As a Canadian person, I never knew the greasy joy that is going to the Waffle House half-drunk on a Saturday night. We don’t have Waffle Houses up here (and please don’t ask if we have Waffle Igloos, because I really wish we did), so when I finally did get a chance to go to one, it was one of the best moments of my life. Yes, I cried. I cried sweet syrupy tears of happiness. Meanwhile, Eeyore’s cousin Kanye West goes to the Waffle House and sits there like a grumpy toddler who was just told “no more juice”.
Kanye decided to make a surprise appearance at Rihanna’s DirecTV pre-Super Bowl party in Phoenix last night, and of course he brought his life-size Barbie Kim Kardashian with him, because it’s not like one of them needs to stay home and look after the kid or anything. After the show, they decided to go to a Waffle House with John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, who look like they just came from an adult prom, and that’s when Kanye morphed into Grumpy Cat’s asshole.
Kanye is such a difficult bitch. He is totally that friend who gets all mopey in the car because he wanted IHOP and everyone else voted for Waffle House. Then when they get to Waffle House, he throws a mini-tantrum because they don’t have butter pecan syrup and orders “just water, I guess” while everyone else gets ready to mouth-fuck an All-Star Special.
Speaking of ‘the kid’, Kim made sure to remind us/herself that she’s still somebody’s mother by Instagramming a couple pics with North West before she left.
As usual, North delivers another on-point “the fuck is this nasty narcoleptic-faced anteater doing?” face. That, or she still hasn’t built up a tolerance to the overwhelming stench of lead-based foundation, eyelash glue, and cosmetic neurotoxins, and she’s just trying to keep her animal crackers down.
And I know we don’t give Academy Awards to babies, but is it too late to nominate North West for Best Actress for her performance in this picture?
Look at that happy “No, of course I’m not plotting my eventual escape” smile, the smize in her eyes that says “My getaway bag is hidden under my crib“, the fact that she barely appears to be pushing away from Kim; North West is truly the Meryl Streep of our time.
Pics: Kim Kardashian