It’s a shitty shame that SkyMall is close to death, because they’re the ones to sell an Amy Adams scarf.
The cover of last year’s Vanity Fair Hollywood issue wasn’t sixty layers of awful as usual, so I guess this year they decided to go back to wet farting up covers that look a shitty mess. They took the actors from some of the this year’s Oscar-nominated movies and threw them all on this raggedy cover together. On it are: Amy Adams, Channing Tatum, Reese Witherspoon, Eddie Redmayne, Felicity Jones, David Oyelowo, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sienna Miller, Oscar Isaac and Miles Teller. Almost everybody on this cover looks like hell. Vanity Fair did them wrong. Amy Adams looks like she’s been suffering from the flu for two weeks, Carol Channing Tatum O’Neal looks like a smug caveman lothario who’s carrying the woman he just clubbed, Laura Jeanne Poon’s tits look like a tiny flat ass, Eddie Redmayne and B. Cums look like two creepy aliens you can’t trust and Miles Teller loos like a confused poodle who just got Dirty Sanchez’d. Behold the pullout:
They look like a bunch of high schoolers who left prom early, got drunk on Boone’s Farms in the parking lot and then piled into a booth at Denny’s to share a plate of french fries.
I hear some of you screaming, “Who did Sienna Miller’s publicist blow to get her on that cover?” Sorry home wrecker haters, but she belongs on that cover. Not only did she say one of the important lines in Foxcatcher (“I said hi, Mark”) but she acted alongside one of the most relevant and biggest stars in Hollywood today: the fake baby from American Sniper! Speaking of, this cover is trash and whatever credibility Vanity Fair had left, they flushed down the urinal as soon as they made the decision to not put the fake baby from American Sniper on the cover. That fake baby is the only star in Hollywood who really matters.
Also, here’s some pictures of Laura Jeanne Poon, Eddie Redmayne and Felicity Jones at yesterday’s Oscar nominee luncheon in L.A. Julianne Moore is not on VF’s cover, but I threw in pictures of her, because everybody needs to know that her stylist must be stopped.