Archives: March 2015

It Came From The Icy Lake….

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Yesterday morning, Lake Michigan was filled with more shriveled-up dicks and frostbitten pussies than an orgy in an igloo when a bunch of brave bitches gladly froze their nipples off in the name of charity. The Chicago Tribune says that almost 5,000 people did the Polar Plunge into Lake Michigan in Chicago to raise money for the Special Olympics. They set a record yesterday by raising $1.5 million in just one day. Two of the people who risked pneumonia of the ass lips for charity were hot piece Taylor Kinney (no comment on his douchey back tattoo which belongs on the side of a van) and Lady Gaga who looked like Snow Miser in bad drag thanks to that frozen wig.

The Chicago Tribune said that the Special Olympics knew that Taylor, his Chicago Fire cast mates and Vince Vaughn were going to jump into that ice cold slushie, but they didn’t know that Lady CaCa was going to do it until minutes beforehand:

“She’s pure heart,” said Casey Hogan, president of Special Olympics Chicago and its fundraising arm Special Children’s Charities. “She came out for the cause — low-key, no press. It doesn’t get any better than that.”

The only reason to dip into icy waters is if it’s for charity, you’re getting paid thousands of dollars to do it, that necklace from Titanic is at the bottom or a topless Taylor Kinney grabs your hand and leads you into it. Below is video of the Polar Plunge. Keep a blow dryer nearby, because watching it may put icicles on your eyelashes.

All those people are cold, confused, wet and covered in ice…. Now they know how every baby who was pulled out of Nicole Kidman feels.

Oh, to be a paramedic in Chicago yesterday. As soon as Taylor Kinney came out of that icy lake, I’d grab his hand, push Gaga aside and tell him that his peen is in danger of catching hypothermia and I must save it by doing mouth-to-mouth while warming it up with my hands.

Pics: Getty, Splash/INF

Jennifer Garner Says It’s Her Turn To Go To Work

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

For the past couple years, Jennifer Garner sort of did the slow two-step away from her career as a movie star so she could stay at home and raise the three kids she made with Ben Affleck. However, during an event to promote her new movie Danny Collins, Jennifer Garner admitted that she’s decided to go back to work:

“I’ve been home for a long time. It’s my turn and I’m going to go to work this spring. I think I’ll work the spring and summer, maybe the fall too, as long as some of it’s at home. I don’t think my deals are done yet so I can’t say, but yeah, I’m about to go to work.”

But it sounds like Ben shouldn’t be fitting himself for a pair of Dad’s Choice™ relaxed-fit sweatpants and memorizing the kids carpool schedule just yet; according to Jen, it’s not a workie-tradesies situation. Nope, they’re both going to be working:

“Ben is super busy and I’m super happy for him. I chose to stay home this year and just said, ‘Go for it babe. Do it all. Do Gone Girl, do Batman, do The Accountant. Do everything.’ I want that for him and I’m happy for him. And he says the same to me. Except that he’s really busy. But he understands that when I really have to do it, we figure it out.”

I really hope that one of those things she really has to do is a sequel to 13 Going on 30, because I would be lying if I said that was not something I wanted in my life.

Ben Affleck has always struck me as an adult-sized kid type, so I hope he’ll be ok when his wife goes back to work. Otherwise, Jennifer Garner is going to have to get used to the director yelling cut every 10 minutes so that she can take a call from him asking how to make microwave burritos. “Ben, I already told you – if you don’t know, ask one of the other kids. Besides, didn’t I leave you $20 for pizza? What did you do with the money? Ben, put Violet on the phone…

Taylor Swift Is Going To Be A Godmother

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Fairy godmothers everywhere probably just started texting all the other fairy godmothers about how they might as well quit, because it’s only a matter of time before Tracy Flick’s more ambitious cousin Taylor Swift puts them out of a job. “I heard she rented out the Eiffel Tower so her godchild could have a private pizza dinner with Beyonce. The last thing I did for mine was turn a pumpkin into a coach. I can’t compete with that!

The most adult member of Taylor Swift’s popular high school girls clique, Jaime King, is currently knocked up with her second child, and she decided to ask Tay Tay to be the baby’s godmother. Congrats, baby – you won the lottery, and you’re not even born yet! Taylor announced the news by posting a picture of her rubbing on Jaime’s pregnant stomach to Instagram last night with the caption: “Guess who just got named Godmother of this little one….. (ME)“. And Jaime double-confirmed the news by posting the following:

Taylor Swift Baby Bump

That looks like 97% of the awkward amateur photographer pregnancy photo shoots I’ve seen on Facebook. The only thing that’s missing is a giant script font watermark in the lower right-hand corner, Jaime making a heart shape with her hands, and Taylor looking like she just got called up from the basement where she was playing Xbox live (ie. shirtless with jeans and a look that says “Are we almost done?“).

Pics: Instagram

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

The wooden dummy that some dude tried to pass off as a passenger so he could drive in the carpool lane!

Using a dummy or your Real Doll to trick the cops into thinking you have every right to be in the carpool lane is nothing new. Messes have been using that trick ever since the carpool lane was invented and it might work if you play it cool and don’t pull any other illegal shit like speeding or blasting a Justin Bieber song. James Campbell of Long Island didn’t get that memo or he did get that memo and still didn’t give a shit, because he got caught driving with wood on Friday on the Long Island Expressway after the cops pulled him over for speeding.

NBC New York (because THIS is news) says that Suffolk County Highway Patrol pulled James over on Friday morning for driving 77mph in the carpool lane. When Officer Jonathan Abrams strolled up to the car, he asked to see some ID from the passenger, but well, that wasn’t really possible since the passenger was made of wood and wood people don’t have IDs. (“Um, doesn’t wood person Allison Williams have an ID?” – you “Good point.” – me) Officer Jonathan told NBC New York that the dummy wasn’t the worst one he’s seen and James might’ve gotten away with it if he didn’t speed. James was written up for speeding and for illegally using the carpool lane. He’ll have to show his face in court.

James used the dummy trick on Friday, because he started a new job and didn’t want to be late. He tells CBS New York that he’s not going to let getting caught get in his way and he’s going to keep fucking that chicken.

“I’ve been using it for months,” he said. “I think it’s fun,” Campbell said.

Campbell said he has no intention of retiring his dummy now that he has gotten caught. “I’ll still give it a shot,” he said. “I’ll change outfits.” Police said they wanted to reinforce that Campbell’s actions are illegal, and they will be on the lookout for him.

Bitch is a real carpool lane outlaw. If you’re ever on the Long Island Express and see a dude in the carpool lane speed by with a passenger seat full of hard wood, you can say to yourself, “Now that goes a real badass.” But you know what doesn’t make sense to me? How does a Kardashian count as a passenger, but a wooden bitch doesn’t? They’re both brainless and empty inside, but at least the wooden bitch isn’t made of 100% unnatural substances.


Birthday Sluts

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Daniel Craig (47)
Becky G (18)
James Arthur (27)
Robert Iler (30)
Reggie Bush (30)
Luke Pritchard (30)
Elizabeth Jagger (31)
Bryce Dallas Howard (34)
Chris Martin (38)
Heather McComb (38)
Method Man (44)
Amber Smith (44)
Alexander Armstrong (45)
Laird Hamilton (51)
Jon Bon Jovi (53)
Laraine Newman (63)
Gates McFadden (66)
John Irving (73)
BarBara Luna (76)
Tom Wolfe (84)
Mikhail Gorbachev (84)
John Cullum (84)


Open Post: Hosted By Prince William Being Greeted By A Lion Dancer

March 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Sing with me now: “Hold me closer, lion daaaaaancer“.

One of the more WTF-worthy headlines I saw this morning was “Lion Eats Prince William’s Head”. Naturally, my mind immediately went to a place that involved a segment from an episode of When Animals Attack: Royals Edition featuring Prince William calling for the help of The Queen’s elite team of RescueCorgis while a lion gnawed at his head like it was a loaf of sourdough.

As it turns out, it was far less dramatic and way more adorable than what I had imagined. PW was visiting The Chime of Hope Shopping Centre in Ishinomaki, Japan and he was greeted by several lion dancers. I don’t know much about lion dancers, besides the fact that they sort of look like Grubby from Teddy Ruxpin had a baby with a festive tablecloth, but I’m guessing they were going to town on Will’s cranium because it’s good luck to attempt to swallow the head of a royal dude. “That’s not the only royal dude whose head I’d like to go to town on, if you know what I’m saying” followed by a picture of Prince Hot Ginge is the text I’m predicting I’ll receive in about 5 seconds from Michael K.

Here’s more of PW getting some kisses (???) from his lion dancer friends. It’s a good thing Baby Prince George didn’t come with him, otherwise those lion dancer heads probably would have ended up getting yanked off and his mounted on his tiny baby trophy wall.

Pics: Splash


NeNe Leakes And Khloe Kardashian Are Coming For Kelly Osbourne’s Old Job

March 1, 2015 / Posted by:

And it begins! Mere minutes after Kelly Osbourne announced that she was saying Bye, Bitch to Fashion Police and thus retiring the phrase “You really needed to see it in person” forever, the decision-making hos at E! are starting to find their mailboxes stuffed full of resumes from desperates looking to fill her spot. Since Ryan Seacrest and his out-of-country business partner Satan practically run the E! network, the most obvious prediction for Kelly’s replacement would be Khloe Kardashian. Now UsWeekly is saying that Kelly’s replacement could be Khloe, but it could also be NeNe Leakes.


Taylor Swift Is Done Talking About Katy Perry

March 1, 2015 / Posted by:

You know, at least until the next time she’s asked about her. NO! Taylor Swift is for-real done talking about the Veronica to her Betty, Katy Perry, no matter how much delicious attention it would get her. The human version of Debbie from The Oblongs recently told The Telegraph that you won’t hear the name of her former friend and current reason for why she goes though a 6-pack of scented glitter pens a month (scrawling the words SLUT SKANK BITCH 20 times a day in your Burn Book kills a ton of ink) leave her mouth hole ever again, because she is done talking about Katy Perry:

“I’m not giving them anything to write about. I’m not walking up the street with boys, I’m not stumbling out of clubs drunk. But I’m never going to talk about her in my interview. It’s not going to happen.”

She then added: “You hear that Gretchen? Stop tying to make our fight happen, it’s NOT going to happen“.

Tay Tay’s comments have me pulling a Marcia Brady-style “Nice try, Butterscotch“, because it’s a little redundant to say you don’t want to talk about someone and then proceed to talk about them. If she was really, truly done talking about Katy Perry, she should have pulled a Mimi and responded with a simple “I don’t know her.” THAT’S how you show someone you’re done talking about their ass.

And if you ever wanted to see what Tay Tay would look like if she bought a plaid poncho coat and went two shades darker on her lipstick, here’s Taylor Swift’s final Pokemon evolution form, Karlie Kloss, in Milan earlier today:

Pics: Splash

Cindy Crawford Says That SANS PHOTOSHOP Pic Of Her Is Full Of Photoshop

March 1, 2015 / Posted by:

When a supposedly SANS PHOTOSHOP picture of Cindy Crawford in her underwear and one of old Cruella de Vil’s old Friday night fuck dusters from a Marie Claire Mexico shoot hit the internet, most of us gave Cindy a slow clap for serving up some 48-year-old mother of two body-oddy-oddy and keeping it real in the waist and face area. However, if there was anyone not joining in on the slow clapping for Cindy Crawford’s SANS PHOTOSHOP pic, it was probably Cindy Crawford, because according to the photographer who took it, that pic is a LIE.

TMZ says that a lawyer for Cindy’s photographer is claiming that the picture of a real-looking Cindy Crawford is fake as hell and is threatening the people who released it with a lawsuit unless they take it down and issue and apology. According to the photographer who shot Cindy, that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is actually BEAUCOUP DE PHOTOSHOP; they claim some shady asshole type stole the pic and went hard on her tummy with the burn tool in Photoshop to make her look old and stretch mark-y on purpose.

Meanwhile, Cindy’s response has been a little more subtle; the day after the picture was released, Cindy’s husband (and the Gretchen Wieners to George Clooney’s Regina George) Rande Gerber posted a picture of Cindy in a bikini to Instagram showing what her stomach really looks like. Then again, it could also be Photoshopped to hell and back. WHO KNOWS? I’m sure the truth is out there, but Mulder and Scully have better things to do than solve the mystery of the Photoshopped former supermodel tummy.

If it’s true and that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is, in fact, Photoshopped to hell and back, then I can’t help but wonder what kind of bitch would wanna do Cindy dirty like that. Can someone check Adobe’s records to see if they recently licensed a copy of Photoshop under the name “Naomi Campbell“?

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