Lying Under Oath About Doping Will Cost Lance Armstrong $10 Million

February 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Shit. Looks like I’m going to have to cancel that upcoming reno on my indoor doping room.

So, remember that time noted asshole-type Lance Armstrong swore up and down on a stack of Bibles and rubber Livestrong bracelets in a court of law that he’d NEVER pulled a Kenny Powers and injected his ass full of performance enhancing drugs so he could be the fastest bike riding guy in the world? And then remember when he later confessed to Oprah that he was lying and that LOL JK he totally actually did? Well, apparently courts don’t like it when you commit perjury, and USA Today says that an arbitration panel in Texas has ruled Lance Armstrong has to pay a $10 million penalty for being a lie-teller.

Lance Armstrong will have to write out a $10 million check to SCA Promotions, the sports insurance company who dumped a Gatorade cooler full of dollars over Lance’s head every time he won the Tour de France. USA Today says this might be the biggest “I’m Sowwy” check written by a single person in American judicial history. But save your tears: Lance Armstrong is reportedly worth about $125 million.

However, Lance Armstrong isn’t exactly reaching for his giant checkbook just yet; his attorney Tim Herman says Lance is going to fight the decision in court, because the testicle he had removed in 1996 contained his ability to take responsibility for his actions. NO! He says it’s because “the parties reached a final and binding settlement in the case in 2006.” So basically, Lance closed that chapter of his life, and he doesn’t want it reopened. Huh, looks like I was right the first time – apparently that ball did contain his ability to take responsibility for his actions.

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