Archives: March 2015

Night Crumbs

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow hung out with The Seinfelds at a benefit yesterday and I’m sure at one point Goopy told them that Jessica Seinfeld’s hair is the exact shade of the caca water she shits up when she gets an enema after a 45-day kumquat seed and dolphin saliva fast- Lainey Gossip

Matthew Perry plays video games all day and never changes his sheets, so basically he’s like a 12 year old boy with a fake tanner obsession – Celebitchy

Rita Ora is wearing a trash bag dress and well, the jokes write themselves – Drunken Stepfather

I see that Teen Mom Jenelle’s relationships are still the epitome of stable and healthy – Reality Tea

Diablo Cody is rewriting the Barbie movie and she better write a scene where Magic Earring Ken gets caught blowing Allan Sherwood in Barbie’s Dreamhouse – Jezebel

Bill Cosby’s latest accuser wants him to tell the truth – The Superficial

FYI: The paps are still taking pictures of Ashley GreeneIDLYITW

Eva Longoria’s dress is so damn tight that I can practically see what she had for lunch. She had a kale salad with a crab cake, by the way – Popoholic

I’m still waiting for a Sherlock movie starring Detective La Toya, but I’ll take one starring Ian McKellan in the meantime – Towleroad

Please tell me David Gandy plays Patsy’s nudist boy toy in the AbFab movie – OMG Blog

Here’s Bob Barker pouring piss from a bedpan onto Adam Sandler’s head if you’re into that sort of thing- Hollywood Tuna

This panty creamer parade has way too many towels in it – The Berry

Martha Stewart will roast Justin Bieber. It’s a good thing – SOW

Benji Madden used the word “bae,” so does that mean that the word “bae” is officially dead and buried now? – Popsugar

And sex seconds after this picture was taken, Kim Zolciak’s wig popped off from the pressure of it all – HuffPo

If Olivia Pope doesn’t snatch that $4 polyester wig off of Lena Dunham’s head…. – Just Jared

Jeremy Sisto is sad he didn’t get Leonardo DiCaprio’s role in Titanic. I’m sure his checking account and agents are sad too – ICYDK

Pic: Getty


The “Dark Places” Trailer Is Here

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I’ve been trying to read Dark Places by Gillian Flynn for at least a year. Like Jon Hamm trying to fuck an extra tight hole, I can’t get into it all the way. I speed read through her other books, Gone Girl and Sharp Objects, in a quick minute, but Dark Places is just not holding me. I make it to about 10 pages before I say to myself, “I would rather be watching porn or Love It Or List It,” so I drop my Kindle and go and do that. I have stopped and re-started that book at least 5 times. I finally said “fuckit” after finding out the movie’s coming out this year, because we all know that the movie is ALWAYS better than the book. But then I watched the French trailer today and um…well….

The French trailer came out first, because it opens in France on April 8th. It doesn’t have a US release date yet.

Charlize Theron feels beyond miscast in this shit. When I read it, I pictured a busted and raggedy Amy Adams. The character is supposed to be kind of plain and broke off. Charlie went all out for Monster, but they didn’t even try to homely her up for this mess. They put a ball cap on her head and called it a day. And the movie just looks like one long low-budget truTV reenactment. Shit, I guess I have to try to finish the book after all.

Harrison Ford Injured After His Small Plane Crash Landed (UPDATE)

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

TMZ says that a small plane piloted by Harrison Ford crash landed on the Penmar golf course in Venice, CA today. He was apparently busted up pretty bad and had to be taken to the hospital.

Harrison was reportedly the only one in the 2-seater plane went shit got serious and he crashed into the golf course. He had several gashes to his head and was bleeding. Luckily there were a couple of doctors playing golf nearby and they treated his wounds the best that they could before the paramedics came and shuffled him off to the hospital. The Los Angeles Fire Department tells the NYDN that there was a crash at the golf course and that one person was critically injured. One person on Twitter said that his mom was playing golf at the time and helped him out. According to her, he seemed okay.

TMZ also points out that Harrison has been flying planes and helicopters for a long time and he has had to crash land at least twice in the past.

NOT HARRISON FORD! Quick! Form a prayer circle for Harrison Ford while throwing a side-eye at Reggie (because you know he had something to do with this).

UPDATE: The Los Angeles Fire Department said in a press conference that 72-year-old Harrison is in “fair to moderate condition” and was “alert, conscious, and breathing” when paramedics took him to the hospital. He’s being treated at the hospital now and none of his injuries are life-threatening. So I guess it’s safe to make “Get off my plane” jokes now. I guess if you have to crash land somewhere, it should be a golf course in Los Angeles, because that’s the place where you’ll find doctors in the middle of the afternoon on a goddamn weekday.

UPDATE II: Harrison’s son tweeted this:


Open Post: Hosted By Peeps Milk

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I learned something brand new today. I learned that there’s humans on Earth who really felt like what we needed as a people was milk flavored like Peeps.

Prairie Farms is selling Peeps-flavored milk in grocery stores in the Midwest right now, because why not, I guess. It comes in three flavors and it’s perfect for hos who feel like regular milk just isn’t pushing them toward early onset diabetes fast enough. USA Today says that Peeps milk is ultra sugary deliciousness for your insides:

The Peeps-flavored milk is packed with more than three times the amount of sugar a serving of regular Prairie Farms whole milk has, clocking in at 37 grams per cup. A serving of whole milk contains 11 grams of sugar. For comparison, a 12-oz. bottle of Coca-Cola contains 39 grams of sugar.

Peeps milk also has more than twice as much sodium – 320 mg per cup compared to 120 mg for a cup of the brand’s whole milk.

Yeah, I don’t know. The name “Peeps Milk” just sounds gross. I don’t know if I want to know what it would taste like if I sucked on a Peeps’ nipple. I know, you really needed that image today. But it could’ve been worse. I could’ve said that I don’t know if I want to know what it would taste like to suck off a Peep, which is what I really thought.

Who am I fooling? I’d drink that mess, but only after mixed it with several shots of vodka, because if you’re going to find out what the leche of a Peep tastes like you should at least get drunk while doing so.


Lily James Says She Went On A Liquid Diet To Fit Into Her Cinderella Dress

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

After it was revealed last month that Disney’s live-action Cinderella had a waist that was as small as cartoon Cinderella’s, a missing persons report was filed for her stomach the police were pointed in the direction of that notorious waist-snatcher Photoshop. At the time, Cinderella’s agent said it was the work of an organ-crushing corset, and now Cinderella herself would like to add that it also had something to do with the fact that she stopped eating solid foods.

Lily James recently told E! News that once they strapped her into Cinderella corset, there was no way solid foods were making their way through her digestive tract. According to Lily, any food she ate just turned into a bundle of burps that usually made their way to Prince Charming’s face. “You needed a blonde chick who loves belching? What, was I busy?” though Jennifer Lawrence.

So in order to wear her corset all day during the filming of Cinderella, she had to start drinking her meals. Normally when I think of a liquid lunch, I think of 3 Caesars and a shot of Pepto, but Lily says she stuck to soup.

Cinderella gets respect from me, because I once went on a liquid diet, and it was HELL. I only lasted three days before I cracked, dumped all my spicy lemon water down the kitchen sink, jumped into my car Duke of Hazzard-style, hauled ass to the nearest McDonald’s, and shoved a McLand, Air, & Sea into my mouth while weeping tears of joy in the parking lot .

Susan Sarandon And That Ping-Pong Mogul Broke Up Because Of A Reality Show (UPDATE)

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Susan Sarandon’s ping-pong mogul boy toy is 37 years old and so he’s starting to spoil a bit and smell and it won’t be long before he starts spouting white pubes and complains about back pain after they fuck on the ping-pong table. So it’s about that time for Susan Sarandon to drop him and get herself some fresh, younger meat. Page Six says that 68-year-old Susan is done shooting ping-pongs out of her poon and into the mouth of Jonathan Bricklin (you know how kinky those ping-pong playing types are) and it’s not because he old now. It’s because he wants to be in a reality show. Reality shows: destroying relationships since 2005.

A source tells Page Six that the ping-pong dude signed up to do a reality show for AOL called “Connected,” which follows 6 New Yorkers and their partners. Each couple was given a camera to record their lives for 6 months. Susan agreed to do it at first, but quickly realized that she’s too good for that shit. So she dumped him after 5 years together.

“It caused a lot of strain in the relationship. It’s documented for the show that Susan breaks up with him because she doesn’t want to be involved with the show. She says, ‘You’re a cast member, I’m not.’”

The source says that they’re trying to work things out so there’s a chance they’ll get back together.

What is there to work out? He chose a reality show over her! This is how it begins. First, he gets her to do a semi-artsy “docu-series” for AOL and then suddenly she’s starring in The Real Housewives of Ping-Pong Moguls for Bravo! Besides, I would’ve quit that bitch as soon as he said, “Let’s star in a reality show for AOL.” Just reading the name AOL gives me the shakes. It takes me back to the late 90s when I’d chew off the tips of my finger skin while waiting to see if I’d get onto AOL via dial-up or not. And nothing felt lonelier than finally getting onto AOL and not hearing that guy say “You’ve Got Mail.” AOL held my emotions in their hands, so screw them for that!

UPDATE: Jonathan Bricklin queefed up a statement to People explaining the current state of his relationship with Susan Sarandon. He doesn’t really deny that they’re broken up. It sounds like he found a really, really complicated way to say, “We’re just friends now.

“Susan and I have a lot of respect and great admiration for each other. It’s impossible to concisely characterize our relationship, other than to say that it continues to evolve in new and unexpected ways. She supported my decision to be a part of AOL’s Connected, and making this series about my life has brought up real and somewhat unexplored issues, but it didn’t break us up.”

And here’s Susan trolling for new trade at the Hamburg Trade Fair in Germany last week.

Pics:, Getty

Jason Bateman Is The Reason Dax Shepard And Kristen Bell Got Married

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Now you know the name of the person to which you can send that muffin basket; I’m sure you want to say a proper thank you for this gorgeous public mouth-humping moment between Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. Frito Pendejo’s past life self Dax Shepard recently told People that if it weren’t for his friend Jason Bateman pressuring him like an old timey hillbilly with a shotgun to marry his girlfriend Kristen Bell, it might never have happened.

“Jason was first to go, ‘Stop fucking around and marry Kristen’. You immediately transitioned into ‘Get her pregnant’” Shepard continued while standing next to his friend. ”I would say you were at the very forefront of cracking the whip on that. And you were dead right.”

Of course, Dax took Michael Bluth’s advice, knocked-up Kristen, got married, then knocked her up again.

Now that we know Jason Bateman has some kind of weird mind control over Dax Shepard and is able to get him to do whatever he says, if I were Kristen Bell, I would be using that to my advantage. For example, like Kristen, I too go nuts for sloths, so my first order of business would be instructing Jason Bateman to convince Dax to buy a sloth. Then another. Then an entire sloth sanctuary. From the window to the wall, sloths dripping down from the ceiling like little furry slow-moving Cirque du Soleil performers.

By the way, if Jason Bateman is taking requests, do you think it would it be too much trouble to ask him if he could convince Dax Shepard to take his shirt off more often?

Attack Of The Clones: Jared Leto Channels Kunty Karl

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian’s yeast infection surprise hair color turned to a bright shade of jealousy green at the Balmain show today when the modern day Dorian Gray named Jared Leto sashayed in while showing that trash heap heffa how the peroxide look is really done.

Five seconds is approximately how long it took Jared Leto to fight the hot again after he stopped fighting the hot by chopping off his ombre Yanni circa 1999 hair. Jared took a Flowbee to his mane to play The Joker in the Suicide Squad movie and he kept the transformation going by bleaching his hair the same color that every teenage trailer park tweaker had in 2002. I’m guessing that Jared is going to keep his transformation into The Joker going by going bright red or bright green. But I, for one, hope he keeps it like this.

I hope this means that in the Suicide Squad movie, The Joker is a cunty, black-hearted German zombie fashion designer who destroys his targets by calling them fat over and over again and who brings Batman to tears by shaming that bitch for wearing black rubber when this season is all about light onyx panda leather. The Joker will also make Superman question everything by saying, “Honey, unless your name is Lupita Nyong’o, don’t try the cape look.” They can even replace Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn with Choupette Lagerfeld. Now THAT is the Suicide Squad movie I want to see.

And here’s more of Jared looking like the golden child of the Death Eaters at the Balmain show in Paris today. And on a different note, the HELL is he wearing? He’s dressed like a toddler whose mom let him pick out his outfit.

Pics: Splash,

Chris Brown’s Baby Has A Name

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

And no, it’s not “Not Chris Brown’s Baby“, which is what it probably wishes it could legally change it to. According to TMZ, the 9-month-old baby that Chris Brown made with a model named Nia is called Royalty. Raise your hand if you too just got a craving for some Royal Milk Tea. TMZ doesn’t say whether or not the baby has her daddy’s last name, but I hope she does, because Royalty Brown kind of sounds like the name of a fancy British drag queen, and I can get behind that 100%.

As of yesterday, it was still sort of up in the air as to the DNA status of Chris Brown’s alleged baby. But the mystery is solved! TMZ says that Chris and Nia both took paternity tests last week, and in the immortal words of Maury Povich, he IS the father (sorry Royalty). They’re also saying that Royalty lives with her mommy in Texas, so Chris has agreed to fly out there on the regular and help raise her (again, sorry Royalty) and has arranged some sort of child support agreement. Wait, is Chris Brown even allowed to cross state lines? I know he’s not allowed to cross the border. Someone better call his probation officer and ask.

But when he does book his ticket on the baby daddy express to Texas, he should just buy one, since it looks like he won’t need a second boarding pass for his former piece Karrueche Tran. I know it’s only been 24 hours since they broke up, but in Karreuche Tran/Chris Brown break-up time, that’s like 16 months. Here’s a single-and-ready-to-mingle Karrueche hitting the club and looking for her next Chris Brown last night:


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