Adding one more layer of WTF to last night’s already too-long Sam Smith Appreciation Awards, Her Majesty Beyonce’s gospel-sounding and possibly poached Grammy performance was introduced by the singer no one asked for, but keeps trying anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow. And in true Goopy fashion, Gwyneth made sure to remind us that Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t have regular friends, like the poor losers watching at home, but special important famous friends by introducing her as “my beautiful friend Beyonce.” Even Beyonce was like “calm down, you thirsty trick, I want you to kiss my ass, not suck it dry.”
Goopy also decided to burp up some vague words about living in “complicated times” before introducing Beyonce’s performance of “Take My Hand, Precious Lord” (which was featured in the movie Selma, then followed by a performance of “Glory” by Common and John Legend), and naturally that went over real well on Twitter. Goopy introducing a civil right’s song makes about as much sense as my Pop Tarts-popping ass introducing Cookie Monster and a bunch of come-to-life veggies singing about eating healthy foods. “Complicated times”? The only thing Goopy knows about struggle is when they run out of heirloom radish greens at the her invitation-only organic farmers market.
I apologize to those of you who wanted to see more pictures of a humanoid corn broom in one of Vanna White’s old Wheel dresses from the early 90s, but Goopy didn’t walk the red carpet at the Grammys last night. So here’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s beautiful friend Beyonce serving up some store brand Laverne Cox instead: