If Channing Tatum working in a metal shop ala Flashdance and Kevin Nash’ awkward stomping and luscious mane makes your loins gush like a vanilla pudding Snack Pack that’s been squeezed too tight, then cover your screen with Saran Wrap and lay down the tarp, because the first trailer for Magic Mike XXL is out. The Texas T-Rex is out (because his Oscar tells him that he’s way too fancy for this shit) and so is that annoying Cody Horn person who is the worst case of nepotism in a while. Amber Heard and Michael Straham’s gap are in. You don’t care, but here’s the synopsis anyway:
Picking up the story three years after Mike bowed out of the stripper life at the top of his game, “Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa likewise ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.
You know what bothers me about that synopsis? The fact that there is a synopsis. We don’t want a plot! We just need 3D close-ups of bulges and Matt Boner’s ass bouncing up and down like a tiny bulldog in a pick-up truck as he humps the floor while “Pony” plays. This is the synopsis for Magic Mike XXL I want to read:
BULGE BULGE BUGLE DICK THRUSTING BULGE PECS DICK BULGE BULGE BULGE SWAYING DICK BULGE BULGE BOUNCING ASSES DICK BULGE BULGE TWERKING PECS BULGE BULGE AIR FUCKING BARE ASS BULGE BULGE DICK BULGE
And this is how product placement is done:
Although, it really should’ve been leche instead. They missed out on a good opportunity to make the best Got Milk? ad ever.