Hot Slut Of The Day!

Jimmy the Groundhog, the groundhog from Wisconsin who is sick of being trotted out in the cold for the cameras and bit back!

Yesterday was Groundhog Day, so groundhogs all over the country were woken up early and were forced to take part in that dumbass tradition where they have to predict if there’s going to be six more weeks of frozen anuses. The A-list, high ranking queen of weather-predicting groundhogs, Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow and then silently cackled to himself while thinking about all the humans crying icicle tears over winter not ending early. In Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, it’s not clear what Jimmy the Groundhog (the Rita Ora to Punxsutawney Phil’s RiRi) predicted, but it is very clear that he predicted six rounds of rabies shots for the mayor when he Mike Tyson’d him.

WISC-TV says that early yesterday morning, Jimmy was escorted to the HIGHLY IMPORTANT press conference where he “whispered” his prediction into the mayor’s ear in “groundhogese.” The HELL? First of all, it’s Wisconsin. Isn’t it always winter? Why do they need a groundhog to tell them that in a fake ass language? Well, when Jimmy was raised up to the mayor’s ear, he probably whispered, “I predict you’re going to scream ‘OW’ in about 1 second, bitch,” because he went for the ear. Mayor Jonathan Freund made a note to later have that groundhog arrested and tried for attempted murder and then told everyone that it was going to be an early spring. But Jimmy’s caretaker quickly stepped in and said that the mayor got it wrong. There’s going to be six more weeks of winter. The City of Sun Prairie eventually wrote this statement about the disagreement. Yes, it was somebody’s job to write this statement:

“While tradition holds that only the mayor can translate Jimmy’s prediction and that a clear sky generally means Jimmy sees his shadow and that winter will go on for six more weeks, the mayor’s translation this morning was clearly for an early spring. The break with tradition is unusual, but not unprecedented.”

And here’s the video which you need in your life:

Jimmy shows up to the ceremony in a limo and then he bites the mayor’s ear? Dear Bravo, please immediately greenlight The Real Hedgehogs of Sun Prairie starring that diva bitch Jimmy!

(For James and Cary)