Archives: March 2015

The Horny Backwoods Love Between Miley Cyrus And Patrick Schwarzenegger Might Be Dead

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Uh oh, there goes Billy Ray’s dream of floatin’ round in the fancy cee-ment pond at the Kennedy Compound this summer. According to The Enquirer (via Radar), the molly-dusted 4-month-old photo op love affair between hillbilly princess Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger might be over.

A source (Hollerin’ Hank who lives down at the ol’ shouting tree) claims that Miley was expecting Patrick to put an engagement ring on her hitchin’ finger this Valentine’s Day, which he didn’t, and now she’s disappointed. That surprises me; Miley and her family has always struck me as less of an engagement ring type and more of a shotgun wedding type.

And it sounds like Miley is going to be waiting a while for that ring. Patrick has apparently been talking to one of them handsome Hemsworth brothers, and he was advised not to go to Jared. The source says that Miley’s former fiance Liam Hemsworth felt like he owed it to Patrick to warn him about making a serious commitment to Miley, because he has experienced her “dark side” first hand. Dark side? I don’t know if that goofy hillbilly is deep enough to have a dark side. Miley is probably the type who quits a Ouija board 6 minutes in because she gets too impatient. “Listen y’all, I’m gonna go roll a joint. Holler at me if one of those dang ghosts shows up and says something spooky.

Of course, this could all just be jealous moonshine talk from the local meth head whose is still sore that Miley went and broke his heart by snaggin’ herself a fancy city boy. Who knows. But here’s Patrick and Miley looking like they don’t hate each other while going for a hike with Nicole Richie (???) and some friends this weekend:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Good News For Skinny Ass Models, This Hotness Is Still Available

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Leonardo DiCatchAHo doesn’t really release statements about his personal life, because if he shat up a response every time the tabloids said he was rubbing his sex parts on a new trick, he’d have to hire a 10-person PR team since he’s always rubbing his sex parts on a new trick. But after TMZ posted pictures of RiRi and Leo standing next to each other at her birthday party and said that they were close all night, his rep told The Los Angeles Times in a statement that he is one hundred percent single and has been single for months.

A rep for DiCaprio told the Los Angeles Times that the actor “is single and has been for some time,” adding that he’s “been focused shooting” Oscar-winning director Alejandro G. Inarritu’s adventure drama “The Revenant” in Canada “for months.”

As Lainey points out, Leonardo kept his lips shut when it was rumored that he did sex with Miranda Kerr while she was still married to Orlando Bloom. So Lainey thinks he might not want people to think that he’s dating RiRi full-time and might be embarrassed. Um, the only thing Leonardo should be embarrassed about is that wombat’s ass on his face. It was reported that RiRi and Leonardo are keeping it casual (aka are just fuck buddies who toke and bone), so maybe he is technically single. Or maybe TMZ is right and RiRi is a stage 10 clinger and this statement is Leo’s way of letting her know that he’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his dick is tied isn’t tied down to any one cooch.

Whatever the case may be, every Victoria’s Secret executive just pulled themselves off of the puddle of tears they made and smiled for the first time in weeks, because there’s a chance that Leo will start humping a VS Angel once again.

(Thanks, MC)

Conrad Hilton Will Plead Guilty To Being An Asshole On A Plane

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I didn’t really before, but I think I now understand what people mean when they say someone has a “punchable face“.

So remember last month when we found out that Paris Hilton’s pressurized back cyst of a brother Conrad Hilton had erupted on a plane in July, spraying his stinky ‘come at me bro’-scented cyst cheese all over the place by way of allegedly threatening to kill flight attendants and referring to them as “fucking peasants”? Usually when an asshole gets caught being an asshole, there’s a 99.999% chance they’ll lawyer up and deny the whole thing. However, it must be a full moon, because People says that Conrad Hilton is taking responsibility for acting like a garbage person.

On Tuesday, Conrad signed an agreement to plead guilty to assault, and is due to appear in court tomorrow. Apparently threatening to kill a bunch of flight attendants and behaving like trash is considered a misdemeanor charge, which usually means a $5,000 fine and up to six months in jail, but prosecutors say they’re only going to ask for probation.

Poor Conrad Hilton; I bet that at this very minute, he’s at home tearfully slathering his wrists in Crème de la Mer in preparation for the brutal slapping he’s about to receive. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and tomorrow morning one of those prosecutors will be like “Sike! Just kidding! The fucking peasants request that Conrad Hilton’s ass be thrown in jail.

Pic: Conrad Hilton

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In “Sure, Jan” News, Karrueche Tran Says She’s Forever Done With Chris Brown

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t even know why I’m bothering with this post. I’m sure that by the time I hit the publish button, Karkoochie Tran will be spinning on Chris Brown’s anteater nose dick once again. Thank you to the dude laughing in the car for perfectly expressing my thoughts about this.

We’ve seen the words “Karreuche Tran breaks up with Chris Brown again” more than we’ve seen the words “Chris Brown fucked up again” and that’s saying a lot. For the 4,567,910th time (I’m underestimating) in her life, Karmachameleon Tran says that she’s washing her hands clean of Chris Brown’s bullshit and will never go back to him. We’ve heard that all before and we’ll hear it again. Karreuche isn’t leaving Chris Brown, because she finally woke up from the dickmatized haze she was in and realized she’s been dating Chris Brown for years. She’s leaving him, because she can’t deal with him putting a baby into a uterus that doesn’t belong to her. She’s not her for the baby drama. Oh, but she was there for the douche drama? Okay. The full-time Instagram model is probably just mad that this baby’s child support might fuck with her weekly allowance. Karreuche announced her 10,000th break up from The Difficult Brown in this tweet:

Karreuche needs to either rid herself of The Difficult Brown once and for all or she needs to step up her gold digging game by following the 4 Gs: Get married, get a baby, get paid and get out. We all know that in a few months, the paps will take pictures of her babysitting Chris Brown’s kid at Chuck E. Cheese while he’s off bareback boning another trick.

The Baller Alert also says that there’s a chance the kid is not Chris Brown’s daughter. A guy on Instagram claims that he was told the 9-month-old girl is his and he’s been raising her. They obviously need to go to Maury to handle this. If Chris Brown is not the father, I must see that 9-month-old girl get on her feet and do the “Not The Father” dance of joy after finding out she’s not related to The Difficult Brown.

And here’s some pictures that TMZ found of Chris Brown’s maybe baby mother giving you “the spawn of Garfield and Nicole Richie” in her “modeling” pictures.

Pics: Wenn.com, Model Mayhem

David Walliams And Lara Stone Are Done With Each Other

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

When Little Britain’s David Walliams and Justin Bieber’s one-time babysitter Lara Stone added to the definition of random back in 2010 by marrying each other, Michael K made a joke that if she didn’t do something about her SANS EYEBROWS wedding day situation, she’d be using a Sharpie to sign divorce papers. Well, 5 years later she did do something about her eyebrows, but it looks like the curse of the janky eyebrows was just too strong, because the Telegraph says that after 5 years of marriage, 43-year-old David and 31-year-old Lara are calling it quits.

So far their split is pretty Lifetime-y; Lara reportedly moved out of their house last night and took their 1-year-old son Alfred and their dog Bert with her. Nooo! Not Bert! This is turning into some Not Without My Dog-er nonsense. So far they’ve classified their current situation as a “trial separation”. No word on what broke them up, so until we find out the details, I’m sticking with eyebrow curse.

Although maybe shit started to go south in their marriage shortly after Lara shot that CK training pants campaign and David realized he just couldn’t compete with such a notoriously sexy super stud like Justin Bieber. Yeah, that’s definitely it.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Anna Allen, the Spanish actress who got caught lying about going to the Oscars and faking pictures with Photoshop. And just like that, Phoebe Price has signed up for a Photoshop course at the Learning Annex.

Anna Allen has a few TV and theater credits in Spain, but she’s finally getting the worldwide fame (not really) she deserves after the Spanish media and people on social media exposed the shameless Photoshop stunts she pulled on her 22,000 Instagram followers. Anna bragged about being invited to the Oscars, going to the Oscars and shooting an episode of The Big Bang Theory. But after graphic artist experts (aka anybody with eyes) examined the pictures, it was discovered that Anna copy + pasted her face over the face of others and Photoshopped her entire body in front of the Oscars backdrop. Bitch is where crazy and shameless meet.

The Daily Mail says that Anna Instagrammed a picture of “her” Oscar invitation, but the picture was just a re-post of Lupita Nyong’o's invitation and she cropped the name out. Anna also told a Spanish newspaper that she met Neil Patrick Harris and talked to him for a long time. Anna Allen is that 6th grade classmate of mine who told everyone that her family went to the Virgin Islands with Brian Austin Green’s family and she hung out with him all summer long. The lie-teller got caught when another classmate asked her, “Um, didn’t I see you having dinner with your family at the Olive Garden during summer break, bitch?

Anna Allen’s stream of lies runs 10 miles long. She also got caught trying to pass off pictures from Sophia Bush’s Instagram account as her own and she pasted herself into a promo picture of the BBC mini-series Emma to make it look like she starred in it with Johnny Lee Miller. Here’s the picture of a Photoshopped Anna posing with the cast of TBBT. She pasted her face over Summer Glau’s face. It must have taken experts dozens of hours to prove that this picture is a fake, because the work is so impeccable and I’m sure Mariah Carey has already begged Anna to be lead artist of her in-house Photoshop team.

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After Anna was called out, she deleted all of her social media accounts. It was too late. She became a meme and people made fun of her by pasting her face over Leonardo DiCaprio’s face in a still from that “I’m flying” scene in Titanic and by Photoshopping her into Ellen’s selfie pic from last year’s Oscars.

Anna not only faked going to the 2015 Oscars, she faked going to the 2014 Oscars too. She Instgrammed this picture which is supposed to be her at the 2014 Oscars, but it’s actually a picture of Kasia Smutniak at the 2013 Rome Film Festival.

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That dress may look like it’s black and gold, but it’s actually white and gold. Don’t trust anything Anna Allen shows you. Brian Williams, who?! Anna Allen is the real mastermind fibber of our time! She deserves a real Oscar for this.

(For Alejandro)

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Birthday Sluts

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Ivy Queen (43)
Brooklyn Beckham (16)
Bobbi Kristina Brown (22)
Andrea Bowen (25)
Erin Heatherton (26)
Josh Bowman (27)
Whitney Port (30)
K. Michelle (31)
Landon Donovan (33)
Len Wiseman (42)
Chaz Bono (46)
Patsy Kensit (47)
Evan Dando (48)
Sam Taylor-Wood (48)
Steven Weber (54)
Mykelti Williamson (55)
Patricia Heaton (57)
Catherine O’Hara (61)
Adrian Zmed (61)
Emilio Estefan Jr. (62)
Ronn Moss (63)
Carroll Baker (66)
James Ellroy (67)
Paula Prentiss (77)

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SANTO DIOS: The Difficult Brown Is Somebody’s Father

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

So now we know that Chris Brown’s jizz works and he’s able to procreate. Um, my only question is, who wants to stowaway with me on a rocket headed for the another planet?

TMZ says that there’s a human child on this planet who can call The Difficult Brown his father. 25-year-old Chris has a 9-month-old daughter with some 31-year-old model type named Nia. They’ve known each other for a couple of years and they’re supposedly friendly even though they’re not together. TMZ says that as far as they know there’s no formal child support arrangement in place and they’re not sure if The Difficult Brown is giving her cash. Chris Brown is a piece of corroded corn stuck in a turd so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t paying for his kid.

Yes, Chris Brown is a father to a girl. This is seriously happening. Even though his kid is only 9 months old, I’m sure she can already say, “Let’s go on Maury.

Somewhere, RiRi is blowing out a weed cloud of relief into Leonardo DiCaprio’s b-hole, because she’s probably glad it’s not her. And I don’t know whether or not Karrueche Tran is screaming “NOOOOOOO” while doing the slow wall slide of sadness or if she’s doing the happy dance of glee as her ovary eggs cry tears of relief because they’re glad Chris Brown’s sperm fish never punched their way into them.

Night Crumbs

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Lainey has a blind item about some newish Hollywood mom who snorted a few lines of the Lohan powder in front of strangers. This could really be all of them and I’m not exaggerating this time. I’m surprised all new moms and dads aren’t snorting huge, fat lines of the bad shit out in the open at all times, because that is a natural reaction to trying to deal with a screaming baby - Lainey Gossip

This has to be the most boring royal fight ever and I’m sure they’ll settle it with a game of backgammon while sipping decaf Earl Grey tea – Celebitchy

I fully expect to see Brit Brit’s escapee weave on eBay and I’m sure Daddy Spears will be the seller – Drunken Stepfather

Andy Cohen promises a bombshell on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion and my guess is that Giggy Vanderpump will reveal that he’s actually a cat – Reality Tea

“HA!” said the Hammaconda who eats average-sized dicks as an amuse-bouche before dinner (and yes, I’m considering fapping to the image of Jon Hamm’s dick eating dicks) – Jezebel

Russell Tovey tries to clarify his “I’m glad I’m not a flaming flamer from FlameVille” comment – Towleroad

AnnaLynne McCord or a middle-aged Nevada socialite on her way to audition for The Real Housewives of Reno? – Popoholic

Spencer Pratt’s existence is driving Anna Kendrick to suicidal thoughts – Pajiba

Um, I don’t see a picture of Richard SimmonsThe Berry

I see that Khlozilla has been using the in-house Photoshop team – The Superficial

Kelly Brook’s pap pictures aren’t the same without that big bag of muscles wobbling behind her in shorty shorts – Hollywood Tuna

#THEDRESS was on Ellen, because of course it was – Just Jared

Madge totally fucked that sock afterward and I hope it’s her new boy toy – Boy Culture

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Edward Snowden: This is what that looks like – IDLYITW

I bet Barney totally wants to sex on that purple vagina on Bjork’s chest – OMG Blog

BREAKING: Justin Timberlake actually posted a picture of his wife’s face on Instagram – Popsugar

Hilary Duff looks really happy and excited to be pooting out a fart on the cover of CosmoICYDK

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