All You Scientology Haters Can Go Eff Yourself, So Says Danny Masterson

February 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Danny Masterson is a born and bred Scientologist and he’s married to Scientologist Bijou Phillips (Side note: Thank you to the Dlisted commenter who once said, “Ugh, Bijou Phillips would fuck a snake,” a million years ago, because every time I type her name I think of her fucking a snake. A snake with Danny Masterson’s face and neckbeard), so of course he has strong feelings hating  on Scientology.

Paper Magazine talked to Hyde from That 70s Show at Sundance about Going Clear, the HBO documentary that EXPOSES some of the crazy and possibly criminal shit those crazies have done. Danny goes full Tom Cruise and made it perfectly clear that his body is empty of blood and only barley-flavored Kool-Aid runs through his veins, because ho doesn’t have one bad thing to say about Scientology. It’s as if L. Ron Hubbard’s ghost shoved his fist up Danny’s ass and moved his mouth while talking for him. Danny told Paper that Scientology is better than college, Scientologists don’t hate gay people (cut to John Travolta falling through a trap door into a dungeon after trying to bring up Grindr in the Scientology Centre) and how people suffering from mental illness don’t need meds when Scientology can fix them! Take it away, Danny!

On how Going Clear is “retarded” and full of “200 lies”: I only heard about [the book] recently. I do read, I do go out, but no one had mentioned it to me. When I looked into it, I noticed that he couldn’t publish that book in Canada or the UK because the libel laws are so much stricter than ours. And so when I asked about it, they’re like, “Oh yeah, there’s basically like 200 lies in the book and so in England and in Canada he couldn’t even publish that book.” Anyone can say anything about anything. How true it is, I guess that’s up to the reader. If you’re going to write something and you don’t ask the people who actually do it, then what’s the fucking point? We could all interview the KKK about what’s cool about being white, but we don’t. I don’t know; it just seems retarded to me.

On how his mind pretty much left his head when he read Dianetics at the age of 15: And then when I was maybe 15, I was like, “Oh, this is fucking awesome.” I finally was old enough to read Dianetics, which is an unbelievably not-easy book to read because it was written by somebody with a much bigger vocabulary than most of us, in 1950. It just blew my mind. I was like, “That’s the reason why I have the thoughts that I have and don’t want them, or why I behave in a certain way when something happens and I don’t know why.” Dianetics literally is the answer to that — just like, here’s what it is and here’s why, and here are the examples, and see if it works for you. And then when you notice, over and over and over you’re like, “Oh shit, that’s exactly that same thing, that’s that thing I read, that’s that thing I read,” that’s when I took it on for myself as like, this is what I want to study more than any other philosophy.

On how Scientology teaches you that if you’re thirsty  drink some water. If you question Scientology and their tactics, also drink some water, but drunk it in the underground cell I’m going to put you in after you try to run away: I’ve never been given a hard time my entire life about my belief system or my philosophy in life. Literally never once in 38 years. If people start like asking questions in a way where I feel like they have an ulterior motive, I’m just like, “Dude, just go buy a fucking book and read it and decide for your fucking self what it means. I don’t have time to have this conversation with you.” If you’re curious about something, I’ll give you my one- or two-minute version of my opinion on it, but it’s also like that’s my opinion on what I read. You should read it for yourself, and decide whether you agree or disagree with it. And that’s a big thing in Scientology: the shit that is there at this point has been tested over and over and over so that each thing actually works. It’s like what I said earlier: “Oh my god, I’m so thirsty.” “OK cool, go drink water. That’s your solution.” And everything basically in Scientology is like, “Here’s a problem; OK cool, here’s something you can study that will help you find the solution to that problem.” There’s nothing more to it.

And this: Everything in Scientology is just based on logic. I mean, the word Scientology means the study of knowledge. So there’s nothing else to it.

On L. Ron Hubbard: He’s a fucking guy who wrote awesome shit that I love studying. That’s who he is. ….No one in Scientology thinks he’s a Messiah.

On how Scientology is so much better than college: No. I mean, most of the courses cost 20, 50 bucks. If you can’t afford to go sit in a room and have someone who’s trained in that course give you the lessons and help you study and learn it, then I don’t know what to say. I mean, it’s cheaper than college. You could argue how expensive college is and then the debt for the next 10 years — and then how often do you use all of that information? I feel like I got the better end of the deal on that one.

On how Scientologists hate psychiatrists, because Prozac causes school shootings, or something: Yes. You will not find a Scientologist who does not fucking hate psychiatrists. Because their solution for mental and spiritual problems is drugs. So let’s talk about putting a Band-Aid on something that’s just going to get worse and worse and worse. And the thing is, I’m sure there are tons and tons of amazing human beings who are psychologists or psychiatrists. But it’s like, if you study that man is an animal and nothing more than that, and you basically have this fuckin’ manual that has, what, 5,000 disorders in it, that you just bill your insurance company — “Oh, you have PMS disorder, you have caffeine-addict disorder, you have mathematics disorder; here, take Prozac” — what the fuck is that? Scientology handles those things, those mental problems that people have. It gets rid of them. It gets rid of them by that person doing it for themselves. That’s the solution to depression, not fuckin’ Prozac and whatever other pill that makes the kid then walk into a goddamn school and kill other kids.

On how there are plenty of openly gay Scientologists and Scientology didn’t back up Prop 8. Just look at all the openly gay Scientologists! There’s so many of them (cut to a field full of tumbleweeds): You’ll [hear] over and over where people ask somebody in the church to give their opinion and it’s like, “We have no opinion in the world of politics. We are a religion.” So if you want to know about spirituality we will talk about that, but not on anyone’s stance on the politics of that. I mean, dude, there’s a fucking ton of gay Scientologists. There’s absolutely nothing on anyone in Scientology being [for or] against Prop. 8 in terms of them picking that as their religious stance.

On if he thinks Scientology will ever be taken seriously like some of the bigger “religions: I think next week, it begins. [laughs] I mean, to me it already is. I haven’t had a conversation like this about my philosophy — I don’t think ever. But I love doing it and have no problem doing it. I work, I have a family and I’m a spiritual being who likes to understand why things happen in the world and want to learn more so that I can have them not affect me adversely. So if that’s weird, then, well, you can go fuck yourself.

If Scientology cures mental problems, then why are some of them level 10 insane? If I had to sit in a room with Danny, Kirstie Alley, Tommy Girl and John Travolta and listen to them say shit like this, I’d go full crazy and beg for all the meds. But you probably didn’t read any of what I just wrote, because right after Danny told you to go fuck yourself if you think Scientology is a mess, you molded a dildo out of your own glibnes and began fucking yourself.

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