Archives: March 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Peeps Milk

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I learned something brand new today. I learned that there’s humans on Earth who really felt like what we needed as a people was milk flavored like Peeps.

Prairie Farms is selling Peeps-flavored milk in grocery stores in the Midwest right now, because why not, I guess. It comes in three flavors and it’s perfect for hos who feel like regular milk just isn’t pushing them toward early onset diabetes fast enough. USA Today says that Peeps milk is ultra sugary deliciousness for your insides:

The Peeps-flavored milk is packed with more than three times the amount of sugar a serving of regular Prairie Farms whole milk has, clocking in at 37 grams per cup. A serving of whole milk contains 11 grams of sugar. For comparison, a 12-oz. bottle of Coca-Cola contains 39 grams of sugar.

Peeps milk also has more than twice as much sodium – 320 mg per cup compared to 120 mg for a cup of the brand’s whole milk.

Yeah, I don’t know. The name “Peeps Milk” just sounds gross. I don’t know if I want to know what it would taste like if I sucked on a Peeps’ nipple. I know, you really needed that image today. But it could’ve been worse. I could’ve said that I don’t know if I want to know what it would taste like to suck off a Peep, which is what I really thought.

Who am I fooling? I’d drink that mess, but only after mixed it with several shots of vodka, because if you’re going to find out what the leche of a Peep tastes like you should at least get drunk while doing so.


Lily James Says She Went On A Liquid Diet To Fit Into Her Cinderella Dress

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

After it was revealed last month that Disney’s live-action Cinderella had a waist that was as small as cartoon Cinderella’s, a missing persons report was filed for her stomach the police were pointed in the direction of that notorious waist-snatcher Photoshop. At the time, Cinderella’s agent said it was the work of an organ-crushing corset, and now Cinderella herself would like to add that it also had something to do with the fact that she stopped eating solid foods.

Lily James recently told E! News that once they strapped her into Cinderella corset, there was no way solid foods were making their way through her digestive tract. According to Lily, any food she ate just turned into a bundle of burps that usually made their way to Prince Charming’s face. “You needed a blonde chick who loves belching? What, was I busy?” though Jennifer Lawrence.

So in order to wear her corset all day during the filming of Cinderella, she had to start drinking her meals. Normally when I think of a liquid lunch, I think of 3 Caesars and a shot of Pepto, but Lily says she stuck to soup.

Cinderella gets respect from me, because I once went on a liquid diet, and it was HELL. I only lasted three days before I cracked, dumped all my spicy lemon water down the kitchen sink, jumped into my car Duke of Hazzard-style, hauled ass to the nearest McDonald’s, and shoved a McLand, Air, & Sea into my mouth while weeping tears of joy in the parking lot .

Susan Sarandon And That Ping-Pong Mogul Broke Up Because Of A Reality Show

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Susan Sarandon’s ping-pong mogul boy toy is 37 years old and so he’s starting to spoil a bit and smell and it won’t be long before he starts spouting white pubes and complains about back pain after they fuck on the ping-pong table. So it’s about that time for Susan Sarandon to drop him and get herself some fresh, younger meat. Page Six says that 68-year-old Susan is done shooting ping-pongs out of her poon and into the mouth of Jonathan Bricklin (you know how kinky those ping-pong playing types are) and it’s not because he old now. It’s because he wants to be in a reality show. Reality shows: destroying relationships since 2005.

A source tells Page Six that the ping-pong dude signed up to do a reality show for AOL called “Connected,” which follows 6 New Yorkers and their partners. Each couple was given a camera to record their lives for 6 months. Susan agreed to do it at first, but quickly realized that she’s too good for that shit. So she dumped him after 5 years together.

“It caused a lot of strain in the relationship. It’s documented for the show that Susan breaks up with him because she doesn’t want to be involved with the show. She says, ‘You’re a cast member, I’m not.’”

The source says that they’re trying to work things out so there’s a chance they’ll get back together.

What is there to work out? He chose a reality show over her! This is how it begins. First, he gets her to do a semi-artsy “docu-series” for AOL and then suddenly she’s starring in The Real Housewives of Ping-Pong Moguls for Bravo! Besides, I would’ve quit that bitch as soon as he said, “Let’s star in a reality show for AOL.” Just reading the name AOL gives me the shakes. It takes me back to the late 90s when I’d chew off the tips of my finger skin while waiting to see if I’d get onto AOL via dial-up or not. And nothing felt lonelier than finally getting onto AOL and not hearing that guy say “You’ve Got Mail.” AOL held my emotions in their hands, so screw them for that!

And here’s Susan trolling for new trade at the Hamburg Trade Fair in Germany last week.

Pics:, Getty

Jason Bateman Is The Reason Dax Shepard And Kristen Bell Got Married

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Now you know the name of the person to which you can send that muffin basket; I’m sure you want to say a proper thank you for this gorgeous public mouth-humping moment between Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. Frito Pendejo’s past life self Dax Shepard recently told People that if it weren’t for his friend Jason Bateman pressuring him like an old timey hillbilly with a shotgun to marry his girlfriend Kristen Bell, it might never have happened.

“Jason was first to go, ‘Stop fucking around and marry Kristen’. You immediately transitioned into ‘Get her pregnant’” Shepard continued while standing next to his friend. ”I would say you were at the very forefront of cracking the whip on that. And you were dead right.”

Of course, Dax took Michael Bluth’s advice, knocked-up Kristen, got married, then knocked her up again.

Now that we know Jason Bateman has some kind of weird mind control over Dax Shepard and is able to get him to do whatever he says, if I were Kristen Bell, I would be using that to my advantage. For example, like Kristen, I too go nuts for sloths, so my first order of business would be instructing Jason Bateman to convince Dax to buy a sloth. Then another. Then an entire sloth sanctuary. From the window to the wall, sloths dripping down from the ceiling like little furry slow-moving Cirque du Soleil performers.

By the way, if Jason Bateman is taking requests, do you think it would it be too much trouble to ask him if he could convince Dax Shepard to take his shirt off more often?

Attack Of The Clones: Jared Leto Channels Kunty Karl

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian’s yeast infection surprise hair color turned to a bright shade of jealousy green at the Balmain show today when the modern day Dorian Gray named Jared Leto sashayed in while showing that trash heap heffa how the peroxide look is really done.

Five seconds is approximately how long it took Jared Leto to fight the hot again after he stopped fighting the hot by chopping off his ombre Yanni circa 1999 hair. Jared took a Flowbee to his mane to play The Joker in the Suicide Squad movie and he kept the transformation going by bleaching his hair the same color that every teenage trailer park tweaker had in 2002. I’m guessing that Jared is going to keep his transformation into The Joker going by going bright red or bright green. But I, for one, hope he keeps it like this.

I hope this means that in the Suicide Squad movie, The Joker is a cunty, black-hearted German zombie fashion designer who destroys his targets by calling them fat over and over again and who brings Batman to tears by shaming that bitch for wearing black rubber when this season is all about light onyx panda leather. The Joker will also make Superman question everything by saying, “Honey, unless your name is Lupita Nyong’o, don’t try the cape look.” They can even replace Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn with Choupette Lagerfeld. Now THAT is the Suicide Squad movie I want to see.

And here’s more of Jared looking like the golden child of the Death Eaters at the Balmain show in Paris today. And on a different note, the HELL is he wearing? He’s dressed like a toddler whose mom let him pick out his outfit.

Pics: Splash,

Chris Brown’s Baby Has A Name

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

And no, it’s not “Not Chris Brown’s Baby“, which is what it probably wishes it could legally change it to. According to TMZ, the 9-month-old baby that Chris Brown made with a model named Nia is called Royalty. Raise your hand if you too just got a craving for some Royal Milk Tea. TMZ doesn’t say whether or not the baby has her daddy’s last name, but I hope she does, because Royalty Brown kind of sounds like the name of a fancy British drag queen, and I can get behind that 100%.

As of yesterday, it was still sort of up in the air as to the DNA status of Chris Brown’s alleged baby. But the mystery is solved! TMZ says that Chris and Nia both took paternity tests last week, and in the immortal words of Maury Povich, he IS the father (sorry Royalty). They’re also saying that Royalty lives with her mommy in Texas, so Chris has agreed to fly out there on the regular and help raise her (again, sorry Royalty) and has arranged some sort of child support agreement. Wait, is Chris Brown even allowed to cross state lines? I know he’s not allowed to cross the border. Someone better call his probation officer and ask.

But when he does book his ticket on the baby daddy express to Texas, he should just buy one, since it looks like he won’t need a second boarding pass for his former piece Karrueche Tran. I know it’s only been 24 hours since they broke up, but in Karreuche Tran/Chris Brown break-up time, that’s like 16 months. Here’s a single-and-ready-to-mingle Karrueche hitting the club and looking for her next Chris Brown last night:


If Draco Malfoy Was A Skanky Alien From V

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

As with most pictures of Kim Kartrashian, my first reaction to this is:


My second reaction is to slow clap for Kanye West, because just when I think there’s no way he can make his dress-up silicone mannequin doll look more ridiculous, he proves me wrong. Kanye really has a gift for turning nearly everything he touches into busted fuckery. I see him throwing a side-eye that says, “I can’t believe this bitch believed me when I said that bleaching her hair with Sally Hansen creme bleach is high fash-un.

Kim showed up to the Balmain show in Paris today looking like what you’d get if you mashed up a picture of a drowned, malnourished Afghan hound and a picture of one of the Matrix twins in She looks like the least popular and cheapest Rita Ora impersonator (and Rita Ora is already the least popular and cheapest RiRi impersonator). The look is very “piss on Kum.”

In short: I love it!

Pics: Splash,

And The Hardest-Working Publicist Award Goes To…

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

The poor soul who does PR for Canada’s perpetually constipated-looking preteen hamster boy, Justin Bieber! Congratulations, whoever you are – you really outdid yourself this time. Justin Bieber’s I’m A Big Boy Now tour is still making stops in whatever town will have him, and this time he’s proving he’s a big boy now in Men’s Health magazine. Yes, you read that correctly. Not Boy’s Health or Douchey Spoiled Brat’s Health, but Men’s Health. Does anyone have a dictionary handy to double-check that the definition of the word men is still the same and that we didn’t wake up in some upside-down opposite world this morning?

Justin also brought with him his in-house de-infant Photoshop team to make him look extra buff in the body, and it looks like they worked out whatever kinks they had during his CK training pants campaign (crotch bulge shadows look off, face still looks like child), because I almost believe he no longer has the body of a malnourished baby squirrel. Justin also wants you to know that along with his buff new body, he also has thoughts.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

TS Madison!

TS Madison’s Twitter bio says she’s a trans mogul, recording artist, adult entertainment company owner, Internet celebrity sensation, viral vlogger and Queen of Vine. I need to add “wise philosopher of our time” and “the only self-help guru any of us need” to her bio, because her Vine is a fountain of never-ending wisdom. TS Madison is like Tony Robbins and Deepak Chopra if Tony Robbins and Deepak Chopra spit out some actual useful life tips and words to live by.

The Plato of Vine gifted the Internet with 5 important rules of life earlier this year and I wish I would’ve seen this shit then, because these would’ve been my New Year’s resolutions. I didn’t see it until this week after RuPaul tweeted it a few times. Fuck The Secret. The Secret should be pulled off of the shelves and its publisher should release a new and improved version of it. The improved The Secret should only be one page long and on that page should be the address to this Vine, because this is what you need to know to live life right.

So, to recap, here’s the Tao of TS Madison:

1. Be yourself, bitch.

2. Step your pussy up, honey.

3. Get a jawb.

4. Own a business, bitch.

5. Suck a dick!

I fully expect every hotel, motel, halfway house, bed and breakfast, etc…. to replace the Bible in the nightstand with a paper with these 5 life rules on it. And we pray!


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