Archives: February 2015

Birthday Sluts

February 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Bernadette Peters (67)
Olivia Palermo (29)
Fefe Dobson (30)
Karolina Kurkova (31)
Natalia Vodianova (33)
Jason Aldean (38)
Ali Larter (39)
Rory Cochrane (43)
Tasha Smith (44)
Tangi Miller (45)
Patrick Monahan (46)
Robert Sean Leonard (46)
Rae Dawn Chong (54)
John Turturro (58)
Cindy Wilson (58)
Gilbert Gottfried (60)
Mercedes Ruehl (67)
Mike Figgis (67)
Stephanie Beacham (68)
Kelly Bishop (71)
Mario Andretti (75)
Tommy Tune (76)
Gavin MacLeod (84)

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Night Crumbs

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

NOT THE BEES: The Beyhive covered Kid Rock’s Instagram with bumblebee emojis for saying that their god Beyonce is considered the Queen of Music but doesn’t have classic hits like “Purple Rain” or “Sweet Home Alabama.” Let’s see a war between a syphilis rash and a bunch of crazed stans who should be doing their 7th grade homework. Point me to the section marked Team No One – Defamer

Future multiple Razzie winner Blake NotSoLively signs on to another movie that sounds like a cold turd – Lainey Gossip

JLo SANS Photoshop – Drunken Stepfather

Margot Robbie is a regular Sonya “The Black Widow” ThomasCelebitchy

John Stamos and Dave Coulier were the original Pussy Posse – The Superficial

Well, the good thing about Kim Kartrashian’s latex dress is that she can just easily wipe the piss off – Hollywood Tuna

And in news that’ll make you prolapse from shock, Juicy Joe from The Real Housewives of New Jersey is a shit dad and drunk – Reality Tea

Here’s the cut song sung by Meryl Streep from Into the Woods. And I’m slightly surprised that as soon as the director made the decision to cut one of Meryl’s songs, a lightning bolt from heaven didn’t strike him dead – Towleroad

I don’t know if I’d call Emmy Rossum’s stretch a sexy stretch. It looks more like she’s sneezing and farting at the same time. I guess it’s sexy if your sick ass is into that sort of thing – Popoholic

Sam Rockwell’s sweet moves take me higher, but his dancing is not “Christopher Walken in a Fatboy Slim video” levels of greatness – Pajiba

The hell kind of stuff is this dog on? – The Berry

Halle Berry on how the roles didn’t magically fall into her lap after winning the Oscar – HuffPo

Jenny McCarthy, will you stop drunk emailing Amanda Peet! – ICYDK

Jennifer Lawrence defends David O. Russell, sounds like a memaw while doing so, I mean, “malarkey“? – Popsugar

Katy Perry should write a diss track for the Left Shark for stealing the Halftime Show from her ass – HuffPo

Rosie O’Donnell files paper to legally quit her wife - Just Jared

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Thieves Return Lupita Nyong’o's Oscar Dress After They Were Told It’s Made Of Fake Pearls

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The Case of the Snatched Pearl Dress is possibly closed and surprisingly, it didn’t take Jessica Fletcher to solve that shit. On Tuesday, the dress that looks like a bunch of oysters jacked up all over it was stolen from Lupita Nyong’o's hotel room at The London in West Hollywood. The cops valued the Calvin Klein Collection dress at $150,000 and pearl experts said it could be worth up to $10 million. Well, the thieves returned the dress, because they say it’s made of fakery.

TMZ says that the pearl robbers called them this afternoon to bitch and moan about how the dress is about as valuable as a rat’s cum load. The thieves claim that they got into Lupita’s room, because somebody left the door slightly open. Once they stole the dress, they took two pearls from it to the garment district in Downtown L.A. to see if they could sell them. They were told the pearls weren’t real. So the thieves put the dress in a trash bag, went back to The London and left it in a bathroom near the gym. TMZ called the cops who later found the dress exactly where the thieves said they left it. Here’s a picture of it:

lupitaoscardressfound1

The thieves said that they called TMZ because they want the world to know about “Hollywood’s fake bullshit.” Thank you, thieves, for this brand new information. You truly have enlightened us. You are heroes. Not only do you have your PhDs in thievery, but you also have your doctorates in wisdom.

These thieves sound like they have brains made of fake pearls, but I’m assuming they’re not dumb enough to take those pearls to a fabric store in the garment district. I’m assuming they took them to a jeweler. I mean, taking pearls to a fabric store to be appraised is like asking me to point out a woman’s G-spot.

As far as my ass knows, there’s 3 possibilities:

1. That dress isn’t made with real pearls.

2. That dress is made of some real pearls and those dumb thieves happened to get 2 fake pearls from the dress appraised.

3. That dress is really covered in 6,000 real pearls and those thieves got a wrong appraisal.

Whatever the case may be, it sounds like those stupid ass thieves got theirs. Well, at least we know that Lindsay Lohan wasn’t involved, because she would never make an amateur mistake like this. Even if she did find out that dress wasn’t made of real pearls, she’d make the most of it. She’d that dress apart and make 500 Lindsay Lohan brand anal beads out of it.

And because of this story and the black and blue dress mystery, it really is the week of the dress. I hope The Slut Dress makes a comeback this week by leaking its sex tape.

Naomi The Terrible Is Up To Her Old Tricks Again

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It feels like it’s been centuries since two-time welterweight BlackBerry boxer grand champion Naomi Campbell has injected fear into the streets by whoopin’ tricks left and right. Naomi hasn’t curbed her cuntiness (THANK GOD), but I thought that maybe she retired her slapping hands and was done with leaving her mark (aka her palm print) on people’s faces. Well, I thought wrong, because Naomi the Terrible was back to terrorizing hos in Cuba yesterday.

A cameraman from NBC News made the mistake of following Naomi as she left her hotel in Havana. Naomi told him to get out of her face. Now, when Naomi Campbell tells you to get out of her face, you either listen or you call your mother to tell her you love her, put on a helmet and hope for the best while clutching a rosary. The cameraman kept filming and so Naomi came for his ass. I don’t know what that NBC cameraman was thinking. Maybe he was thinking he could sue her ass? I don’t know. But if Naomi came running toward me, I’d drop my camera and run to the nearest church. Naomi pounced on his ass and bitch slapped his camera around.

The cameraman wasn’t injured and he was lucky he got away ALIVE. Naomi later called NBC News (which is owned by NBCUniversal, which owns Oxygen, the network The Face airs on) to apologize and said it was all just one, big misunderstanding!

“I am sorry for what happened. It was all a big misunderstanding. Please forgive me,” Campbell said in a telephone interview on Thursday afternoon.

What Naomi means by “misunderstanding” is that she didn’t want a camera filming her face for free and the cameraman didn’t understand that, so she had to explain it to him in a language he may understand. The language being her favorite language: Slapanese. That’s what she meant.

And here’s Naomi leaving some restaurant with Kate Moss in London the other day.

Pics: Splash

Kelly Osbourne Is Done With Fashion Police

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

My vote for Kelly’s replacement is Giggy Vanderpump! But Kathy, Giuliana and Brad would never agree to that, because Giggy would take all the attention away from their asses, obviously.

After all the smoke and fuckery cleared from that Zendaya mess, I kind of thought if anybody was going to make their way out of the Fashion Police exit door, it would be Ghouliana Rancid. But TMZ says that Kelly Osbourne has made good on her threat to quit the show.

After Zendaya slapped at Giuliana for joking about how her dreads must smell like patchouli and weed, Kelly Osbourne squeezed herself right into the middle by going on an ALL-CAPS rant on Twitter where she threatened to quit Fashion Police over what was said. When Giuliana released another apology, Kelly calmed down on the CAPS and tweeted this: “It takes a strong women to apologize & makes a forgiving women even stronger!” But TMZ says that even though Giuliana apologized and Zendaya accepted her apology, Kelly bolted anyway.

Apparently, the producers started having problems with Kelly as soon as the first episode without Joan Rivers taped. Kelly didn’t like the way the show was being produced and the producers were over her. Kelly quit today. E! queefed up this statement of words about Kelly’s exit:

“Kelly Osbourne is departing E!s Fashion Police to pursue other opportunities, and we would like to thank her for her many contributions to the series over the past five years, during which time the show became a hit with viewers. Fashion Police will return, as scheduled, on Friday, March 30th at 9:00 p.m. and no decisions have been made on her replacement.”

Other opportunities.” Oh shit, she’s totally going to replace Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. Or maybe she’s replacing Brian Williams.

E! is really pulling our dicks with that “no decisions have been made on her replacement” shit. We all know who Kelly’s replacement is going to be. E! better up Fashion Police’s budget, because they’re going to need a few animal trainers on set since Khloe Kardashian is obviously going to replace Kelly. E! should just fire everyone on Fashion Police, change the name to Kardashian Police and have that show be nothing but Kim, Khloe and Kourtney jacking off to their red carpet photos of the week. That’s what Fashion Police is eventually going to become.

And Giuliana better hide… Because if Ozzy Osbourne comes to the set to defend his daughter, who knows what he’ll do when he sees Giuliana’s bird-looking ass. We all know what Ozzy did to that dove…

Open Post: Hosted By Eddie Redmayne As Transgender Artist Lili Elbe

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know if he looks like Kelly Reilly, Jessica Chastain’s younger bird-like sister or Bryce Dallas Howard after a 75 day juice cleanse? Or all of the above? Let’s just say that he looks like every ginger Hollywood actress and call it a day.

Working Title tweeted this picture of brand new Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne as Lili Elbe in The Danish Girl. Lili Elbe (who kind of gives me Lady Gaga vibes) was one of the first people to get sex reassignment surgery in the 1930s. Here’s a plot summary from IMDB:

Inspired by the true story of Danish artists Einar Wegener and his wife Gerda, this tender portrait of a marriage asks: What do you do when someone you love wants to change? It starts with a question, a simple favor asked of a husband by his wife on an afternoon chilled by the Baltic wind while both are painting in their studio. Her portrait model has canceled, and would he mind slipping into a pair of women’s shoes and stockings for a few moments so she can finish the painting on time. “Of course,” he answers. “Anything at all.” With that, one of the most passionate and unusual love stories of the twentieth century begins.

It’s currently shooting and its director is Tom Hooper who directed The King’s Speech and directed Eddie in Les Miserables. It also stars Alicia Vikander as Gerda as well as Amber Heard and Ben Wishaw. IMDB says The Danish Girl is coming out in 2016, but it’ll most likely come out later this year just in time for the OSCUHs!

Tom Hooper directing a movie about a transgender artist played by Eddie Redmayne… We all know where this is going. Tom Hooper + a period piece + a biopic + Eddie Redmayne as a transgender pioneer = Let’s not even bother with a 45-hour-long Oscar ceremony next year, because it’s obvious that this movie and Eddie Redmayne are going to get all the awards. Nobody else should even bother. Just polish off a few trophies with Leonardo DiCaprio’s tears, hand them over to Tom and Eddie, and let’s keep it moving. See you at the 2017 Oscars!

Here’s Eddie and his Hannah Bagshawe at Heathrow a few days ago.

Pics: Splash, @Working_Title

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There Will Be A Blade Runner Sequel Starring Harrison Ford

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Nearly 33 years – THIRTY-THREE YEARS, by the way – after the release of one of the sexiest sci-fi movies every made (just me? Okay then), Variety is confirming that a sequel to Blade Runner is happening and it will star sexy salt and pepper pep-pep Harrison Ford. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you finish screaming “Hollywood has OFFICIALLY run out of ideas.

Ridley Scott won’t be back to direct Blade Runner 2: Electric Replicant Boogaloo, so he’ll be replaced with French-Canadian director Denis Villeneuve. The script has been written by one of the original screenwriters, and Harrison Ford claims it’s “the best thing (he’s) ever read.” Sure, Jan; that’s what everybody says when there’s a giant dump truck full of cash backing into their driveway. NO! I’m sure it will be as good as the original. Plus, bringing back Harrison Ford back will finally answer the question of whether or not Deckard was a human or a replicant, because I don’t remember any scenes from Blade Runner featuring any old-looking replicants complaining about their hip joints or high cholesterol.

Normally a sequel getting the green light 33 years after the original would be the definition of a disaster, but this movie is going to be great for two reasons:

1. If Harrison Ford agreed to do a late-in-life version of Indiana Jones, a late-in-life version of Han Solo, and now a late-in-life version of Rick Deckard, then that means there’s a very good chance he might also agree to do a late-in-life version of Jack Trainer in a sequel to Working Girl. Somebody PLEASE get working on that.

2. THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SEAN YOUNG! Sean Young better be in the Blade Runner sequel. After all, Harrison Ford said the script was the best thing he’s ever read, and he definitely wouldn’t have said that if it didn’t include a hue part for that A-list ball of crackpot crazy.

ScarJo Doesn’t Think There’s Anything Creepy Or Inappropriate About John Travolta

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

ScarJo is spitting at the media for taking a sweet moment at the Oscars and turning it into some creepified shit straight from the mind of Rod Serling. On Oscar night, John Travolta’s hands were hungry for some lady and when he wasn’t grabbing and kissing on ScarJo, he was giving Idina Menzel a palm facial. Travolta’s rep already said that the weird face massage was “rehearsed,” and now ScarJo is coming to his defense nearly a week later. I know, I shouldn’t give ScarJo shit for waiting almost 5 days to say something. She was probably busy rinsing her head out with an Ajax and bleach solution to rid herself of the memory of John Travolta groping her like she was a giant E-meter can.

ScarJo fave this statement to the Associated Press:

“There is nothing strange, creepy or inappropriate about John Travolta. The image that is circulating is an unfortunate still-frame from a live-action encounter that was very sweet and totally welcome. That still photo does not reflect what preceded and followed if you see the moment live. Yet another way we are misguided, misinformed and sensationalized by the 24-hour news cycle. I haven’t seen John in some years and it is always a pleasure to be greeted by him.”

If I could box up agurl, please” provided by Aunt Bunny and send it to ScarJo, I would. ScarJo has let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times, she’s been out in public with Sean Penn and to remind you again, she let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times. Her judgement of character can’t be trusted. If she says someone isn’t strange, creepy or inappropriate, they probably are strange, creepy and inappropriate.

But ScarJo does have a point. Her close encounter with the wigged kind isn’t as creepy in the video:

See, not as creepy. John Travolta just runs up to ScarJo, presses his lips against her face and tries to suck out her soul through her pores. When he realizes that she’s empty inside, he moves onto his next victim. Not creepy at all! Just a regular old Hollywood greeting.

And here’s ScarJo with her baby and husband, who looks like an extra from Valley Girl, in L.A. yesterday:

Pics: FameFlynet, Getty

Madonna’s Fall At The BRIT Awards Gave Her A Case Of Whiplash

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

When Madonna’s cape pulled an En Vogue and got all “Don’t Let Go” on her neck during her performance of “Living For Love” at the BRIT Awards on Wednesday, I figured the only damage done would be to her inbox. You know, after it blew up with emails from personal injury lawyers inquiring about her recent workplace slip and fall accident. I trusted that Madonna’s creaky granny bones and butt organs would be protected by her rock-hard ass muscles and she’d walk away without a scratch.

As it turns out, I was totally wrong. Madonna might have fallen, and she might have been able to get up, but she suffered some whiplash on the way down. Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s already a meme of Madonna getting slapped by J.K. Simmons as we speak. Madonna explained the aftermath of her Grape Stomping Lady moment to The Jonathan Ross Show on Thursday (via Billboard), saying:

“I had a little bit of whiplash, I smacked the back of my head. And I had a man standing over me with a flashlight until about 3 a.m. to make sure I was compos mentis.”

She also said she’s sworn off capes in the future. Good call – I think if we’ve learned anything from this, it’s that capes ain’t nothing but trouble.

I still can’t believe Madonna got back up and kept singing after hitting her head. Bitch is brave as hell! If I even so much as stub my toe, I’m on the ground wailing for someone to call the paramedics while mentally preparing a funeral for my toe, which will no doubt need to be amputated. Something nice, not too fancy; it’s what my toe would have wanted.

Here’s Madonna one day after Madonna pulled a Scarlet wearing a pair of shoes that look like she’s about 2 seconds away from a repeat performance:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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