Archives: March 2015

Who Is February’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Bart the Zombie Cat’s reign as Hot Slut of the Month has come to an end and it’s time for him to pass the tattered and busted crown on to someone else so that he can get back to doing better things like destroying humanity for burying him alive.

Just like last month, the 3 Hot Slut of the Days who got the most Facebook likes will compete along with a finalist of my choice . Here’s the 4 HSOTM finalists:

Susy Diaz – The gorgeous Peruvian blossom who’s an all-around talent and stole the show when she dance bombed Fifth Harmony’s performance on the Today.

The “Don’t Give A Fuck” Pussy - The fluffy white rebel who lives to hear us humans beg for mercy!

Velvet – The TV pilot from 1984 that was a Charlie’s Angels knock-off starring Shari Belafonte and other superstars.

Edy Williams - The former shameless red carpet queen of the Oscars who paved the way for Phoebe Price and Bai Ling.

It isn’t hard to guess which one is my pick. It’s Edy Williams who didn’t get nearly as many as FB likes as the others and I’m guessing that’s because so many are jealous of her beauty, glamour, modesty, grace and style. That’s okay. I’m sure Edy is used to it.

Voting is below and the winner will be announced on Monday, March 9th. It’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made since last month when you voted for January’s HSOTM. Happy voting!

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A Teenage Kennedy Played The “Google Me” Card When A Club Wouldn’t Let Her In

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Courtenay Semel’s impact lives on!

In 2008, Courtenay Semel, the daughter of some Yahoo! exec and Tila Tequila’s one-time scissor sister, mouth queefed up the phrase of the year when she shouted,Google me, you dumb fuck,” at a bouncer she got into a fight with at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Well, it’s been 7 years later and entitled spoiled assholes are still using her beautiful words of poetry.

Page Six says that 19-year-old Kyra Kennedy, the daughter of Robert Kennedy Jr., went full bitch outside of club Lava at the Turning Stone Resort Casino in Verona, New York on Thursday night when the bouncer refused to let her ass in. Some witness says that Kyra was already ten layers of drunk when she showed up. The club is 21 and over, so Kyra came prepared. She brought her sister Kathleen “Kick” Kennedy’s passport with her and tried to pass it off as her own. The bouncer wasn’t buying it and that’s when the laughs and fuckery ensued.

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Open Post: Hosted By Prince’s Junior High School Basketball Picture

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Libor Jany of the Minneapolis Star Tribune went deep into the archives and found and tweeted this picture of Prince serving up some smirk in his junior high school basketball picture. That glorious afro weighs more than him and I bet he still owned the game.

Before becoming the human form of a unicorn’s horn, Prince was a member of the Bryant Junior High School basketball team and his old coach said he was a really good player. Prince is about as tall as a Calla Lilly’s yellow dick (or whatever that part is called) so I can’t even imagine him playing basketball.

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But seriously, I believe his coach. Not only was Prince a great player, but he was probably the best player that ever existed at Bryant Junior High School and beyond. Although, I think his coach got a few things wrong and forgot some shit. Because I’m sure Prince won every game for his team without having to dribble or throw that ball. At the start of every quarter, Prince would throw a side-eye at his opponents and they’d immediately pass out on the court from being hit with that much attitude. Then his teammates would stack those passed-out bodies like stairs and Prince would stomp on up to the hoop and gracefully drop in the ball before throwing his head over his shoulder and letting out a pout. GAME: BLOUSES.

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Robert Pattinson Might Have Given FKA Twigs A Promise Ring

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And now for some news that will surely send those last few dozen die-hard Robsten fangirls into a violent rage spiral. According to People, things are getting pretty serious between former vampire/current handsome hipster Robert Pattinson and the singer who looks like she was created in a sexy humid factory by Prince, FKA Twigs. A friend of RPattz and FKATwattz says that after dating for five months, they’re both wearing promise rings. The source goes on to add:

“He wants to marry her. [He's] much more calm and happy than before. They are inseparable when they are together. They live at his house.”

I’d say that comment about being ‘much more happy than before’ was a subtle swipe at RPattz’s first famous girlfriend Kristen Stewart, but that’s a bit of a reach. Even KStew would be like “Eh, no offense taken; I wasn’t thrilled about the situation either” before hollering at Alicia Cargile to put on her shoes for their 4th coffee run of the day.

I’m really happy those two crazy kids found love and are having a good time rubbing their horny bits against each other in The House That Twilight Built, but promise rings? Don’t they seem a little too cool for promise rings? They strike me as more of the Sure, Whatever ring type. Oh well, jewelery is jewelery. Besides, maybe it’s not even an ‘I promise to marry you’ ring; maybe it’s an ‘I promise to always tell you when your hair looks 8-layers of NO‘ ring. That’s the kind of promise ring I can get behind.

Giorgio Armani Blames “That Fall” On Madonna’s Difficult Ways

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And just like that, every one of Giorgio Armani’s employees quit on the spot and are standing in the back of the line at the unemployment office, because they’re not going to be there when Madonna shows up in a cloud of black smoke to destroy what he loves most for shading her. Giorgio Armani is 80, so I’m assuming she’s going to destroy his stash of Wertherio’s Originales (“Wertherio’s Originales” are the Italian version of Werther’s Originals.)

After Madge did an interpretative dance portrayal of MDNA’s second week sales at the Brit Awards last week, she explained in an Instagram post that her Giorgio Armani cape was tied too tight and she couldn’t get it off in time. I’m sure she wrote that Instagram post while sitting on the beautiful chair she made with the bones of the dancer who snatched her to the floor and made her get whiplash. I didn’t take Madge’s comment as a slap to Giorgio Armani, but I guess he did. After his show in Milan, Giorgio Armani told the Associated Press that he wanted to put a hook on the cape, but Madge insisted on ties and you know what a diva bitch she can be.

Giorgio Armani says the bull fighter’s cape that brought down Madonna during a live performance at Brit Awards was meant to be closed with an easy-to-undo hook. She wanted it tied instead.

“Madonna, as we all know, is very difficult,” Armani said with a smile and a shrug backstage after his Emporio Armani show. “That’s all there was to it.”

I love it when fancy Italian pepaw fashion designers bring the bitchiness. Giorgio Armani’s subtle bitchy words are like a defibrillator on my soul. I’m sure Madge won’t be bothered by his words at all and will gladly wear him again. I’m sure that during her next performance of Living For Love, she’ll wear another giant Giorgio Armani cape custom made out of HIS SKIN.

And here’s Madge giving you brothel madam outside of a TV station in Milan last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Lady Gaga Knows Taylor Swift Will One Day Find Her Prince Charming

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

It appears that former fabric store trash heap goblin Lady Gaga’s current life character is that of some sort of Sound of Music-singing heart-shaped engagement ring-wearing normal haired normal person, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that she reached out to Normcore Princess Taylor Swift the other day on Twitter. Also, because if Kanye West lecturing at Oxford has taught me anything, it’s that life is weird and random and makes no goddamn sense.

Billboard says it all started on Sunday when Taylor tweeted the following:

GagaTweet2

I guess that “living” she’s referring to is the fact that she no longer looks like an undead cartoon corpse or that she was still alive after freezing her wig off in Lake Michigan. Regardless, Lady Gaga decided to respond to Tay Tay’s tweet with her own inspirational message:

GagaTweet

Whaaaaaaaat is Lady Gaga talking about? She sounds like she was just tweeting random shit she saw on a collection of thrift store coffee mugs. Life is friends, family, and love. Your prince charming will come. Heart shape + kiss lips (the pattern on a mug that says Keep it steamy, Valentine).

It was nice of Lady Gaga to write back, but I guess she didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift isn’t a boy-crazy bitch anymore. Or maybe Lady Gaga is that forever lovesick friend who finds out you went on a shitty date and she starts blowing up your phone with hopeful shit about there being plenty of fish in the sea and putting up with the rain to get the rainbow and all that. And even when you’re like “it’s cool, don’t worry about it“, she’s like “YOU’RE CLEARLY CRYING INSIDE! LET THE TEARS OUT, GIRL! DANCE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT!!!!” Yeah, I’m sticking with my coffee mug theory.

Speaking of crazy, here’s Gaga dressed for the summer while taking her dog for a winter walk this weekend in NYC:

Pics: Splash

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Something Tells Me The Duggars Messed With The Wrong Bitch This Time

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

America’s most wholesome family, The Duggars, took a break from shooting tiny humans into the air through their tennis ball machine vaginas and destroying eyeballs with their up-close kissing to have a little fun in the snow. But of course, the Duggars can’t have a little fun in the snow without being lukewarm shit bags about it.

The Duggars aren’t content with causing damage to their own pussies by birthing out a hundred kids in a row. They have to try to cause damage to other pussies as well. On Sunday, Jill Duggar’s husband and future baby father Derick Dillard Instagrammed a video of him playing a little game of cat bowling in the snow. He was the ball and an innocent cat was the pin. With a little help from a baking pan sled and a friend, Derick tried to run over a cat who was just trying to live its own life while the other Duggars cheered and laughed.

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Carrie Underwood Is A Mom Now

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

After what felt like a 16-month pregnancy, Carrie Underwood has finally given birth to the baby put inside her by her Canadian hockey husband Mike Fisher. Carrie announced the news that she gave birth to a baby boy on Instagram by posting a picture of a tiny baby hand with the caption: “Tiny hands and tiny feet…God has blessed us with an amazing gift! Isaiah Michael Fisher – born on February 27. Welcome to the world, sweet angel!

Carrie Underwood Baby

I’m guessing she’s saving a real picture of her baby for whatever magazine cover she lands on proclaiming MY BABY JOY or MEET MY MIRACLE as her baby makes a confused “what is happening?” face.

Carrie is both a famous type and a country girl, and Mike is a famous type hockey dude, so I even though I didn’t really care one way or another, I just assumed they’d name their baby something like Waylon Windchimes Gordie. But they went with Isaiah Michael, which is surprisingly normal and boring for two famous types. Eh, good for them – I suppose not every baby that falls out of a famous vagina has to be a Sporaticus Alphons√© or a Parsley Williamsburg Turntable.

Bobby Brown’s Family Is Allegedly Shooting A Reality Show Because This Is The World We Live In

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The next time you’re at a family reunion and you’re watching your uncles drunkenly fight on the patio after one of them said that the other one’s wife has lonjas for days, try to ignore the sound of your auntie hysterically screaming while trying to break up the fight with her shoe and think to yourself, “Well, at least they’re not AS trashy as Bobby Brown’s family.

When Bobby Brown’s family got into that big, messy fight at his birthday party, they probably realized that the next time they fight, it should be in front of cameras, because they might as well get paid for their trashiness. That IS the American way, after all. TMZ says that as Bobbi Kristina Brown remains in a coma, her family on her dad’s side is shooting their own reality show. Bobby’s two sisters, Tina and Leolah, his brother and their kids are shooting the show. Bobby’s lawyer claims that he’s not involved and won’t be in it at all. They haven’t shot inside of Bobbi Kristina Brown’s hospital room and I’m guessing it’s not because they still have a sliver of decency left. The hospital probably won’t let them. But they regularly talk about Bobbi Kristina’s condition at home while the cameras are rolling.

TMZ says that Leolah pushed herself into the news shortly after Whitney Houston’s death when she blamed Ray-J for enabling Nippy’s coke habit. Tina is the one who broke a bottle on her son’s head during that family fight and she also once admitted to smoking crack with Nippy.

This is not the sequel to Being Bobby Brown I wanted or needed. I wanted more popping doody bubble talk and no life support talk.

Page Six says that it’s not known if a network is involved at this point yet. Hmm… I wonder which network would actually pay money for this mess. The answer: ALL OF THEM (but you know it’s going to be TLC).

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