Archives: March 2015

Night Crumbs

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

If you took a Janice the Muppet doll, filled it up with helium until it almost popped, dipped it in orange wax and glued a marzipan peen where it’s nose is supposed to be, it would kind of look like Big Ang as a blond – Reality Tea

Suri Cruise brought her Chanel purse to the Kids’ Choice Awards, because it was a casual event full of filthy peasants, so she left her custom-made canary-diamond encrusted clutch at home – Lainey Gossip

Bikinis: Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen are in them – Egotastic!

And soon after releasing that statement, Cookie Lyon brought the broom out and went abuelita on her son’s ass for lying about getting racially profiled by the cops in Glendale – Celebitchy

The Spectre teaser trailer is here and I can’t with whoever was in charge of putting that shit together, because they should’ve known that the world is a shitty place and what we really need is some shots of a topless Daniel CraigTowleroad

Brett Ratner was caught making out with some other chick who isn’t Mimi and if he’s really doing Mimi then now we know there are two humans on earth who want to touch tongues with Brett Ratner – WWTDD

Yolanda Foster’s other daughter who isn’t named Gigi Hadid got a job doing modeling stuff in a magazine too – Drunken Stepfather

JLo giving you “the Hamburglar smuggling two dozen cheeseburgers in the back of his pants” glamour – Popoholic

Don’t wear these around Mama June or she’ll bite your tit and crotch off – OMG Blog

What would Shane from The L Word wear?” is what Kristen Stewart and her partner in pussy say every day before picking their outfits – Popsugar

“See, Bill Cosby gets it!” said every pedophile Catholic priest – The Superficial

Iggy Azalea looked like a late 90s hair salon assistant manager at the iHeartRadio Awards – IDLYITW

FYI: Here’s Zendaya’s “when you’ve got to work extra hard to squeeze that fart out” face – Hollywood Tuna

Deadline’s non-sorry for that THINK OF THE WHITE ACTORS shit they wrote is worse than the damn article – Jezebel

Justin Timberlake remembered Jessica Biel’s first name when thanking her at the iHeartRadio Awards. You know it took him a minute – HuffPo

Scott Disick just took a little booze-filled vacation from rehab, okay? – ICYDK

Gross Harvey Weinstein accused of being illegally gross (read: groping a woman) – Just Jared

Pic: Facebook

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Kit Harington Thinks It’s “Demeaning” When Someone Calls Him A Hunk

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Hunky actor Kit Harington (aka Ned Stark’s hunky bastard son Jon Snow from Game of Thrones) recently confessed to News.com.au (via Page Six) that he’s not here for the horny bitches drooling over his hot bod or swooning over his sexy beady little eyes. But he’s especially not here for anyone who refers to him as a “hunk” (Dr. Steve Brule just got very sad):

“To always be put on a pedestal as a hunk is slightly demeaning. It really is and it’s in the same way as it is for women. When an actor is seen only for her physical beauty it can be quite offensive. Well, it’s not just men that can be inappropriate sexually; women can be as well.

I’m in a successful TV show in a kind of leading man way and it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal. And I don’t like that. In this position you get asked a lot, ‘Do you like being a heart-throb? Do you like being a hunk?’ Well, my answer is, ‘That’s not what I got into it for.’”

Part of me thinks Jon Snow doth protest too much, because are that many people busting their nuts over the low-budget Orlando Bloom? I just checked to see if KitHunkington.com or JonSnowMoreLikeJonBlowMe.org were things that existed, and they are not. But if he feels gross every time someone gives him the perv stare or calls him a hunk, there’s an easy way to divert attention away from his hunkiness: start carrying around a cardboard cutout of someone hunkier. Like notorious vintage hunk William Petersen from Manhunter, for example. Human eyes can’t focus on other hunks if they’re glued to the sexy purple short shorts of Detective Will Graham!

Open Post: Hosted By Liam Hemsworth’s Nick Carter Circa The 90s Hair

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

To quote the Backstreet Boys: TELL ME WHY?!

And now here’s Liam Hemsworth once again showing us what happens you middle part your hair and you’re not a member of the Backstreet Boys in the 90s or Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World. Liam Hemsworth obviously didn’t learn shit from Bradley Cooper, because when B. Coop tried to work the middle-parted hair look, he looked like the human form of DERP who has been arrested several times for getting caught licking the sanitary liners on bikinis in the dressing room area of a Victoria’s Secret. I thought B. Coop taught us all to just say NO when it comes to middle-parted hair.

But I guess Liam Hemsworth was out sick that day, because here he is wearing middle-parted hair in the year 2015 at the Kids’ Choice Awards on Sunday night. When are hos going to learn that when your drivers license doesn’t say the name Leonardo DiCaprio and the year isn’t 1997, do not attempt the middle part. If you don’t have to take 6 hot bleach showers daily, because Lou Pearlman slobbers while looking at you all day since you’re a 16 year old Nick Carter, do not attempt the middle part. If you’re not Jon Hamm on a dating show, do not attempt the middle part.

If you insist on middle parting your hair, at least go full 90s. This would’ve been the look if Liam was wearing a hip-hop Looney Tunes t-shirt, Cross Colours baggy capris and Skechers Chrome Domes. But this is not the look, because Liam did not commit.

Fix it, Moses. You parted the Red Sea, now un-part that hair.

Pics: AP

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Squint Like Tay Tay To See The New “Jurassic World” Dinosaur!

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Oh, hey there, Chris Pratt. Nice hog. For those of you who are joyless and like “uh, how many times can you watch idiotic people genetically engineer dinosaurs that end up eating them?,” this trailer is not for you! This new Jurassic World trailer is for people who THRILL to watching the dumbest scientists in the world continually birth out their own scaly death, and mostly fail in escaping it.

Bryce Dallas Howard’s character: “What? You mean crossbreeding a T-Rex with a velociraptor isn’t going to work out for everybody? It’m not getting the Nobel Prize? It’s not….here it comes…AAIIEEEHHH…RRRRUUUNNNN!!!!”

Truthfully, you can barely see Indominus Rex (that name), but if you look really closely at :13 (right after Bryce notes that it ATE ITS SIBLING, oh good let’s definitely have it entertain children in a theme park setting!) and again at :18, that’s the grey-skinned, red-eyed, sibling-eating hero of Jurassic World. Yes, I always root for the dinosaurs in these movies. They’re usually the least annoying characters.

Check out the new Jurassic World trailer, and some concept art depicting Indominus Rex (that name), below. Spoilers!

We Almost Got To See A Gone Girl Sidepeen Shower Scene Starring Jon Hamm

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I really really hate to be the person to deliver such tragic news, but after lighting several Our Lady of Sorrows candles and spending a good 10 minutes weeping on the floor of my shower, I think I’m finally ready. Page Six says that Jon Hamm, seen above looking like a rode hard put away boozy Don Draper (that I so would, even though he probably smells like Lucky Strikes and ass), had to turn down the role of Nick Dunne in Gone Girl because it would have made things messy for Mad Men’s shooting schedule.

A source claims Jon is not happy with Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner for refusing to let him out of his Mad Men contract so he could go play Amazing Amy’s shady shitbag husband. And I’m not happy that Matthew Weiner’s decision effectively killed any chance that our eyeballs might catch a glimpse of The Hammaconda slithering into the shower. The role and subsequent sidepeen shower scene of course went to Ben Affleck.

Dear Matthew Weiner: On behalf of penis enthusiasts everywhere, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. Aw, I’m sorry – I don’t mean that. You’ve given me so much joy (read: Don Draper saying “I love puppies” and Pete Campbell falling down the stairs), and a contract is a contract, so I can’t hate you for keeping Jon Hamm and his magnificent dick on set. But I am still very pissed that you took priceless spank bank material from the horny fappers and tappers of this world.

Here’s the first round draft pick for Nick Dunne walking through LAX last Friday:

Pics: Splash

Will Smith And Jada Pinkett-Smith Are Very Much In Love

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I think palming her ass was overselling it, huh? Will Smith, wife Jada Pinkett-Smith, and daughter/philosopher-savant Willow Smith attended BET’s “2015 Black Girls Rock!” event on Saturday. Jada received the Star Power Award, and Will introduced her with a tribute to their beautiful heterosexual love. Then he made sure he touched her ass in front of everybody. This was obviously in hopes people would stop assuming he’s Tommy Girl’s permanent +1 down at the Scientology bathhouse.

And boy, did Willy lay it on thick. He mentioned seeing Jada in A Low, Down Dirty Shame, and on A Different World and how he just knew he needed her to beard him and vice-versa to be his lady. He spun a stirring tale of laying up in bed with Jada one morning when he got a Google Alert (after the one about the half-off “Gear For Your Rear” sale on Fort Troff)  that they were getting a divorce. He lay there, thinking of how he would cope if she wasn’t in his life? (Just audition new beards like Cruise did, duh.)

When Jada took the stage, she spoke so many words of wisdom, the most eloquent being something daughter Willow frequently says to her – “I am you. You are me. We are one.” That little girl has ascended past all of us, and should have her own yert in the desert where she can share her truth with the world. Those words didn’t come from her mouth, they came from the shining aura around her! (That family must get the most AMAZING weed.)

Jada SHOULD HAVE received the “Chewing, Swallowing, and Digesting Scenery Award” for her work as Eartha Kitt on Gotham.

Check out pics of Will, Jada and Willow from “BET’s 2015 Black Girls Rock!” event below, as well as snaps of Regina King, Cicely Tyson, Shelia E.(!), Estelle, Jill Scott, Jada’s moms Adrienne Banfield-Jones, Ciara, Tracee Ellis-Ross, Erykah Badu, Janelle  Monae, and that hot bitch Cicely Tyson.

As Expected, Beyonce (And Kelly And Michelle) Performed At The Stellar Gospel Music Awards

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though this picture is blurrier than Dina Lohan’s vision, I love that you can still make out the look on Michelle Williams’ face that says “Wait, is my mic even on?” Sidenote: if Michelle Williams or Kelly Rowland or LeToya Luckett ever write a book, that should be the title.

So that Destiny’s Child reunion that was rumored to be happening at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards on Saturday night happened. Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce (who has definitely already filed this performance as a charitable donation on her 2015 taxes) sang the song “Say Yes” from Michelle’s gospel album Journey to Freedom. Yes, they performed one of Michelle’s songs. I know, I too have fallen and I can’t get up. Beyonce even let Michelle stand in the middle and sing on her own, too! Maybe Jesus had a talk with Beyonce back stage before they went on and warned her that if she tried to pull any spotlight-stealing Beyonce bullshit, he’d use his magic Jesus powers to unplug her wind machine.

The actual show doesn’t air till next weekend, but I’ve included a couple clips of Destiny’s Child performing “Say Yes” after the cut.

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Trevor Noah Is The New Host Of The Daily Show

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

South African comedian Trevor Noah, 31, has been named as John Stewart’s successor on The Daily Show. Noah first appeared as the show as the “senior international correspondent” back in December. Replacing John Stewart is going to be a big task, because people (well, liberals) LURVE them some John Stewart. He ran things over there for 16 years. John Stewart could dropkick kittens off a dock, and he would still receive love from the liberal-minded, fans of political humor, and those who get moistened over guys with graying hair.

In a statement, Hugh Grant detractor Stewart said that he was “thrilled for the show and for Trevor.” He also joked about rejoining the show as a correspondent just to work with him again.

Trevor will probably work out. He likes booze.

(via NYT)

“You don’t believe it for the first few hours,” Mr. Noah said of learning about his new job. “You need a stiff drink, and then unfortunately you’re in a place where you can’t really get alcohol.”

The poor guy was in Dubai. That place sounds awful. Congrats, Trevor!

Meet Trevor Noah in the video below.

Madge and Taylor Swift Joined Forces At That iHeartRadio Thing Last Night

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Brace yourselves. If Madge is the newest member of Taylor Swift’s Pussy Posse (which is like Leonard DiCatchAHo’s Pussy Posse except that they play with actual kittens instead of model vagina), she’ll be the “~cool~ really, really older sister” of that mob of basics and we’ll soon see pictures on Instagram of her teaching the girls how to suck peen by deep throating a water bottle (or a watermelon) and pictures of her and Tay Tay freezing Lena Dunham’s chonies after everyone passes out in a sugar coma from eating the heart-shaped tarts they made in the Easy Bake Oven.

While dressed like a ringmaster at a circus that doubles as a bordello, Madge sung her new single “Ghosttown” as Taylor Swift played the guitar at the iFartRadio Awards last night. I watched this in my hotel room last night and at first I couldn’t see Tay Tay’s face. I just saw that jacked up blond freshly fucked David Cassidy hair, so I thought it was a really skinny C.C. DeVille in a silky slip. But my hard nipples went soft when I realized it was Tay Tay and not C.C. DeVille in a silky slip.

It’s only Monday, but you may get in your weekly quota of eyeball calisthenics while watching Taylor, who looks like Stevie Nicks’ mop, turn on the sexyface and get all dramatic like she’s Slash or some shit.

Well, the good news is that Madge didn’t try to shock us all by wet scissoring with Tay Tay during the last verse. She’s probably saving that move for the VMAs. And if you somehow didn’t meet your weekly eye roll quota while watching that video, Tay’s tweet might do it. She tweeted that she’s “ugly crying forever” over performing with Madge. Weekly eye roll quota met!

And here’s Tay Tay with all the awards she won last night.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

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Rihanna Brought “Bitch Better Have My Money” To The iHeartRadio Awards

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know why I kept thinking the iHeartRadio Music Awards were the pearl-clutcher’s wholesome family-friendly alternative to the MTV Video Music Awards, but Rihanna’s performace of “Bitch Better Have My Money” last night and, to a lesser extent, Jamie Foxx’s crack about Bruce Jenner’s balls, confirmed that they definitely are not.

I like my RiRi’s performances extra raunchy (see: her pussy-tapping performance of “Birthday Cake” on SNL), so this left me a bit disappointed. But that doesn’t mean I hated it. I mean, bitch stepped out of a chopper looking like Oscar the Grouch’s slutty little sister. This is the iHeartRadio performance that Cookie Lyon would have given if Cookie Lyon was a real person. Not to mention that all that bright-green fur was giving me shades of old school Lil’ Kim (I’m not the only one); all that was missing was a bright green wig or one of RiRi’s titty tips covered in a sequined stick-on pasty.

And maybe it’s the hand full of buttered popcorn jelly beans I ate for breakfast, but she also sort of looks like the Scrappy-Doo to Lineysha Sparx’s Snatch Game version of Celia Cruz. Absolutely no shade, because that’s a look I can always get behind.

Here’s more of RiRi working that Sesame Streetwalker realness (“Sesame Streetwalkers was brought to you today by the letters S, T, and D, and the number 2 – as in always count your money twice“) after the show.

Pics: Splash

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