RiRi really wants to be forward with her music, she’d do a cover of this classic.


Birthday Sluts

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Mariah Carey (45)
Kimbra (25)
Holliday Grainger (27)
Jessie J (27)
Brenda Song (27)
Caroline Winberg (30)
Fergie (40)
Nathan Fillion (44)
Elizabeth Mitchell (45)
Pauley Perrette (46)
Talisa Soto (48)
Dave Koz (52)
Quentin Tarantino (52)
Xuxa (52)
Vicki Gunvalson (53)
Michael York (73)
Julian Glover (80)


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