After what felt like a 16-month pregnancy, Carrie Underwood has finally given birth to the baby put inside her by her Canadian hockey husband Mike Fisher. Carrie announced the news that she gave birth to a baby boy on Instagram by posting a picture of a tiny baby hand with the caption: “Tiny hands and tiny feet…God has blessed us with an amazing gift! Isaiah Michael Fisher – born on February 27. Welcome to the world, sweet angel!”
I’m guessing she’s saving a real picture of her baby for whatever magazine cover she lands on proclaiming MY BABY JOY or MEET MY MIRACLE as her baby makes a confused “what is happening?” face.
Carrie is both a famous type and a country girl, and Mike is a famous type hockey dude, so I even though I didn’t really care one way or another, I just assumed they’d name their baby something like Waylon Windchimes Gordie. But they went with Isaiah Michael, which is surprisingly normal and boring for two famous types. Eh, good for them – I suppose not every baby that falls out of a famous vagina has to be a Sporaticus Alphonsé or a Parsley Williamsburg Turntable.
The next time you’re at a family reunion and you’re watching your uncles drunkenly fight on the patio after one of them said that the other one’s wife has lonjas for days, try to ignore the sound of your auntie hysterically screaming while trying to break up the fight with her shoe and think to yourself, “Well, at least they’re not AS trashy as Bobby Brown’s family.”
When Bobby Brown’s family got into that big, messy fight at his birthday party, they probably realized that the next time they fight, it should be in front of cameras, because they might as well get paid for their trashiness. That IS the American way, after all. TMZ says that as Bobbi Kristina Brown remains in a coma, her family on her dad’s side is shooting their own reality show. Bobby’s two sisters, Tina and Leolah, his brother and their kids are shooting the show. Bobby’s lawyer claims that he’s not involved and won’t be in it at all. They haven’t shot inside of Bobbi Kristina Brown’s hospital room and I’m guessing it’s not because they still have a sliver of decency left. The hospital probably won’t let them. But they regularly talk about Bobbi Kristina’s condition at home while the cameras are rolling.
TMZ says that Leolah pushed herself into the news shortly after Whitney Houston’s death when she blamed Ray-J for enabling Nippy’s coke habit. Tina is the one who broke a bottle on her son’s head during that family fight and she also once admitted to smoking crack with Nippy.
This is not the sequel to Being Bobby Brown I wanted or needed. I wanted more popping doody bubble talk and no life support talk.
Page Six says that it’s not known if a network is involved at this point yet. Hmm… I wonder which network would actually pay money for this mess. The answer: ALL OF THEM (but you know it’s going to be TLC).
Seen above looking like a next-level batshit crazy version of Steve Jobs, Kanye West gave a lecture at Oxford University in London on Monday afternoon, and it was pretty much exactly what you’d imagine a lecture at a fancy English university from America’s delusional tantrum-throwing adult toddler would sound like. Picture the nonsense public bus rantings of a dude who wears a coat made from McDonald’s burger wrappers and a mangy ferret on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot, except if that dude was rich and famous and married to Kim Kardashian.
Kanye’s lecture wasn’t recorded and no pictures were allowed, probably because technology hasn’t advanced enough to truly capture his genius or some such bullshit, but thankfully student news site The Tab Oxford managed to capture the best, most Kanye-y bits and post them on Twitter.
“That’s nice, dear.” — Lindsay Lohan, who performs this trick with an Arab prince suctioned onto each udder. – THE Eunice Burns
Mortar Kombat – HoneyChileNO
This seemingly magical picture of a weasel friend hitching a ride on a woodpecker friend’s back.
Do not read past this paragraph if you want to stay living in an innocent Disney world where in reality, this green woodpecker and this weasel have a beautiful friendship and are flying up to the top of a mountain peak to eat gooseberry tarts and drink honeysuckle nectar with their other friends, a mongoose and a butterfly, as a baby rattlesnake serenades them with an acoustic version of “Best of Friends.” As they fly so high against the sky, that woodpecker is softly singing to the weasel: “I can show you the wooooorld…. Shining, shimmering, spleeeeeendid. Tell me, weasel, now when did you last let your heart deciiiiiide?” That’s what we want to believe, but well, (SECOND WARNING: Do not click that link if you’re too fragile and innocent to handle the truths of life.) that’s not what’s happening in that picture. The truth is:
Ira Glass (56)
Camila Cabello of Fifth Harmony (18)
Yolandi Visser of Die Antwoord (31)
Joshua Duggar (27)
Stacie Orrico (29)
Jessica Biel (33)
Lil’ Flip (34)
Ronan Keating (38)
David Faustino (41)
Matthew Marsden (42)
Tyler Florence (44)
Julie Bowen (45)
Tone Loc (49)
Laura Harring (51)
Jackie Joyner-Kersee (53)
Miranda Richardson (57)
Lee Radziwill (82)
Ryan Gosling might have tattooed his daughter’s nickname on his fingers. I fully expect every one of his crazy fangirls to legally change their first name to Esme so that they can tell everyone that their imaginary husband has their name tattooed on his fingers – Lainey Gossip
Brad Pitt’s billy goat beard is slowly making a comeback – Celebitchy
If you want a reason to pull your retinas out of your eyes with a hot knife, here’s a picture of Marilyn Manson grabbing onto Uncle Terry’s dick – Drunken Stepfather
If Bravo really wants to save The Real Housewives of New York, they’d lock those crazy hyenas in a room with Kelly Bensimon and a bag of jelly beans and air a live feed of it – Reality Tea
Justin Bieber is begging Seth Rogen to nail him hard. Come on, Seth, give it to him. He’s aching for it – Jezebel
So what did Twitter get OUTRAGED over this time? - The Superficial
The pride of Germany Micaela Schaefer wins the gold medal in elegance at the HOlympics – Hollywood Tuna
Malika Yoba sort of kind of let it slip that Jamal from Empire loves peen in real-life too – Towleroad
These pictures of Lea Michele are nothing without Jessica Lange ignoring her – Popoholic
Why, hello there, Chris Hemsworth’s nipples - OMG Blog
Words of wisdom from Dr. Seuss on his 111th birthday – The Berry
Two bore-uh bore-uhs honeymooned in Bora Bora (Don’t come for me, Cumberbitches!) – Popsugar
Carly Rae Jepsen is back. – HuffPo
Maggie Smith is leaving Downton Abbey and I will totally start watching that shit if Joan Collins replaces her – Just Jared
Why did the chick who played Cinderella wear her costume to the premiere? – ICYDK
Here’s Natalie Dormer getting Mono in the new Hozier video – Pajiba
Good news, soon you’ll probably get to see real-life troll Ann Coulter get eaten by a shark – SOW
No, North West is not making that sneer face because Anna Wintour wants to ban her from the front row of every New York Fashion Week show. That is probably the best news she’s ever heard, because if it happens she’ll no longer have to suffer through that boring shit. North West is probably throwing a sneer because Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion is holding her while parading her in front of all the paps she called at Heathrow in London. Wouldn’t you throw an “ew“ face too?
The Daily Mail says that the dark priestess of fashion, Anna Wintour, got every designer of every London Fashion Week show she attended to agree to not let babies sit in the audience. Now that Anna has made London Fashion Week a baby-free zone, she’s trying to do the same for New York Fashion Week. Anna is not going to let an encore performance of North West’s Fashion Week cry show happen again. Anna can barely deal with a screaming baby while she’s sucking its soul out in the dungeon under the Death Eaters’ lair, so she really can’t deal with a screaming baby at a fashion show. Some “fashion industry insider” tells Radar that Anna is trying to get the rule “NO BABIES” added to the list of things not allowed at New York Fashion Week, along with No Food and No Smiles.
“Anna doesn’t think fashion shows are appropriate for very young children such as North West. The loud music, the lights from the show, along with flashes from all of the cameras, and of course, all of the people is just overwhelming to a toddler. Anna never would have brought her now-adult children to fashion shows when they were young.”
Like Anna Wintour gives three shits about the well-being of a human baby. She just cares about the well-being of her nerves, because one breaks every time she hears a human child wail. If Anna gets cry babies banned from New York Fashion Week, that means that technically Kanye West and Justin Bieber won’t be allowed to go to shows. New York Fashion Week will be safe again! And I fully expect Kunty Karl to fill the audience of the next Chanel show with nothing but babies. His cackle will wake the dead (“So he’ll wake himself, basically?” – you) when Anna Wintour walks in, sees the babies and screams before turning to dust.
It’s been raining practically non-stop in L.A. since yesterday and now I know why. That rain didn’t come from the clouds. The rain was actually tears from the wind who couldn’t stop bawling over Jared Leto chopping off his luxurious locks. The wind just can’t deal with the fact that it’ll be a long time before it gets to twirl through Jared’s enchanting unicorn mane again. Why did Jared Leto have to hurt the wind like that?
Jared Leto no longer looks like Jesus if Jesus arose in the middle of Coachella and got a makeover from a bunch of high hipsters. Jared took a machete to his Jennifer Aniston hair and shaved off his face pubes to play The Joker in Suicide Squad. I guess The Joker just can’t have ombre Jesus hair. Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer tweeted this picture of Jared Leto after he agreed to stop fighting the hot for the sake of his ART!
Don’t you just want to tape that picture to the inside of your locker? Dude looks like Jordan Catalano again. I heard that Jared donated his cut-off hair to science who will carefully study it to find the gene in his DNA that explains why he’s 43 years old and still looks like he fell out of his mom’s cooch not too long ago.
The Mentos/Diet Coke experiment has been around since the beginning of time, so most of you probably know what happens when the two touch. Mentos are a horny, middle-aged soccer mom and Diet Coke is Fifty Shades of Grey. When the two get together, liquid squirts everywhere. The Coke bottle becomes a geyser. So a YouTuber in Japan decided to find out what would happen if he covered his body in Mentos and then jumped into a tub full of Coke Zero. SPOILER ALERT: You may be disappointed, because dude doesn’t shoot through the roof and end up in the Pacific Ocean. He kind of just sits there in a foamy Coke bath, which looks like Mama June’s idea of a hot tub. The Epic Meal dudes did it better.
While watching this mess, I wondered how is it possible that someone hasn’t shot a YouTube video of them getting a Diet Coke enema after shoving a handful of Mentos up their culos? How has this not happened? I’d do it myself, but my ass has already been through enough.