Pinocchio’s long-lost bulgy-pantsed brother Brian Williams is currently public enemy no. 1 with most people he knows after he admitted to “misremembering” a bunch of stuff he said he did. Tom Brokaw is over his lying ass, NBC News told him to clear out his desk for the next 6 months, Lester Holt and the NBC News team took a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to his identity. Even the NBC Peacock is like “yeah, I don’t know that guy…“. But there is one person out there who is standing behind Brian Williams in solidarity, and that person is Captain Crazy of the S.S. Meth Mouth, Charlie Sheen.
Charlie Sheen just couldn’t bear to remain silent on the unfair treatment Brian Williams was receiving, so he took a break from thinking about running for President in 2016 to write a letter to his favorite former news anchor explaining that he knows the TRUTH: that this is nothing but a “vile witch hunt” against American Hero Brian Williams. Charlie gave said letter to TMZ (aka he was found in the TMZ parking lot screaming “HEY, SOMEBODY WRITE THIS DOWN” into a broken bullhorn) and it’s long and it’s crazy, so it’s after the cut.
Dear Mr. Williams, Sorry to bother you during this most surreal, unjust and mercurial moment in your awesome life. First off, THANK YOU, for 24 years of inimitable professionalism and top shelf brilliance, as a stone cold passion driven and (PERFECTLY) fact based journalist.
Secondly, Thank you “squared” for delivering not only the news on a nightly basis, (PERFECTLY) to myself and my family. But for every other person alive, (with a TV) who relied and still do, on your poetic, insightful and NOBLE sacrifices, that made our longest nights shorter, and our shortest nights safer.
You good sir, are a hero in my “Entire Library”
Lastly; you are clearly the victim of a transparent and vile witch hunt! Erroneously “staged” by hooligans, non coms, cowards and oligarchs, who’s only desperate and hideous goal is to discredit the genius that they relied on for almost 3 decades!
Now and forever you are a true Patriot and a Hero of mine until the day i leave this star crossed imperfect Rock we call Earth…
Mr W: respect love hi 5’s and refuge! (if you need it!) I remain humbly and on dangerous standby at your service…. I am; the MaSheen…
Brian Williams responded to the letter saying “Ah yes, my old friend Charlie Sheen. I first met Charlie Sheen back in 1989, when I was cast as Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn in the film Major League, a role that would later go on to win me two Academy Awards…”
But I think the craziest part of that whole letter is that Charlie Sheen watches actual legitimate news on television. I just assumed he got his news from the talking rat who appears every time he huffs paint thinner in the garage. “Good evening, Charlie. Today’s top stories: Just as you suspected, the government is definitely monitoring your thoughts using microwaves, there’s a ghost living in your pool house who wants to steal your teeth, and aliens are trying to communicate with you through your urine. All that and more, tonight on Rat News 6.“