I believe that smile on Neil Patrick Harris’ face is the wordless equivalent to Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Even though Neil Patrick Harris is a charming high-energy singing dancing machine that was built in a handsome showbiz robot factory, hosting the Oscars this year apparently really drained his battery and wore down his entertainment processor and he doesn’t think he can do it again. During a recent interview with HuffPo, Doogie Howser admitted that unless they upgrade his circuitry, he probably won’t be back to host the Oscars for a second time:
“I don’t know that my family nor my soul could take it. It’s a beast. It was fun to check off the list, but for the amount of time spent and the understandable opinionated response, I don’t know that it’s a delightful balance to do every year or even again.”
“It’s so difficult for one who’s simply watching the show to realize just how much time and concession and compromise and explanation has gone into almost every single thing…And I’m not saying that to defend everything I said as if it was the absolute best choice, but it’s also an award show, and you’re powering through 14 acts filled with 20 plus awards. So my job was to try and keep things as light and specific to this year’s set of films as possible. And if people are critical of that, it’s a big giant platform, so I would assume that they would be.”
It doesn’t really matter what famous type is hosting, people at home will hate it, because the Oscars are 4 hours long and boring as hell. And if you want someone to watch Neil Patrick Harris sing and dance for 4 hours, you gotta make it worth it; for example, give NPH a sidekick, like that entertaining bitch Purin the Beagle. And then replacing NPH with a talented cat. There, problem solved!
This guy’s manspreading might be annoying, but his other half’s a real asshole. – GuestStop
Couch test dummy. – Tart of Darkness
Mason, the climbing cat of Russia!
When I lived in NYC, I had to take my dog downstairs to empty his bladder three times a day (I know, life is hard. Thank you for the prayers during that difficult time.) and I always dreamed about making some basket elevator thing. You know, I’d put him in the basket elevator, lower him down to the sidewalk and after he was done pissing, he’d jump back in the basket elevator and I’d pull him back up. (Even if he learned how to use the basket elevator, he would never use it, because if he has to freeze his butt glands off, so do I.)
But anyway, as I watched this video of the climbing pussy of Russia this morning, I wondered where this cat was years ago when I needed him. He could’ve come to America and trained my dog to use a towel rope to get up into his apartment. Evgeny Kochetkov uploaded this video of his pussy Mason climbing up the towel he dropped from his window. If that cat could speak human words, it would scream, “Рапунцель , Рапунцель , опустил свое полотенце!” (Note: That’s supposed to be “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your towel” in Russian, but if it means something totally different and I just cursed a bitch out or ordered a fish dish, blame Google Translate.)
Dear Hollywood, we do not need any more remakes or reboots, but I won’t be mad if you remake Cliffhanger starring Mason. The pussy can even do his own stunts!
via Happy Place
Connie Britton (48)
Tyler, The Creator (24)
Bubba Sparxxx (38)
Beanie Sigel (41)
Shaquille O’Neal (43)
Amy Pietz (46)
Moira Kelly (47)
Madonna Wayne Gacy (51)
D.L. Hughley (52)
Tom Arnold (56)
Alberta Watson (60)
Jacklyn Zeman (62)
Stedman Graham (64)
Anna Maria Horsford (67)
Stephen Schwartz (67)
Rob Reiner (68)
Kiki Dee (68)
Mary Wilson (71)
Gabriel García Márquez (88)
Goopy Paltrow hung out with The Seinfelds at a benefit yesterday and I’m sure at one point Goopy told them that Jessica Seinfeld’s hair is the exact shade of the caca water she shits up when she gets an enema after a 45-day kumquat seed and dolphin saliva fast- Lainey Gossip
Matthew Perry plays video games all day and never changes his sheets, so basically he’s like a 12 year old boy with a fake tanner obsession – Celebitchy
Rita Ora is wearing a trash bag dress and well, the jokes write themselves – Drunken Stepfather
I see that Teen Mom Jenelle’s relationships are still the epitome of stable and healthy – Reality Tea
Diablo Cody is rewriting the Barbie movie and she better write a scene where Magic Earring Ken gets caught blowing Allan Sherwood in Barbie’s Dreamhouse – Jezebel
Bill Cosby’s latest accuser wants him to tell the truth – The Superficial
FYI: The paps are still taking pictures of Ashley Greene – IDLYITW
Eva Longoria’s dress is so damn tight that I can practically see what she had for lunch. She had a kale salad with a crab cake, by the way – Popoholic
I’m still waiting for a Sherlock movie starring Detective La Toya, but I’ll take one starring Ian McKellan in the meantime – Towleroad
Please tell me David Gandy plays Patsy’s nudist boy toy in the AbFab movie – OMG Blog
Here’s Bob Barker pouring piss from a bedpan onto Adam Sandler’s head if you’re into that sort of thing- Hollywood Tuna
This panty creamer parade has way too many towels in it – The Berry
Martha Stewart will roast Justin Bieber. It’s a good thing – SOW
Benji Madden used the word “bae,” so does that mean that the word “bae” is officially dead and buried now? – Popsugar
And sex seconds after this picture was taken, Kim Zolciak’s wig popped off from the pressure of it all – HuffPo
If Olivia Pope doesn’t snatch that $4 polyester wig off of Lena Dunham’s head…. – Just Jared
Jeremy Sisto is sad he didn’t get Leonardo DiCaprio’s role in Titanic. I’m sure his checking account and agents are sad too – ICYDK
I’ve been trying to read Dark Places by Gillian Flynn for at least a year. Like Jon Hamm trying to fuck an extra tight hole, I can’t get into it all the way. I speed read through her other books, Gone Girl and Sharp Objects, in a quick minute, but Dark Places is just not holding me. I make it to about 10 pages before I say to myself, “I would rather be watching porn or Love It Or List It,” so I drop my Kindle and go and do that. I have stopped and re-started that book at least 5 times. I finally said “fuckit” after finding out the movie’s coming out this year, because we all know that the movie is ALWAYS better than the book. But then I watched the French trailer today and um…well….
The French trailer came out first, because it opens in France on April 8th. It doesn’t have a US release date yet.
Charlize Theron feels beyond miscast in this shit. When I read it, I pictured a busted and raggedy Amy Adams. The character is supposed to be kind of plain and broke off. Charlie went all out for Monster, but they didn’t even try to homely her up for this mess. They put a ball cap on her head and called it a day. And the movie just looks like one long low-budget truTV reenactment. Shit, I guess I have to try to finish the book after all.
TMZ says that a small plane piloted by Harrison Ford crash landed on the Penmar golf course in Venice, CA today. He was apparently busted up pretty bad and had to be taken to the hospital.
Harrison was reportedly the only one in the 2-seater plane went shit got serious and he crashed into the golf course. He had several gashes to his head and was bleeding. Luckily there were a couple of doctors playing golf nearby and they treated his wounds the best that they could before the paramedics came and shuffled him off to the hospital. The Los Angeles Fire Department tells the NYDN that there was a crash at the golf course and that one person was critically injured. One person on Twitter said that his mom was playing golf at the time and helped him out. According to her, he seemed okay.
TMZ also points out that Harrison has been flying planes and helicopters for a long time and he has had to crash land at least twice in the past.
NOT HARRISON FORD! Quick! Form a prayer circle for Harrison Ford while throwing a side-eye at Reggie (because you know he had something to do with this).
UPDATE: The Los Angeles Fire Department said in a press conference that 72-year-old Harrison is in “fair to moderate condition” and was “alert, conscious, and breathing” when paramedics took him to the hospital. He’s being treated at the hospital now and none of his injuries are life-threatening. So I guess it’s safe to make “Get off my plane” jokes now. I guess if you have to crash land somewhere, it should be a golf course in Los Angeles, because that’s the place where you’ll find doctors in the middle of the afternoon on a goddamn weekday.
UPDATE II: Harrison’s son tweeted this:
At the hospital. Dad is ok. Battered, but ok! He is every bit the man you would think he is. He is an incredibly strong man.
— Chef Ben Ford (@ChefBenFord) March 6, 2015
I learned something brand new today. I learned that there’s humans on Earth who really felt like what we needed as a people was milk flavored like Peeps.
Prairie Farms is selling Peeps-flavored milk in grocery stores in the Midwest right now, because why not, I guess. It comes in three flavors and it’s perfect for hos who feel like regular milk just isn’t pushing them toward early onset diabetes fast enough. USA Today says that Peeps milk is ultra sugary deliciousness for your insides:
The Peeps-flavored milk is packed with more than three times the amount of sugar a serving of regular Prairie Farms whole milk has, clocking in at 37 grams per cup. A serving of whole milk contains 11 grams of sugar. For comparison, a 12-oz. bottle of Coca-Cola contains 39 grams of sugar.
Peeps milk also has more than twice as much sodium – 320 mg per cup compared to 120 mg for a cup of the brand’s whole milk.
Yeah, I don’t know. The name “Peeps Milk” just sounds gross. I don’t know if I want to know what it would taste like if I sucked on a Peeps’ nipple. I know, you really needed that image today. But it could’ve been worse. I could’ve said that I don’t know if I want to know what it would taste like to suck off a Peep, which is what I really thought.
Who am I fooling? I’d drink that mess, but only after mixed it with several shots of vodka, because if you’re going to find out what the leche of a Peep tastes like you should at least get drunk while doing so.
After it was revealed last month that Disney’s live-action Cinderella had a waist that was as small as cartoon Cinderella’s, a missing persons report was filed for her stomach the police were pointed in the direction of that notorious waist-snatcher Photoshop. At the time, Cinderella’s agent said it was the work of an organ-crushing corset, and now Cinderella herself would like to add that it also had something to do with the fact that she stopped eating solid foods.
Lily James recently told E! News that once they strapped her into Cinderella corset, there was no way solid foods were making their way through her digestive tract. According to Lily, any food she ate just turned into a bundle of burps that usually made their way to Prince Charming’s face. “You needed a blonde chick who loves belching? What, was I busy?” though Jennifer Lawrence.
So in order to wear her corset all day during the filming of Cinderella, she had to start drinking her meals. Normally when I think of a liquid lunch, I think of 3 Caesars and a shot of Pepto, but Lily says she stuck to soup.
Cinderella gets respect from me, because I once went on a liquid diet, and it was HELL. I only lasted three days before I cracked, dumped all my spicy lemon water down the kitchen sink, jumped into my car Duke of Hazzard-style, hauled ass to the nearest McDonald’s, and shoved a McLand, Air, & Sea into my mouth while weeping tears of joy in the parking lot .
Susan Sarandon’s ping-pong mogul boy toy is 37 years old and so he’s starting to spoil a bit and smell and it won’t be long before he starts spouting white pubes and complains about back pain after they fuck on the ping-pong table. So it’s about that time for Susan Sarandon to drop him and get herself some fresh, younger meat. Page Six says that 68-year-old Susan is done shooting ping-pongs out of her poon and into the mouth of Jonathan Bricklin (you know how kinky those ping-pong playing types are) and it’s not because he old now. It’s because he wants to be in a reality show. Reality shows: destroying relationships since 2005.
A source tells Page Six that the ping-pong dude signed up to do a reality show for AOL called “Connected,” which follows 6 New Yorkers and their partners. Each couple was given a camera to record their lives for 6 months. Susan agreed to do it at first, but quickly realized that she’s too good for that shit. So she dumped him after 5 years together.
“It caused a lot of strain in the relationship. It’s documented for the show that Susan breaks up with him because she doesn’t want to be involved with the show. She says, ‘You’re a cast member, I’m not.’”
The source says that they’re trying to work things out so there’s a chance they’ll get back together.
What is there to work out? He chose a reality show over her! This is how it begins. First, he gets her to do a semi-artsy “docu-series” for AOL and then suddenly she’s starring in The Real Housewives of Ping-Pong Moguls for Bravo! Besides, I would’ve quit that bitch as soon as he said, “Let’s star in a reality show for AOL.” Just reading the name AOL gives me the shakes. It takes me back to the late 90s when I’d chew off the tips of my finger skin while waiting to see if I’d get onto AOL via dial-up or not. And nothing felt lonelier than finally getting onto AOL and not hearing that guy say “You’ve Got Mail.” AOL held my emotions in their hands, so screw them for that!
UPDATE: Jonathan Bricklin queefed up a statement to People explaining the current state of his relationship with Susan Sarandon. He doesn’t really deny that they’re broken up. It sounds like he found a really, really complicated way to say, “We’re just friends now.”
“Susan and I have a lot of respect and great admiration for each other. It’s impossible to concisely characterize our relationship, other than to say that it continues to evolve in new and unexpected ways. She supported my decision to be a part of AOL’s Connected, and making this series about my life has brought up real and somewhat unexplored issues, but it didn’t break us up.”
And here’s Susan trolling for new trade at the Hamburg Trade Fair in Germany last week.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty