Archives: March 2015

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

This seemingly magical picture of a weasel friend hitching a ride on a woodpecker friend’s back.

Do not read past this paragraph if you want to stay living in an innocent Disney world where in reality, this green woodpecker and this weasel have a beautiful friendship and are flying up to the top of a mountain peak to eat gooseberry tarts and drink honeysuckle nectar with their other friends, a mongoose and a butterfly, as a baby rattlesnake serenades them with an acoustic version of “Best of Friends.” As they fly so high against the sky, that woodpecker is softly singing to the weasel: “I can show you the wooooorld…. Shining, shimmering, spleeeeeendid. Tell me, weasel, now when did you last let your heart deciiiiiide?” That’s what we want to believe, but well, (SECOND WARNING: Do not click that link if you’re too fragile and innocent to handle the truths of life.) that’s not what’s happening in that picture. The truth is:

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Birthday Sluts

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Ira Glass (56)
Camila Cabello of Fifth Harmony (18)
Yolandi Visser of Die Antwoord (31)
Joshua Duggar (27)
Stacie Orrico (29)
Jessica Biel (33)
Lil’ Flip (34)
Ronan Keating (38)
David Faustino (41)
Matthew Marsden (42)
Tyler Florence (44)
Julie Bowen (45)
Tone Loc (49)
Laura Harring (51)
Jackie Joyner-Kersee (53)
Miranda Richardson (57)
Lee Radziwill (82)

Pic: @iraglass

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Night Crumbs

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Ryan Gosling might have tattooed his daughter’s nickname on his fingers. I fully expect every one of his crazy fangirls to legally change their first name to Esme so that they can tell everyone that their imaginary husband has their name tattooed on his fingers – Lainey Gossip

Brad Pitt’s billy goat beard is slowly making a comeback – Celebitchy

If you want a reason to pull your retinas out of your eyes with a hot knife, here’s a picture of Marilyn Manson grabbing onto Uncle Terry’s dick – Drunken Stepfather

If Bravo really wants to save The Real Housewives of New York, they’d lock those crazy hyenas in a room with Kelly Bensimon and a bag of jelly beans and air a live feed of it – Reality Tea

Justin Bieber is begging Seth Rogen to nail him hard. Come on, Seth, give it to him. He’s aching for it – Jezebel

So what did Twitter get OUTRAGED over this time? - The Superficial

The pride of Germany Micaela Schaefer wins the gold medal in elegance at the HOlympics – Hollywood Tuna

Malika Yoba sort of kind of let it slip that Jamal from Empire loves peen in real-life too – Towleroad

These pictures of Lea Michele are nothing without Jessica Lange ignoring her – Popoholic

Why, hello there, Chris Hemsworth’s nipples - OMG Blog

Words of wisdom from Dr. Seuss on his 111th birthday – The Berry

Two bore-uh bore-uhs honeymooned in Bora Bora (Don’t come for me, Cumberbitches!) – Popsugar

Carly Rae Jepsen is back. – HuffPo

Maggie Smith is leaving Downton Abbey and I will totally start watching that shit if Joan Collins replaces her – Just Jared

Why did the chick who played Cinderella wear her costume to the premiere? – ICYDK

Here’s Natalie Dormer getting Mono in the new Hozier video – Pajiba

Good news, soon you’ll probably get to see real-life troll Ann Coulter get eaten by a shark – SOW

Pic: FameFlynet

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Anna Wintour Is Trying To Get Babies Banned From New York Fashion Week

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

No, North West is not making that sneer face because Anna Wintour wants to ban her from the front row of every New York Fashion Week show. That is probably the best news she’s ever heard, because if it happens she’ll no longer have to suffer through that boring shit. North West is probably throwing a sneer because Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion is holding her while parading her in front of all the paps she called at Heathrow in London. Wouldn’t you throw an “ew“ face too?

The Daily Mail says that the dark priestess of fashion, Anna Wintour, got every designer of every London Fashion Week show she attended to agree to not let babies sit in the audience. Now that Anna has made London Fashion Week a baby-free zone, she’s trying to do the same for New York Fashion Week. Anna is not going to let an encore performance of North West’s Fashion Week cry show happen again. Anna can barely deal with a screaming baby while she’s sucking its soul out in the dungeon under the Death Eaters’ lair, so she really can’t deal with a screaming baby at a fashion show. Some “fashion industry insider” tells Radar that Anna is trying to get the rule “NO BABIES” added to the list of things not allowed at New York Fashion Week, along with No Food and No Smiles.

“Anna doesn’t think fashion shows are appropriate for very young children such as North West. The loud music, the lights from the show, along with flashes from all of the cameras, and of course, all of the people is just overwhelming to a toddler. Anna never would have brought her now-adult children to fashion shows when they were young.”

Like Anna Wintour gives three shits about the well-being of a human baby. She just cares about the well-being of her nerves, because one breaks every time she hears a human child wail. If Anna gets cry babies banned from New York Fashion Week, that means that technically Kanye West and Justin Bieber won’t be allowed to go to shows. New York Fashion Week will be safe again! And I fully expect Kunty Karl to fill the audience of the next Chanel show with nothing but babies. His cackle will wake the dead (“So he’ll wake himself, basically?” – you) when Anna Wintour walks in, sees the babies and screams before turning to dust.

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Farewell To Jared Leto’s Luscious Mane

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

 

It’s been raining practically non-stop in L.A. since yesterday and now I know why. That rain didn’t come from the clouds. The rain was actually tears from the wind who couldn’t stop bawling over Jared Leto chopping off his luxurious locks. The wind just can’t deal with the fact that it’ll be a long time before it gets to twirl through Jared’s enchanting unicorn mane again. Why did Jared Leto have to hurt the wind like that?

Jared Leto no longer looks like Jesus if Jesus arose in the middle of Coachella and got a makeover from a bunch of high hipsters. Jared took a machete to his Jennifer Aniston hair and shaved off his face pubes to play The Joker in Suicide Squad. I guess The Joker just can’t have ombre Jesus hair. Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer tweeted this picture of Jared Leto after he agreed to stop fighting the hot for the sake of his ART!

jaredletohair2015

 

Don’t you just want to tape that picture to the inside of your locker? Dude looks like Jordan Catalano again. I heard that Jared donated his cut-off hair to science who will carefully study it to find the gene in his DNA that explains why he’s 43 years old and still looks like he fell out of his mom’s cooch not too long ago.

Open Post: Hosted By A Dude Jumping Into A Tub Of Coke While Covered In Mentos

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

The Mentos/Diet Coke experiment has been around since the beginning of time, so most of you probably know what happens when the two touch. Mentos are a horny, middle-aged soccer mom and Diet Coke is Fifty Shades of Grey. When the two get together, liquid squirts everywhere. The Coke bottle becomes a geyser. So a YouTuber in Japan decided to find out what would happen if he covered his body in Mentos and then jumped into a tub full of Coke Zero. SPOILER ALERT: You may be disappointed, because dude doesn’t shoot through the roof and end up in the Pacific Ocean. He kind of just sits there in a foamy Coke bath, which looks like Mama June’s idea of a hot tub. The Epic Meal dudes did it better.

While watching this mess, I wondered how is it possible that someone hasn’t shot a YouTube video of them getting a Diet Coke enema after shoving a handful of Mentos up their culos? How has this not happened? I’d do it myself, but my ass has already been through enough.

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Russell Tovey Thanks His Dad For Not Letting Him Become A Huge Flamer

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re looking at the name “Russell Tovey” and are thinking to yourself, “Harpo, who dis woman,” I have two things to tell you. 1. You need to say, “Harpo, who dis manly masculine man,” instead, because Russell ain’t no fem. 2. Russell is an openly gay British actor with perfect blowjob handle ears who is currently on HBO’s Looking and was a wolf in the UK show Being Human for 4 seasons.

One of my first memories of a grown up throwing a curse word in front of me was when I was around 4 or 5. I was playing in the front yard and my dad was doing something in the garage. His friend, who lived across the street from us, walked up the driveway and said to me, “You’re such a fruit.” I thanked him, because I thought he was giving me a compliment. But my dad stopped what he was doing and shouted at the dude, “Say that again and I’ll fuck you up.” Well, if anybody called Russell Tovey a fruit in front of his dad, his dad probably wouldn’t threaten to beat a trick for it. He’d be too busy dragging his son to gay conversion therapy.

Russell did an interview with The Guardian to promote his new BBC show Banished and the big quote making the rounds is the one where he pretty much says he’s glad that he can answer all the Grindr profiles with the words, “MASC4MASC ONLY NO FEMZ” in them. Russell wanted to go to a theater school when he was a kid, but his dad wouldn’t let him. Russell’s glad his dad spit and shat on that idea, because if he went, he might’ve turned into a glitter-farting, sissy big girl queen instead of the big butch Brawny Man he is today.

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Sara Gilbert Gave Birth This Weekend, Which Means Linda Perry Is A Mommy Now

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

If Linda Perry asked the question “What’s going on?” anytime last Saturday, the answer shouted back at her was probably “Your wife’s cervix is 4 centimeters dilated.” According to The Daily Mail, Sara Gilbert spent her Saturday birthing out the baby boy that was chilling out inside her for the past 9 months. This is Sara and Linda’s first baby together, and they’ve named him Rhodes Emilio Gilbert Perry. Sara also has two kids from a previous relationship, a 10-year-old son named Levi and a 7-year-old daughter named Sawyer.

I don’t know if Linda and Sara will refer to their baby as Rhodes or Rhodes Emilio, but I hope they go formal and refer to him as Rhodes Gilbert Perry. Rhodes Gilbert Perry sounds like the name of an old money character from a movie about a messy party slob son who inherits his father’s snobby country club. Rhodes Gilbert Perry’s best friend is Franklin Franklinton III, and they don’t understand what pizza is.

Then again, I’m sure he’s nothing like this Rhodes Gilbert Perry character I’ve invented. Baby Rhodes no doubt spent his 9 months on the inside absorbing as much cool from Mommy Linda as possible. I wouldn’t doubt you if you told me slid out of Sara’s womb wearing an infant-sized necklace out of a set of vintage bronze keys and a knit beanie while riffing on a tiny Les Paul guitar. I don’t know how he got it up there, but leave it to a cool baby to find a way.

And if you want to see what it would look like if Darlene from Roseanne tried to steal a basketball for David, here’s Sara a couple weeks ago before she gave birth:

Pics: Wenn.com

Finally, There’s Photographic Proof That Leonardo DiCatchAHo And RiRi Have Stood Next To Each Other At A Party

March 2, 2015 / Posted by:

After weeks and weeks of rumors that RiRi’s coochie is eating up Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s dick fromage, TMZ says that they have picture proof that she’s boning his Orson Welles-looking ass.

So far, we’ve just had story after story of how RiRi’s punane is touching the peen that has touched a thousand model vaginas. They have never been photographed together and some were starting to think that the whole relationship was some kind of fanfiction that the tabloids shat up. But TMZ says that RiRi and Leonardo have been fuck buddies for about 3 months and that they’re keeping it casual. At RiRi’s birthday party, which Leo threw, the two of them got into some public displays of  ”getting cozy” and that she’s the one who seems more hard up. A source (Hi, Lukas Haas!) tells TMZ that there were dozens of hos at RiRi’s party, but the only ho she wanted to spend time with was Leo.

We’re told Leo is affectionate enough — they engaged in plenty of PDA — but he could barely get a moment to himself. As one source put it, “she’s the baddest bitch in the party, but she’s following him everywhere.”

Getting a case of stage 10 dickmatization over Leonardo circa 2003, okay, but current day Leonardo?! I mean, her chocha probably coughs up beard fleas after he eats her out and she’s still swooning over him? File that under: You know you’re dickmatized in a serious, serious way when…

And here’s TMZ’s proof that these two are rubbing genitals:

They’re standing next to each other while she lights what is probably a blunt so that obviously means they’re fucking. But are we even sure that’s Leo? I mean, it could be Jonah Hill or maybe that hobo who is always outside of my Fresh and Easy and tells me I’m going to hell every time I don’t give him money. I know, he needs to tell me something I don’t know. With that said, RihNardo are the couple that random burped up and I am here for that.

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