Archives: March 2015

Night Crumbs

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Cousin Matthew from Downton Abbey is The Beast opposite Emma Watson’s Belle in the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. That skinny thing is the Beast? If the movie was called Beauty and the Twink, then maybe, but the Beast? The Beast’s dick is probably bigger than him. Was Joe ManJello not available? Or Chyna even?  - Just Jared

Ryan Reynolds is guarding his kid’s name like it’s covered in rare diamonds and is the headlining piece at the Louvre – Lainey Gossip

Porsha Williams has no business being a member of the Fashion Police. She needs to be arrested by the Fashion PoliceReality Tea

Noel Gallagher has opened up the library and is reading tricks up and down – Celebitchy

With a little help from Photoshop, Jessica Simpson got back into her Daisy Dukes – The Superficial

Elsa “Tacky” Pataky is in Women’s Health UK looking like she’s trying really hard not to piss in that pool – Drunken Stepfather

For why did I not watch The Bachelor this season?! – Jezebel

The latest trailer for the Avengers: Age of Ultron is out and it’s probably the reason why the streets have turned into a river of nerd cream – Towleroad

What in the HELL kind of GD outfit is Ceiling Eyes wearing? – Hollywood Tuna

Congratulations hipsters, you may have a new lesbian it couple in Cara Delawhatever and St. VincentOMG Blog

Why did Demi Lovato wear a skirt made of tires? – Popoholic

Two things: 1) Wheelchair Jimmy is doing a 34-year-old bartender named Bernice and; 2) There’s a living human on this planet under the age of 75 named Bernice – IDLYITW

Here’s the short film that later became the longer film Whiplash and watch it if you can make it past that still of J.K. Simmons looking like a demon hairless cat sent from the depths of Hell to eat your face – Pajiba

Adam from Girls is scared of the Internet – ICYDK

And here’s a bunch of pictures of Nathan Fillion wearing too many clothes – The Berry

Kelly Clarkson pulled a “never heard of her” on a professional British troll who called her fat – HuffPo

Dear Scott Eastwood, the next time you do a topless staged photo shoot with the paps, can you please not wear that belt. It’s hard to fap with that fugliness blinding me – Popsugar

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Chelsea Handler Denies She Got A Tit Lift By Showing Her Tits On Twitter

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Lately, you may have seen Chelsea Handler’s nipples more than you’ve seen your own, because she has splattered them all over Twitter to fight against Instagram’s anti-nipple policy. Chelsea does have a point, because I saw a topless picture of David Mcintosh on Instagram yesterday and his tits are bigger than hers. Chelsea’s been flashing her chichis more than John Travolta on Mardi Gras night in the Scientology bathhouse and she wants everyone to think she’s protesting for the #FreeTheNipple campaign. But a source tells UsWeekly that the real reason she keeps getting topless on Twitter is because she had her chichis lifted higher and wants to show them off.

The former E! host, who recently turned the big 4-0, had the surgery done because she was “stressed about looking saggy,” an insider tells Us.

“She is obsessed, so she keeps posting,” the source explains of all those topless snaps.

I don’t blame her. If I had my b-hole steamed, bleached and plumped up with fillers, I’d show it off on a billboard and in a public access commercial. But Chelsea quickly slapped that story down with her tits by saying on Twitter that many men have touched her chichis but a plastic surgeon wasn’t one of them. To prove that her chichis haven’t been touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel, she tweeted another picture of her bare chichis. The uncensored pic is after the cut because chichis.

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Luke Evans Will Play That Hot Douche Gaston In The Beauty And The Beast Movie

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

No one’s slick as Gaston
No one’s quick as Gaston
No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston
For there’s no man in town half as manly!

Based on those lyrics alone, Russell Tovey should play Gaston since he’s as manly as manly can be. But the role is probably going to 35-year-old Welsh hot piece Luke Evans who was in Dracula Untold, Immortals, Fast & Furious 6 and that Hobbit shit, and he’s the guy whose publicist really needs to take his fame to the next level by leaking a sex tape with his rumored” boyfriend Jon Kortajarena.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Luke is in talks to play Gaston opposite Emma Watson as Belle in that movie where some home intruder breaks into a castle to save her dad and ends up falling in love with an animal with the help of some inanimate objects she makes friends with. Emma Thompson has apparently been offered the role of Mrs. Potts. The live-action Beauty and the Beast movie will shoot later this year and Bill Condon, who directed Dreamgirls and two of the Twatlight movies, will direct.

Luke Evans was in Rent, Taboo and Avenue Q in London, so I guess his ass can sing. (Yes, I too pictured his actual asshole singing songs from Rent.) Any movie where Luke Evans wears tights and yodels is my kind of movie, but I still don’t think he should’ve gotten that role. That role obviously belongs to one dude and one dude only:

He’s already got the wig, costume and knows the lines! He needs to call 911 now, because he was robbed.

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Open Post: Hosted By Taylor Swift Moonwalking For The Paps

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

No, Taylor Swift didn’t actually moonwalk for the paps. I WISH! Taylor Swift’s moonwalk would probably make RiRi’s jacked-up moonwalk look like the spirit of Michael Jackson himself possessed her body as she walked on the actual moon.

Taylor was leaving a friend’s house in West Hollywood, CA yesterday and she wasn’t in the mood to give face to the paps who were stalking the garage, so her bodyguard helped her walk backwards into an SUV. That seems like a lot of work. If Taylor wanted to watch those paps scatter and run far, far away, she should’ve just blasted that “Shake It Off” song at them. They wouldn’t be able to take pictures of her while covering their ears with their hands and screaming for bloody mercy. via Defamer

First of all, that has to be the cleanest garage I’ve ever seen. Where is the spare refrigerator? I did not know that garages without spare refrigerators in them existed. Second of all, if Taylor had a giant herp sore, she shouldn’t be embarrassed about it and try to hide it by walking backwards like she’s Sia or some shit. She should’ve just dressed up that sore with some glitter and worked it.

Pics: Splash

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Amy Pascal’s New Office Reeks Of Weed And It’s All Seth Rogen’s Fault

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

When Amy Pascal packed her things in a bankers box and said “peace, bitches” to Sony last month, she probably thought she was also saying sayonara to the chronic tension headaches she was getting every time she thought about Seth Rogen. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, Amy Pascal is still being haunted by Seth Rogen, and it’s because her new office is Seth Rogen’s old office, and it stinks like weed.

Sources say that Amy Pascal’s move into her new office has been delayed because they’re having a difficult time removing the overwhelming stench of Otto’s jacket that was put there by its previous occupants, Seth Rogen and his creative partner Evan Goldberg. Currently the plan is to put Amy in a temporary spot while they try to get rid of the smell by repainting the office.

However, another source says the weed smell isn’t that bad and that she’s only having the office repainted because she wants it repainted. They also add that Seth and Evan weren’t in the office long enough to get their stink up in it. And a third source says they’re going to have to do more than just throw some Dutch Boy on the walls, because the floor stinks too.

But according to the alleged source of the stink, it’s all liiiiiiies. Seth Rogen took to Instagram to clear his name by saying:

“I don’t know what’s more irresponsible: that they would print a story that is completely untrue, or that they would refer to how pot smells as a “stench.” #myshitssmellsgood”

I’m Team Smokey on this one. Seth Rogen is a rich and famous type, which means his dirty gas station weed days are over. Rich and famous types always have access to the best stuff; I bet he smokes shit that smells like a quaint little log cabin or an angel queef. They should check the security camera footage to see whose weed stench it really is. Did Seth give a key to his office to James Franco? He seems like the stench weed type.

Lisa Rinna And Kim Richards’ Amsterdam Fight Spilled Into The RHOBH Reunion

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

On last night’s episode of The Real Dynasty Wannabes of Beverly Hills (And Encino), a restaurant in Amsterdam turned into the ring of PLOW (The Plastic Ladies Of Wrestling) when Lisa Rinna went after Kim Richards for alluding to having dirt on her husband Harry Hamlin. Lisa Rinna gave her greatest performance since her Depends commercial.

Jerri Blank’s long-lost twin sister Kim Richards has claimed that she’s been sober for 3 months, but during the last few episodes she’s been acting like she has fallen face first off the wagon. Lisa Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and Harry Hamlin has been sober for a few years, so she put on her Captain Save-A-Ho hat and got concerned about Kim’s current state. Kim already told Lisa to keep her nose out of her asshole,  but her sobriety came up again during their dinner in Amsterdam last night and the totally natural, unscripted messiness came out.

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The Horny Backwoods Love Between Miley Cyrus And Patrick Schwarzenegger Might Be Dead

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Uh oh, there goes Billy Ray’s dream of floatin’ round in the fancy cee-ment pond at the Kennedy Compound this summer. According to The Enquirer (via Radar), the molly-dusted 4-month-old photo op love affair between hillbilly princess Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger might be over.

A source (Hollerin’ Hank who lives down at the ol’ shouting tree) claims that Miley was expecting Patrick to put an engagement ring on her hitchin’ finger this Valentine’s Day, which he didn’t, and now she’s disappointed. That surprises me; Miley and her family has always struck me as less of an engagement ring type and more of a shotgun wedding type.

And it sounds like Miley is going to be waiting a while for that ring. Patrick has apparently been talking to one of them handsome Hemsworth brothers, and he was advised not to go to Jared. The source says that Miley’s former fiance Liam Hemsworth felt like he owed it to Patrick to warn him about making a serious commitment to Miley, because he has experienced her “dark side” first hand. Dark side? I don’t know if that goofy hillbilly is deep enough to have a dark side. Miley is probably the type who quits a Ouija board 6 minutes in because she gets too impatient. “Listen y’all, I’m gonna go roll a joint. Holler at me if one of those dang ghosts shows up and says something spooky.

Of course, this could all just be jealous moonshine talk from the local meth head whose is still sore that Miley went and broke his heart by snaggin’ herself a fancy city boy. Who knows. But here’s Patrick and Miley looking like they don’t hate each other while going for a hike with Nicole Richie (???) and some friends this weekend:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Good News For Skinny Ass Models, This Hotness Is Still Available

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Leonardo DiCatchAHo doesn’t really release statements about his personal life, because if he shat up a response every time the tabloids said he was rubbing his sex parts on a new trick, he’d have to hire a 10-person PR team since he’s always rubbing his sex parts on a new trick. But after TMZ posted pictures of RiRi and Leo standing next to each other at her birthday party and said that they were close all night, his rep told The Los Angeles Times in a statement that he is one hundred percent single and has been single for months.

A rep for DiCaprio told the Los Angeles Times that the actor “is single and has been for some time,” adding that he’s “been focused shooting” Oscar-winning director Alejandro G. Inarritu’s adventure drama “The Revenant” in Canada “for months.”

As Lainey points out, Leonardo kept his lips shut when it was rumored that he did sex with Miranda Kerr while she was still married to Orlando Bloom. So Lainey thinks he might not want people to think that he’s dating RiRi full-time and might be embarrassed. Um, the only thing Leonardo should be embarrassed about is that wombat’s ass on his face. It was reported that RiRi and Leonardo are keeping it casual (aka are just fuck buddies who toke and bone), so maybe he is technically single. Or maybe TMZ is right and RiRi is a stage 10 clinger and this statement is Leo’s way of letting her know that he’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his dick is tied isn’t tied down to any one cooch.

Whatever the case may be, every Victoria’s Secret executive just pulled themselves off of the puddle of tears they made and smiled for the first time in weeks, because there’s a chance that Leo will start humping a VS Angel once again.

(Thanks, MC)

Conrad Hilton Will Plead Guilty To Being An Asshole On A Plane

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I didn’t really before, but I think I now understand what people mean when they say someone has a “punchable face“.

So remember last month when we found out that Paris Hilton’s pressurized back cyst of a brother Conrad Hilton had erupted on a plane in July, spraying his stinky ‘come at me bro’-scented cyst cheese all over the place by way of allegedly threatening to kill flight attendants and referring to them as “fucking peasants”? Usually when an asshole gets caught being an asshole, there’s a 99.999% chance they’ll lawyer up and deny the whole thing. However, it must be a full moon, because People says that Conrad Hilton is taking responsibility for acting like a garbage person.

On Tuesday, Conrad signed an agreement to plead guilty to assault, and is due to appear in court tomorrow. Apparently threatening to kill a bunch of flight attendants and behaving like trash is considered a misdemeanor charge, which usually means a $5,000 fine and up to six months in jail, but prosecutors say they’re only going to ask for probation.

Poor Conrad Hilton; I bet that at this very minute, he’s at home tearfully slathering his wrists in Crème de la Mer in preparation for the brutal slapping he’s about to receive. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and tomorrow morning one of those prosecutors will be like “Sike! Just kidding! The fucking peasants request that Conrad Hilton’s ass be thrown in jail.

Pic: Conrad Hilton

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