Archives: March 2015

Are There That Many “Coach” Fans Out There Who Needed A Sequel?

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Fresh off [verb redacted because spoiler culture is real, and people get wrought and will curse you out like you took their parking spot] on Parenthood, Craig T. Nelson will reprise his role as Coach in a 13-episode sequel for NBC. Variety reports that it will be the same concept except it’s 18 years later in the Coach universe, and everyone is now in their 90s or dead. They must all be dead, right? Wasn’t everyone already geriatric on that show?

The Hayden Fox character will come out of retirement to help his now grown-ass son coach a college football team. Nelson, 70, won an Emmy for the role in 1992. The original series ran on ABC from 1989 until 1997.

Actually, no, after some thorough research, I’ve determined everyone who acted on Coach is somehow ALIVE. This is good news because it means that horny gramma Mona from Who’s The Boss (Katherine Helmond) is still catting around. And so is that darling-voiced Georgia Engel, who I didn’t even know was on Coach! They should just ditch this dumb sequel idea and have those two carry a show about slutty cougars who turn the world upside down with their sexy ways.  Check out this video of Georgia Engal and Betty White totally coming off as an adorable late-in-life lesbian couple.

Coach was on for NINE SEASONS. NINE. Really? I think I saw it once and was like, oh, the theme is guys are funny cuz’ they’re stupid *eye-roll*and wow, Shelly Fabrares has some big,red hair. She was like the proto-Merida. When Michael K. mentioned this story, he noted how he only remembered her hair, too. They better bring her or her hair back so people understand what’s happening.

God willing this means a Grace Under Fire sequel is in the works.

Shailene Woodley Might Have Just Out-Shailened Herself

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Shailene Woodley, seen above looking like the Designer Imposters version of Kristen Stewart, has confessed some pretty WTF stuff in the past, but she recently outdid herself. During a recent interview with Nylon (via UsWeekly), Shailene was asked what the strangest thing she’s ever eaten was. Knowing what I know about Shailene (which is entirely TOO DAMN MUCH, if I’m being honest), I’d guess the strangest thing she’s ever eaten was either someone’s aura, but no. It was bugs. And she didn’t hate it:

“I’ve eaten ants and that was great. And June bugs, that was great. I think the future of food is in insects, so we’ll see what happens.”

Literally the only way that could have gotten more Shailene-y is if she had added “Did you know that drinking a tea made from organic whisperroot and grasshoppers will cure a blocked chakra? It’s true, a shaman told me in a dream I once had.

Full disclosure – one time I watched a science show (truth: it was a science show for kids) and they showed that bugs had something like 10000x more protein and iron than regular meat and that bugs and that bugs were plentiful and we should be eating them. Then they tricked a bunch of kids into eating with spiders and crickets baked into it, and of course they were like “Yum! More please!“, but I was skeptical. If I can tell it’s not butter, then I think I could tell I was eating Charlotte and her babies. Then again, don’t we eat like 400 spiders in our sleep every night? I think I heard that on the same show.

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The entire cast of the 80s cartoon Foofur!

Foofur” may sound like the name of a kink you’d see on a trick’s Grindr profile that you’d have to look up on Urban Dictionary and it may be, but it’s also the name of a short-lived cartoon from 1986. Everybody I ask about Foofur doesn’t remember it. They think it’s a cutesy name for furry mold on food. Even my sister doesn’t remember this show and I watched it with her. I know, I should go on Maury with her to see if we’re really biologically related, because how can she not hold onto extremely important information like watching some weird cartoon in the middle of the 80s?

Foofur was kind of like a new money Heathcliff but with mostly dogs instead of pussies. After Foofur’s rich human leaves him a big house and a fortune, he springs his animal friends from a dog catcher’s van and moves them in. Foofur (he’s the “not amused” big blue ho behind that hipster with a beautiful ginger wave of hair on his head) only lasted for 2 seasons and most of the episodes were about he and his friends trying to keep evil whores, like some woman named Mrs. Escrow, from taking the estate.

The plot was pretty simple and Foofur and his hos looked like Hanna-Barbera b-sides, but the theme song was a musical masterpiece.

I listened to this the other day and I’ve been singing it ever since like the grown-up I am. If RiRi really wants to be forward with her music, she’d do a cover of this classic.

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Birthday Sluts

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Mariah Carey (45)
Kimbra (25)
Holliday Grainger (27)
Jessie J (27)
Brenda Song (27)
Caroline Winberg (30)
Fergie (40)
Nathan Fillion (44)
Elizabeth Mitchell (45)
Pauley Perrette (46)
Talisa Soto (48)
Dave Koz (52)
Quentin Tarantino (52)
Xuxa (52)
Vicki Gunvalson (53)
Michael York (73)
Julian Glover (80)

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Night Crumbs

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Breaking Fame Whore News You Definitely Care About: Kim Kartrashian dyed the piss blond out of her hair. Or she just took that discount Elsa-with-a-bob wig off – Popsugar

Mr. and Mrs. Affleck go to Washington – Lainey Gossip

If you woke up today hoping to get a visual serving of Kristin Cavallari’s vaccine-free camel toe, your wish has come true! – Drunken Stepfather

More like Bruce Jenner probably high-fived Rob Kardashian and then slipped him a wad of cash while treating him to a lunch at Arby’s – Reality Tea

Jaime King isn’t full of tears anymore since she cried them all out over people making fun of Kim Kartrashian’s ugly MET Gala dress, but she is full of shit – Celebitchy

I’m surprised Rita Ora’s nipple knobs aren’t pierced. Her RiRi impersonation is slipping! – Egotastic!

Amber Rose as you’ve never seen her before and what I mean by that is Amber Rose as you usually see her – IDLYITW

Presenting RiRi’s new ratchet stripper anthem, and I can’t wait to see my cousins get down to this at family parties – Jezebel

Here’s the best thing to happen on the American Idol stage in years and yes, I’m even here for Pepa’s Party City Morticia Addams wig – Towleroad

And here’s the second best thing to happen on the American Idol stage in years – SOW

The world would be a better (read: peenier) place if these were real companies and logos – The Berry 

Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton is a master at parking – Hollywood Tuna

The “Girls as seen through the douche eyes of Michael Bay” parody is missing about 6500 more explosions and about 300 more gallons of silicone – OMG Blog

Like two glowing moons floating upon a sea of liquid emeralds – The Superficial 

Alyssa Milano turned the runner your grandma uses for funeral after-parties into a jumpsuit and it’s not doing good things to her – Popoholic

Scott Disick is hosting a party in Vegas on Friday night, because that’s a smart thing to do when you just got out of 21-day 7-day rehab – ICYDK

Cookie Lyon will host SNL, but sadly Hakeem and Tiana aren’t the musical guests – HuffPo

In the new Calvin Klein Jeans ads, Kendull Jenner looks like a sad, cold, emo suffering from cramps and the hard shits at the same time, so basically the ads are typical Calvin Klein - Just Jared

Pic: Splash

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Cate Blanchett Is Not Here For Your Stupid Damn Cat Questions

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though the resolution of that picture is lower than low and it looks like it was screen grabbed off a Sega Game Gear using a Nokia flip phone, you can still see Cate Blanchett’s impeccably flawless “Not Today” eye-shanking shining through. Poor pixel quality is never a match for a top-shelf bitchface!

During the never-ending promotional tour for that Cinderella movie, Cate Blanchett proved that there’s no bitch like an over-your-shit bitch when journalist Jonathan Hyla asked her a question about a cat. A CAT! That’s the face Cate Blanchett gives you when you ask her about cats. Coincidentally, that’s also the same face I make when I show up to a party and find out there’s no cheese.

Jonathan Hyla wanted to know if it was difficult to get the cat who played Lucifer to do what she wanted while he was on a leash. That’s when Cate returned her eyebrows to the upright position before hissing “That’s your question? That’s your fucking question?

Jonathan later posted a clip of the entire interview to prove that Cate was only pretend pissed at him, which is a serious no duh, since there would be nothing left of Jonathan but a pile of ashes and a clump of charred beard hair if she was serious. And even if she was kidding, I hope he remembers the look on Cate’s face so he can cross-reference it with the look his girlfriend’s cat gives him the next time he suggests putting it on a leash. “I see you’re giving me about a 6.3 on the Cate Scale of NO…maybe we’ll try again later.

Here’s Cate at the Australian premiere of Cinderella in a dress that’s giving me some Wet N’ Wild Barbie vibes (I don’t hate it) last week:

Pics: Splash

Downton Abbey’s Closing

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

I know a certain closet case former state rep who just did a for real death drop on his floor (which is an exact recreation of the one at Highclere Castle, natch) over this. All of those screaming and suicidal One Direction tweens can now welcome newly screaming and suicidal women and gays to their candlelight vigil. Downton Abbey is officially done with Season 6. I know, you cannot find the words to say how you feel.

Executive producer Gareth Neame released a statement about the Dowager Countess Maggie Smith, sexy silver fox the Earl of Grantham (don’t judge), and the rest of those uptight and extremely pale types closing the doors after the upcoming season. Can I have that Branson dude now that they don’t need him anymore? Rraow.

(via TV Line)

Millions of people around the world have followed the journey of the Crawley family and those who serve them for the last five years. Inevitably there comes a time when all shows should end and Downton is no exception. We wanted to close the doors of Downton Abbey when it felt right and natural for the storylines to come together and when the show was still being enjoyed so much by its fans. We can promise a final season full of all the usual drama and intrigue, but with the added excitement of discovering how and where they all end up…

I’ve only watched the show a couple of times. But I know of the Dowager Countess. She better end up annoyedly flapping her fan as the Queen’s new Official Thrower of Shade. That bitch is so shady. She’s like an awning mixed with an umbrella accompanied by a leafy tree. Love her. And I hope she takes out Elizabeth McGovern’s character’s sing-songy, annoying ass in the end. You were so good wearing clogs and comforting a young Timothy Hutton in Ordinary People, Elizabeth. What happened?

Open Post: Hosted By Collins, Dame Collins To You

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

International treasure and the most glamorous being who has ever lived, Joan Collins, is already considered the true Queen of England and anyone who tells you otherwise is a first-degree lie-telling piece of uneducated trash and they’re probably committing a major slanderous crime, so call the bobbies on their stupid asses.

THE QUEEN damn well knows that Joan Collins is the real diamond-encrusted heart of Britain (sorry Katie Price and Jodie Marsh) and she should give the crown to Joan, but she’s not going to do that because then she’d have to get a job. But THE QUEEN did do a right by making Joan a dame for her contributions to glamour, artistry and beauty.

The dame-ing of Joan Collins was announced last December, but the ceremony happened today at Buckingham Palace. While wearing what looked like a reworking of her iconic black and white court room look from Dynasty, Joan was made a dame by Prince Charles. I’m guessing THE QUEEN didn’t do the honors, because she’s secretly Team Krystal. Figures. Dame Joan was the epitome of modesty after the ceremony. via BBC News

“Not in a billion years did I think I would be made a dame,” said the 81-year-old after Thursday’s investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace, London.
“It wasn’t anything I ever aspired to. I just wanted to be jobbing actress.”

She was honoured for her charity work, including with the NSPCC and breast cancer research. She is also a patron of children’s hospice charity Shooting Star Chase, which nominated her for the honour.

Accompanied by her fifth husband, Percy Gibson, and her daughter, Tara Newley, Dame Joan said she was still working and had “a lot of irons in the fire”.

What she should’ve said is: “It only took a billion years for those dum dums to finally pay tribute to the glamorous greatness that is me!

And well now you know that if you ever meet Joan Collins in person you have to add “Dame” to her title of “Eternal Glamour Goddess of the Universe” when addressing her.

Pics: AP

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Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris At Horrifying “Matching Outfits” Stage Of Dating

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

 

Watch out, little girl. She’ll squee with you over lip gloss flavors but behind your back everyone’s a Katy Perry (aka “jealous rival”) . Nightmare dressed as a nightmare (I mean, look at that pic – bitch is evil) Taylor Swift has once again been sighted in the general vicinity of Diplo Lite aka Calvin Harris. Good on her. Dude is hot, right?

Screen Shot 2015-03-26 at 12.55.26 PM

They were spotted walking out of a Whole Foods in Nashville together on March 25.  I’m going to hazard a guess that this was Tay Tay’s idea. You know Swifty Longstocking was all “wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if we wore matching outfits for the paps?” Harris probably replied “oh, yeah, ha ha?” while thinking “she’s exactly how they describe her, what have I done, what do I do, she mates for life, help, help me, she will castrate me, who do I call, Jesus, Jesus are you there?!?”

Taylor probably spent the evening tee-heeing near the heirloom tomatoes over the dissolution of One Direction. Because Harry Styles is still on her shit list (written on Strawberry Shortcake stationary and hidden in her vintage Caboodles makeup organizer that Lena Dunham found her on EBay). Her convoluted but successful plan to tip off the paps about Zayn Malik’s cheating to break up the band worked perfectly. If she had a moustache, she’d be twirling it right now. “You don’t think I’m like, you know, mental cuz’ I want Harry Styles to watch every one of his dreams die in front of him, right, Calvin? Right? DO YOU?”

Harry Styles Might Also Be Saying ‘Bye, Bitch’ To One Direction

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

It looks like Zayn Malik might not be the only one leaving the teenage girl scream-powered money machine known as One Direction. E! says that elfin hipster heartthrob and one-time Taylor Swift photo-op contract co-signer Harry Styles is thinking about following Zayn out the door. A source claims that Harry doesn’t want to be a boy bander anymore, so he’s thinking of quitting and moving to Hollywood to become an actor. Excuse me while I take a moment to clean up all the vegetable juice (truth: it was leftover breakfast wine) that sprayed out of my nose from laughing too hard.

Harry also wants to leave to he can launch a solo career. The same source says that he’s already started writing shit with Meghan Trainor, Kodaline (???), and Internet Superstar Frankie Grande’s little sister Ariana. The source adds that Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.” Well, one thing is for sure – if he doesn’t invest his One Direction money properly, that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones where the chairs swing around.

So first Zayn leaves, now Harry is thinking about leaving? Can they even do One Direction as a trio? The answer of course is YES, and they should retool themselves to mimic my all-time favorite 3-piece boy band, b4-4 (anything to bring up b4-4, really).

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