Birthday Sluts

Bernadette Peters (67)
Olivia Palermo (29)
Fefe Dobson (30)
Karolina Kurkova (31)
Natalia Vodianova (33)
Jason Aldean (38)
Ali Larter (39)
Rory Cochrane (43)
Tasha Smith (44)
Tangi Miller (45)
Patrick Monahan (46)
Robert Sean Leonard (46)
Rae Dawn Chong (54)
John Turturro (58)
Cindy Wilson (58)
Gilbert Gottfried (60)
Mercedes Ruehl (67)
Mike Figgis (67)
Stephanie Beacham (68)
Kelly Bishop (71)
Mario Andretti (75)
Tommy Tune (76)
Gavin MacLeod (84)

Night Crumbs

NOT THE BEES: The Beyhive covered Kid Rock’s Instagram with bumblebee emojis for saying that their god Beyonce is considered the Queen of Music but doesn’t have classic hits like “Purple Rain” or “Sweet Home Alabama.” Let’s see a war between a syphilis rash and a bunch of crazed stans who should be doing their 7th grade homework. Point me to the section marked Team No One – Defamer

Future multiple Razzie winner Blake NotSoLively signs on to another movie that sounds like a cold turd – Lainey Gossip

JLo SANS Photoshop – Drunken Stepfather

Margot Robbie is a regular Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas – Celebitchy

John Stamos and Dave Coulier were the original Pussy Posse – The Superficial

Well, the good thing about Kim Kartrashian’s latex dress is that she can just easily wipe the piss off – Hollywood Tuna

And in news that’ll make you prolapse from shock, Juicy Joe from The Real Housewives of New Jersey is a shit dad and drunk – Reality Tea

Here’s the cut song sung by Meryl Streep from Into the Woods. And I’m slightly surprised that as soon as the director made the decision to cut one of Meryl’s songs, a lightning bolt from heaven didn’t strike him dead – Towleroad

I don’t know if I’d call Emmy Rossum’s stretch a sexy stretch. It looks more like she’s sneezing and farting at the same time. I guess it’s sexy if your sick ass is into that sort of thing – Popoholic

Sam Rockwell’s sweet moves take me higher, but his dancing is not “Christopher Walken in a Fatboy Slim video” levels of greatness – Pajiba

The hell kind of stuff is this dog on? – The Berry

Halle Berry on how the roles didn’t magically fall into her lap after winning the Oscar – HuffPo

Jenny McCarthy, will you stop drunk emailing Amanda Peet! – ICYDK

Jennifer Lawrence defends David O. Russell, sounds like a memaw while doing so, I mean, “malarkey“? – Popsugar

Katy Perry should write a diss track for the Left Shark for stealing the Halftime Show from her ass – HuffPo

Rosie O’Donnell files paper to legally quit her wife – Just Jared

Thieves Return Lupita Nyong’o’s Oscar Dress After They Were Told It’s Made Of Fake Pearls (UPDATE)

The Case of the Snatched Pearl Dress is possibly closed and surprisingly, it didn’t take Jessica Fletcher to solve that shit. On Tuesday, the dress that looks like a bunch of oysters jacked up all over it was stolen from Lupita Nyong’o’s hotel room at The London in West Hollywood. The cops valued the Calvin Klein Collection dress at $150,000 and pearl experts said it could be worth up to $10 million. Well, the thieves returned the dress, because they say it’s made of fakery.

TMZ says that the pearl robbers called them this afternoon to bitch and moan about how the dress is about as valuable as a rat’s cum load. The thieves claim that they got into Lupita’s room, because somebody left the door slightly open. Once they stole the dress, they took two pearls from it to the garment district in Downtown L.A. to see if they could sell them. They were told the pearls weren’t real. So the thieves put the dress in a trash bag, went back to The London and left it in a bathroom near the gym. TMZ called the cops who later found the dress exactly where the thieves said they left it. Here’s a picture of it:

The thieves said that they called TMZ because they want the world to know about “Hollywood’s fake bullshit.” Thank you, thieves, for this brand new information. You truly have enlightened us. You are heroes. Not only do you have your PhDs in thievery, but you also have your doctorates in wisdom.

These thieves sound like they have brains made of fake pearls, but I’m assuming they’re not dumb enough to take those pearls to a fabric store in the garment district. I’m assuming they took them to a jeweler. I mean, taking pearls to a fabric store to be appraised is like asking me to point out a woman’s G-spot.

As far as my ass knows, there’s 3 possibilities:

1. That dress isn’t made with real pearls.

2. That dress is made of some real pearls and those dumb thieves happened to get 2 fake pearls from the dress appraised.

3. That dress is really covered in 6,000 real pearls and those thieves got a wrong appraisal.

Whatever the case may be, it sounds like those stupid ass thieves got theirs. Well, at least we know that Lindsay Lohan wasn’t involved, because she would never make an amateur mistake like this. Even if she did find out that dress wasn’t made of real pearls, she’d make the most of it. She’d that dress apart and make 500 Lindsay Lohan brand anal beads out of it.

UPDATE: The people at Calvin Klein are apparently playing the “We never said that shit was real” card. Sources tell TMZ that it was Lupita’s stylist who told the cops the dress was worth $150,000 and Calvin Klein’s team never said anything about the dress being made of real pearls. They never said the pearls were fake, because they figured everyone would assume they were fake since this isn’t Ancient Egypt times where hos were covered in real jewels.

And because of this story and the black and blue dress mystery, it really is the week of the dress. I hope The Slut Dress makes a comeback this week by leaking its sex tape.

Naomi The Terrible Is Up To Her Old Tricks Again

It feels like it’s been centuries since two-time welterweight BlackBerry boxer grand champion Naomi Campbell has injected fear into the streets by whoopin’ tricks left and right. Naomi hasn’t curbed her cuntiness (THANK GOD), but I thought that maybe she retired her slapping hands and was done with leaving her mark (aka her palm print) on people’s faces. Well, I thought wrong, because Naomi the Terrible was back to terrorizing hos in Cuba yesterday.

A cameraman from NBC News made the mistake of following Naomi as she left her hotel in Havana. Naomi told him to get out of her face. Now, when Naomi Campbell tells you to get out of her face, you either listen or you call your mother to tell her you love her, put on a helmet and hope for the best while clutching a rosary. The cameraman kept filming and so Naomi came for his ass. I don’t know what that NBC cameraman was thinking. Maybe he was thinking he could sue her ass? I don’t know. But if Naomi came running toward me, I’d drop my camera and run to the nearest church. Naomi pounced on his ass and bitch slapped his camera around.

The cameraman wasn’t injured and he was lucky he got away ALIVE. Naomi later called NBC News (which is owned by NBCUniversal, which owns Oxygen, the network The Face airs on) to apologize and said it was all just one, big misunderstanding!

“I am sorry for what happened. It was all a big misunderstanding. Please forgive me,” Campbell said in a telephone interview on Thursday afternoon.

What Naomi means by “misunderstanding” is that she didn’t want a camera filming her face for free and the cameraman didn’t understand that, so she had to explain it to him in a language he may understand. The language being her favorite language: Slapanese. That’s what she meant.

And here’s Naomi leaving some restaurant with Kate Moss in London the other day.

Pics: Splash

Kelly Osbourne Is Done With Fashion Police

My vote for Kelly’s replacement is Giggy Vanderpump! But Kathy, Giuliana and Brad would never agree to that, because Giggy would take all the attention away from their asses, obviously.

After all the smoke and fuckery cleared from that Zendaya mess, I kind of thought if anybody was going to make their way out of the Fashion Police exit door, it would be Ghouliana Rancid. But TMZ says that Kelly Osbourne has made good on her threat to quit the show.

After Zendaya slapped at Giuliana for joking about how her dreads must smell like patchouli and weed, Kelly Osbourne squeezed herself right into the middle by going on an ALL-CAPS rant on Twitter where she threatened to quit Fashion Police over what was said. When Giuliana released another apology, Kelly calmed down on the CAPS and tweeted this: “It takes a strong women to apologize & makes a forgiving women even stronger!” But TMZ says that even though Giuliana apologized and Zendaya accepted her apology, Kelly bolted anyway.

Apparently, the producers started having problems with Kelly as soon as the first episode without Joan Rivers taped. Kelly didn’t like the way the show was being produced and the producers were over her. Kelly quit today. E! queefed up this statement of words about Kelly’s exit:

“Kelly Osbourne is departing E!s Fashion Police to pursue other opportunities, and we would like to thank her for her many contributions to the series over the past five years, during which time the show became a hit with viewers. Fashion Police will return, as scheduled, on Friday, March 30th at 9:00 p.m. and no decisions have been made on her replacement.”

“Other opportunities.” Oh shit, she’s totally going to replace Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. Or maybe she’s replacing Brian Williams.

E! is really pulling our dicks with that “no decisions have been made on her replacement” shit. We all know who Kelly’s replacement is going to be. E! better up Fashion Police’s budget, because they’re going to need a few animal trainers on set since Khloe Kardashian is obviously going to replace Kelly. E! should just fire everyone on Fashion Police, change the name to Kardashian Police and have that show be nothing but Kim, Khloe and Kourtney jacking off to their red carpet photos of the week. That’s what Fashion Police is eventually going to become.

And Giuliana better hide… Because if Ozzy Osbourne comes to the set to defend his daughter, who knows what he’ll do when he sees Giuliana’s bird-looking ass. We all know what Ozzy did to that dove…

Open Post: Hosted By Eddie Redmayne As Transgender Artist Lili Elbe

I don’t know if he looks like Kelly Reilly, Jessica Chastain’s younger bird-like sister or Bryce Dallas Howard after a 75 day juice cleanse? Or all of the above? Let’s just say that he looks like every ginger Hollywood actress and call it a day.

Working Title tweeted this picture of brand new Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne as Lili Elbe in The Danish Girl. Lili Elbe (who kind of gives me Lady Gaga vibes) was one of the first people to get sex reassignment surgery in the 1930s. Here’s a plot summary from IMDB:

Inspired by the true story of Danish artists Einar Wegener and his wife Gerda, this tender portrait of a marriage asks: What do you do when someone you love wants to change? It starts with a question, a simple favor asked of a husband by his wife on an afternoon chilled by the Baltic wind while both are painting in their studio. Her portrait model has canceled, and would he mind slipping into a pair of women’s shoes and stockings for a few moments so she can finish the painting on time. “Of course,” he answers. “Anything at all.” With that, one of the most passionate and unusual love stories of the twentieth century begins.

It’s currently shooting and its director is Tom Hooper who directed The King’s Speech and directed Eddie in Les Miserables. It also stars Alicia Vikander as Gerda as well as Amber Heard and Ben Wishaw. IMDB says The Danish Girl is coming out in 2016, but it’ll most likely come out later this year just in time for the OSCUHs!

Tom Hooper directing a movie about a transgender artist played by Eddie Redmayne… We all know where this is going. Tom Hooper + a period piece + a biopic + Eddie Redmayne as a transgender pioneer = Let’s not even bother with a 45-hour-long Oscar ceremony next year, because it’s obvious that this movie and Eddie Redmayne are going to get all the awards. Nobody else should even bother. Just polish off a few trophies with Leonardo DiCaprio’s tears, hand them over to Tom and Eddie, and let’s keep it moving. See you at the 2017 Oscars!

Here’s Eddie and his Hannah Bagshawe at Heathrow a few days ago.

Pics: Splash, @Working_Title