Archives: March 2015

Slime Angelina Jolie? I Think Not.

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Earthbound seraphim Angelina Jolie made her presence known at the 2015 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards last night. Nickelodeon’s yearly award show is known for “sliming” the celebrity presenters. Realizing that showering a demigoddess with slime would bring the world that much closer to the end times, she remained Kermit-spooge free. Cheered on by her daughters (you know them better as “the chosen ones”) Zahara and Shiloh, Angie accepted a blimp for Favorite Villain and Favorite Movie Actress for Malificent.

She had a message for all the chilluns:

“When I was a kid I was told – like Maleficent – that I was different. But then I realized something: different is good. So maybe you don’t fit in. Be yourself. And when someone tells you that you are different, just smile and hold your head up, and be proud. And as your villain, I would say, ‘Cause a little trouble. It is good for you!’”

The highly important decision not to slime Angelina might also have to do with her going through some more serious shit recently in regards to her health.

Be sure to click this link for a pic of Angie and her girls posing with that bass ass Meaghan Trainor person. Zahara’s expression reads “I’ll throw this lesser a bone and give her a pic for her scrapbook.” Shiloh’s reads “I really only listen to Sleator-Kinney, so I have no clue who this trick is.” And Angie is very “I’m always happy to gratify a seat-filler, but let’s get on with this.”

One sexy celeb who DID get a green load to the face was the show’s host, hot ass Nick Jonas! The highly untruthful Jennifer Lopez pressured him. Her lying ass didn’t get slimed either. SHE’S not a deity who recently nixed her ovaries, why does she get a pass?

All you kinky bitches into gunge can pant and pucker at the slimy screengrabs below. Nick really should have taken his shirt off first and flexed a little. While being green-jizzed upon. This is probably the wrong blog for these musings.

Check out vid of Angie’s speech below, as well as pics of her and the Chosen Ones, Nick’s green facial, and Nick and his chick Olivia Culpo on the orange carpet.

Photo credit: Splash & Zimbio

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

2 In a Room!

My cousin texted me the other day and the only thing she wrote was, “AS IT GROOVES.” I knew exactly what she was referencing and was taken back to junior high school where they’d play “Wiggle It” at the dances and 7th graders would freak dance to that shit. “Wiggle It” was an early 90s ear worm hit from 2 In A Room who were a rap duo from NYC. They had a couple of other semi-hits, but “Wiggle It” was their Mona Lisa!

It was everywhere and I’m pretty sure it was one of my cousins’ “voicemail message song.” You know, when you’d call my cousin’s voicemail, the song would play for a few seconds before she’d say, “Hey, what’s up, it’s Larissa. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to as soon as I can.” “Wiggle It” was probably everyone’s voicemail message song at some point in the 90s.

By the mid 90s, 2 In A Room had already broken up, but who cares that they only lasted for a quick minute. When they burped up this masterpiece, their job was done.

And that hot piece in the blue Speedo at the 2:18 mark who grabs that cutie by the hand is a HSOTD runner-up, because he really knows how to wiggle it. As it grooves!

SHARE

Birthday Sluts

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Lucy Lawless (47)
Chris Massoglia (23)
Megan Hilty (34)
Chris D’Elia (35)
Jennifer Capriati (39)
Brandi Love (42)
Michel Hazanavicius (48)
Jill Goodacre (51)
Elle Macpherson (51)
Amy Sedaris (54)
Michael Winterbottom (54)
Annabella Sciorra (55)
Perry Farrell (56)
Christopher Lambert (58)
Brendan Gleeson (60)
Eric Idle (72)

SHARE

Open Post: Hosted By Gronk Twerking In A Pair Of Fluorescent Yellow Shorts

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Because I don’t watch football, I only have the vaguest idea of what Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski’s deal is, but what I’ve gathered from the internet is that he’s 25-year-old muscled-up party animal who likes kittens and plays for the New England Patriots. He also may or may not be the come-to-life version of Moose Mason from Riverdale High. Regardless, all that really matters is that Gronk loves to party, and a video of him busting out some Magic Mike moves in a pair of fluorescent yellow shorts at an EDM festival appeared on the internet, because of course it did.

Gronk was at the Ultra Music Festival in Miami yesterday, and I guess the music was making him feel things in his ass area, because he got on stage and started booty thrusting and air humping as if it was the second half of the Super Booty Bowl and his twerk team was down by 69 points.

I don’t know if the NFL still frowns upon touchdown dances, but maybe after seeing this video, they might reconsider for the sake of increased game attendance. I have zero interest in football, but if there’s any chance a dude in spandex pants will drop to the ground and air fuck the end zone, I’m so there.

(via Deadspin)

Tags:
SHARE

Ryan Phillippe Claims He’s Passing For Much Younger Than He Really Is

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

The second-stage Pokemon evolution of Channing Tatum, Ryan Phillippe, recently did an interview with Variety, and apropos of nothing, they brought up the fact that he’s 40 now. I guess because Variety wants us all to feel old by thinking about the dude from I Know What You Did Last Summer blowing out 40 candles on his birthday cake or something. But apparently being 40 doesn’t affect him at all, because according to Ryan Phillippe, Ryan Phillippe still passes for a teenager and sometimes for Ava Phillippe’s older brother.

“It’s crazy. And still, I get carded constantly. My daughter hates it, because sometimes people have thought I’m her brother, and she’s freaked out by that.”

Even a deluded trick like Kris Jenner, who’s been desperately working a 4th Kardashian sister game for years now, is like “Sure, Jan.”

But where are these magical liquor stores in Los Angeles that don’t know who Hollywood movie star Ryan Phillippe is? Even if you did know who he was, but wasn’t sure how old he was, all you have to do is reach for a copy of Cruel Intentions from the DVD rack (there’s always a copy of Cruel Intentions for sale on the DVD rack at the liquor store) and realize that shit came out in 1999. And unless the part of Sebastian Valmont was played by a mature-looking fetus, he’s definitely old enough to buy booze.

Feel free to judge for yourself, though. Here’s Ryan leaving a club last week, and sure, he sort of looks young-ish, but dressing in Justin Bieber drag will do that to a person.

Pics: Splash

SHARE

Bethenny Frankel Is Trying To Give Her Personality A Makeover

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

In an attempt to appear less like Bethenny Frankel, Page Six says that Bethenny Frankel has hired a team of personality coaches to help her “tone down her shit”. Technically, she didn’t really have to hire anyone, since a couple hits off a non-fat bong would have done the trick, but it sounds like she needed something stronger than weed to chill her out.

According to a source, Bethenny apparently took a long hard look at her life and/or her choices, like her messy divorce from Jason Hoppy and the cancellation of her talk show Bethenny (cough and maybe also that time she thought it would be a good idea to post a picture of herself wearing her 4-year-old daughter’s pajamas cough), and decided she needed to do something to change the public’s perception of her. The source says:

“She’s turned herself into a victim and been told by these coaches to be much more demure, and not be as harsh as she was.”

I still don’t understand why she hired more than one coach; how many people does it take to say “Just stop“?

I get that Bethenny doesn’t want to be Bethenny anymore, but what is Bethenny without Bethenny? I have no idea what any of that means, but I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’d rather take a no-fucks-given Bethenny than the phony demure Stepford Wife version of Bethenny, if only because that would be creepy as hell. Imagine if you took Bethenny’s hyper-realistic Joker mask face and added a pair of soulless eyes? This is supposed to be The Real Housewives of New York, not My Nightmares.

Britney Spears Is Taking Algebra Lessons So She Can Help Her Kids Do Their Homework

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

And now in “Things that will make you feel old as hell” news, Britney Spears’ kids are now old enough to do difficult math. And like real difficult, not how-much-will-three-gorditas-and-a-drink-from-Taco Bell-be difficult (which is my current standard for “hard math”). Brit Brit recently confessed to People that Sean Preston and Jayden James have moved past the two plus two stage of their book learnin’, which means she’s having a hard time helping them with their homework. So in order to keep up, she’s taking some math lessons:

“They go to a really hard school, and this week we had three hours of homework [a night]. Some of it is hard for me. Next year when [Preston’s] in fifth grade, he’s going to be doing pre-algebra, and I’m taking classes so I know how to do it!”

Brit Brit gets zero shade from me, because my dumb ass couldn’t even remember which one algebra was. I through algebra was the “If a train is headed west at a speed of 80 miles per hour” one, but it turns out it’s the X over Y equals Z one. Even with two tutors and a set of Math is Easy! VHS tapes, I still failed algebra. It was such a mind fuck: why do I need to solve for X if you already know what X is? Just tell me what X is, you sadistic bastards! My brain still hurts just thinking about it.

Not to mention that you never use that shit in the real world. I’m happy that Brit Brit is trying to be a good parent, but I doubt she’ll ever use the algebra she learned to solve how many Fraps she drank last month. I mean, you don’t need math to know that the answer will always be “lots”.

There’s Going To Be A Destiny’s Child Reunion In Las Vegas Tonight

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

That sound you just heard was Daddy Knowles frantically shoving what was leftover from his Destiny’s Child yard sale into his mobile retail station (aka his car) and hauling ass to Las Vegas so he can be the first merch vendor in the parking lot.

Page Six says that Destiny’s Child will be reuniting for the first time since Super Bowl XLVII at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards this evening in Las Vegas. I know that seems random as hell, but it’s all happening because Michelle Williams is up for a bunch of awards, and since the only thing Beyonce loves more than a Photoshopped thigh gap is the chance to grab someone else’s spotlight, she’s going and she’s dragging Kelly Rowland with her. A source says Destiny’s Child will be opening the show.

There’s also a rumor that Destiny’s Child’s performance this evening might be their sneaky way of announcing a reunion tour, but Beyonce’s rep (Basement Baby using a pay-as-you-go cellphone on loan from Blue Ivy) says that’s not true.

The Stellar Gospel Music Awards won’t air until next Sunday, so we’ll have to wait a whole week to see just how much Beyonce tried to upstage Kelly and Michelle or if she reused her angel costume from the Grammys. But I think we can all agree their performance will probably look a little something like this:

NO! Beyonce would never! And Beyonce totally won’t walk on stage to accept Michelle’s awards tonight either. Although if I were the Stellar Gospel Music Awards, I might want to think about securing the perimeter for Kanye West.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Sue’s jealous friend from the I Want A Bath commercial! 

Thank you to Ann for sending me this I Want A Bath commercial which stars Sue’s nosy and jealous friend in the red cardigan. Sue’s friend is a mess!

First of all, Sue’s friend is nosy as hell. While Sue is making them Tension Tamer tea and slicing up an Entenmann’s crumb cake, she snoops around and goes into the master bathroom. Second of all,  Sue’s friend pretty much wants to fuck that walk-in tub. Sue’s friend is definitely feeling the quivers when she grabs that wide door. Third of all, why would Sue be ticked off that her friend got the same tub as her? I would think Sue would be happy that her red cardigan-wearing friend bought that tub, because then she’d no longer have to worry about walking in and catching that tub humper licking and making sweet love to her tub. That soaking tub needs a long soak in a tub after Sue’s friend visits. Sue’s friend is also really, really happy about pissing her off. She is getting off on Sue’s pain! She’s like a brunette Serial Mom. There’s something going on there and I hope they give us the backstory in future commercials.

We should all be so lucky to love something as much as Sue’s friend loves Sue’s tub. If Sue’s friend was a real person, she’d totally star in a TLC special titled I Married Sue’s Tub.

SHARE

Birthday Sluts

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Reba McEntire (60)
Lady Gaga (29)
Sauli Koskinen (30)
Julia Stiles (34)
Kate Gosselin (40)
Shanna Moakler (40)
Richard Kelly (40)
Matt Nathanson (42)
Nick Forst (43)
Mr. Cheeks (44)
Vince Vaughn (45)
Brett Ratner (46)
Cheryl “Salt” James (49)
April Margera (59)
Dianne Weist (67)
Conchata Ferrell (72)
Mike Newell (73)

SHARE

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >