Because I don’t watch football, I only have the vaguest idea of what Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski’s deal is, but what I’ve gathered from the internet is that he’s 25-year-old muscled-up party animal who likes kittens and plays for the New England Patriots. He also may or may not be the come-to-life version of Moose Mason from Riverdale High. Regardless, all that really matters is that Gronk loves to party, and a video of him busting out some Magic Mike moves in a pair of fluorescent yellow shorts at an EDM festival appeared on the internet, because of course it did.
Gronk was at the Ultra Music Festival in Miami yesterday, and I guess the music was making him feel things in his ass area, because he got on stage and started booty thrusting and air humping as if it was the second half of the Super Booty Bowl and his twerk team was down by 69 points.
I don’t know if the NFL still frowns upon touchdown dances, but maybe after seeing this video, they might reconsider for the sake of increased game attendance. I have zero interest in football, but if there’s any chance a dude in spandex pants will drop to the ground and air fuck the end zone, I’m so there.
The second-stage Pokemon evolution of Channing Tatum, Ryan Phillippe, recently did an interview with Variety, and apropos of nothing, they brought up the fact that he’s 40 now. I guess because Variety wants us all to feel old by thinking about the dude from I Know What You Did Last Summer blowing out 40 candles on his birthday cake or something. But apparently being 40 doesn’t affect him at all, because according to Ryan Phillippe, Ryan Phillippe still passes for a teenager and sometimes for Ava Phillippe’s older brother.
“It’s crazy. And still, I get carded constantly. My daughter hates it, because sometimes people have thought I’m her brother, and she’s freaked out by that.”
Even a deluded trick like Kris Jenner, who’s been desperately working a 4th Kardashian sister game for years now, is like “Sure, Jan.”
But where are these magical liquor stores in Los Angeles that don’t know who Hollywood movie star Ryan Phillippe is? Even if you did know who he was, but wasn’t sure how old he was, all you have to do is reach for a copy of Cruel Intentions from the DVD rack (there’s always a copy of Cruel Intentions for sale on the DVD rack at the liquor store) and realize that shit came out in 1999. And unless the part of Sebastian Valmont was played by a mature-looking fetus, he’s definitely old enough to buy booze.
Feel free to judge for yourself, though. Here’s Ryan leaving a club last week, and sure, he sort of looks young-ish, but dressing in Justin Bieber drag will do that to a person.
In an attempt to appear less like Bethenny Frankel, Page Six says that Bethenny Frankel has hired a team of personality coaches to help her “tone down her shit”. Technically, she didn’t really have to hire anyone, since a couple hits off a non-fat bong would have done the trick, but it sounds like she needed something stronger than weed to chill her out.
According to a source, Bethenny apparently took a long hard look at her life and/or her choices, like her messy divorce from Jason Hoppy and the cancellation of her talk show Bethenny (cough and maybe also that time she thought it would be a good idea to post a picture of herself wearing her 4-year-old daughter’s pajamas cough), and decided she needed to do something to change the public’s perception of her. The source says:
“She’s turned herself into a victim and been told by these coaches to be much more demure, and not be as harsh as she was.”
I still don’t understand why she hired more than one coach; how many people does it take to say “Just stop“?
I get that Bethenny doesn’t want to be Bethenny anymore, but what is Bethenny without Bethenny? I have no idea what any of that means, but I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’d rather take a no-fucks-given Bethenny than the phony demure Stepford Wife version of Bethenny, if only because that would be creepy as hell. Imagine if you took Bethenny’s hyper-realistic Joker mask face and added a pair of soulless eyes? This is supposed to be The Real Housewives of New York, not My Nightmares.
And now in “Things that will make you feel old as hell” news, Britney Spears’ kids are now old enough to do difficult math. And like real difficult, not how-much-will-three-gorditas-and-a-drink-from-Taco Bell-be difficult (which is my current standard for “hard math”). Brit Brit recently confessed to People that Sean Preston and Jayden James have moved past the two plus two stage of their book learnin’, which means she’s having a hard time helping them with their homework. So in order to keep up, she’s taking some math lessons:
“They go to a really hard school, and this week we had three hours of homework [a night]. Some of it is hard for me. Next year when [Preston’s] in fifth grade, he’s going to be doing pre-algebra, and I’m taking classes so I know how to do it!”
Brit Brit gets zero shade from me, because my dumb ass couldn’t even remember which one algebra was. I through algebra was the “If a train is headed west at a speed of 80 miles per hour” one, but it turns out it’s the X over Y equals Z one. Even with two tutors and a set of Math is Easy! VHS tapes, I still failed algebra. It was such a mind fuck: why do I need to solve for X if you already know what X is? Just tell me what X is, you sadistic bastards! My brain still hurts just thinking about it.
Not to mention that you never use that shit in the real world. I’m happy that Brit Brit is trying to be a good parent, but I doubt she’ll ever use the algebra she learned to solve how many Fraps she drank last month. I mean, you don’t need math to know that the answer will always be “lots”.
That sound you just heard was Daddy Knowles frantically shoving what was leftover from his Destiny’s Child yard sale into his mobile retail station (aka his car) and hauling ass to Las Vegas so he can be the first merch vendor in the parking lot.
Page Six says that Destiny’s Child will be reuniting for the first time since Super Bowl XLVII at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards this evening in Las Vegas. I know that seems random as hell, but it’s all happening because Michelle Williams is up for a bunch of awards, and since the only thing Beyonce loves more than a Photoshopped thigh gap is the chance to grab someone else’s spotlight, she’s going and she’s dragging Kelly Rowland with her. A source says Destiny’s Child will be opening the show.
There’s also a rumor that Destiny’s Child’s performance this evening might be their sneaky way of announcing a reunion tour, but Beyonce’s rep (Basement Baby using a pay-as-you-go cellphone on loan from Blue Ivy) says that’s not true.
The Stellar Gospel Music Awards won’t air until next Sunday, so we’ll have to wait a whole week to see just how much Beyonce tried to upstage Kelly and Michelle or if she reused her angel costume from the Grammys. But I think we can all agree their performance will probably look a little something like this:
NO! Beyonce would never! And Beyonce totally won’t walk on stage to accept Michelle’s awards tonight either. Although if I were the Stellar Gospel Music Awards, I might want to think about securing the perimeter for Kanye West.
Sue’s jealous friend from the I Want A Bath commercial!
Thank you to Ann for sending me this I Want A Bath commercial which stars Sue’s nosy and jealous friend in the red cardigan. Sue’s friend is a mess!
First of all, Sue’s friend is nosy as hell. While Sue is making them Tension Tamer tea and slicing up an Entenmann’s crumb cake, she snoops around and goes into the master bathroom. Second of all, Sue’s friend pretty much wants to fuck that walk-in tub. Sue’s friend is definitely feeling the quivers when she grabs that wide door. Third of all, why would Sue be ticked off that her friend got the same tub as her? I would think Sue would be happy that her red cardigan-wearing friend bought that tub, because then she’d no longer have to worry about walking in and catching that tub humper licking and making sweet love to her tub. That soaking tub needs a long soak in a tub after Sue’s friend visits. Sue’s friend is also really, really happy about pissing her off. She is getting off on Sue’s pain! She’s like a brunette Serial Mom. There’s something going on there and I hope they give us the backstory in future commercials.
We should all be so lucky to love something as much as Sue’s friend loves Sue’s tub. If Sue’s friend was a real person, she’d totally star in a TLC special titled I Married Sue’s Tub.
Reba McEntire (60)
Lady Gaga (29)
Sauli Koskinen (30)
Julia Stiles (34)
Kate Gosselin (40)
Shanna Moakler (40)
Richard Kelly (40)
Matt Nathanson (42)
Nick Forst (43)
Mr. Cheeks (44)
Vince Vaughn (45)
Brett Ratner (46)
Cheryl “Salt” James (49)
April Margera (59)
Dianne Weist (67)
Conchata Ferrell (72)
Mike Newell (73)
Here’s Katy Perry giving you executive assistant to the CEO of Hot Topic goth messiness while that adorable dog friend is giving you “ayúdame” eyes. Either that dog is Team Taylor Swift or things are awkward for it because it fucked John Mayer too (but who hasn’t?). – Lainey Gossip
Mimi does carpool karaoke with James Corden and either she’s drunk or I’m drunk or a little of both - OMG Blog
Apparently Kate Upton’s magnificent chichis aren’t magnificent enough for people to ignore her asshole ways – Celebitchy
If you’re hanging around youngins this weekend and need some gossip to talk about, Bella Thorne is dating Pamela Anderson’s son – WWTDD
Dear George Takei, allow me to Crisco up your face and hide razors in your hair before you go after that Indiana trash who signed that anti-gay bill – Towleroad
Kim Kartrashian has some competition in the rib-breaking department – Drunken Stepfather
Claudia Jordan wants Porsha Williams fired from Real Housewives of Atlanta - Reality Tea
For the zero of you out there who haven’t seen it yet, here’s Lindsay Lohan’s ginger nipple – IDLYITW
MiserAlba’s in a bikini - The Superficial
What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Justin Bieber wearing? – Just Jared
You’re So Vain You Think These Tweets Are About You: The Billy Zane Edition – SOW
Molly Sims had a baby and she looks like this – ICYDK
Drea De Matteo lost her home in the East Village explosion – Page Six
And here’s a clip from Karkoochie Tran’s train wreck interview with Iyanla. Guess she doesn’t want her life fixed. – Jezebel
It’s Friday so here’s some MAN NIPPLES – The Berry
And for about 5 seconds I thought this was Hilary Swank in that Amelia Earhart movie – Popsugar
Speaking of real, someone needs to sit him down and have a real conversation about that tragic spider flex headband that begin with the words “Bitch, NO.”
In an attempt to temporarily distract the weeping 10-year-olds from flooding the Earth with their salty sad tears, Zayn Malik gave his first interview since quitting One Direction to The Sun (via Billboard) to explain why he threw all his styling cream in a cardboard box and left. According to Zayn, Zayn wanted to leave One Direction because he was tired of putting on a phony smile every time he stepped on stage and he just wanted to be a normal dude for once:
“I did try to do something that I wasn’t happy doing for a while, for the sake of maybe other’s people’s happiness. And that was mainly the fans. I only ever tried to do it for the fans. I’m only upset [because] I feel like I may have let them down in some sort of way. That’s the main thing that I don’t want to happen. It’s not that I’ve turned my back on them or anything. It’s just that I can’t do that anymore because it’s not real to me.”
“He told everyone in the band and management that he wants to live a normal life and the next thing you know he’s going into music studios and doing interviews with tabloids,” a source close to the band tells People. “Everyone feels a bit misled and thinks he was lying about wanting to live a normal life.”
I’m no Miss Cleo (I wish), but I do not predict this will turn out well. Someone needs to warn him that not every boy bander will have a solo career as illustrious as former boy bander JC Chasez. Yes I said JC Chasez. I’m sorry, but do you see Justin Timberlake landing top-shelf video talent like Tara Reid? I didn’t think so. Zayn, there’s no guarantee you’ll be anywhere near as successful; JC Chasez is the exception, not the rule!
But first, someone needs to warn him about the current state of his hair:
Zayn, just because you quit One Direction doesn’t mean you also have to quit whatever the opposite of this is.
I kid, because 50 Cent is sort of loathsome and I had to opt out of Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ about fifteen minutes in. It was so bad. It was so bad that I axed it knowing there was some prison dick shots coming up. That’s bad. Anyway, the trailer for Jake Gyllenhaal’s boxer flick Southpaw has dropped. You can watch it below.
If you don’t want to actually sit through this film, just watch the trailer. It’s a microcosm of the actual film. It’s the damn Clift Notes. It seemingly just leaves out the very end (wins the fight, gets his daughter back I’m guessing?). Why does Hollywood assume that we’re all slack-jawed hammerheads who need everything spoon fed to us? Hey, I sort of understood Interstellar! I know things! I’m learned and patient enough not to need the movie explained to me so I’ll go see the movie! And so are many others, I’m sure. Hollywood’s the worst.
Is Jake’s dialogue…dubbed… or something? Is that him actually speaking? If so, give that dude an Oscar now cuz’ wow, he really worked on the “from the streets” patter.
And I should probably mention “wow” at the boxing body, but it’s always distracting admiring a jacked guy when there’s blood pouring out of his gob.
Watch the Southpaw trailer (and check out some more screen shots) below.