Most of the remakes that Hollywood farts up don’t need to exist, but this one really doesn’t need to exist. The original is just fine. The original never really scared me as a kid, though. I though that getting sucked into the TV sounded kind of fun. Yes, my mother got me therapy very early on in life. Anyway…
The remake, starring Sam Rockwell and Rosemarie Dewitt, has the same plot as the original but takes place in the now instead of in the early 80s. Judging by the trailer, they didn’t really modernize it that much. I mean, if you’re going to modernize Poltergeist, then the little girl should get sucked into a tablet, the medium should be the Long Island Medium (Ha! That family would be screwed if they got help from The Long Island Medium) and the creepy clown should be replaced by something more terrifying and sinister: a Justin Bieber doll. I’m also surprised that they found actors who want to be in this shit. If I was an actor and my agent asked me if I wanted to be in the Poltergeist remake, I’d scream back, “Bitch, are you wishing death upon me?” Three words: The Poltergeist Curse.
Here’s the trailer, judge for yourself:
Sam Raimi is behind this, so maybe it won’t be totally awful, but I really don’t know. I just don’t see how it can work. I mean, it is missing the only ingredient that truly matters: TANGINA (which sounds like a nickname for Tan Mom’s twat).
Making a Poltergeist movie without Tangina is like making a cake without flour or making a white wine spritzer without Sprite (you can throw me a “you trash” side-eye, but you know I’m right).
The house is not clean until Tangina herself says it’s clean.
GIF: Aunt John