Open Post: Hosted By Fifty Shades Of Johnson

February 15, 2015 / Posted by:

See, this is the kind of fuckery that Fifty Shades of Grey inspires. It’s got Max and Ace’s parents acting like this on Instagram.

Because Jessica Simpson is bored and can just lay around as her shoe empire brings in the millions, she made her leased husband Eric Johnson earn his keep by doing a Fifty Shades of Grey-inspired Instagram photo shoot with her. You may be wondering what do these messy pictures have to do with Fifty Shades? Well, just like Fifty Shades, they’re the opposite of sexy and may make you cringe until your tampon pops out. So Jessica’s Fifty Shades tribute is pretty spot-on.

But I have no idea what’s going on in most of them. What is he doing in that top picture? Is he fisting her? Did she hide his weekly allowance in there and he’s trying to find it? Is he looking for the sequel to Major Movie Star that I’ve been waiting for? I don’t understand. And this one….

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Is he playing “In This Skin” on her leg guitar? Or maybe she’s got a stubborn doody bubble stuck up her butt and he’s trying to squeeze it out?

Like I said earlier, I haven’t seen Fifty Shits, but now I don’t need to, because these pictures are probably more awkward and hilarious than the movie. Congrats for that, Jessica. There’s another one after the cut, and if you want to add a layer of awkward to these pictures, just picture Papa Joe taking them.

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Pics: Instagram

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