It’s that time again. It’s time to play “How Many Names From The ‘Dancing For A Check’ Cast List Make Your Brain Shit Up A Question Mark?”
The Dancing with the Has-Beens season 20 cast was announced this morning, and you know, for the first time in a long time they are living up to the name Dancing with the Stars. I mean, both Suzanne Somers and Patti LaBelle are in the cast and their bright shining top tier A-list status is enough to elevate the Z-listers up to a low E. The new season doesn’t start until March 16th, so that gives Suzanne and Patti plenty of time to fake an injury during rehearsals to get out of this mess.
Every time a new cast is announced, I only read the names and count how many times I have to get my fingers to take me to Google to see who these bitches are. I only did that three times while reading this cast list. Either they’re getting bigger “stars” (HA!) or I don’t know how to do simple multiplication anymore, because that memory was replaced by knowing who the fuck Charlotte McKinney is. Definitely the latter. Here’s the list of the gigantic superstars (see: Suzanne and Patti), has-beens and never-wases who will dance for a check (or relevancy) next month:
Noah Galloway (partnered with Sharna Burgess), an army vet who lost part of his arm and leg while fighting in Iraq.
Robert Herjavec (partnered with Kym Johnson), a shark from Shark Tank.
Patti LaBelle (partnered with Artem Chigvintsev), legend and arch rival of Aretha Franklin.
Nastia Liukin (partnered with Derek Hough), Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast known to me as Nasty Nastia.
Riker Lynch (partnered with Allison Holker), someone who was on Glee for a handful of episodes.
Charlotte McKinney (partnered with Keo Motsepe), someone who ate a cheeseburger without her top on in a Carl’s Jr. commercial. I did not have to Google her name and this should really concern me.
RedFoo (partnered with Emma Slater), Sideshow Bob’s annoying cousin and ear assaulter from LMFAO.
Michael Sam (partnered Peta Murgatroyd), first openly gay player drafted into the NFL.
Willow Shields (partnered Mark Ballas), Katniss’ little sister in The Hunger Games movies.
Suzanne Somers (partnered with Tony Dovolani), star of She’s The Sheriff and the face of the Three Way Poncho!
Rumer Willis (partnered with Valentin Chmerkovskiy), someone who is known for being pulled out of Demi Moore’s cooch.
I haven’t seen this mess in a while, but I may watch it this season, because I really want to see Len Goodman almost get decapitated by the flying heel that Patti LaBelle will kick off to do the Samba.