It’s been raining practically non-stop in L.A. since yesterday and now I know why. That rain didn’t come from the clouds. The rain was actually tears from the wind who couldn’t stop bawling over Jared Leto chopping off his luxurious locks. The wind just can’t deal with the fact that it’ll be a long time before it gets to twirl through Jared’s enchanting unicorn mane again. Why did Jared Leto have to hurt the wind like that?
Jared Leto no longer looks like Jesus if Jesus arose in the middle of Coachella and got a makeover from a bunch of high hipsters. Jared took a machete to his Jennifer Aniston hair and shaved off his face pubes to play The Joker in Suicide Squad. I guess The Joker just can’t have ombre Jesus hair. Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer tweeted this picture of Jared Leto after he agreed to stop fighting the hot for the sake of his ART!
Don’t you just want to tape that picture to the inside of your locker? Dude looks like Jordan Catalano again. I heard that Jared donated his cut-off hair to science who will carefully study it to find the gene in his DNA that explains why he’s 43 years old and still looks like he fell out of his mom’s cooch not too long ago.
The Mentos/Diet Coke experiment has been around since the beginning of time, so most of you probably know what happens when the two touch. Mentos are a horny, middle-aged soccer mom and Diet Coke is Fifty Shades of Grey. When the two get together, liquid squirts everywhere. The Coke bottle becomes a geyser. So a YouTuber in Japan decided to find out what would happen if he covered his body in Mentos and then jumped into a tub full of Coke Zero. SPOILER ALERT: You may be disappointed, because dude doesn’t shoot through the roof and end up in the Pacific Ocean. He kind of just sits there in a foamy Coke bath, which looks like Mama June’s idea of a hot tub. The Epic Meal dudes did it better.
While watching this mess, I wondered how is it possible that someone hasn’t shot a YouTube video of them getting a Diet Coke enema after shoving a handful of Mentos up their culos? How has this not happened? I’d do it myself, but my ass has already been through enough.
If you’re looking at the name “Russell Tovey” and are thinking to yourself, “Harpo, who dis woman,” I have two things to tell you. 1. You need to say, “Harpo, who dis manly masculine man,” instead, because Russell ain’t no fem. 2. Russell is an openly gay British actor with perfect blowjob handle ears who is currently on HBO’s Looking and was a wolf in the UK show Being Human for 4 seasons.
One of my first memories of a grown up throwing a curse word in front of me was when I was around 4 or 5. I was playing in the front yard and my dad was doing something in the garage. His friend, who lived across the street from us, walked up the driveway and said to me, “You’re such a fruit.” I thanked him, because I thought he was giving me a compliment. But my dad stopped what he was doing and shouted at the dude, “Say that again and I’ll fuck you up.” Well, if anybody called Russell Tovey a fruit in front of his dad, his dad probably wouldn’t threaten to beat a trick for it. He’d be too busy dragging his son to gay conversion therapy.
Russell did an interview with The Guardian to promote his new BBC show Banished and the big quote making the rounds is the one where he pretty much says he’s glad that he can answer all the Grindr profiles with the words, “MASC4MASC ONLY NO FEMZ” in them. Russell wanted to go to a theater school when he was a kid, but his dad wouldn’t let him. Russell’s glad his dad spit and shat on that idea, because if he went, he might’ve turned into a glitter-farting, sissy big girl queen instead of the big butch Brawny Man he is today.
If Linda Perry asked the question “What’s going on?” anytime last Saturday, the answer shouted back at her was probably “Your wife’s cervix is 4 centimeters dilated.” According to The Daily Mail, Sara Gilbert spent her Saturday birthing out the baby boy that was chilling out inside her for the past 9 months. This is Sara and Linda’s first baby together, and they’ve named him Rhodes Emilio Gilbert Perry. Sara also has two kids from a previous relationship, a 10-year-old son named Levi and a 7-year-old daughter named Sawyer.
I don’t know if Linda and Sara will refer to their baby as Rhodes or Rhodes Emilio, but I hope they go formal and refer to him as Rhodes Gilbert Perry. Rhodes Gilbert Perry sounds like the name of an old money character from a movie about a messy party slob son who inherits his father’s snobby country club. Rhodes Gilbert Perry’s best friend is Franklin Franklinton III, and they don’t understand what pizza is.
Then again, I’m sure he’s nothing like this Rhodes Gilbert Perry character I’ve invented. Baby Rhodes no doubt spent his 9 months on the inside absorbing as much cool from Mommy Linda as possible. I wouldn’t doubt you if you told me slid out of Sara’s womb wearing an infant-sized necklace out of a set of vintage bronze keys and a knit beanie while riffing on a tiny Les Paul guitar. I don’t know how he got it up there, but leave it to a cool baby to find a way.
And if you want to see what it would look like if Darlene from Roseanne tried to steal a basketball for David, here’s Sara a couple weeks ago before she gave birth:
Finally, There’s Photographic Proof That Leonardo DiCatchAHo And RiRi Have Stood Next To Each Other At A Party
After weeks and weeks of rumors that RiRi’s coochie is eating up Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s dick fromage, TMZ says that they have picture proof that she’s boning his Orson Welles-looking ass.
So far, we’ve just had story after story of how RiRi’s punane is touching the peen that has touched a thousand model vaginas. They have never been photographed together and some were starting to think that the whole relationship was some kind of fanfiction that the tabloids shat up. But TMZ says that RiRi and Leonardo have been fuck buddies for about 3 months and that they’re keeping it casual. At RiRi’s birthday party, which Leo threw, the two of them got into some public displays of ”getting cozy” and that she’s the one who seems more hard up. A source (Hi, Lukas Haas!) tells TMZ that there were dozens of hos at RiRi’s party, but the only ho she wanted to spend time with was Leo.
We’re told Leo is affectionate enough — they engaged in plenty of PDA — but he could barely get a moment to himself. As one source put it, “she’s the baddest bitch in the party, but she’s following him everywhere.”
Getting a case of stage 10 dickmatization over Leonardo circa 2003, okay, but current day Leonardo?! I mean, her chocha probably coughs up beard fleas after he eats her out and she’s still swooning over him? File that under: You know you’re dickmatized in a serious, serious way when…
And here’s TMZ’s proof that these two are rubbing genitals:
Leonardo DiCaprio & Rihanna — First Photo!! Banging, But It's a Little One-Sided http://t.co/lv0FWYeU8S
— TMZ (@TMZ) March 2, 2015
They’re standing next to each other while she lights what is probably a blunt so that obviously means they’re fucking. But are we even sure that’s Leo? I mean, it could be Jonah Hill or maybe that hobo who is always outside of my Fresh and Easy and tells me I’m going to hell every time I don’t give him money. I know, he needs to tell me something I don’t know. With that said, RihNardo are the couple that random burped up and I am here for that.
Seen above making the same face I make when I buy $100 worth of vegetables in an attempt to convince myself that I will juice every day because juice is delicious and healthy for me and I’ll totally drink it every morning and oh god no no no why does it taste like a beet took a dirty dump in my mouth, unofficial coochie lobbyist Cameron Diaz spoke to Cosmopolitan UK about how you won’t find her posting drowsy porn face selfies on Instagram, because she isn’t here for that nonsense:
“I think social media is a crazy-ass experiment on society. The way people use it to get validation from a bunch of strangers is dangerous. What’s the point?”
Ah, to be a fly on the wall during the conversation that began with a sad-looking Benji Madden complaining that his Cameron tattoo selfie only got 15,200 likes on Instagram. “Babe, what gives? I thought I’d get at least 20.”
I get what Cammy D is saying about social media being dangerous, because I think we’ve all been to that deep, dark place that exists when you combine a lonely night with too much wine and a mental list of your exes. But what I wouldn’t give to read what Cammy has to say on Twitter. I feel like if at any given time you were to enter Cammy’s brain Magic School Bus-style, it would be like a Willy Wonka world of dong thoughts. And that’s practically why Twitter was invented, right? So the good people of this world could read shit like “@CammyDeezNuts: If you get dick lube on your face, don’t worry – just wipe it off with yr panties #tips“.
Here’s Cammy in Cosmo UK working that someone tell the pool boy to fetch me another vodkarita realness, because why not:
Yesterday morning, Lake Michigan was filled with more shriveled-up dicks and frostbitten pussies than an orgy in an igloo when a bunch of brave bitches gladly froze their nipples off in the name of charity. The Chicago Tribune says that almost 5,000 people did the Polar Plunge into Lake Michigan in Chicago to raise money for the Special Olympics. They set a record yesterday by raising $1.5 million in just one day. Two of the people who risked pneumonia of the ass lips for charity were hot piece Taylor Kinney (no comment on his douchey back tattoo which belongs on the side of a van) and Lady Gaga who looked like Snow Miser in bad drag thanks to that frozen wig.
The Chicago Tribune said that the Special Olympics knew that Taylor, his Chicago Fire cast mates and Vince Vaughn were going to jump into that ice cold slushie, but they didn’t know that Lady CaCa was going to do it until minutes beforehand:
“She’s pure heart,” said Casey Hogan, president of Special Olympics Chicago and its fundraising arm Special Children’s Charities. “She came out for the cause — low-key, no press. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
The only reason to dip into icy waters is if it’s for charity, you’re getting paid thousands of dollars to do it, that necklace from Titanic is at the bottom or a topless Taylor Kinney grabs your hand and leads you into it. Below is video of the Polar Plunge. Keep a blow dryer nearby, because watching it may put icicles on your eyelashes.
All those people are cold, confused, wet and covered in ice…. Now they know how every baby who was pulled out of Nicole Kidman feels.
Oh, to be a paramedic in Chicago yesterday. As soon as Taylor Kinney came out of that icy lake, I’d grab his hand, push Gaga aside and tell him that his peen is in danger of catching hypothermia and I must save it by doing mouth-to-mouth while warming it up with my hands.
Pics: Getty, Splash/INF
For the past couple years, Jennifer Garner sort of did the slow two-step away from her career as a movie star so she could stay at home and raise the three kids she made with Ben Affleck. However, during an event to promote her new movie Danny Collins, Jennifer Garner admitted that she’s decided to go back to work:
“I’ve been home for a long time. It’s my turn and I’m going to go to work this spring. I think I’ll work the spring and summer, maybe the fall too, as long as some of it’s at home. I don’t think my deals are done yet so I can’t say, but yeah, I’m about to go to work.”
But it sounds like Ben shouldn’t be fitting himself for a pair of Dad’s Choice™ relaxed-fit sweatpants and memorizing the kids carpool schedule just yet; according to Jen, it’s not a workie-tradesies situation. Nope, they’re both going to be working:
“Ben is super busy and I’m super happy for him. I chose to stay home this year and just said, ‘Go for it babe. Do it all. Do Gone Girl, do Batman, do The Accountant. Do everything.’ I want that for him and I’m happy for him. And he says the same to me. Except that he’s really busy. But he understands that when I really have to do it, we figure it out.”
I really hope that one of those things she really has to do is a sequel to 13 Going on 30, because I would be lying if I said that was not something I wanted in my life.
Ben Affleck has always struck me as an adult-sized kid type, so I hope he’ll be ok when his wife goes back to work. Otherwise, Jennifer Garner is going to have to get used to the director yelling cut every 10 minutes so that she can take a call from him asking how to make microwave burritos. “Ben, I already told you – if you don’t know, ask one of the other kids. Besides, didn’t I leave you $20 for pizza? What did you do with the money? Ben, put Violet on the phone…“
Fairy godmothers everywhere probably just started texting all the other fairy godmothers about how they might as well quit, because it’s only a matter of time before Tracy Flick’s more ambitious cousin Taylor Swift puts them out of a job. “I heard she rented out the Eiffel Tower so her godchild could have a private pizza dinner with Beyonce. The last thing I did for mine was turn a pumpkin into a coach. I can’t compete with that!”
The most adult member of Taylor Swift’s popular high school girls clique, Jaime King, is currently knocked up with her second child, and she decided to ask Tay Tay to be the baby’s godmother. Congrats, baby – you won the lottery, and you’re not even born yet! Taylor announced the news by posting a picture of her rubbing on Jaime’s pregnant stomach to Instagram last night with the caption: “Guess who just got named Godmother of this little one….. (ME)“. And Jaime double-confirmed the news by posting the following:
That looks like 97% of the awkward amateur photographer pregnancy photo shoots I’ve seen on Facebook. The only thing that’s missing is a giant script font watermark in the lower right-hand corner, Jaime making a heart shape with her hands, and Taylor looking like she just got called up from the basement where she was playing Xbox live (ie. shirtless with jeans and a look that says “Are we almost done?“).
Katy Perry ruins lives. – Jade
‘I’m sorry sir, but your story sounds a little bit fishy’ – brandysurf
Pic: Acid Cow