Val Kilmer’s Family Says He Isn’t Treating A Tumor In His Throat Because He’s A Hardcore Christian Scientist

February 2, 2015 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, Brad Pitt’s Bizarro World equivalent Val Kilmer is currently in a bad way: he’s got a troublemaking tumor living in his throat that they claim put him in the hospital last week for an operation. Typically if a tumor type puts you in the hospital, you send it an eviction notice in the form of an appointment to have a medical professional surgically remove it (or in the case of a cyst, you have a friend take an X-Acto knife to it in the kitchen while someone else films it for YouTube). However, Val’s family tells TMZ that they’re worried he’s going to try to pray away his tumor, because he’s big into Christian Science and they’re not big on surgery. Even Christian Science is like “You know, we should really consider changing our name to something less confusing.

Val’s family says that they’ve tried to convince Val to see a doctor and get his throat tumor taken care of since the summer, but that he’s brushed them off in favor of asking Dr. Jesus for help. And it sounds like Dr. Jesus is about as qualified as Dr. Nick Riviera, because they claim he’s had trouble speaking, and once his neck swelled up so badly he had to cover it with scarves. Oooh, how very Dieter Von Cunth of him.

But Val Kilmer is calling BS on reports that he has a throat tumor. Val explained his throat situation on Facebook (via Gossip Cop) saying that there is no tumor and no tumor operation, adding that he was in the hospital last week for “a complication” and that he and his Christian Science practitioner are currently waiting on the results of an x-ray to see what’s up. Then he sort of went on a bonkers rant calling USA Today a bunch of lie-telling LIARS. It’s very long and a little tinfoil hat-y, so I’ve put it after the cut.

“USA TODAY is making a claim that my representative is more correct about the facts of my body than I am. That’ll be a first for entertainment history at large. Please direct any concerned friends you may have that want to know how I’m doing to this sight. You all know it’s me talking, and you all know if it’s different “facts” in USA TODAY they are not telling the truth because they are trying to sell a story that sells more magazines. Or whatever they sell nowadays. I’ve been quiet about my health because it’s my business. Even my weight has ended up demanding me to “respond” because my weight loss was presented in a negative way.

So many important and crucial issues at hand, racism more out in the open trying to get buried again, religious ignorance and bigotry trying to wrap itself up in legitimate concerns of national and international safety, gun control represented again and again as something other than a fear based question. We all know our rights. We all know what’s been written as our rights. And we all have to answer new questions and apply our genius government to a new world. We know lots of things. We know too many millions yes millions of young men are in prison who could be helping and being helped by rebuilding our broken nation. We know however it happened and whoever made it happen, the failed drug war has put too many men of color act in chains and it must and will stop. We all know the questions and Some of the answers are very very simple and some are very very complicated.

But one of the questions that isn’t importantly sure even to the faithful readers of USA TODAY, is whether my representative is more right about describing the up to the minute about my body. Let’s cross that off the list shall we. If you want to know something about me, write me here. I’ll hire someone and we will do live chats and interviews and written Q and A’s until you’re sick of me as USA TODAY would have you believe I am.

I’ll start with the Facebook communication company tomorrow. I have a few friends into this selling of themselves on a professional level to turn to. I’m sure I can pick a cool one. And my “rep” USA TODAY mentions too is cool also. Maybe she can help get me into the 21st century communicating honestly and consistently with people who enjoy my work and deserve better than the no fact checking blogging that gets sold as legitimate news today to our grand lazy public. I don’t mean you. You haven’t a clue what was in the USA TODAY article. You were reading Wallace Stevens weren’t you….”

That’s a super long way to say “If you want to know what’s up with Val Kilmer, please DM Val Kilmer directly on Facebook.” But I am glad Val Kilmer is ok, because I don’t know what I’d do if we lost Madmartigan.

On a completely different note, I have a lot of questions about this “Facebook Communication Company” Val Kilmer speaks of. Is it a subsidiary of AT&T? Does Val Kilmer know something we don’t know about Facebook? Should I be calling up my broker and asking to move all my money into the Facebook Communication Company? HA! As if my broke ass has one of those. But should I be getting one and investing in the FCC?

Pic: Splash

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