Archives: March 2015

As Expected, Beyonce (And Kelly And Michelle) Performed At The Stellar Gospel Music Awards

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though this picture is blurrier than Dina Lohan’s vision, I love that you can still make out the look on Michelle Williams’ face that says “Wait, is my mic even on?” Sidenote: if Michelle Williams or Kelly Rowland or LeToya Luckett ever write a book, that should be the title.

So that Destiny’s Child reunion that was rumored to be happening at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards on Saturday night happened. Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce (who has definitely already filed this performance as a charitable donation on her 2015 taxes) sang the song “Say Yes” from Michelle’s gospel album Journey to Freedom. Yes, they performed one of Michelle’s songs. I know, I too have fallen and I can’t get up. Beyonce even let Michelle stand in the middle and sing on her own, too! Maybe Jesus had a talk with Beyonce back stage before they went on and warned her that if she tried to pull any spotlight-stealing Beyonce bullshit, he’d use his magic Jesus powers to unplug her wind machine.

The actual show doesn’t air till next weekend, but I’ve included a couple clips of Destiny’s Child performing “Say Yes” after the cut.


Trevor Noah Is The New Host Of The Daily Show

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

South African comedian Trevor Noah, 31, has been named as John Stewart’s successor on The Daily Show. Noah first appeared as the show as the “senior international correspondent” back in December. Replacing John Stewart is going to be a big task, because people (well, liberals) LURVE them some John Stewart. He ran things over there for 16 years. John Stewart could dropkick kittens off a dock, and he would still receive love from the liberal-minded, fans of political humor, and those who get moistened over guys with graying hair.

In a statement, Hugh Grant detractor Stewart said that he was “thrilled for the show and for Trevor.” He also joked about rejoining the show as a correspondent just to work with him again.

Trevor will probably work out. He likes booze.

(via NYT)

“You don’t believe it for the first few hours,” Mr. Noah said of learning about his new job. “You need a stiff drink, and then unfortunately you’re in a place where you can’t really get alcohol.”

The poor guy was in Dubai. That place sounds awful. Congrats, Trevor!

Meet Trevor Noah in the video below.

Madge and Taylor Swift Joined Forces At That iHeartRadio Thing Last Night

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Brace yourselves. If Madge is the newest member of Taylor Swift’s Pussy Posse (which is like Leonard DiCatchAHo’s Pussy Posse except that they play with actual kittens instead of model vagina), she’ll be the “~cool~ really, really older sister” of that mob of basics and we’ll soon see pictures on Instagram of her teaching the girls how to suck peen by deep throating a water bottle (or a watermelon) and pictures of her and Tay Tay freezing Lena Dunham’s chonies after everyone passes out in a sugar coma from eating the heart-shaped tarts they made in the Easy Bake Oven.

While dressed like a ringmaster at a circus that doubles as a bordello, Madge sung her new single “Ghosttown” as Taylor Swift played the guitar at the iFartRadio Awards last night. I watched this in my hotel room last night and at first I couldn’t see Tay Tay’s face. I just saw that jacked up blond freshly fucked David Cassidy hair, so I thought it was a really skinny C.C. DeVille in a silky slip. But my hard nipples went soft when I realized it was Tay Tay and not C.C. DeVille in a silky slip.

It’s only Monday, but you may get in your weekly quota of eyeball calisthenics while watching Taylor, who looks like Stevie Nicks’ mop, turn on the sexyface and get all dramatic like she’s Slash or some shit.

Well, the good news is that Madge didn’t try to shock us all by wet scissoring with Tay Tay during the last verse. She’s probably saving that move for the VMAs. And if you somehow didn’t meet your weekly eye roll quota while watching that video, Tay’s tweet might do it. She tweeted that she’s “ugly crying forever” over performing with Madge. Weekly eye roll quota met!

And here’s Tay Tay with all the awards she won last night.

Pics: Getty,


Rihanna Brought “Bitch Better Have My Money” To The iHeartRadio Awards

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know why I kept thinking the iHeartRadio Music Awards were the pearl-clutcher’s wholesome family-friendly alternative to the MTV Video Music Awards, but Rihanna’s performace of “Bitch Better Have My Money” last night and, to a lesser extent, Jamie Foxx’s crack about Bruce Jenner’s balls, confirmed that they definitely are not.

I like my RiRi’s performances extra raunchy (see: her pussy-tapping performance of “Birthday Cake” on SNL), so this left me a bit disappointed. But that doesn’t mean I hated it. I mean, bitch stepped out of a chopper looking like Oscar the Grouch’s slutty little sister. This is the iHeartRadio performance that Cookie Lyon would have given if Cookie Lyon was a real person. Not to mention that all that bright-green fur was giving me shades of old school Lil’ Kim (I’m not the only one); all that was missing was a bright green wig or one of RiRi’s titty tips covered in a sequined stick-on pasty.

And maybe it’s the hand full of buttered popcorn jelly beans I ate for breakfast, but she also sort of looks like the Scrappy-Doo to Lineysha Sparx’s Snatch Game version of Celia Cruz. Absolutely no shade, because that’s a look I can always get behind.

Here’s more of RiRi working that Sesame Streetwalker realness (“Sesame Streetwalkers was brought to you today by the letters S, T, and D, and the number 2 – as in always count your money twice“) after the show.

Pics: Splash

Jamie Foxx Came For Bruce Jenner At The iHeartRadio Music Awards

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Jamie Foxx hosted the iHeartRadio Music Awards in LA last night, and joked about Bruce Jenner transitioning. Here’s what he said. Let me know if you agree with me that Jamie might be stuck in 1986 in his head.

“He’s doing a his and her duet all by himself.”

He’s so edgy. If you’re going to kick a man while he’s going through something, at least make it funny and/or daring. Hell, I’d be more impressed if  you joked about him possibly killing Grandma. Or go for his taste in women. That’s some tired “Open Mike Night” down at the Laff Hut shit for a multimillionaire hosting an awards show. Earn your money, Wanda. Just because Bruce is becoming the ethereal beauty that you will never be or hope to claim as your own, it doesn’t mean you should vent your jealousy by appealing to the transphobic dickfucks (like Pimp Mama Kris) out there.

He also made a joke about how he was busting Bruce Jenner’s balls while he still had them. Fist Brown thought it was hilarious, sitting in the audience all tattooed and purple-haired, looking like Grimace’s girlfriend’s partial abortion. Remain seated, Fist.

Humanity isn’t thrilled with Jamie Fuxx’s (typo and don’t even think it’s not stayin’) lil’ gag, either. CNN posted viewer Tweets slapping him down for his insensitivity. 

The only good to come out of this is that Jamie’s lame joke totally reminded me of this visual and audio candy from whenst I was but a child. I can remember thinking that magic was real!

Check out Jamie Fuxx (I’m starting to like that typo) at the iHeart Radio Awards below.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

This puppy-loving tiny monkey!

I don’t know why this happens or keeps on happening, but it’s Monday again. Until we as a society stop this from happening and get rid of Monday forever, Mondays will continue to fuck with us. But then again, if we got rid of Mondays, Tuesday would become the new Monday. Whatever, what I’m getting at is that since Monday is here to fart on all of our souls and I’ll be in an airplane for a huge chunk the day, I figured we could all use a video of a capuchin monkey covering a litter of brand new fresh-out-of-the-cooch puppies with love, kisses and more love. That little monkey with a Jude Law hairline doesn’t know what to do with all those PUPPEHS!

Now you know that if you ever want a neck massage from a little monkey, just disguise yourself as a puppy. This video is like Prozac-infused weed and I’ll awwww over it until some Debbie Downer bitch comes in and says that puppies have a special kind of dandruff on them that capuchin monkeys are deathly allergic to or that capuchins eat puppies and that little monkey is just massaging the meat.

And I’m going to need an extended director’s cut of this video, because I need to know what happens after that monkey throws a, “Okay, so I pet them, massaged them, kissed them and picked their fleas, so now what?” look.

via People


Birthday Sluts

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Eric Clapton (70)
Allie Gonino (25)
Capri Anderson (27)
Anna Nalick (31)
Norah Jones (36)
Mili Avital (43)
Mark Consuelos (44)
Celine Dion (47)
Donna D’Errico (47)
Piers Morgan (50)
Tracy Chapman (51)
Ian Ziering (51)
MC Hammer (53)
Paul Reiser (58)
Robbie Coltrane (65)
Warren Beatty (78)
Peter Marshall (89)


Open Post: Hosted By The Pissed Off Mom And Dad Who Broke Up A Glamorous Teen Party In 1988

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

And here’s an important historical artifact of 1988 that proves the key ingredients for a glamorous blow-out party are: wine coolers in plastic cups, cigarettes stolen from somebody’s dad, Roxette and two Tina Yothers look-alikes who are dressed like 50-year-old country club wives and who are working the exquisite AquaNet-covered Molly Ringwald bob that everybody worked in the 80s.

Someone uploaded this glamorous blast from 1988 of a major rager (read: 6 teens smoking for the first time while listening to Roxette) that almost blows the roof off of that house until the host’s parents shut that shit down. You know shit is real serious when your mom calls you “kiddo.” It’s like hearing a cop tell you to step out of the vehicle. You know you’re screwed. I bet that dude got put on restriction and he totally missed new episodes of Just The Ten Of Us, because his mom took away his TV privileges. Basically, your life as you know it is OVER when your mom calls you “kiddo.”

And the real star of this video is the dad who says “shithead” at the end. He’s probably pissed because his son and those 80s mom-looking teenage girls smoked his cigarettes and drank his booze.

via Gawker


Mariah Carey Might Be Dating Brett Ratner

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I’d be insulted if my girlfriend had to don a special glove to touch me. Can you really blame her, though, lambs? Hello Kitty’s main bitch Mariah Carey and the cheated-in-the-crotch as well as in-the-personality director Brett Ratner are reportedly an item. He’s directed a couple of her videos, and they’ve apparently been friends for awhile.

There’s a really charming pic of them on TMZ. Mimi looks embarrassed, but is still giving major leg while summoning a deckhand to emancipate Brett’s corpulent’n’ drunk ass off her. Ratner normally looks like what would happen if an 8ball came to life. In this pic, he’s paying homage to every completely sauced messcake who has spied some cleavage and begun imagining he doesn’t reek of trouble or represent regret. “Hi baby, shu wanna buy you a cocktail? How bout’ it? What? You got nice boobies, though. Aw come on, don’t be like that. Bish.” *passes out, strikes head on deck, blood*

TMZ sez that pic was taken on Saturday on a billionaire friend of Ratner’s yacht in St. Barts. Brett’s 46 and Mimi’s 45, so they’re compatible age-wise. But can you even see her letting him in the penthouse? Does Lisa Frank make an at-home hazmat shower?

Check out some pics of them together from Ratner’s Instagram below.  Definitely check out a pic of the two of them with Courtney Love’s crazy ass. Maybe Courtney was looking for some acting tips from halfway-decent actor Mimi. Courtney’s junkie-ass “Elle Dallas” character lit up the screen on Empire! The only part of that bit I believed is when she convincingly fell over that dressing room ottoman whilst high. I guess they discussed Glitter and not Precious. *sad-face*


“Swedish Model” Claims Zayn Malik Slept With Her, Too

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Please note the quotes. I couldn’t even find this gal on Model Mayhem! And have you seen some of the “models” on there? More like mugshots. Martina Olsson, 17, claims she also allegedly assisted former One Direction member Zayn Malik in cheating on his fiancee. That’s her with Zayn on the right.

This bonus mess also allegedly began at the Seduction nightclub in Thailand. That’s the same club where he was photographed with his other sidepiece, Lauren Richardson. Well, the joint IS called Seduction. Maybe they should rename it Cheat. Or Broken Engagement.

Olssen claims she was picked out of the crowd by a security guy and taken to a VIP area to party with the band on the evening of March 16.

“He didn’t mention anything to me about having a fiancée. He was really flirtatious,” she told The Sun (via Daily Mail).

Later, while partying at One Direction’s villa, Olssen claims Zayn invited her to shower with him and things got wetter.

“Straight away when we were in the bathroom he started kissing me. He picked me up and said, “I want you now,” and carried me to the bed,” she said in a assuredly breathless tone as she stared hungrily at the check The Sun cut her.

Zayn is a young dude, and must have a young dude’s stamina. The next night, Olsen claims he got with the Richardson jump-off and then did her again later on. Hope errybody’s on PrEP.

I almost hesitate to use these girls’ real names because tweens are scary. Did you read about those Slenderman kids? Maniacal tweens don’t play. Martina and Lauren better watch their asses, and avoid Seduction and any other similarly named nightclub where boy band people troll for DTF groupies.

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