Sing with me now: “Hold me closer, lion daaaaaancer“.
One of the more WTF-worthy headlines I saw this morning was “Lion Eats Prince William’s Head”. Naturally, my mind immediately went to a place that involved a segment from an episode of When Animals Attack: Royals Edition featuring Prince William calling for the help of The Queen’s elite team of RescueCorgis while a lion gnawed at his head like it was a loaf of sourdough.
As it turns out, it was far less dramatic and way more adorable than what I had imagined. PW was visiting The Chime of Hope Shopping Centre in Ishinomaki, Japan and he was greeted by several lion dancers. I don’t know much about lion dancers, besides the fact that they sort of look like Grubby from Teddy Ruxpin had a baby with a festive tablecloth, but I’m guessing they were going to town on Will’s cranium because it’s good luck to attempt to swallow the head of a royal dude. “That’s not the only royal dude whose head I’d like to go to town on, if you know what I’m saying” followed by a picture of Prince Hot Ginge is the text I’m predicting I’ll receive in about 5 seconds from Michael K.
Here’s more of PW getting some kisses (???) from his lion dancer friends. It’s a good thing Baby Prince George didn’t come with him, otherwise those lion dancer heads probably would have ended up getting yanked off and his mounted on his tiny baby trophy wall.
And it begins! Mere minutes after Kelly Osbourne announced that she was saying Bye, Bitch to Fashion Police and thus retiring the phrase “You really needed to see it in person” forever, the decision-making hos at E! are starting to find their mailboxes stuffed full of resumes from desperates looking to fill her spot. Since Ryan Seacrest and his out-of-country business partner Satan practically run the E! network, the most obvious prediction for Kelly’s replacement would be Khloe Kardashian. Now UsWeekly is saying that Kelly’s replacement could be Khloe, but it could also be NeNe Leakes.
You know, at least until the next time she’s asked about her. NO! Taylor Swift is for-real done talking about the Veronica to her Betty, Katy Perry, no matter how much delicious attention it would get her. The human version of Debbie from The Oblongs recently told The Telegraph that you won’t hear the name of her former friend and current reason for why she goes though a 6-pack of scented glitter pens a month (scrawling the words SLUT SKANK BITCH 20 times a day in your Burn Book kills a ton of ink) leave her mouth hole ever again, because she is done talking about Katy Perry:
“I’m not giving them anything to write about. I’m not walking up the street with boys, I’m not stumbling out of clubs drunk. But I’m never going to talk about her in my interview. It’s not going to happen.”
She then added: “You hear that Gretchen? Stop tying to make our fight happen, it’s NOT going to happen“.
Tay Tay’s comments have me pulling a Marcia Brady-style “Nice try, Butterscotch“, because it’s a little redundant to say you don’t want to talk about someone and then proceed to talk about them. If she was really, truly done talking about Katy Perry, she should have pulled a Mimi and responded with a simple “I don’t know her.” THAT’S how you show someone you’re done talking about their ass.
And if you ever wanted to see what Tay Tay would look like if she bought a plaid poncho coat and went two shades darker on her lipstick, here’s Taylor Swift’s final Pokemon evolution form, Karlie Kloss, in Milan earlier today:
When a supposedly SANS PHOTOSHOP picture of Cindy Crawford in her underwear and one of old Cruella de Vil’s old Friday night fuck dusters from a Marie Claire Mexico shoot hit the internet, most of us gave Cindy a slow clap for serving up some 48-year-old mother of two body-oddy-oddy and keeping it real in the waist and face area. However, if there was anyone not joining in on the slow clapping for Cindy Crawford’s SANS PHOTOSHOP pic, it was probably Cindy Crawford, because according to the photographer who took it, that pic is a LIE.
TMZ says that a lawyer for Cindy’s photographer is claiming that the picture of a real-looking Cindy Crawford is fake as hell and is threatening the people who released it with a lawsuit unless they take it down and issue and apology. According to the photographer who shot Cindy, that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is actually BEAUCOUP DE PHOTOSHOP; they claim some shady asshole type stole the pic and went hard on her tummy with the burn tool in Photoshop to make her look old and stretch mark-y on purpose.
Meanwhile, Cindy’s response has been a little more subtle; the day after the picture was released, Cindy’s husband (and the Gretchen Wieners to George Clooney’s Regina George) Rande Gerber posted a picture of Cindy in a bikini to Instagram showing what her stomach really looks like. Then again, it could also be Photoshopped to hell and back. WHO KNOWS? I’m sure the truth is out there, but Mulder and Scully have better things to do than solve the mystery of the Photoshopped former supermodel tummy.
If it’s true and that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is, in fact, Photoshopped to hell and back, then I can’t help but wonder what kind of bitch would wanna do Cindy dirty like that. Can someone check Adobe’s records to see if they recently licensed a copy of Photoshop under the name “Naomi Campbell“?
The brick that wanted no part of this criminal ass fuckery!
Yes, this world is a jacked up place, but you know, every now and again, something happens exactly the way it should happen. Case in point: This Irish car thief tried to break into a car, but the brick wouldn’t let him be wrong. The Irish Independent says that this failed car thief is being called The Thick With The Brick, because when he tried to break a car window with a brick, the brick said “fuck no” to his antics and bounced back, hitting him in the head. And suddenly, I’m singing, “He’s a brick heeeeead,” to myself. Gerry Brady, the owner of a nearby pub, said that he and his girlfriend found the thief lying on the street with a busted face. They thought that maybe the poor dude got jumped and they tried to help him, but realized he was up to no good when he tried to grift their asses.
“He pulled himself up and said he wanted €50 for a taxi. I said ‘Not a chance, I’ve to pay for a new window mate’, that’s when he leaned in and told me he’d burn me out of the pub. I see you, I know you. I’ll burn you out. I’ll tell the gardas you beat me up. I’ll go to my solicitor.”
I’m not totally sure what, “I’ll burn you out. I’ll tell the gardas you beat me up,” means, but I do know that I need to use that line for serious at least once in my life. Gerry and his girlfriend quickly called the gardas. When the gardas picked the brick head up, he claimed that Gerry beat him up. But after the gardas watched the video from a surveillance camera, they not only found out the truth, but they also got the laugh of their lives.
“You should have heard the garda laughing when they saw the video. They were in stitches. Credit to them, they were straight out when we called and found the guy within minutes.”
And finally, here’s the full video of the dude trying to break the car window with smaller rocks before getting owned by that brick.
That brick is a national hero and I fully expect the gardas to give it a special award for its bravery and valor!
Javier Bardem (46)
Justin Bieber (21)
Daniella Monet (26)
Lupita Nyong’o (32)
Jensen Ackles (37)
Liya Kebede (37)
Esther Cañadas (38)
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (41)
George Eads (48)
Booker T (50)
Maurice Benard (52)
Russell Wong (52)
Tim Daly (59)
Catherine Bach (61)
Ron Howard (61)
Alan Thicke (68)
Dirk Benedict (70)
Roger Daltrey (71)
Robert Conrad (80)
Harry Belafonte (88)
Birthday Sluts for February 29th:
Lena Gercke (27)
Mark Foster (31)
Ja Rule (39)
Antonio Sabato Jr. (43)
Anthony Robbins (55)
Gretchen Christopher (75)
Jack Lousma (79)
Alex Rocco (79)
Joss Ackland (87)
Tempest Storm (87)
Pic: L’Uomo Vogue