Archives: March 2015

Mo’Nique Isn’t Done Talking About Getting Blackballed By Lee Daniels

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t been keeping up on this feud between Mo’Nique and the director of Precious Lee Daniels, let me try to give you the Cliffs Notes version. Mo’Nique told The Hollywood Reporter that not too long ago, she was told by Lee Daniels that she’s been blackballed by Hollywood for not playing the game (aka not sucking enough ass). Mo’Nique said that she was supposed to be in Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was hers, but Lee snatched that shit away from her. Lee responded to Mo’Nique’s blackballed claim by basically confirming that she’s been blackballed by him. Mo’Nique kept the fight going by saying that she thinks Lee Daniel’s b-hole got twisted when she didn’t thank him by name during her Oscar speech. She also said that he offered her the role of Cookie in Empire (insert CookieIsNotAmused.GIF here). Empire’s co-creator Danny Strong said on Twitter that the role of Cookie was always meant for Taraji P. Henson. Mo’Nique clapped back once again by claiming she has e-mails proving she was offered that role. This shit is more melodramatic than that scene in Precious where Mo’Nique ruins a perfectly good TV by dropping it on Gabourey Sidibe in that stairwell.

Lee Daniels has stayed quiet since farting up that response to Mo’Nique, but she’s not done. Mo’Nique took her “I WILL NOT BE BLACKBALLED” tour to TMZ  yesterday. Mo’Nique told Harvey Levin that she didn’t get the role of Cookie because FOX was told that she’s as difficult as an incontinent shark (I don’t know what that means either). Mo’Nique is not afraid of Lee Daniels even though he is a power player in Hollywood.

Stop the madness, Mo’Nique!

Part of me thinks that is a STUNT QUEEN stunt and if that’s not the case, then she needs to hit the brakes on this shit. At this point, it seems like only Lee Daniels’ dramatic ass has “blackballed” her, but if she keeps going, the only job offer she’ll get is to join the cast of Bowling with the Stars in Greenland. If she put as much blood, sweat, tears and drama into her Oscar campaign as she is into this campaign against Lee Daniels, she might not have bitches mad at her. And I’m sure Lee Daniels is going to turn this whole saga into a show called Blackballed and he’ll offer Mo’Nique the role of Mo’Nique before snatching it away and giving it to Oprah.

Nick Gordon Has Checked Into Rehab

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Every police officer in Georgia investigating Bobbi Kristina Brown’s unconscious bathtub situation just pulled a Bianca Del Rio-style “You shady bitch” face. TMZ says that Nick Gordon, Bobbi Kristina’s former sort-of brother/pretend husband/current shady boyfriend has checked himself into rehab. And no, not for his addiction to tacky, tasteless tattoos.

It all started earlier this week during a taping of Dr. Phil with Dr. Phil in Atlanta. Nick thought it was just a regular interview, which led him to dramatically admitting that he’s talked about committing suicide if Bobbi Kristina doesn’t come out of the coma she’s been in for the past 35 days. As it turns out, the “interview” was actually more of an intervention staged by Dr. Phil and Nick’s mother. Nick’s episode of Dr. Phil doesn’t air until next Wednesday, but we don’t need to wait that long to know that he agrees to get help and shuffles off to rehab. TMZ says he’s getting treatment for drugs.

Bobbi Kristina’s current situation is already the definition of sad, and I honestly didn’t think it could get any worse when it was announced that her bottle-fighting family was filming a reality show, but taking your tears to Dr. Phil? That just added 8 new layers of stink to this mess. And I hope the second Nick Gordon arrived at rehab, they ushered him into a special wing designated for seriously poor decision makers.

Pic: Instagram

Cate Blanchett And Her Husband Adopted A New Baby Friend

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Earlier today, a picture from Twitter of Cate Blanchett holding a baby at Sydney Airport made the rounds. I really didn’t think anything of it, because that baby could’ve been the kid of a friend or relative, or maybe Cate rented that child so she could be the first person in First Class to get on that plane. But after Women’s Weekly said that 45-year-old Cate and her 49-year-old husband of 17 years, Andrew Upton, adopted a baby girl, her rep confirmed that they added another kid to their family 5. You’re going to need to take the rest of the day off to read the statement from Cate’s publicist, because it is longer than a Kanye rant and is filled with too many details:

She and her husband, Andrew Upton, have adopted a girl, E! News confirms. A rep for Blanchett tells E! News, “The Upton family [Cate Blanchett and Andrew Upton] have adopted a baby girl. No further details will be provided.”

Cate’s rep didn’t spit up the name of her new baby friend, but Women’s Weekly says the little girl’s name is Vivienne. I don’t know if I believe that Cate and her husband named their new kid Vivienne. Their sons’ names are: Dashiell (he’s 13), Roman (he’s 10) and Ignatius (he’s 6). Those sound like the names of fancy characters in fancy literary masterpieces. So I’m guessing that Cate and Andrew kept with that theme by naming their daughter either Bella Swan or Lucky Santangelo.

Here’s Cate doing an impersonation of Renee Zellweger’s old face outside of Jimmy Kimmel Live! earlier this week.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Kelly Clarkson Wants You To Know That She Never Called Miley Cyrus A “Pitchy Stripper”

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s too bad, because “pitchy stripper” is right up there with “chubby and corny” as one of my favorite reads. During a game of Plead the Fifth on Thursday’s episode of Watch What Happens Live, Kelly Clarkson was asked by the long-lost 4th member of Alvin and the Chipmunks Andy Cohen if she would still liken the horny hillbilly yodels of Miley Cyrus to that of a pitchy stripper. In case your brain isn’t a working Wikipedia entry for Kelly Clarkson, Kelly gave a two-word review of the 2013 VMAs (aka the one where Miley first released her uncooked chicken giblets unto the world) by tweeting the hashtag #pitchystrippers. Naturally, everyone assumed she was talking about pitchy amateur stripper Miley Cyrus, but Kelly Clarkson would like you to know she would NEVER:

“I never said Miley Cyrus! The fact that I tweeted ‘pitchy stripper’ and people thought Miley Cyrus is not my problem. I’m just saying! Never said Miley Cyrus, my man! Everybody else said Miley Cyrus when I did that. That’s not my fault!”

“I am not saying who it was because if I say it’s not, then you’re going to guess somebody else. You’re trying to manipulate me. I’m going to drink more. Soon I’ll say the truth, and then I can blame it on the alcohol.”

Speaking of booze truth, Kelly also admitted that she once dated Justin Guarini during the making of From Justin to Kelly. Well duh, can you blame her? Who could resist the white-hot Sideshow Bob-haired heat and panty-dampening sexuality of 2003-era Justin Guarini? My mouth is getting all kinds of dry just thinking about where he’d put that puka shell necklace.

Here’s the former almost Mrs. Justin Guarini grabbing lunch earlier this week in New York City. Is Kelly wearing ballet flats? In the words of Andy Stitzer: NOOOOO KELLY CLARKSON! That’s how you slip and fall and get an ass crack full of snow.

Pics: Splash

Aaron Carter Wants Hilary Duff To Stop Talking About Him

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

And now you know what Aaron Carter looks like while he’s eating ass. Thank you for that, AC.

Aaron Carter has been saying “fuckit” to having dignity for months by tweeting about how his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff is his soulmate and he’ll never ever stop trying to win her love back. I almost filed a lawsuit against Aaron at that time, because I developed severe face wrinkles from cringing over him declaring his love for the girl he dated when they were both fetus-aged like he’s a character in the worst Nicholas Sparks book ever. Aaron eventually realized that he needs to stop it with the “Every Step You Take…” shit and vowed to have a seat and keep his lips shout about his undying love for Lizzie McGuire.

That was that until Hilary Duff just had to awaken the stalker beast with blond low lights by talking about him during a recent interview with Cosmo. Hilary, you dumb trick, do not invoke its name! Hilary said this about Aaron slobbering on and on about her on Twatter:

“Him reaching out through social media? It’s ridiculous! But then people do it all the time, like Chris Brown and Karrueche? Come on, guys. Keep it between text messages.”

Since Hilary just had to talk about Aaron, the former Mr. May in the Faces of Meth calendar and former Mr. July in the Bodies of Meth calendar responded to her on Twitter, sort of. Aaron didn’t name names, but let Hilary Duff know that she should keep his name out of her mouth (and then his balls exploded from thinking about him being in Hilary Duff’s chipmunk mouth):

Maybe he’s not talking about Hilary. Maybe he’s talking about that dress. Aaron is right, though. Hilary needs to stop obsessing over Aaron obsessing over her. Aaron has really matured and knows that slobbering about her on social media isn’t a good look. Those whores on Twitter don’t understand  anyway. So now Aaron only talks about Hilary to the patchwork doll he made out of the panties he stole from her dirty laundry basket while cuddling with it in the room that’s covered with pictures of her. Follow Aaron’s lead, Hilary, and grow the hell up!

Here’s Hilary with her son, doing her daily walk in the front of the paps. I’m sure Aaron has already made a composite of what their baby would look like in one of those morph programs and posted that picture over the face of Hilary’s son.

Pics: Wenn.com

Neil Patrick Harris Says He Probably Won’t Be Back To Host Another Oscars

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

I believe that smile on Neil Patrick Harris’ face is the wordless equivalent to Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Even though Neil Patrick Harris is a charming high-energy singing dancing machine that was built in a handsome showbiz robot factory, hosting the Oscars this year apparently really drained his battery and wore down his entertainment processor and he doesn’t think he can do it again. During a recent interview with HuffPo, Doogie Howser admitted that unless they upgrade his circuitry, he probably won’t be back to host the Oscars for a second time:

“I don’t know that my family nor my soul could take it. It’s a beast. It was fun to check off the list, but for the amount of time spent and the understandable opinionated response, I don’t know that it’s a delightful balance to do every year or even again.”

He also says that it didn’t help to find out that people though he sucked (yes, even with the surprise guest appearance of Doogie Jr.)

“It’s so difficult for one who’s simply watching the show to realize just how much time and concession and compromise and explanation has gone into almost every single thing…And I’m not saying that to defend everything I said as if it was the absolute best choice, but it’s also an award show, and you’re powering through 14 acts filled with 20 plus awards. So my job was to try and keep things as light and specific to this year’s set of films as possible. And if people are critical of that, it’s a big giant platform, so I would assume that they would be.”

It doesn’t really matter what famous type is hosting, people at home will hate it, because the Oscars are 4 hours long and boring as hell. And if you want someone to watch Neil Patrick Harris sing and dance for 4 hours, you gotta make it worth it; for example, give NPH a sidekick, like that entertaining bitch Purin the Beagle. And then replacing NPH with a talented cat. There, problem solved!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Mason, the climbing cat of Russia!

When I lived in NYC, I had to take my dog downstairs to empty his bladder three times a day (I know, life is hard. Thank you for the prayers during that difficult time.) and I always dreamed about making some basket elevator thing. You know, I’d put him in the basket elevator, lower him down to the sidewalk and after he was done pissing, he’d jump back in the basket elevator and I’d pull him back up. (Even if he learned how to use the basket elevator, he would never use it, because if he has to freeze his butt glands off, so do I.)

But anyway, as I watched this video of the climbing pussy of Russia this morning, I wondered where this cat was years ago when I needed him. He could’ve come to America and trained my dog to use a towel rope to get up into his apartment. Evgeny Kochetkov uploaded this video of his pussy Mason climbing up the towel he dropped from his window. If that cat could speak human words, it would scream, “Рапунцель , Рапунцель , опустил свое полотенце!” (Note: That’s supposed to be “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your towel” in Russian, but if it means something totally different and I just cursed a bitch out or ordered a fish dish, blame Google Translate.)

Dear Hollywood, we do not need any more remakes or reboots, but I won’t be mad if you remake Cliffhanger starring Mason. The pussy can even do his own stunts!

via Happy Place

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Birthday Sluts

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Connie Britton (48)
Tyler, The Creator (24)
Bubba Sparxxx (38)
Beanie Sigel (41)
Shaquille O’Neal (43)
Amy Pietz (46)
Moira Kelly (47)
Madonna Wayne Gacy (51)
D.L. Hughley (52)
Tom Arnold (56)
Alberta Watson (60)
Jacklyn Zeman (62)
Stedman Graham (64)
Anna Maria Horsford (67)
Stephen Schwartz (67)
Rob Reiner (68)
Kiki Dee (68)
Mary Wilson (71)
Gabriel García Márquez (88)

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Night Crumbs

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow hung out with The Seinfelds at a benefit yesterday and I’m sure at one point Goopy told them that Jessica Seinfeld’s hair is the exact shade of the caca water she shits up when she gets an enema after a 45-day kumquat seed and dolphin saliva fast- Lainey Gossip

Matthew Perry plays video games all day and never changes his sheets, so basically he’s like a 12 year old boy with a fake tanner obsession – Celebitchy

Rita Ora is wearing a trash bag dress and well, the jokes write themselves – Drunken Stepfather

I see that Teen Mom Jenelle’s relationships are still the epitome of stable and healthy – Reality Tea

Diablo Cody is rewriting the Barbie movie and she better write a scene where Magic Earring Ken gets caught blowing Allan Sherwood in Barbie’s Dreamhouse – Jezebel

Bill Cosby’s latest accuser wants him to tell the truth – The Superficial

FYI: The paps are still taking pictures of Ashley GreeneIDLYITW

Eva Longoria’s dress is so damn tight that I can practically see what she had for lunch. She had a kale salad with a crab cake, by the way – Popoholic

I’m still waiting for a Sherlock movie starring Detective La Toya, but I’ll take one starring Ian McKellan in the meantime – Towleroad

Please tell me David Gandy plays Patsy’s nudist boy toy in the AbFab movie – OMG Blog

Here’s Bob Barker pouring piss from a bedpan onto Adam Sandler’s head if you’re into that sort of thing- Hollywood Tuna

This panty creamer parade has way too many towels in it – The Berry

Martha Stewart will roast Justin Bieber. It’s a good thing – SOW

Benji Madden used the word “bae,” so does that mean that the word “bae” is officially dead and buried now? – Popsugar

And sex seconds after this picture was taken, Kim Zolciak’s wig popped off from the pressure of it all – HuffPo

If Olivia Pope doesn’t snatch that $4 polyester wig off of Lena Dunham’s head…. – Just Jared

Jeremy Sisto is sad he didn’t get Leonardo DiCaprio’s role in Titanic. I’m sure his checking account and agents are sad too – ICYDK

Pic: Getty

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