Archives: March 2015

Harrison Ford Barely Got Out Of The Hospital Following That Plane Crash

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

After Harrison Ford pulled a Pepaw Goes Down by crash landing his itsy bitsy plane on a golf course in L.A. on March 5th, his son said he was doing okay and I figured that the nurses just poured some vodka on his wounds, shined up his earring and sent him on his way. But Harrison Ford was broke off and tore off after that crash. Harrison had to spend over 3 weeks in the hospital getting himself back together. I know, who knew a 72-year-old would have to nibble on tapioca pudding in the hospital for over 21 days after he nearly broke all his bones from going BOOM on the ground. I just hope that Angelica from one of my favorite Harrison Ford movies Six Days, Seven Nights visited him in the hospital and did her hot exotic dance of seduction for him. And yes, I know that I’ll probably be forced to spend 21 days in the mental hospital for admitting that Six Days, Seven Nights is one of my favorite Harrison Ford movies.

UsWeekly says that Harrison was sent home sometime late last week. A source said that Harrison busted his pelvis and ankle. He will continue to get treatment at a rehab facility.

As for Harrison’s old ass plane, a source say that a beagle wearing a red scarf picked it up from the junkyard. That plane is finally with its rightful owner and now Snoopy can really get that Red Baron.

Open Post: Hosted By RiRi Wearing I Don’t Even Know

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Dear bitch who better have RiRi’s money, please give it to her already so she can buy a real damn outfit. Her Tidal check hasn’t come in yet, obviously.

RiRi left some event at Opening Ceremony in NYC yesterday looking like a hobo hooker who’s always ready for a rainstorm. That mess of an outfit looks like a fashion interpretation of a Kanye rant. None of it makes sense. That outfit probably costs more than a trip to Disneyland for a family of 4 (and that costs approximately $13,000 and a healthy kidney), but if you really want that wreck on your body, you can easily get the look for less!

Go to the section of a park where all the old men play chess while eating ice cream. At least 60% of those old men will be wearing a hat like the one RiRi’s wearing. Pick out the old man you can outrun, snatch his hat off of his head and immediately run your ass to the nearest thrift store. Go to the 90s section and find a bikini top and jeans. Cut the jeans into the shape of granny panties and accessorize them with the button-down shirt one of your one-night Tinder tricks left at your apartment. Now head to one of those restaurants with paper tablecloths for the kids to draw on with crayons. When those brats aren’t looking, yank that tablecloth off the table and wear it as a jacket. To finish off the look, buy a scrub brush at the dollar store, cut the black bristles off and glue that shit onto your forehead. Voila! Instant rainy day hobo hooker glamour!

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash


Julianne Moore Got Fired From A Turkish Tourism Campaign Because They Thought Her Acting Sucked

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Meanwhile, Julianne Moore is like “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my ACADEMY AWARD.” According to the Hürriyet Daily News (via New York Daily News), Julianne Moore was recently dropped as the face of a Turkish tourism campaign and in a twist of irony, the official reason written on her pink slip was “poor acting”.

Julianne was hired to appear in a promotional tourism video as part of a campaign called “Home Of”, which would feature Julianne talking about childhood trips to Turkey with her family. It was supposedly shot last year in Los Angeles (apparently some parts of LA look like Istanbul?) and was set to air in Turkey in February of 2014. The only problem was the people at Turkey’s Ministry of Culture and Toursim saw it, they weren’t happy with her performance and wanted her to re-shoot it. But when they called up Julianne, she was all “Sorry Turkey, Julianne Moore doesn’t do re-shoots“. That’s when Turkey shitcanned the whole thing and blamed it on Julianne Moore’s “poor acting”.

Apparently, Turkey’s beef (I’ll show myself out) with Julianne might have started way before they began filming. The Hürriyet Daily News says that when Julianne was chosen as the face of the “Home Of” campaign, many people pulled a Michael Bluth-style “Her?” because she was perceived as having a “depressive persona.” Wait, they do know Julianne Moore and Laura Brown from The Hours aren’t the same person, right?

The company who filmed Julianne Moore’s tourism video hasn’t said what kind of re-shoots needed to happen, but I’m sure they could have just subbed in some clips of Nancy Donovan from 30 Rock and Maggie from Boogie Nights. Sure, the accents would be all over the place, but no one is going to notice if they’re too busy wondering “No really…why is Julianne Moore trying to sell me on a trip to Turkey?

Michael Jackson Prank Called Russell Crowe For Three Years

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Either Russell Crowe is telling the truth and he’s a useless shit for not recording those golden nuggets to later gift the world with or bitch did a lot of LSD.

The bearded Kiwi walrus did an interview with The Guardian to promote his directorial debut The Water Diviner and while talking to them about stuff, he told them that Michael Jackson used to prank call him for years. Russell Crowe punching the air while screaming “Crikey, he got me again!” after MJ crank called him is something I thought only existed in a fever dream.

“For two or three fucking years,” he says. “I never met him, never shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn’t matter where I was, he’d ring up do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know. ‘Is Mr Wall there? Is Mrs Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what’s holding the roof up? Ha ha.’ You’re supposed to grow out of doing that, right?”

How did Michael Jackson find out what hotel Russell Crowe was staying at? (Possible answer: Detective La Toya can track down anyone!) If Russell was so annoyed by Michael Jackson’s prank calling, why didn’t he just check in with a different fake name? (Possible answer: Because Russell Crowe is in dim in the brains and was outsmarted by MJ over and over again!) How did Russell Crowe know it was Michael Jackson? (Possible answer: Because he’d always hear a bunch of giggling boys in the background.) Well, I guess when you’re Michael Jackson and the Jesus Juice is flowing during a slumber party at Neverland, you have fun by prank calling Russell Crowe. I can’t wait to hear other random stories about how MJ toilet papered Jean-Claude Van Damme’s house and poured Rice Krispies all over Anne Archer’s front lawn.

And this explains why Russell Crowe threw that hotel desk phone.

Here’s Russell with Olga Kurylenko at a photo call for The Water Diviner in Madrid the other day.


Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Claim The View Wanted To Take Her Back

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg, seen above looking like an auto show girl-turned-aspiring pop singer and her manager/boyfriend/Hard Rock Cafe enthuriast, recently made an appearance on Howard Stern’s SiriuXM radio show, and of course they started talking about Jenny’s old job at The View. Since the most contagious virus you can catch from having unprotected sex with Jenny McCarthy is bullshititis, Donnie burped up some “Sure, Jan” story about how shortly after Rosie O’Donnell filed her walking papers, The View called up his wife and begged her to come back.

“She’s very gracious about The View, and I will say, I told her the day that she left, I said, ‘They’re gonna ask you back within six months.’ And she won’t say it, but they did. Not officially, but they did.”

That’s when Jenny elaborated on Donnie’s story by adding:

“One of the producers called and said, would I ever consider it? And I said, ‘No, thank you’ because I couldn’t be me! You know — you called it from the start. I couldn’t be myself.”

Remember from 3 seconds ago that thing Donnie said about Jenny being very gracious about The View? I guess Donnie’s definition of gracious includes the words “acting like a shady bitch“, because when asked about the future of The View, Jenny ripped the following stinky poo whisper in their direction:

“They might try one more year and then I think the Titanic might go down.”

I guess that would make Jenny one of the rats who jumped off the ship? No! That doesn’t make any sense – the rats chose to jump, whereas Jenny McCarthy was pretty much pushed. It’s also highly offensive to rats. I’m sorry Remy!

A Strange Thing Happened Yesterday…

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.

If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.


People Have Discovered Some Of Trevor Noah’s Old Tweets And They’re Not Happy (UPDATE)

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Because we live in a time where every cringeworthy moment of our lives will live on forever thanks to the internet (example: that SANS FARDS picture of Katy Perry, a video of myself deep-throating a Choco Taco that won’t disappear no matter how hard I pray), it was only a matter of time before someone found something dirty on the new host of The Daily Show Trevor NoahThe New York Times says that shortly after he was named Jon Stewart’s successor yesterday, people who had no idea who Trevor Noah was decided to get a better idea of the new Daily Show host by reading some of his stuff on Twitter. Unfortunately, some of his tweets were not met with LOLs, and now people are pissed.

Most of them are from when he first started tweeting back in 2009, so of course they’re as regrettable as you can expect from a not-yet-famous person would be:


Zayn Malik Has Already Released His First Solo Song

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Only a few days ago, pompadours were lowered to half-staff when sad-eyed woeful twink angel Zayn Malik quit the group of crooning come-to-life Precious Moments figurines known as One Direction. Zayn apparently checked out of 1D, because he was sick of fame, and I guess what he meant by that is he was sick of sharing fame with those four twinks and wanted that spotlight all to himself! Zayn IS ready for his solo close-up, Mr. DeMille.

A quick second after Zayn left 1D (Important side note: My little cousin pronounces 1D as “Wendy“) to be “a normal 22-year-old,” he was spotted at a recording studio with some producer named Naughty Boy (which sounds like Tommy Girl’s Grindr name). I figured that Zayn was just recording a haunting goodbye lullaby to his fans before retiring to a desolate farm in Greenland to make volume gel out of goat milk and his sad tears. But nope, Zayn was working on a solo song. ESCANDALO (not at all)!

Last night, Louis Tomlinson of 1D (the Hugga Bunch doll with luscious merengue hair on the left) slapped at Naughty Boy on Twatter by tweeting: “Wow @NaughtyBoyMusic you’re so inconsiderate pal , seriously how fucking old are you ? Grow up ! #masterofallwisdom.” Naughty Boy slapped back a few times and it became the hardest and baddest music fight since the East Coast vs. West Coast battle. Naughty Boy eventually burped up a demo of the song he worked on with Zayn called “I Won’t Mind.

Okay, so I get that Zayn was lying when he said that he just wants to be a normal person and what he really wants is to be the Justin Timberlake of One Direction. I get it. But this is his big “coming out as a single bitch” song?! It sounds like a song you’d hearing during a montage at the end of an episode of a show on The CW. I think I said “Bitch, say what?” at least four times during that song, because I had no idea what he was singing. It sounds like he’s singing while he’s got a peen in his mouth after getting a root canal. It sounds like he just graduated from Iggy Azalea’s School of Enunciation.

He should’ve learned from Ginger Spice and showed up with a real masterpiece that lets hos know to look at him and ignore those other 4 he was in a group with.

10 Words I Never Thought I’d Say: Martha Stewart Killed It At Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central Roast

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.


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