Calvin Harris is that Scottish DJ type who wouldn’t let his ex-girlfriend Rita Whora sing a song he wrote at the Teen Choice Awards after they broke up, because she may have taken a ride on Justin Bieber’s douche bottle dick or something. Well, here he is working a Photoshopped bulge and stiff Styrofoam cup-like poses in ads for Emporio Armani Underwear. After Justin Bieber’s My Buddy-on-roids ads for Calvin Klein, I’ll gladly take this.
Calvin Harris used to look like Napoleon Dynamite if Napoleon Dynamite got contacts, straightened his hair, dyed it brown and became a community college radio DJ in the late 90s. But when Calvin Harris started to get money and get more famous, he went Hollywood by going blonder and getting bigger tits. Calvin Harris is the kind of dork who you think is going to be built like Taylor Swift underneath his clothes, but then he takes his shirt off and your eyeballs get bruised from getting hit by his hard pecs. What I’m saying is that yes, yes, I’d hit it until the fire department had to use the jaws of life to pry me off of him.
After the cut are bigger pics of Calvin’s dead eyes, bland facial expressions, third eye belly button, nips and bulge (just my type!).