Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Hoku, the bubblegum pop icon that never was!

Hoku was HSOTD all the way back in the olden days of Dlisted’s first year, but I’m making her HSOTD on this Grammy Sunday, because she should be there tonight getting a special tribute from all of the pop tricks who would be nothing without her! Hoku (born name: Hoku Christian Ho. I curse my dad for not being born with the last name Ho and for not naming me Christian Ho, which is definitely at the top of the list of hottest names.) is one of the late Don Ho’s ten children and she had a couple of hits in the early aughts. I probably don’t have to tell you any of this, because I’m sure you learned everything about Hoku during your History of Everything Important class in college. But I’ll repeat it for those who are uneducated.

Hoku dropped out of college when Geffen Records signed her to a $300,000 contract . Her first song, the important feminist anthem “Another Dumb Blonde,” was on the soundtrack of the cinematic masterpiece Snow Day. With “Another Dumb Blonde,” Hoku introduced herself to the world as a young, modern intelligent woman who breaks up with her cheating, asshole, superficial boyfriend via webcam and isn’t going to be with a dude who doesn’t appreciate her heart or mind. It’s not alright and it’s not okay that this song didn’t propel Hoku to the top of the music world. (Side note: If you’re ever in Southern California and see a brown-headed gay dude singing “Another Dumb Blonde” like the rent is due while driving down the street, judge me accordingly and file it in your “Gayest Things I’ve Ever Seen” folder.)

Another Dumb Blonde” did do really well, though, so Geffen fast-tracked her album. It came out in April 2000 and the album’s first single “Perfect Day” was on the Legally Blonde soundtrack. “Perfect Day” is still extremely relevant today. It’s a very important beach resort commercial jingle.

The junior high school dance chanteuse’s short-lived pop career ended six seconds after it began. Hoku never recorded a second album for Geffen and she quit that bitch in 2001. Apparently, Geffen wanted her to compete with the likes of Xtina and Brit Brit by slutting it up, but Hoku is a good Pentecostal Christian girl and refused to pop her pussy for fame. Hoku told People in 2001 that wasn’t comfortable with being a sex symbol. Hoku tried to get back into pop music in 2007 and released a second album, which didn’t go anywhere (except for my iPod). Last year, Bustle posted a Peabody-worthy investigative piece about Hoku. They discovered that she’s still married to her former manager Jeremy Clements whom she married in 1999 when she was just 18. They have a kid named Téa and Hoku seems to be a full-time mom now and she sometimes blogs on her invitation-only mommy blog. She has a Twitter, which she hasn’t updated since 2009, and a Facebook, which has been left empty since 2007.

Hopefully Hoku will watch the Grammys tonight (and hopefully she’ll do it while wearing a scarf blouse), because I fully expect every single winner in every single pop category to thank her for paving the way for their asses!

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