Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.
Scientology’s hilarious “We Stand Tall” music video.
Because I was busy scooting my sloppy ass across the East Coast this weekend, I didn’t get to see HBO’s crazy and creepy Scientology documentary Going Clear until last night. What’s crazy to me is that a multi-million dollar cult was born from some sci-fi pulp fiction books. I mean, if a multi-million dollar cult was born from Jackie Collins’ Lucky Santangelo series, that would make sense to me, because those books are actually hot. Shit, I’d probably be in that cult. I’d probably be the Spanky Taylor of Santangelology. What’s also crazy to me is that Radio Shack declared bankruptcy. Scientology probably spends millions upon millions on buying wires to make their stupid E-Meter cans with and to tap people’s phones, so you’d think that as long as they lived, Radio Shack would live.
A piece of Going Clear was spent on Scientology trying to get out of paying taxes and their long, shady fight with the IRS. In the late 70s, the FBI seized tons of documents from Scientology and the IRS later determined that the Cult of L. Ro owed $1 billion in taxes and they refused to give them church status. Scientology fought back by ordering thousands of their members to sue the IRS for not giving them church status. Thanks to their grifting and bullying ways, the IRS agreed to wave away the billion dollar bill and agreed to give them church status if their members dropped the lawsuits. I’m surprised Scientology hasn’t opened up an accounting firm where they terrorize the IRS until the IRS agrees to wave their clients’ tax bill. Everyone would go to them! H&R Block, who?
To celebrate making the IRS their bottom bitch, Scientology shat up a music video in 1990 that was like a “We Are The World” from the deep depths of Hell. The video shows some of the high-ranking bridge queens singing some shitty song in between shots of their brainwashed members smiling. Hmmmm, I wonder why they didn’t include footage of some their members getting beaten while doing hard labor?
Come for the bizarre creepiness, stay for the 90s fashions:
I bet Tommy Girl hums that song every time he slips on his favorite pair of big boy heels. Fun Fact: When that midget overlord David Miscavige stands tall, he’s about as tall as you when you slouch while on your knees.
Angus Young (60)
Jessica Szohr (30)
Jack Antonoff (31)
Ashleigh Ball (32)
Melissa Ordway (32)
Josh Saviano (39)
Ewan McGregor (44)
Samantha Brown (45)
Tony Cox (57)
Al Gore (67)
Rhea Perlman (67)
Valerie Curtin (70)
Gabe Kaplan (70)
Christopher Walken (72)
Richard Chamberlain (81)
Shirley Jones (81)
William Daniels (88)
If you took a Janice the Muppet doll, filled it up with helium until it almost popped, dipped it in orange wax and glued a marzipan peen where it’s nose is supposed to be, it would kind of look like Big Ang as a blond – Reality Tea
Suri Cruise brought her Chanel purse to the Kids’ Choice Awards, because it was a casual event full of filthy peasants, so she left her custom-made canary-diamond encrusted clutch at home – Lainey Gossip
Bikinis: Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen are in them – Egotastic!
And soon after releasing that statement, Cookie Lyon brought the broom out and went abuelita on her son’s ass for lying about getting racially profiled by the cops in Glendale – Celebitchy
The Spectre teaser trailer is here and I can’t with whoever was in charge of putting that shit together, because they should’ve known that the world is a shitty place and what we really need is some shots of a topless Daniel Craig – Towleroad
Brett Ratner was caught making out with some other chick who isn’t Mimi and if he’s really doing Mimi then now we know there are two humans on earth who want to touch tongues with Brett Ratner – WWTDD
Yolanda Foster’s other daughter who isn’t named Gigi Hadid got a job doing modeling stuff in a magazine too – Drunken Stepfather
JLo giving you “the Hamburglar smuggling two dozen cheeseburgers in the back of his pants” glamour – Popoholic
Don’t wear these around Mama June or she’ll bite your tit and crotch off – OMG Blog
“What would Shane from The L Word wear?” is what Kristen Stewart and her partner in pussy say every day before picking their outfits – Popsugar
“See, Bill Cosby gets it!” said every pedophile Catholic priest – The Superficial
Iggy Azalea looked like a late 90s hair salon assistant manager at the iHeartRadio Awards – IDLYITW
FYI: Here’s Zendaya’s “when you’ve got to work extra hard to squeeze that fart out” face – Hollywood Tuna
Deadline’s non-sorry for that THINK OF THE WHITE ACTORS shit they wrote is worse than the damn article – Jezebel
Justin Timberlake remembered Jessica Biel’s first name when thanking her at the iHeartRadio Awards. You know it took him a minute – HuffPo
Scott Disick just took a little booze-filled vacation from rehab, okay? – ICYDK
Gross Harvey Weinstein accused of being illegally gross (read: groping a woman) – Just Jared
Hunky actor Kit Harington (aka Ned Stark’s hunky bastard son Jon Snow from Game of Thrones) recently confessed to News.com.au (via Page Six) that he’s not here for the horny bitches drooling over his hot bod or swooning over his sexy beady little eyes. But he’s especially not here for anyone who refers to him as a “hunk” (Dr. Steve Brule just got very sad):
“To always be put on a pedestal as a hunk is slightly demeaning. It really is and it’s in the same way as it is for women. When an actor is seen only for her physical beauty it can be quite offensive. Well, it’s not just men that can be inappropriate sexually; women can be as well.
I’m in a successful TV show in a kind of leading man way and it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal. And I don’t like that. In this position you get asked a lot, ‘Do you like being a heart-throb? Do you like being a hunk?’ Well, my answer is, ‘That’s not what I got into it for.’”
Part of me thinks Jon Snow doth protest too much, because are that many people busting their nuts over the low-budget Orlando Bloom? I just checked to see if KitHunkington.com or JonSnowMoreLikeJonBlowMe.org were things that existed, and they are not. But if he feels gross every time someone gives him the perv stare or calls him a hunk, there’s an easy way to divert attention away from his hunkiness: start carrying around a cardboard cutout of someone hunkier. Like notorious vintage hunk William Petersen from Manhunter, for example. Human eyes can’t focus on other hunks if they’re glued to the sexy purple short shorts of Detective Will Graham!
To quote the Backstreet Boys: TELL ME WHY?!
And now here’s Liam Hemsworth once again showing us what happens you middle part your hair and you’re not a member of the Backstreet Boys in the 90s or Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World. Liam Hemsworth obviously didn’t learn shit from Bradley Cooper, because when B. Coop tried to work the middle-parted hair look, he looked like the human form of DERP who has been arrested several times for getting caught licking the sanitary liners on bikinis in the dressing room area of a Victoria’s Secret. I thought B. Coop taught us all to just say NO when it comes to middle-parted hair.
But I guess Liam Hemsworth was out sick that day, because here he is wearing middle-parted hair in the year 2015 at the Kids’ Choice Awards on Sunday night. When are hos going to learn that when your drivers license doesn’t say the name Leonardo DiCaprio and the year isn’t 1997, do not attempt the middle part. If you don’t have to take 6 hot bleach showers daily, because Lou Pearlman slobbers while looking at you all day since you’re a 16 year old Nick Carter, do not attempt the middle part. If you’re not Jon Hamm on a dating show, do not attempt the middle part.
If you insist on middle parting your hair, at least go full 90s. This would’ve been the look if Liam was wearing a hip-hop Looney Tunes t-shirt, Cross Colours baggy capris and Skechers Chrome Domes. But this is not the look, because Liam did not commit.
Fix it, Moses. You parted the Red Sea, now un-part that hair.
Oh, hey there, Chris Pratt. Nice hog. For those of you who are joyless and like “uh, how many times can you watch idiotic people genetically engineer dinosaurs that end up eating them?,” this trailer is not for you! This new Jurassic World trailer is for people who THRILL to watching the dumbest scientists in the world continually birth out their own scaly death, and mostly fail in escaping it.
Bryce Dallas Howard’s character: “What? You mean crossbreeding a T-Rex with a velociraptor isn’t going to work out for everybody? It’m not getting the Nobel Prize? It’s not….here it comes…AAIIEEEHHH…RRRRUUUNNNN!!!!”
Truthfully, you can barely see Indominus Rex (that name), but if you look really closely at :13 (right after Bryce notes that it ATE ITS SIBLING, oh good let’s definitely have it entertain children in a theme park setting!) and again at :18, that’s the grey-skinned, red-eyed, sibling-eating hero of Jurassic World. Yes, I always root for the dinosaurs in these movies. They’re usually the least annoying characters.
Check out the new Jurassic World trailer, and some concept art depicting Indominus Rex (that name), below. Spoilers!
I really really hate to be the person to deliver such tragic news, but after lighting several Our Lady of Sorrows candles and spending a good 10 minutes weeping on the floor of my shower, I think I’m finally ready. Page Six says that Jon Hamm, seen above looking like a rode hard put away boozy Don Draper (that I so would, even though he probably smells like Lucky Strikes and ass), had to turn down the role of Nick Dunne in Gone Girl because it would have made things messy for Mad Men’s shooting schedule.
A source claims Jon is not happy with Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner for refusing to let him out of his Mad Men contract so he could go play Amazing Amy’s shady shitbag husband. And I’m not happy that Matthew Weiner’s decision effectively killed any chance that our eyeballs might catch a glimpse of The Hammaconda slithering into the shower. The role and subsequent sidepeen shower scene of course went to Ben Affleck.
Dear Matthew Weiner: On behalf of penis enthusiasts everywhere, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. Aw, I’m sorry – I don’t mean that. You’ve given me so much joy (read: Don Draper saying “I love puppies” and Pete Campbell falling down the stairs), and a contract is a contract, so I can’t hate you for keeping Jon Hamm and his magnificent dick on set. But I am still very pissed that you took priceless spank bank material from the horny fappers and tappers of this world.
Here’s the first round draft pick for Nick Dunne walking through LAX last Friday:
I think palming her ass was overselling it, huh? Will Smith, wife Jada Pinkett-Smith, and daughter/philosopher-savant Willow Smith attended BET’s “2015 Black Girls Rock!” event on Saturday. Jada received the Star Power Award, and Will introduced her with a tribute to their beautiful heterosexual love. Then he made sure he touched her ass in front of everybody. This was obviously in hopes people would stop assuming he’s Tommy Girl’s permanent +1 down at the Scientology bathhouse.
And boy, did Willy lay it on thick. He mentioned seeing Jada in A Low, Down Dirty Shame, and on A Different World and how he just knew he needed her
to beard him and vice-versa to be his lady. He spun a stirring tale of laying up in bed with Jada one morning when he got a Google Alert (after the one about the half-off “Gear For Your Rear” sale on Fort Troff) that they were getting a divorce. He lay there, thinking of how he would cope if she wasn’t in his life? (Just audition new beards like Cruise did, duh.)
When Jada took the stage, she spoke so many words of wisdom, the most eloquent being something daughter Willow frequently says to her – “I am you. You are me. We are one.” That little girl has ascended past all of us, and should have her own yert in the desert where she can share her truth with the world. Those words didn’t come from her mouth, they came from the shining aura around her! (That family must get the most AMAZING weed.)
Jada SHOULD HAVE received the “Chewing, Swallowing, and Digesting Scenery Award” for her work as Eartha Kitt on Gotham.
Check out pics of Will, Jada and Willow from “BET’s 2015 Black Girls Rock!” event below, as well as snaps of Regina King, Cicely Tyson, Shelia E.(!), Estelle, Jill Scott, Jada’s moms Adrienne Banfield-Jones, Ciara, Tracee Ellis-Ross, Erykah Badu, Janelle Monae, and that hot bitch Cicely Tyson.
Even though this picture is blurrier than Dina Lohan’s vision, I love that you can still make out the look on Michelle Williams’ face that says “Wait, is my mic even on?” Sidenote: if Michelle Williams or Kelly Rowland or LeToya Luckett ever write a book, that should be the title.
So that Destiny’s Child reunion that was rumored to be happening at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards on Saturday night happened. Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce (who has definitely already filed this performance as a charitable donation on her 2015 taxes) sang the song “Say Yes” from Michelle’s gospel album Journey to Freedom. Yes, they performed one of Michelle’s songs. I know, I too have fallen and I can’t get up. Beyonce even let Michelle stand in the middle and sing on her own, too! Maybe Jesus had a talk with Beyonce back stage before they went on and warned her that if she tried to pull any spotlight-stealing Beyonce bullshit, he’d use his magic Jesus powers to unplug her wind machine.
The actual show doesn’t air till next weekend, but I’ve included a couple clips of Destiny’s Child performing “Say Yes” after the cut.