Jennifer Aniston Will Get To Walk Across The Stage At The Oscars After All!

February 11, 2015 / Posted by:

Buuuuuut only so she can approach the microphone and call out the name of someone who was nominated for an award. “Gee, thanks. Do you also need someone to clean up after the ceremony as well?” thought Jennifer Aniston, as she chugged down her third glass of Fuck-It-All Farms™ pinot greege.

People says that after being snubbed by the academy for her riveting turn as a sad lady with bad hair in Cake, Jennifer Aniston will be a presenter at the Academy Awards on February 22nd. Also joining her in the Snubbed Presenter Club is David Oyelowo, who the academy forgot to give a nomination for his portrayal of Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma. Other non-nominated presenters include Sienna Miller, Chris Pratt, Kerry Washington, and John Travolta, who I secretly hope gets trolled by the academy by presenting the award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling.

God, is that academy run by Regina George or what? First they’re all like “I don’t know Jenny…I only have one invitation to my super-exclusive birthday party left, and I was thinking of giving it to Angelina Jolie, so it looks like you’re going to have to prove to me how much you want it.” Then after Jenny pimps out Cake on every damn TV show from here to the all-penguin cable access channel in Antarctica, they’re like “Yeah, so I forgot I had to invite Meryl Streep. Sorreeeee.” Then they corner Jenny at her locker a month later and are like “I’ve got some good news, gurl – you can totally come to my party! There was a screw-up with the caterers and we need someone to work the shrimp cocktail station. You’re not allergic to shellfish, right? Swing by my house around 4pm and my mom will give you an apron and a hairnet.

And I really hope she gets back at those shady bitches in the academy by announcing everyone in her category as “these fuckers“.

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