Archives: March 2015

Jason Bateman Is The Reason Dax Shepard And Kristen Bell Got Married

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Now you know the name of the person to which you can send that muffin basket; I’m sure you want to say a proper thank you for this gorgeous public mouth-humping moment between Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. Frito Pendejo’s past life self Dax Shepard recently told People that if it weren’t for his friend Jason Bateman pressuring him like an old timey hillbilly with a shotgun to marry his girlfriend Kristen Bell, it might never have happened.

“Jason was first to go, ‘Stop fucking around and marry Kristen’. You immediately transitioned into ‘Get her pregnant’” Shepard continued while standing next to his friend. ”I would say you were at the very forefront of cracking the whip on that. And you were dead right.”

Of course, Dax took Michael Bluth’s advice, knocked-up Kristen, got married, then knocked her up again.

Now that we know Jason Bateman has some kind of weird mind control over Dax Shepard and is able to get him to do whatever he says, if I were Kristen Bell, I would be using that to my advantage. For example, like Kristen, I too go nuts for sloths, so my first order of business would be instructing Jason Bateman to convince Dax to buy a sloth. Then another. Then an entire sloth sanctuary. From the window to the wall, sloths dripping down from the ceiling like little furry slow-moving Cirque du Soleil performers.

By the way, if Jason Bateman is taking requests, do you think it would it be too much trouble to ask him if he could convince Dax Shepard to take his shirt off more often?

Attack Of The Clones: Jared Leto Channels Kunty Karl

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian’s yeast infection surprise hair color turned to a bright shade of jealousy green at the Balmain show today when the modern day Dorian Gray named Jared Leto sashayed in while showing that trash heap heffa how the peroxide look is really done.

Five seconds is approximately how long it took Jared Leto to fight the hot again after he stopped fighting the hot by chopping off his ombre Yanni circa 1999 hair. Jared took a Flowbee to his mane to play The Joker in the Suicide Squad movie and he kept the transformation going by bleaching his hair the same color that every teenage trailer park tweaker had in 2002. I’m guessing that Jared is going to keep his transformation into The Joker going by going bright red or bright green. But I, for one, hope he keeps it like this.

I hope this means that in the Suicide Squad movie, The Joker is a cunty, black-hearted German zombie fashion designer who destroys his targets by calling them fat over and over again and who brings Batman to tears by shaming that bitch for wearing black rubber when this season is all about light onyx panda leather. The Joker will also make Superman question everything by saying, “Honey, unless your name is Lupita Nyong’o, don’t try the cape look.” They can even replace Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn with Choupette Lagerfeld. Now THAT is the Suicide Squad movie I want to see.

And here’s more of Jared looking like the golden child of the Death Eaters at the Balmain show in Paris today. And on a different note, the HELL is he wearing? He’s dressed like a toddler whose mom let him pick out his outfit.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Chris Brown’s Baby Has A Name

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

And no, it’s not “Not Chris Brown’s Baby“, which is what it probably wishes it could legally change it to. According to TMZ, the 9-month-old baby that Chris Brown made with a model named Nia is called Royalty. Raise your hand if you too just got a craving for some Royal Milk Tea. TMZ doesn’t say whether or not the baby has her daddy’s last name, but I hope she does, because Royalty Brown kind of sounds like the name of a fancy British drag queen, and I can get behind that 100%.

As of yesterday, it was still sort of up in the air as to the DNA status of Chris Brown’s alleged baby. But the mystery is solved! TMZ says that Chris and Nia both took paternity tests last week, and in the immortal words of Maury Povich, he IS the father (sorry Royalty). They’re also saying that Royalty lives with her mommy in Texas, so Chris has agreed to fly out there on the regular and help raise her (again, sorry Royalty) and has arranged some sort of child support agreement. Wait, is Chris Brown even allowed to cross state lines? I know he’s not allowed to cross the border. Someone better call his probation officer and ask.

But when he does book his ticket on the baby daddy express to Texas, he should just buy one, since it looks like he won’t need a second boarding pass for his former piece Karrueche Tran. I know it’s only been 24 hours since they broke up, but in Karreuche Tran/Chris Brown break-up time, that’s like 16 months. Here’s a single-and-ready-to-mingle Karrueche hitting the club and looking for her next Chris Brown last night:

Pics: Wenn.com

If Draco Malfoy Was A Skanky Alien From V

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

As with most pictures of Kim Kartrashian, my first reaction to this is:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My second reaction is to slow clap for Kanye West, because just when I think there’s no way he can make his dress-up silicone mannequin doll look more ridiculous, he proves me wrong. Kanye really has a gift for turning nearly everything he touches into busted fuckery. I see him throwing a side-eye that says, “I can’t believe this bitch believed me when I said that bleaching her hair with Sally Hansen creme bleach is high fash-un.

Kim showed up to the Balmain show in Paris today looking like what you’d get if you mashed up a picture of a drowned, malnourished Afghan hound and a picture of one of the Matrix twins in MorphThing.com. She looks like the least popular and cheapest Rita Ora impersonator (and Rita Ora is already the least popular and cheapest RiRi impersonator). The look is very “piss on Kum.”

In short: I love it!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And The Hardest-Working Publicist Award Goes To…

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

The poor soul who does PR for Canada’s perpetually constipated-looking preteen hamster boy, Justin Bieber! Congratulations, whoever you are – you really outdid yourself this time. Justin Bieber’s I’m A Big Boy Now tour is still making stops in whatever town will have him, and this time he’s proving he’s a big boy now in Men’s Health magazine. Yes, you read that correctly. Not Boy’s Health or Douchey Spoiled Brat’s Health, but Men’s Health. Does anyone have a dictionary handy to double-check that the definition of the word men is still the same and that we didn’t wake up in some upside-down opposite world this morning?

Justin also brought with him his in-house de-infant Photoshop team to make him look extra buff in the body, and it looks like they worked out whatever kinks they had during his CK training pants campaign (crotch bulge shadows look off, face still looks like child), because I almost believe he no longer has the body of a malnourished baby squirrel. Justin also wants you to know that along with his buff new body, he also has thoughts.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

TS Madison!

TS Madison’s Twitter bio says she’s a trans mogul, recording artist, adult entertainment company owner, Internet celebrity sensation, viral vlogger and Queen of Vine. I need to add “wise philosopher of our time” and “the only self-help guru any of us need” to her bio, because her Vine is a fountain of never-ending wisdom. TS Madison is like Tony Robbins and Deepak Chopra if Tony Robbins and Deepak Chopra spit out some actual useful life tips and words to live by.

The Plato of Vine gifted the Internet with 5 important rules of life earlier this year and I wish I would’ve seen this shit then, because these would’ve been my New Year’s resolutions. I didn’t see it until this week after RuPaul tweeted it a few times. Fuck The Secret. The Secret should be pulled off of the shelves and its publisher should release a new and improved version of it. The improved The Secret should only be one page long and on that page should be the address to this Vine, because this is what you need to know to live life right.

So, to recap, here’s the Tao of TS Madison:

1. Be yourself, bitch.

2. Step your pussy up, honey.

3. Get a jawb.

4. Own a business, bitch.

5. Suck a dick!

I fully expect every hotel, motel, halfway house, bed and breakfast, etc…. to replace the Bible in the nightstand with a paper with these 5 life rules on it. And we pray!

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Birthday Sluts

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Penn Jillette (60)
Alana Blanchard (25)
Jake Lloyd (26)
Shay Carl (35)
Kimberly McCullough (37)
Niki Taylor (40)
Jolene Blalock (40)
Kevin Connolly (41)
Matt Lucas (41)
Eva Mendes (41)
Joel Osteen (52)
Charlie and Craig Reid aka The Proclaimers (53)
Adriana Barraza (59)
Marsha Warfield (61)
Eddy Grant (67)
Elaine Paige (67)
Murray Head (69)
Dean Stockwell (79)
Misao Okawa, the world’s oldest living person (117)

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Night Crumbs

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Cousin Matthew from Downton Abbey is The Beast opposite Emma Watson’s Belle in the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. That skinny thing is the Beast? If the movie was called Beauty and the Twink, then maybe, but the Beast? The Beast’s dick is probably bigger than him. Was Joe ManJello not available? Or Chyna even?  - Just Jared

Ryan Reynolds is guarding his kid’s name like it’s covered in rare diamonds and is the headlining piece at the Louvre – Lainey Gossip

Porsha Williams has no business being a member of the Fashion Police. She needs to be arrested by the Fashion PoliceReality Tea

Noel Gallagher has opened up the library and is reading tricks up and down – Celebitchy

With a little help from Photoshop, Jessica Simpson got back into her Daisy Dukes – The Superficial

Elsa “Tacky” Pataky is in Women’s Health UK looking like she’s trying really hard not to piss in that pool – Drunken Stepfather

For why did I not watch The Bachelor this season?! – Jezebel

The latest trailer for the Avengers: Age of Ultron is out and it’s probably the reason why the streets have turned into a river of nerd cream – Towleroad

What in the HELL kind of GD outfit is Ceiling Eyes wearing? – Hollywood Tuna

Congratulations hipsters, you may have a new lesbian it couple in Cara Delawhatever and St. VincentOMG Blog

Why did Demi Lovato wear a skirt made of tires? – Popoholic

Two things: 1) Wheelchair Jimmy is doing a 34-year-old bartender named Bernice and; 2) There’s a living human on this planet under the age of 75 named Bernice – IDLYITW

Here’s the short film that later became the longer film Whiplash and watch it if you can make it past that still of J.K. Simmons looking like a demon hairless cat sent from the depths of Hell to eat your face – Pajiba

Adam from Girls is scared of the Internet – ICYDK

And here’s a bunch of pictures of Nathan Fillion wearing too many clothes – The Berry

Kelly Clarkson pulled a “never heard of her” on a professional British troll who called her fat – HuffPo

Dear Scott Eastwood, the next time you do a topless staged photo shoot with the paps, can you please not wear that belt. It’s hard to fap with that fugliness blinding me – Popsugar

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Chelsea Handler Denies She Got A Tit Lift By Showing Her Tits On Twitter

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Lately, you may have seen Chelsea Handler’s nipples more than you’ve seen your own, because she has splattered them all over Twitter to fight against Instagram’s anti-nipple policy. Chelsea does have a point, because I saw a topless picture of David Mcintosh on Instagram yesterday and his tits are bigger than hers. Chelsea’s been flashing her chichis more than John Travolta on Mardi Gras night in the Scientology bathhouse and she wants everyone to think she’s protesting for the #FreeTheNipple campaign. But a source tells UsWeekly that the real reason she keeps getting topless on Twitter is because she had her chichis lifted higher and wants to show them off.

The former E! host, who recently turned the big 4-0, had the surgery done because she was “stressed about looking saggy,” an insider tells Us.

“She is obsessed, so she keeps posting,” the source explains of all those topless snaps.

I don’t blame her. If I had my b-hole steamed, bleached and plumped up with fillers, I’d show it off on a billboard and in a public access commercial. But Chelsea quickly slapped that story down with her tits by saying on Twitter that many men have touched her chichis but a plastic surgeon wasn’t one of them. To prove that her chichis haven’t been touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel, she tweeted another picture of her bare chichis. The uncensored pic is after the cut because chichis.

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