Tom Cruise Might Pack On The Chunk For His Next Movie

February 2, 2015 / Posted by:

I hope the intergalactic thetan cobbler who makes Tom Cruise’s tiny little shoes has access to some good space titanium, because it sounds like he’s going to need to start reinforcing his lifts. According to Page Six, once shooting wraps on Mission: Impossible 5, Tom Cruise is going to start stuffing his face full of Little Xenu™ snack cakes in preparation for his role as a pilot-turned-drug trafficker in the upcoming film Mena.

Tom Cruise is reportedly playing Barry Seal, a real-life TWA pilot who smuggled drugs for Pablo Escobar in the 80s then went to work for the DEA and CIA before he was assassinated in 1986. He was also almost 300lbs, which means that Tommy has a lot of gobbling to do, because there’s no way Top Gun clocks in anywhere north of 145lbs. Maybe 150 if he’s wearing one of John Travolta’s wigs as a shawl, but that’s pushing it.

Page Six also says there’s no word on whether or not he’ll break out his fat suit from Tropic Thunder, but this movie sounds like serious Oscar bait (true story + biopic + period piece), which means you can’t half-ass it if you want that Academy Award nomination. You need to go full fat. Yes, Tommy’s delicate knee joints will dissolve under all that extra weight, and once he sheds the weight his skin will be so loose people will mistake him for a deflated hot air balloon, but he might get that Oscar! Go for it, Tommy – reach for the stars! Or in this case, cans of cake frosting. And reach for them using an edible grabber claw. Or better yet, get someone else to reach for them – you don’t want to burn any precious calories.

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