Earlier today, a picture from Twitter of Cate Blanchett holding a baby at Sydney Airport made the rounds. I really didn’t think anything of it, because that baby could’ve been the kid of a friend or relative, or maybe Cate rented that child so she could be the first person in First Class to get on that plane. But after Women’s Weekly said that 45-year-old Cate and her 49-year-old husband of 17 years, Andrew Upton, adopted a baby girl, her rep confirmed that they added another kid to their family 5. You’re going to need to take the rest of the day off to read the statement from Cate’s publicist, because it is longer than a Kanye rant and is filled with too many details:
She and her husband, Andrew Upton, have adopted a girl, E! News confirms. A rep for Blanchett tells E! News, “The Upton family [Cate Blanchett and Andrew Upton] have adopted a baby girl. No further details will be provided.”
Cate’s rep didn’t spit up the name of her new baby friend, but Women’s Weekly says the little girl’s name is Vivienne. I don’t know if I believe that Cate and her husband named their new kid Vivienne. Their sons’ names are: Dashiell (he’s 13), Roman (he’s 10) and Ignatius (he’s 6). Those sound like the names of fancy characters in fancy literary masterpieces. So I’m guessing that Cate and Andrew kept with that theme by naming their daughter either Bella Swan or Lucky Santangelo.
Here’s Cate doing an impersonation of Renee Zellweger’s old face outside of Jimmy Kimmel Live! earlier this week.
That’s too bad, because “pitchy stripper” is right up there with “chubby and corny” as one of my favorite reads. During a game of Plead the Fifth on Thursday’s episode of Watch What Happens Live, Kelly Clarkson was asked by the long-lost 4th member of Alvin and the Chipmunks Andy Cohen if she would still liken the horny hillbilly yodels of Miley Cyrus to that of a pitchy stripper. In case your brain isn’t a working Wikipedia entry for Kelly Clarkson, Kelly gave a two-word review of the 2013 VMAs (aka the one where Miley first released her uncooked chicken giblets unto the world) by tweeting the hashtag #pitchystrippers. Naturally, everyone assumed she was talking about pitchy amateur stripper Miley Cyrus, but Kelly Clarkson would like you to know she would NEVER:
“I never said Miley Cyrus! The fact that I tweeted ‘pitchy stripper’ and people thought Miley Cyrus is not my problem. I’m just saying! Never said Miley Cyrus, my man! Everybody else said Miley Cyrus when I did that. That’s not my fault!”
“I am not saying who it was because if I say it’s not, then you’re going to guess somebody else. You’re trying to manipulate me. I’m going to drink more. Soon I’ll say the truth, and then I can blame it on the alcohol.”
Speaking of booze truth, Kelly also admitted that she once dated Justin Guarini during the making of From Justin to Kelly. Well duh, can you blame her? Who could resist the white-hot Sideshow Bob-haired heat and panty-dampening sexuality of 2003-era Justin Guarini? My mouth is getting all kinds of dry just thinking about where he’d put that puka shell necklace.
Here’s the former almost Mrs. Justin Guarini grabbing lunch earlier this week in New York City. Is Kelly wearing ballet flats? In the words of Andy Stitzer: NOOOOO KELLY CLARKSON! That’s how you slip and fall and get an ass crack full of snow.
And now you know what Aaron Carter looks like while he’s eating ass. Thank you for that, AC.
Aaron Carter has been saying “fuckit” to having dignity for months by tweeting about how his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff is his soulmate and he’ll never ever stop trying to win her love back. I almost filed a lawsuit against Aaron at that time, because I developed severe face wrinkles from cringing over him declaring his love for the girl he dated when they were both fetus-aged like he’s a character in the worst Nicholas Sparks book ever. Aaron eventually realized that he needs to stop it with the “Every Step You Take…” shit and vowed to have a seat and keep his lips shout about his undying love for Lizzie McGuire.
That was that until Hilary Duff just had to awaken the stalker beast with blond low lights by talking about him during a recent interview with Cosmo. Hilary, you dumb trick, do not invoke its name! Hilary said this about Aaron slobbering on and on about her on Twatter:
“Him reaching out through social media? It’s ridiculous! But then people do it all the time, like Chris Brown and Karrueche? Come on, guys. Keep it between text messages.”
Since Hilary just had to talk about Aaron, the former Mr. May in the Faces of Meth calendar and former Mr. July in the Bodies of Meth calendar responded to her on Twitter, sort of. Aaron didn’t name names, but let Hilary Duff know that she should keep his name out of her mouth (and then his balls exploded from thinking about him being in Hilary Duff’s chipmunk mouth):
Some shit I just don't get. Stop. Talking. About. It. ….I did.
— Aaron Carter (@aaroncarter) March 5, 2015
Maybe he’s not talking about Hilary. Maybe he’s talking about that dress. Aaron is right, though. Hilary needs to stop obsessing over Aaron obsessing over her. Aaron has really matured and knows that slobbering about her on social media isn’t a good look. Those whores on Twitter don’t understand anyway. So now Aaron only talks about Hilary to the patchwork doll he made out of the panties he stole from her dirty laundry basket while cuddling with it in the room that’s covered with pictures of her. Follow Aaron’s lead, Hilary, and grow the hell up!
Here’s Hilary with her son, doing her daily walk in the front of the paps. I’m sure Aaron has already made a composite of what their baby would look like in one of those morph programs and posted that picture over the face of Hilary’s son.
I believe that smile on Neil Patrick Harris’ face is the wordless equivalent to Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Even though Neil Patrick Harris is a charming high-energy singing dancing machine that was built in a handsome showbiz robot factory, hosting the Oscars this year apparently really drained his battery and wore down his entertainment processor and he doesn’t think he can do it again. During a recent interview with HuffPo, Doogie Howser admitted that unless they upgrade his circuitry, he probably won’t be back to host the Oscars for a second time:
“I don’t know that my family nor my soul could take it. It’s a beast. It was fun to check off the list, but for the amount of time spent and the understandable opinionated response, I don’t know that it’s a delightful balance to do every year or even again.”
“It’s so difficult for one who’s simply watching the show to realize just how much time and concession and compromise and explanation has gone into almost every single thing…And I’m not saying that to defend everything I said as if it was the absolute best choice, but it’s also an award show, and you’re powering through 14 acts filled with 20 plus awards. So my job was to try and keep things as light and specific to this year’s set of films as possible. And if people are critical of that, it’s a big giant platform, so I would assume that they would be.”
It doesn’t really matter what famous type is hosting, people at home will hate it, because the Oscars are 4 hours long and boring as hell. And if you want someone to watch Neil Patrick Harris sing and dance for 4 hours, you gotta make it worth it; for example, give NPH a sidekick, like that entertaining bitch Purin the Beagle. And then replacing NPH with a talented cat. There, problem solved!
This guy’s manspreading might be annoying, but his other half’s a real asshole. – GuestStop
Couch test dummy. – Tart of Darkness
Mason, the climbing cat of Russia!
When I lived in NYC, I had to take my dog downstairs to empty his bladder three times a day (I know, life is hard. Thank you for the prayers during that difficult time.) and I always dreamed about making some basket elevator thing. You know, I’d put him in the basket elevator, lower him down to the sidewalk and after he was done pissing, he’d jump back in the basket elevator and I’d pull him back up. (Even if he learned how to use the basket elevator, he would never use it, because if he has to freeze his butt glands off, so do I.)
But anyway, as I watched this video of the climbing pussy of Russia this morning, I wondered where this cat was years ago when I needed him. He could’ve come to America and trained my dog to use a towel rope to get up into his apartment. Evgeny Kochetkov uploaded this video of his pussy Mason climbing up the towel he dropped from his window. If that cat could speak human words, it would scream, “Рапунцель , Рапунцель , опустил свое полотенце!” (Note: That’s supposed to be “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your towel” in Russian, but if it means something totally different and I just cursed a bitch out or ordered a fish dish, blame Google Translate.)
Dear Hollywood, we do not need any more remakes or reboots, but I won’t be mad if you remake Cliffhanger starring Mason. The pussy can even do his own stunts!
via Happy Place
Connie Britton (48)
Tyler, The Creator (24)
Bubba Sparxxx (38)
Beanie Sigel (41)
Shaquille O’Neal (43)
Amy Pietz (46)
Moira Kelly (47)
Madonna Wayne Gacy (51)
D.L. Hughley (52)
Tom Arnold (56)
Alberta Watson (60)
Jacklyn Zeman (62)
Stedman Graham (64)
Anna Maria Horsford (67)
Stephen Schwartz (67)
Rob Reiner (68)
Kiki Dee (68)
Mary Wilson (71)
Gabriel García Márquez (88)
Goopy Paltrow hung out with The Seinfelds at a benefit yesterday and I’m sure at one point Goopy told them that Jessica Seinfeld’s hair is the exact shade of the caca water she shits up when she gets an enema after a 45-day kumquat seed and dolphin saliva fast- Lainey Gossip
Matthew Perry plays video games all day and never changes his sheets, so basically he’s like a 12 year old boy with a fake tanner obsession – Celebitchy
Rita Ora is wearing a trash bag dress and well, the jokes write themselves – Drunken Stepfather
I see that Teen Mom Jenelle’s relationships are still the epitome of stable and healthy – Reality Tea
Diablo Cody is rewriting the Barbie movie and she better write a scene where Magic Earring Ken gets caught blowing Allan Sherwood in Barbie’s Dreamhouse – Jezebel
Bill Cosby’s latest accuser wants him to tell the truth – The Superficial
FYI: The paps are still taking pictures of Ashley Greene – IDLYITW
Eva Longoria’s dress is so damn tight that I can practically see what she had for lunch. She had a kale salad with a crab cake, by the way – Popoholic
I’m still waiting for a Sherlock movie starring Detective La Toya, but I’ll take one starring Ian McKellan in the meantime – Towleroad
Please tell me David Gandy plays Patsy’s nudist boy toy in the AbFab movie – OMG Blog
Here’s Bob Barker pouring piss from a bedpan onto Adam Sandler’s head if you’re into that sort of thing- Hollywood Tuna
This panty creamer parade has way too many towels in it – The Berry
Martha Stewart will roast Justin Bieber. It’s a good thing – SOW
Benji Madden used the word “bae,” so does that mean that the word “bae” is officially dead and buried now? – Popsugar
And sex seconds after this picture was taken, Kim Zolciak’s wig popped off from the pressure of it all – HuffPo
If Olivia Pope doesn’t snatch that $4 polyester wig off of Lena Dunham’s head…. – Just Jared
Jeremy Sisto is sad he didn’t get Leonardo DiCaprio’s role in Titanic. I’m sure his checking account and agents are sad too – ICYDK
I’ve been trying to read Dark Places by Gillian Flynn for at least a year. Like Jon Hamm trying to fuck an extra tight hole, I can’t get into it all the way. I speed read through her other books, Gone Girl and Sharp Objects, in a quick minute, but Dark Places is just not holding me. I make it to about 10 pages before I say to myself, “I would rather be watching porn or Love It Or List It,” so I drop my Kindle and go and do that. I have stopped and re-started that book at least 5 times. I finally said “fuckit” after finding out the movie’s coming out this year, because we all know that the movie is ALWAYS better than the book. But then I watched the French trailer today and um…well….
The French trailer came out first, because it opens in France on April 8th. It doesn’t have a US release date yet.
Charlize Theron feels beyond miscast in this shit. When I read it, I pictured a busted and raggedy Amy Adams. The character is supposed to be kind of plain and broke off. Charlie went all out for Monster, but they didn’t even try to homely her up for this mess. They put a ball cap on her head and called it a day. And the movie just looks like one long low-budget truTV reenactment. Shit, I guess I have to try to finish the book after all.
TMZ says that a small plane piloted by Harrison Ford crash landed on the Penmar golf course in Venice, CA today. He was apparently busted up pretty bad and had to be taken to the hospital.
Harrison was reportedly the only one in the 2-seater plane went shit got serious and he crashed into the golf course. He had several gashes to his head and was bleeding. Luckily there were a couple of doctors playing golf nearby and they treated his wounds the best that they could before the paramedics came and shuffled him off to the hospital. The Los Angeles Fire Department tells the NYDN that there was a crash at the golf course and that one person was critically injured. One person on Twitter said that his mom was playing golf at the time and helped him out. According to her, he seemed okay.
TMZ also points out that Harrison has been flying planes and helicopters for a long time and he has had to crash land at least twice in the past.
NOT HARRISON FORD! Quick! Form a prayer circle for Harrison Ford while throwing a side-eye at Reggie (because you know he had something to do with this).
UPDATE: The Los Angeles Fire Department said in a press conference that 72-year-old Harrison is in “fair to moderate condition” and was “alert, conscious, and breathing” when paramedics took him to the hospital. He’s being treated at the hospital now and none of his injuries are life-threatening. So I guess it’s safe to make “Get off my plane” jokes now. I guess if you have to crash land somewhere, it should be a golf course in Los Angeles, because that’s the place where you’ll find doctors in the middle of the afternoon on a goddamn weekday.
UPDATE II: Harrison’s son tweeted this:
At the hospital. Dad is ok. Battered, but ok! He is every bit the man you would think he is. He is an incredibly strong man.
— Chef Ben Ford (@ChefBenFord) March 6, 2015