All week long the Today show has been whoring out Fifty Shades of Grey hard, because they’re both owned by the same company and the producers of that cinematic shit show just knew that hearing human tap water drop Savannah Guthrie talk about the hot sex scenes would make you want to lube up your entire body and buy a ticket. I didn’t think anything could make Fifty Shades of Grey unsexier, but hearing Matt Lauer talk about it proved me wrong. Today’s non-stop whoring of Fifty Shades hit a fever pitch this morning when they hosted an early morning screening for the book’s biggest fans. RIP to the venue where that screening was held. Even if Fifty Shades sucked, you know those middle-aged moms still squirted out so much tapioca panty pudding that not even Hazmat could clean up the mess.
Before and after the screening, Savannah, Carson Daly and Natalie Morales did an interview with EL James, the movie’s director Sam Taylor-Johnson, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson. It was Fifty Shades of Aaaaaaawkward. Jamie, Dakota and Sam tried to act like they were happy and excited but they looked like they were in the lobby of a clinic waiting for their HIV test results. Their mouths said, “I am excited,” but their faces said, “Get me the fuck out of here.” They all had Princess Charlene face. I know, after reading Gawker’s long post about how they all supposedly hate each other and Sam Taylor-Johnson’s words about EL James, I should have expected them to look about as happy and excited as a cow at a car wash.
But they don’t even try. In the pictures from this morning’s screening, Jamie looks like a dude who took his sister to the prom because his parents promised to put the down payment on the car he’s been eyeing if he did.
And in other news, the hell kind of melting snowman dominatrix secretary shit is Dakota Johnson wearing?