Ivy Queen (43)
Brooklyn Beckham (16)
Bobbi Kristina Brown (22)
Andrea Bowen (25)
Erin Heatherton (26)
Josh Bowman (27)
Whitney Port (30)
K. Michelle (31)
Landon Donovan (33)
Len Wiseman (42)
Chaz Bono (46)
Patsy Kensit (47)
Evan Dando (48)
Sam Taylor-Wood (48)
Steven Weber (54)
Mykelti Williamson (55)
Patricia Heaton (57)
Catherine O’Hara (61)
Adrian Zmed (61)
Emilio Estefan Jr. (62)
Ronn Moss (63)
Carroll Baker (66)
James Ellroy (67)
Paula Prentiss (77)
So now we know that Chris Brown’s jizz works and he’s able to procreate. Um, my only question is, who wants to stowaway with me on a rocket headed for the another planet?
TMZ says that there’s a human child on this planet who can call The Difficult Brown his father. 25-year-old Chris has a 9-month-old daughter with some 31-year-old model type named Nia. They’ve known each other for a couple of years and they’re supposedly friendly even though they’re not together. TMZ says that as far as they know there’s no formal child support arrangement in place and they’re not sure if The Difficult Brown is giving her cash. Chris Brown is a piece of corroded corn stuck in a turd so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t paying for his kid.
Yes, Chris Brown is a father to a girl. This is seriously happening. Even though his kid is only 9 months old, I’m sure she can already say, “Let’s go on Maury.”
Somewhere, RiRi is blowing out a weed cloud of relief into Leonardo DiCaprio’s b-hole, because she’s probably glad it’s not her. And I don’t know whether or not Karrueche Tran is screaming “NOOOOOOO” while doing the slow wall slide of sadness or if she’s doing the happy dance of glee as her ovary eggs cry tears of relief because they’re glad Chris Brown’s sperm fish never punched their way into them.
Lainey has a blind item about some newish Hollywood mom who snorted a few lines of the Lohan powder in front of strangers. This could really be all of them and I’m not exaggerating this time. I’m surprised all new moms and dads aren’t snorting huge, fat lines of the bad shit out in the open at all times, because that is a natural reaction to trying to deal with a screaming baby - Lainey Gossip
This has to be the most boring royal fight ever and I’m sure they’ll settle it with a game of backgammon while sipping decaf Earl Grey tea – Celebitchy
I fully expect to see Brit Brit’s escapee weave on eBay and I’m sure Daddy Spears will be the seller – Drunken Stepfather
Andy Cohen promises a bombshell on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion and my guess is that Giggy Vanderpump will reveal that he’s actually a cat – Reality Tea
“HA!” said the Hammaconda who eats average-sized dicks as an amuse-bouche before dinner (and yes, I’m considering fapping to the image of Jon Hamm’s dick eating dicks) – Jezebel
Russell Tovey tries to clarify his “I’m glad I’m not a flaming flamer from FlameVille” comment – Towleroad
AnnaLynne McCord or a middle-aged Nevada socialite on her way to audition for The Real Housewives of Reno? – Popoholic
Spencer Pratt’s existence is driving Anna Kendrick to suicidal thoughts – Pajiba
Um, I don’t see a picture of Richard Simmons – The Berry
I see that Khlozilla has been using the in-house Photoshop team – The Superficial
Kelly Brook’s pap pictures aren’t the same without that big bag of muscles wobbling behind her in shorty shorts – Hollywood Tuna
#THEDRESS was on Ellen, because of course it was – Just Jared
Madge totally fucked that sock afterward and I hope it’s her new boy toy – Boy Culture
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Edward Snowden: This is what that looks like – IDLYITW
I bet Barney totally wants to sex on that purple vagina on Bjork’s chest – OMG Blog
BREAKING: Justin Timberlake actually posted a picture of his wife’s face on Instagram – Popsugar
Hilary Duff looks really happy and excited to be pooting out a fart on the cover of Cosmo – ICYDK
Bart the Zombie Cat’s reign as Hot Slut of the Month has come to an end and it’s time for him to pass the tattered and busted crown on to someone else so that he can get back to doing better things like destroying humanity for burying him alive.
Just like last month, the 3 Hot Slut of the Days who got the most Facebook likes will compete along with a finalist of my choice . Here’s the 4 HSOTM finalists:
Susy Diaz – The gorgeous Peruvian blossom who’s an all-around talent and stole the show when she dance bombed Fifth Harmony’s performance on the Today.
The “Don’t Give A Fuck” Pussy - The fluffy white rebel who lives to hear us humans beg for mercy!
Velvet – The TV pilot from 1984 that was a Charlie’s Angels knock-off starring Shari Belafonte and other superstars.
Edy Williams - The former shameless red carpet queen of the Oscars who paved the way for Phoebe Price and Bai Ling.
It isn’t hard to guess which one is my pick. It’s Edy Williams who didn’t get nearly as many as FB likes as the others and I’m guessing that’s because so many are jealous of her beauty, glamour, modesty, grace and style. That’s okay. I’m sure Edy is used to it.
Voting is below and the winner will be announced on Monday, March 9th. It’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made since last month when you voted for January’s HSOTM. Happy voting!
Courtenay Semel’s impact lives on!
In 2008, Courtenay Semel, the daughter of some Yahoo! exec and Tila Tequila’s one-time scissor sister, mouth queefed up the phrase of the year when she shouted, “Google me, you dumb fuck,” at a bouncer she got into a fight with at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Well, it’s been 7 years later and entitled spoiled assholes are still using her beautiful words of poetry.
Page Six says that 19-year-old Kyra Kennedy, the daughter of Robert Kennedy Jr., went full bitch outside of club Lava at the Turning Stone Resort Casino in Verona, New York on Thursday night when the bouncer refused to let her ass in. Some witness says that Kyra was already ten layers of drunk when she showed up. The club is 21 and over, so Kyra came prepared. She brought her sister Kathleen “Kick” Kennedy’s passport with her and tried to pass it off as her own. The bouncer wasn’t buying it and that’s when the laughs and fuckery ensued.
Libor Jany of the Minneapolis Star Tribune went deep into the archives and found and tweeted this picture of Prince serving up some smirk in his junior high school basketball picture. That glorious afro weighs more than him and I bet he still owned the game.
Before becoming the human form of a unicorn’s horn, Prince was a member of the Bryant Junior High School basketball team and his old coach said he was a really good player. Prince is about as tall as a Calla Lilly’s yellow dick (or whatever that part is called) so I can’t even imagine him playing basketball.
But seriously, I believe his coach. Not only was Prince a great player, but he was probably the best player that ever existed at Bryant Junior High School and beyond. Although, I think his coach got a few things wrong and forgot some shit. Because I’m sure Prince won every game for his team without having to dribble or throw that ball. At the start of every quarter, Prince would throw a side-eye at his opponents and they’d immediately pass out on the court from being hit with that much attitude. Then his teammates would stack those passed-out bodies like stairs and Prince would stomp on up to the hoop and gracefully drop in the ball before throwing his head over his shoulder and letting out a pout. GAME: BLOUSES.
And now for some news that will surely send those last few dozen die-hard Robsten fangirls into a violent rage spiral. According to People, things are getting pretty serious between former vampire/current handsome hipster Robert Pattinson and the singer who looks like she was created in a sexy humid factory by Prince, FKA Twigs. A friend of RPattz and FKATwattz says that after dating for five months, they’re both wearing promise rings. The source goes on to add:
“He wants to marry her. [He's] much more calm and happy than before. They are inseparable when they are together. They live at his house.”
I’d say that comment about being ‘much more happy than before’ was a subtle swipe at RPattz’s first famous girlfriend Kristen Stewart, but that’s a bit of a reach. Even KStew would be like “Eh, no offense taken; I wasn’t thrilled about the situation either” before hollering at Alicia Cargile to put on her shoes for their 4th coffee run of the day.
I’m really happy those two crazy kids found love and are having a good time rubbing their horny bits against each other in The House That Twilight Built, but promise rings? Don’t they seem a little too cool for promise rings? They strike me as more of the Sure, Whatever ring type. Oh well, jewelery is jewelery. Besides, maybe it’s not even an ‘I promise to marry you’ ring; maybe it’s an ‘I promise to always tell you when your hair looks 8-layers of NO‘ ring. That’s the kind of promise ring I can get behind.
And just like that, every one of Giorgio Armani’s employees quit on the spot and are standing in the back of the line at the unemployment office, because they’re not going to be there when Madonna shows up in a cloud of black smoke to destroy what he loves most for shading her. Giorgio Armani is 80, so I’m assuming she’s going to destroy his stash of Wertherio’s Originales (“Wertherio’s Originales” are the Italian version of Werther’s Originals.)
After Madge did an interpretative dance portrayal of MDNA’s second week sales at the Brit Awards last week, she explained in an Instagram post that her Giorgio Armani cape was tied too tight and she couldn’t get it off in time. I’m sure she wrote that Instagram post while sitting on the beautiful chair she made with the bones of the dancer who snatched her to the floor and made her get whiplash. I didn’t take Madge’s comment as a slap to Giorgio Armani, but I guess he did. After his show in Milan, Giorgio Armani told the Associated Press that he wanted to put a hook on the cape, but Madge insisted on ties and you know what a diva bitch she can be.
Giorgio Armani says the bull fighter’s cape that brought down Madonna during a live performance at Brit Awards was meant to be closed with an easy-to-undo hook. She wanted it tied instead.
“Madonna, as we all know, is very difficult,” Armani said with a smile and a shrug backstage after his Emporio Armani show. “That’s all there was to it.”
I love it when fancy Italian pepaw fashion designers bring the bitchiness. Giorgio Armani’s subtle bitchy words are like a defibrillator on my soul. I’m sure Madge won’t be bothered by his words at all and will gladly wear him again. I’m sure that during her next performance of Living For Love, she’ll wear another giant Giorgio Armani cape custom made out of HIS SKIN.
And here’s Madge giving you brothel madam outside of a TV station in Milan last night.
It appears that former fabric store trash heap goblin Lady Gaga’s current life character is that of some sort of Sound of Music-singing heart-shaped engagement ring-wearing normal haired normal person, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that she reached out to Normcore Princess Taylor Swift the other day on Twitter. Also, because if Kanye West lecturing at Oxford has taught me anything, it’s that life is weird and random and makes no goddamn sense.
Billboard says it all started on Sunday when Taylor tweeted the following:
I guess that “living” she’s referring to is the fact that she no longer looks like an undead cartoon corpse or that she was still alive after freezing her wig off in Lake Michigan. Regardless, Lady Gaga decided to respond to Tay Tay’s tweet with her own inspirational message:
Whaaaaaaaat is Lady Gaga talking about? She sounds like she was just tweeting random shit she saw on a collection of thrift store coffee mugs. Life is friends, family, and love. Your prince charming will come. Heart shape + kiss lips (the pattern on a mug that says Keep it steamy, Valentine).
It was nice of Lady Gaga to write back, but I guess she didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift isn’t a boy-crazy bitch anymore. Or maybe Lady Gaga is that forever lovesick friend who finds out you went on a shitty date and she starts blowing up your phone with hopeful shit about there being plenty of fish in the sea and putting up with the rain to get the rainbow and all that. And even when you’re like “it’s cool, don’t worry about it“, she’s like “YOU’RE CLEARLY CRYING INSIDE! LET THE TEARS OUT, GIRL! DANCE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT!!!!” Yeah, I’m sticking with my coffee mug theory.
Speaking of crazy, here’s Gaga dressed for the summer while taking her dog for a winter walk this weekend in NYC: