Archives: March 2015

David Walliams And Lara Stone Are Done With Each Other

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

When Little Britain’s David Walliams and Justin Bieber’s one-time babysitter Lara Stone added to the definition of random back in 2010 by marrying each other, Michael K made a joke that if she didn’t do something about her SANS EYEBROWS wedding day situation, she’d be using a Sharpie to sign divorce papers. Well, 5 years later she did do something about her eyebrows, but it looks like the curse of the janky eyebrows was just too strong, because the Telegraph says that after 5 years of marriage, 43-year-old David and 31-year-old Lara are calling it quits.

So far their split is pretty Lifetime-y; Lara reportedly moved out of their house last night and took their 1-year-old son Alfred and their dog Bert with her. Nooo! Not Bert! This is turning into some Not Without My Dog-er nonsense. So far they’ve classified their current situation as a “trial separation”. No word on what broke them up, so until we find out the details, I’m sticking with eyebrow curse.

Although maybe shit started to go south in their marriage shortly after Lara shot that CK training pants campaign and David realized he just couldn’t compete with such a notoriously sexy super stud like Justin Bieber. Yeah, that’s definitely it.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Anna Allen, the Spanish actress who got caught lying about going to the Oscars and faking pictures with Photoshop. And just like that, Phoebe Price has signed up for a Photoshop course at the Learning Annex.

Anna Allen has a few TV and theater credits in Spain, but she’s finally getting the worldwide fame (not really) she deserves after the Spanish media and people on social media exposed the shameless Photoshop stunts she pulled on her 22,000 Instagram followers. Anna bragged about being invited to the Oscars, going to the Oscars and shooting an episode of The Big Bang Theory. But after graphic artist experts (aka anybody with eyes) examined the pictures, it was discovered that Anna copy + pasted her face over the face of others and Photoshopped her entire body in front of the Oscars backdrop. Bitch is where crazy and shameless meet.

The Daily Mail says that Anna Instagrammed a picture of “her” Oscar invitation, but the picture was just a re-post of Lupita Nyong’o's invitation and she cropped the name out. Anna also told a Spanish newspaper that she met Neil Patrick Harris and talked to him for a long time. Anna Allen is that 6th grade classmate of mine who told everyone that her family went to the Virgin Islands with Brian Austin Green’s family and she hung out with him all summer long. The lie-teller got caught when another classmate asked her, “Um, didn’t I see you having dinner with your family at the Olive Garden during summer break, bitch?

Anna Allen’s stream of lies runs 10 miles long. She also got caught trying to pass off pictures from Sophia Bush’s Instagram account as her own and she pasted herself into a promo picture of the BBC mini-series Emma to make it look like she starred in it with Johnny Lee Miller. Here’s the picture of a Photoshopped Anna posing with the cast of TBBT. She pasted her face over Summer Glau’s face. It must have taken experts dozens of hours to prove that this picture is a fake, because the work is so impeccable and I’m sure Mariah Carey has already begged Anna to be lead artist of her in-house Photoshop team.

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After Anna was called out, she deleted all of her social media accounts. It was too late. She became a meme and people made fun of her by pasting her face over Leonardo DiCaprio’s face in a still from that “I’m flying” scene in Titanic and by Photoshopping her into Ellen’s selfie pic from last year’s Oscars.

Anna not only faked going to the 2015 Oscars, she faked going to the 2014 Oscars too. She Instgrammed this picture which is supposed to be her at the 2014 Oscars, but it’s actually a picture of Kasia Smutniak at the 2013 Rome Film Festival.

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That dress may look like it’s black and gold, but it’s actually white and gold. Don’t trust anything Anna Allen shows you. Brian Williams, who?! Anna Allen is the real mastermind fibber of our time! She deserves a real Oscar for this.

(For Alejandro)

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Birthday Sluts

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Ivy Queen (43)
Brooklyn Beckham (16)
Bobbi Kristina Brown (22)
Andrea Bowen (25)
Erin Heatherton (26)
Josh Bowman (27)
Whitney Port (30)
K. Michelle (31)
Landon Donovan (33)
Len Wiseman (42)
Chaz Bono (46)
Patsy Kensit (47)
Evan Dando (48)
Sam Taylor-Wood (48)
Steven Weber (54)
Mykelti Williamson (55)
Patricia Heaton (57)
Catherine O’Hara (61)
Adrian Zmed (61)
Emilio Estefan Jr. (62)
Ronn Moss (63)
Carroll Baker (66)
James Ellroy (67)
Paula Prentiss (77)

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SANTO DIOS: The Difficult Brown Is Somebody’s Father

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

So now we know that Chris Brown’s jizz works and he’s able to procreate. Um, my only question is, who wants to stowaway with me on a rocket headed for the another planet?

TMZ says that there’s a human child on this planet who can call The Difficult Brown his father. 25-year-old Chris has a 9-month-old daughter with some 31-year-old model type named Nia. They’ve known each other for a couple of years and they’re supposedly friendly even though they’re not together. TMZ says that as far as they know there’s no formal child support arrangement in place and they’re not sure if The Difficult Brown is giving her cash. Chris Brown is a piece of corroded corn stuck in a turd so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t paying for his kid.

Yes, Chris Brown is a father to a girl. This is seriously happening. Even though his kid is only 9 months old, I’m sure she can already say, “Let’s go on Maury.

Somewhere, RiRi is blowing out a weed cloud of relief into Leonardo DiCaprio’s b-hole, because she’s probably glad it’s not her. And I don’t know whether or not Karrueche Tran is screaming “NOOOOOOO” while doing the slow wall slide of sadness or if she’s doing the happy dance of glee as her ovary eggs cry tears of relief because they’re glad Chris Brown’s sperm fish never punched their way into them.

Night Crumbs

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Lainey has a blind item about some newish Hollywood mom who snorted a few lines of the Lohan powder in front of strangers. This could really be all of them and I’m not exaggerating this time. I’m surprised all new moms and dads aren’t snorting huge, fat lines of the bad shit out in the open at all times, because that is a natural reaction to trying to deal with a screaming baby - Lainey Gossip

This has to be the most boring royal fight ever and I’m sure they’ll settle it with a game of backgammon while sipping decaf Earl Grey tea – Celebitchy

I fully expect to see Brit Brit’s escapee weave on eBay and I’m sure Daddy Spears will be the seller – Drunken Stepfather

Andy Cohen promises a bombshell on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion and my guess is that Giggy Vanderpump will reveal that he’s actually a cat – Reality Tea

“HA!” said the Hammaconda who eats average-sized dicks as an amuse-bouche before dinner (and yes, I’m considering fapping to the image of Jon Hamm’s dick eating dicks) – Jezebel

Russell Tovey tries to clarify his “I’m glad I’m not a flaming flamer from FlameVille” comment – Towleroad

AnnaLynne McCord or a middle-aged Nevada socialite on her way to audition for The Real Housewives of Reno? – Popoholic

Spencer Pratt’s existence is driving Anna Kendrick to suicidal thoughts – Pajiba

Um, I don’t see a picture of Richard SimmonsThe Berry

I see that Khlozilla has been using the in-house Photoshop team – The Superficial

Kelly Brook’s pap pictures aren’t the same without that big bag of muscles wobbling behind her in shorty shorts – Hollywood Tuna

#THEDRESS was on Ellen, because of course it was – Just Jared

Madge totally fucked that sock afterward and I hope it’s her new boy toy – Boy Culture

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Edward Snowden: This is what that looks like – IDLYITW

I bet Barney totally wants to sex on that purple vagina on Bjork’s chest – OMG Blog

BREAKING: Justin Timberlake actually posted a picture of his wife’s face on Instagram – Popsugar

Hilary Duff looks really happy and excited to be pooting out a fart on the cover of CosmoICYDK

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Who Is February’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Bart the Zombie Cat’s reign as Hot Slut of the Month has come to an end and it’s time for him to pass the tattered and busted crown on to someone else so that he can get back to doing better things like destroying humanity for burying him alive.

Just like last month, the 3 Hot Slut of the Days who got the most Facebook likes will compete along with a finalist of my choice . Here’s the 4 HSOTM finalists:

Susy Diaz – The gorgeous Peruvian blossom who’s an all-around talent and stole the show when she dance bombed Fifth Harmony’s performance on the Today.

The “Don’t Give A Fuck” Pussy - The fluffy white rebel who lives to hear us humans beg for mercy!

Velvet – The TV pilot from 1984 that was a Charlie’s Angels knock-off starring Shari Belafonte and other superstars.

Edy Williams - The former shameless red carpet queen of the Oscars who paved the way for Phoebe Price and Bai Ling.

It isn’t hard to guess which one is my pick. It’s Edy Williams who didn’t get nearly as many as FB likes as the others and I’m guessing that’s because so many are jealous of her beauty, glamour, modesty, grace and style. That’s okay. I’m sure Edy is used to it.

Voting is below and the winner will be announced on Monday, March 9th. It’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made since last month when you voted for January’s HSOTM. Happy voting!

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A Teenage Kennedy Played The “Google Me” Card When A Club Wouldn’t Let Her In

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Courtenay Semel’s impact lives on!

In 2008, Courtenay Semel, the daughter of some Yahoo! exec and Tila Tequila’s one-time scissor sister, mouth queefed up the phrase of the year when she shouted,Google me, you dumb fuck,” at a bouncer she got into a fight with at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Well, it’s been 7 years later and entitled spoiled assholes are still using her beautiful words of poetry.

Page Six says that 19-year-old Kyra Kennedy, the daughter of Robert Kennedy Jr., went full bitch outside of club Lava at the Turning Stone Resort Casino in Verona, New York on Thursday night when the bouncer refused to let her ass in. Some witness says that Kyra was already ten layers of drunk when she showed up. The club is 21 and over, so Kyra came prepared. She brought her sister Kathleen “Kick” Kennedy’s passport with her and tried to pass it off as her own. The bouncer wasn’t buying it and that’s when the laughs and fuckery ensued.

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Open Post: Hosted By Prince’s Junior High School Basketball Picture

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Libor Jany of the Minneapolis Star Tribune went deep into the archives and found and tweeted this picture of Prince serving up some smirk in his junior high school basketball picture. That glorious afro weighs more than him and I bet he still owned the game.

Before becoming the human form of a unicorn’s horn, Prince was a member of the Bryant Junior High School basketball team and his old coach said he was a really good player. Prince is about as tall as a Calla Lilly’s yellow dick (or whatever that part is called) so I can’t even imagine him playing basketball.

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But seriously, I believe his coach. Not only was Prince a great player, but he was probably the best player that ever existed at Bryant Junior High School and beyond. Although, I think his coach got a few things wrong and forgot some shit. Because I’m sure Prince won every game for his team without having to dribble or throw that ball. At the start of every quarter, Prince would throw a side-eye at his opponents and they’d immediately pass out on the court from being hit with that much attitude. Then his teammates would stack those passed-out bodies like stairs and Prince would stomp on up to the hoop and gracefully drop in the ball before throwing his head over his shoulder and letting out a pout. GAME: BLOUSES.

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Robert Pattinson Might Have Given FKA Twigs A Promise Ring

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And now for some news that will surely send those last few dozen die-hard Robsten fangirls into a violent rage spiral. According to People, things are getting pretty serious between former vampire/current handsome hipster Robert Pattinson and the singer who looks like she was created in a sexy humid factory by Prince, FKA Twigs. A friend of RPattz and FKATwattz says that after dating for five months, they’re both wearing promise rings. The source goes on to add:

“He wants to marry her. [He's] much more calm and happy than before. They are inseparable when they are together. They live at his house.”

I’d say that comment about being ‘much more happy than before’ was a subtle swipe at RPattz’s first famous girlfriend Kristen Stewart, but that’s a bit of a reach. Even KStew would be like “Eh, no offense taken; I wasn’t thrilled about the situation either” before hollering at Alicia Cargile to put on her shoes for their 4th coffee run of the day.

I’m really happy those two crazy kids found love and are having a good time rubbing their horny bits against each other in The House That Twilight Built, but promise rings? Don’t they seem a little too cool for promise rings? They strike me as more of the Sure, Whatever ring type. Oh well, jewelery is jewelery. Besides, maybe it’s not even an ‘I promise to marry you’ ring; maybe it’s an ‘I promise to always tell you when your hair looks 8-layers of NO‘ ring. That’s the kind of promise ring I can get behind.

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