Archives: March 2015

Downton Abbey’s Closing

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

I know a certain closet case former state rep who just did a for real death drop on his floor (which is an exact recreation of the one at Highclere Castle, natch) over this. All of those screaming and suicidal One Direction tweens can now welcome newly screaming and suicidal women and gays to their candlelight vigil. Downton Abbey is officially done with Season 6. I know, you cannot find the words to say how you feel.

Executive producer Gareth Neame released a statement about the Dowager Countess Maggie Smith, sexy silver fox the Earl of Grantham (don’t judge), and the rest of those uptight and extremely pale types closing the doors after the upcoming season. Can I have that Branson dude now that they don’t need him anymore? Rraow.

(via TV Line)

Millions of people around the world have followed the journey of the Crawley family and those who serve them for the last five years. Inevitably there comes a time when all shows should end and Downton is no exception. We wanted to close the doors of Downton Abbey when it felt right and natural for the storylines to come together and when the show was still being enjoyed so much by its fans. We can promise a final season full of all the usual drama and intrigue, but with the added excitement of discovering how and where they all end up…

I’ve only watched the show a couple of times. But I know of the Dowager Countess. She better end up annoyedly flapping her fan as the Queen’s new Official Thrower of Shade. That bitch is so shady. She’s like an awning mixed with an umbrella accompanied by a leafy tree. Love her. And I hope she takes out Elizabeth McGovern’s character’s sing-songy, annoying ass in the end. You were so good wearing clogs and comforting a young Timothy Hutton in Ordinary People, Elizabeth. What happened?

Open Post: Hosted By Collins, Dame Collins To You

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

International treasure and the most glamorous being who has ever lived, Joan Collins, is already considered the true Queen of England and anyone who tells you otherwise is a first-degree lie-telling piece of uneducated trash and they’re probably committing a major slanderous crime, so call the bobbies on their stupid asses.

THE QUEEN damn well knows that Joan Collins is the real diamond-encrusted heart of Britain (sorry Katie Price and Jodie Marsh) and she should give the crown to Joan, but she’s not going to do that because then she’d have to get a job. But THE QUEEN did do a right by making Joan a dame for her contributions to glamour, artistry and beauty.

The dame-ing of Joan Collins was announced last December, but the ceremony happened today at Buckingham Palace. While wearing what looked like a reworking of her iconic black and white court room look from Dynasty, Joan was made a dame by Prince Charles. I’m guessing THE QUEEN didn’t do the honors, because she’s secretly Team Krystal. Figures. Dame Joan was the epitome of modesty after the ceremony. via BBC News

“Not in a billion years did I think I would be made a dame,” said the 81-year-old after Thursday’s investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace, London.
“It wasn’t anything I ever aspired to. I just wanted to be jobbing actress.”

She was honoured for her charity work, including with the NSPCC and breast cancer research. She is also a patron of children’s hospice charity Shooting Star Chase, which nominated her for the honour.

Accompanied by her fifth husband, Percy Gibson, and her daughter, Tara Newley, Dame Joan said she was still working and had “a lot of irons in the fire”.

What she should’ve said is: “It only took a billion years for those dum dums to finally pay tribute to the glamorous greatness that is me!

And well now you know that if you ever meet Joan Collins in person you have to add “Dame” to her title of “Eternal Glamour Goddess of the Universe” when addressing her.

Pics: AP

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Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris At Horrifying “Matching Outfits” Stage Of Dating

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

 

Watch out, little girl. She’ll squee with you over lip gloss flavors but behind your back everyone’s a Katy Perry (aka “jealous rival”) . Nightmare dressed as a nightmare (I mean, look at that pic – bitch is evil) Taylor Swift has once again been sighted in the general vicinity of Diplo Lite aka Calvin Harris. Good on her. Dude is hot, right?

Screen Shot 2015-03-26 at 12.55.26 PM

They were spotted walking out of a Whole Foods in Nashville together on March 25.  I’m going to hazard a guess that this was Tay Tay’s idea. You know Swifty Longstocking was all “wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if we wore matching outfits for the paps?” Harris probably replied “oh, yeah, ha ha?” while thinking “she’s exactly how they describe her, what have I done, what do I do, she mates for life, help, help me, she will castrate me, who do I call, Jesus, Jesus are you there?!?”

Taylor probably spent the evening tee-heeing near the heirloom tomatoes over the dissolution of One Direction. Because Harry Styles is still on her shit list (written on Strawberry Shortcake stationary and hidden in her vintage Caboodles makeup organizer that Lena Dunham found her on EBay). Her convoluted but successful plan to tip off the paps about Zayn Malik’s cheating to break up the band worked perfectly. If she had a moustache, she’d be twirling it right now. “You don’t think I’m like, you know, mental cuz’ I want Harry Styles to watch every one of his dreams die in front of him, right, Calvin? Right? DO YOU?”

Harry Styles Might Also Be Saying ‘Bye, Bitch’ To One Direction

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

It looks like Zayn Malik might not be the only one leaving the teenage girl scream-powered money machine known as One Direction. E! says that elfin hipster heartthrob and one-time Taylor Swift photo-op contract co-signer Harry Styles is thinking about following Zayn out the door. A source claims that Harry doesn’t want to be a boy bander anymore, so he’s thinking of quitting and moving to Hollywood to become an actor. Excuse me while I take a moment to clean up all the vegetable juice (truth: it was leftover breakfast wine) that sprayed out of my nose from laughing too hard.

Harry also wants to leave to he can launch a solo career. The same source says that he’s already started writing shit with Meghan Trainor, Kodaline (???), and Internet Superstar Frankie Grande’s little sister Ariana. The source adds that Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.” Well, one thing is for sure – if he doesn’t invest his One Direction money properly, that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones where the chairs swing around.

So first Zayn leaves, now Harry is thinking about leaving? Can they even do One Direction as a trio? The answer of course is YES, and they should retool themselves to mimic my all-time favorite 3-piece boy band, b4-4 (anything to bring up b4-4, really).

Sam Taylor-Johnson Won’t Be Returning For “Fifty Shades: Even More Missed Opportunities To Show Penis”

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Sam Taylor-Johnson obviously decided that, despite the huge box office take, dignity is dignity. The Fifty Shades of Grey director has opted out of directing the next two installments of the the BDSM for Boring People franchise.

Here’s the statement with which her extremely skilled PR minion came up. Because you know Mrs. Taylor-Johnson’s own attempt read: “HAHAHAHAHA…you thought I was going to suffer that E.L. James heifer again….HAHAHAHAHAHAH, um, no.”

“Directing Fifty Shades Of Grey has been an intense and incredible journey for which I am hugely grateful. I have Universal to thank for that. I forged close and lasting relationships with the cast, producers and crew and most especially, with Dakota and Jamie. While I will not be returning to direct the sequels, I wish nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three.”

(via Deadline)

By “intense” and “incredible journey” she meant “having to deal with that no-talent writer and two boring yet somehow still very difficult actors who despised each other.” “I have Universal to thank for that” means” those studio dicks who wouldn’t let me out of my contract after I first met the asshole who wrote this shit and still didn’t give me points on the box office, greedy fucks.” “Most especially, with Dakota and Jamie” means “one wouldn’t show his cock when I asked him to even though he wasn’t exactly hired for his thespian skills, and the other hated him and kept bringing Melanie Griffith’s stretched face to the set to coach her daughter’s acting. It showed.” And finally, “exciting challenges” basically means “this absolute shitshow chock-full of self-involved fucks with delusions of talent. In closing, E.L. James can eat my box. Laters!”

No word yet on who will be succeed Sam Taylor-Johnson. It’s not like they were going to be able to afford to give her a salary. I’m sure Scorcese, Fincher, and Spielberg are in a frenzy as they ring up their agents.

Honestly, I’d quit that bitch, too. E.L. reportedly has the air of a terrible hack who won the lottery but fancies herself Toni Morrison. Who can blame Sam for running screaming back to Kick-Ass and his fine ass (fine as long as he doesn’t attempt an Eastern-European accent.)

Chelsea Handler Says Bill Cosby Tried To “Cosby” Her

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

You know, six months ago we’d all be like “Cosby her? What the hell does ‘Cosby her’ mean? Like, he tried to give her a JELL-O Pudding Pop?

Professional drunk aunt Chelsea Handler and RSILF (Ron Swanson I’d like to, well – you know) Nick Offerman were double-interviewed for Esquire’s Women & Men issue this month about sex and stuff, and at some point the conversation turned to Bill Cosby. Nick had made a joking reference to being “Cosbyed”, which – thanks to Hannibal Buress – we now know has nothing to do with frozen pudding, and that’s when Chelsea decided to tell a story about the time Bill Cosby allegedly tried to “Cosby” her.

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This Is What Sophie Hunter Wore When She Married Benedict Cumberbatch

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though the Valentine’s Day wedding of human-looking alien royalty Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked-up human girlfriend Sophie Hunter was the intergalactic high society event of the year, no pictures of the event were ever released, which means only the most important of extraterrestrial aristocracy got to see Benedict float down the aisle in his custom-made lizard suit. However, since Sophie is still a human person, she invited VOGUE along with her to one of her gown fittings so us regulars could see what she would look like on her wedding day.

Valentino, the tricks who made her dress, recently revealed a picture of Sophie shot by Annie Leibovitz modeling her wedding gown, and it’s pretty much what I expected Benedict Cumberbatch’s human bride would wear. It’s silver (the official color of martians and flying saucers), it has a swirly design (to mimic the sky above Benedict’s home planet), and it covers 95% of her body (to help protect her human skin from the toxic residue that will rub off on her when she hugs one of Benedict’s relatives).

But now I really want to know what Benedict wore! Did he try to appear human by wearing a boring old tuxedo, or did he bring that X-Files metal examination table unknown species glamour? I guess I’ll just have to wait for this month’s issue of VLORP (alien VOGUE) to arrive in the mail.

Speaking of, here’s Benedict Cumberbatch looking like a real human person while walking to work yesterday morning:

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Programming Note Brought To You Buy Jon Hamm In A Tux

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re in the NYC area this weekend and wonder why it smells skankier than usual, don’t worry too much. It’s just my tramp ass walking around. I’m going to NY today, because one of my new missions in life is to drop my ass in front of Fran Lebowitz’s apartment building while wearing extra tight butt-clenching shorty shorts. Because I’ll be busy doing that, J. Harvey (speaking of tramps) is going to cover for me. I’ll still be around and will throw up some posts daily. Things will go back to the usual on Tuesday. For now, I leave you with these pucker-inducing pictures of a fresh-out-of-rehab Jon Hamm giving you showman poses and limp jazz hands at the premiere of Mad Men’s final season in L.A. last night. Because of the way he’s posing, I totally picture The Hammaconda throwing a dazzling wink while wearing an extra, extra, extra large top hat.

Pics: Wenn.com

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What’s On These “Intimate Videos” Of Jeremy Renner?

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Like an anal orgy where Taco Bell was served right before the festivities, the divorce and custody fight between Jeremy Renner and his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco just keeps getting messier and messier. When Sonni filed for divorce last December, we sort of knew shit was going to go into train wreck territory, because she claimed “fraud” on the papers and said that Jeremy was holding her passport and other documents hostage. Apparently, Jeremy was afraid she’d take their almost 2-year-old daughter Ava to her homeland of Canada. Sonni then screamed about how Jeremy’s house is a baby death trap of horrors, because his pool isn’t fenced in and his guns weren’t locked up the way that they should be. And now Hawkeye is coming back at her by claiming that she threatened to expose “intimate videos” of him and says she smoked, boozed it up and did a little coke after giving birth. I’m kind of squinting at that part where he accuses her of doing coke once after their kid was born, because if I just gave birth to a human and that human was screaming and crying and the nanny wasn’t around, I’d probably take my nostrils snow skiing too. Yes, that comment was sponsored by White Oprah.

TMZ says that in documents Jeremy’s lawyer just filed, he says that Sonni is a gold digging mess who only married him for his money and to get a green card. According to Jeremy, Sonni is pretty much a shit mom, because she stopped breastfeeding Ava to booze it up and once left their baby all alone in the house after she took an Uber to party. Jeremy’s “roommate” also claims that Sonni snorted some coke on vacation after Ava was born and the “roommate” says that she’s threatening to EXPOSE a bunch of “intimate videos” if he doesn’t give her $13,000 a month in child support. TMZ didn’t say what’s on the videos, but they did let us know that they’re the bastion of integrity by saying that they would never post videos like that.

There’s Jeremy Renner and his “roommate” again. Every time I write about his “roommate,” I feel like a nosy church lady from the 60s saying, “You know, Ethel, his ‘roommate.’”

But what could be so scandalous or embarrassing about these “intimate videos”? Jeremy was in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, and it can’t get more embarrassing than that, so I don’t even know. Is the video a tutorial of him showing you how to get that easy, breezy look with guyliner, because that’s not embarrassing. Is it a video of him morphing into his true self: Grumpy Cat? I don’t know, but I do know that now I’m going to spend even more time on PornHub. I’ll be searching “JEREMY RENNER INTIMATE VIDEOS” every 5 seconds hoping that Sonni leaked that shit on there.

And here’s thrilling pictures of Sonni doing house stuff last month:

Pics: Wenn.com, FameFlynet

Woody Allen Tried To Get With Mariel Hemingway When She Was Barely Legal, So Says Mariel Hemingway

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

In news that’ll make you prolapse out of shock, Woody Allen was a creep and left a young actress with a thick layer of ICK NAST on her skin.

In Mariel Hemingway’s new memoir Out Came The Sun (which on the cover, she’s doing the international sign for pussy eating for some reason), she writes about how when she was barely 18, Woody Allen, the human version of a stranger giving you a back rub during a hug, kept trying to take her to Europe and even flew to her parents’ house in Idaho to convince them to convince her. Mariel had just acted in Manhattan and she thought their relationship was strictly friendly, but quickly began to realize that the skeezy turtle in glasses wanted to get into her chonies. Mariel didn’t really want to go to Europe with Woody, but her parents kind of pushed her to go:

She warned her parents “that I didn’t know what the arrangement was going to be, that I wasn’t sure if I was even going to have my own room. Woody hadn’t said that. He hadn’t even hinted it. But I wanted them to put their foot down. They didn’t. They kept lightly encouraging me.” Allen was then in his mid-forties.

Mariel knew what was up and went into Woody’s room in the middle of the night with her pajamas on (“Wait until morning, bitch!” – me to 18-year-old Mariel) to tell him she knew what he was trying to pull on her.

Hemingway woke up in the middle of the night “with the certain knowledge that I was an idiot. No one was going to get their own room. His plan, such as it was, involved being with me.” She shook him awake in the guest room and demanded:

“I’m not going to get my own room, am I?” As Allen fumbled for his glasses, Hemingway informed him: “I can’t go to Paris with you.”

Woody left Idaho the next day on his private jet.

I know, BREAKING NEWS,  a creepy grown Hollywood director tried to get on a pretty, barely legal girl. The real news is that Woody tried to get with Mariel when she was already legal. But WTF at her parents pushing her to go. Are Mariel Hemingway’s parents related to White Oprah? Because that is some shit White Oprah’s drunk ass would pull. “Iss okay, honey, juss share a room with him. He’ll make you faymish!

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