And here’s some fap material for all of you sucio freaks out there whose type is a dirty grifter who will bone you behind a Walmart and afterward wipe your genitals with his stained shirt before he smokes a USA Gold cigarette while pissing on the dumpster.
After getting coffee with his girlfriend Mia Goth in L.A. yesterday, Shia LaDouche served up some “Joe Dirt’s prison bitch second cousin” messiness for the paps. If Chloe Sevigny had a baby with the movie Gummo, it would look like Shia. If Shia and Mia showed up to an extras casting for a remake of Monster, the casting director would probably say, “Too much. Too much.” You know, Shia should really be a gentlemen and cut out a pair of eyebrows from his rattail for Mia.
And up until December, Shia had a shaved head, so either he has the ability to grow hair at lightning speed (if that’s the case, John Travolta would like to clone Shia’s scalp) or he’s wearing a rattail weave. I really can’t at him wearing a fake rattail. I don’t know whether to laugh my lungs up or bow at his commitment to Florida backwoods glamour.
Leonard Nimoy’s funeral is on Sunday and it will probably be a giant, sad Star Trek reunion, but one of the members of the U.S.S. Enterprise won’t be there. William Shatner tweeted today that he won’t be at his friend’s funeral tomorrow because he’s in Florida for a charity event and won’t be able to make it back to California in time. Well, the good news is that now George Takei and William Shatner won’t get into a tussle in the front row and knock over the casket. Here’s what Shatner tweeted:
I am currently in FL as I agreed to appear at the Red Cross Ball tonight. Leonard’s funeral is tomorrow. I can’t make it back in time. I feel really awful. Here I am doing charity work and one of my dearest friends is being buried. I feel really awful. Here I am doing charity work and one of my dearest friends is being buried.
Can’t Shatner call Priceline and ask them to get him a good price on a private jet?! Because he should really perform this (sans cigarette, of course) at Leonard Nimoy’s memorial:
A couple of days ago, Movie Plot wrote a piece about how there’s a rumor that Michelle Rodriguez will play the Green Lantern in the Justice League movie. So, while outside of a restaurant in L.A. last night, a TMZ cameradude asked Zac Efron’s former strap-on dom if it was true she’s going to play The Green Lantern. Michelle, who isn’t the one to turn down a job unless she really thinks Hollywood is going to keep shitting up those Fast and Furious movies forever (which those evil doers probably will), laughed at the rumor. Michelle thinks it’s the dumbest thing she’s ever heard of and the whole “diversity in Hollywood” thing just makes her go ugh. Michelle is sick of all you “minority” actors blatantly stealing white people’s superheroes. Get your own!
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I think it’s so stupid for like, because of this whole ‘minorities in Hollywood’ thing. It’s so stupid. Stop stealing all the white people’s superheroes. Make up your own. What’s up with that?”
1. I’m no comic book nerd, but even my not-knowing ass knows that several of the Green Lanterns aren’t white and one of the first is John Stewart (not THAT Jon Stewart) who is black. Also, Movie Plot said that Michelle might play one of the newest Green Lanterns, Jessica Cruz.
2. I’m sure Hollywood will start making those “original” superhero characters as soon as they finish remaking and rebooting every single goddamn movie at least four times. Hollywood will definitely get on that, because we all know they’re just constantly spitting out original stories.
3. They’re fucking fictional characters!
4. I can’t at her for basically saying that casting Jason Momoa as Aquaman is a stupid idea, because a wet Jason Momoa coming out of the ocean in a scaly loincloth is something that needs to happen to my eyes.
Here’s the video of Michelle Rodriguez spitting out her thoughts before getting into her car:
Um, that guy from TMZ shouldn’t have even asked her that question in the first place. What he should’ve asked is her, “Michelle, how many fingers am I holding up?”
UPDATE: Michelle threw up a video on Facebook where she clarified her words as her pussy cleaned itself next to her. What Michelle says she meant is that Hollywood needs to stop being lazy bitches and instead of turning a dude superhero character into a lady or making a white superhero black, they should create new characters. She thinks it’s time to stop trying to fit a different culture into what’s already there. She also burped up something about writing our own mythology. Michelle Rodriguez going on about mythology will make sense to you as soon as you see the vape pen lying on her chest.
And here’s Michelle giving you Chico’s Kind of Day messiness at the 3rd Annual Noble Awards yesterday.
Everyone jokes about how Leonardo DiCaprio is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars, and how he probably had his basement made up to look like the stage of the Dolby Theater so that when he’s feeling down he can pretend to accept an Academy Award while the 18-year-old models he’s going to fuck later sit naked in the audience. Leo is so hard up for Oscar that every now and again he makes one of his tricks-of-the-moment paint herself up like a gold Oscar statue before they get it on. And yes, he cries afterward when he realizes he might never ever have his own real-life Oscar statue. I figured that Leonardo would eventually stop fucking around and hire a screenwriter to write a 3-hour-long movie about an anorexic, paraplegic, blind man with Tourette’s who was an undercover agent against the Nazis during World War II. Leo didn’t do that, but instead he’s coming for that Oscar by playing ALL the roles in one movie.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Leonardo’s production company is producing a movie called The Crowded Room. The Crowded Room is the real-life story of Billy Milligan, a man with 24 different personalities who successfully used multiple personality disorder as a defense in a court of law. It’s like Sybil as re-written by John Grisham. Leonardo has apparently been trying to play Billy Milligan for 20 years. Leonardo will also produce and writers have already been hired. The movie is based on the book by Daniel Keyes.
Published in 1981, Keyes’ book chronicles Milligan’s story, including his court trial in the late 1970s in Ohio after being charged with robbery and raping three women on the Ohio State University campus.
In the preparation of his defense, Milligan — who died in December 2014 — was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Pleading insanity, he and his lawyers contended that two of his alternate personalities committed the crimes without his knowledge. He was the first to use this defense, and the first to be acquitted for this reason.
Milligan’s various personalities included Adalana, a lesbian taking responsibility for the rapes; Ragen, a Yugoslavian communist who admitted to the robbery; and Arthur, an uptight Englishman.
Leonardo is serious this time. He’s playing a woman, a communist AND Benedict Cumberbatch. When all else fails, play every possible Oscar bait-y role in the same movie. I’m sure Leonardo will be so good that the Academy will have no choice but to nominate him for Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress! He’ll win them all! Or, this will happen:
“And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to…. Rob Schneider for The Hot Chick 2!”
That’s probably what’s going to happen.
In case you didn’t already know from Jada Pinkett-Smith reminding us over and over again, she and her husband Will Smith are hot-blooded, horny heterosexuals who are always having hot, p-in-v sex all over the place. It’s a damn shame that fucking in public is against the law, because if it wasn’t, Jada’s other lips would be on Will’s mouth in that picture and her tongue would be giving his dick head a sloppy bath. They always want to be having hot hetero fuck times with each other. The only way Jada can get through breakfast is if she pictures her Cheerios as Will’s puckering b-hole and the only way Will can get through lunch is if he pictures his ham panini as Jada’s cooch. That’s how much they love having sex with each other. But Jada doesn’t only get the loin seizures from Will sexing on her. She also gets it while watching him have fake movie sex with other chicks. And the door to those “open marriage/swingers” rumors just opened up again.
At the Los Angeles premiere of Focus a few days ago, Tracey Edmonds from Extra asked Will and Jada what it’s like watching each other get naked and faux bone others on camera. Will said that everyone in Jada’s movie, Magic Mike XXL, is naked and he knows, because he watched it at least 40 times and many of those 40 times he watched by himself and uninterrupted, so he knows what he’s talking about. Of course, Jada said that she’s a freak, so she loves watching Will get it on with other women. When asked if she minds, she said, “Nooo, you know after 20 years, I actually… It’s kind of a nice voyeuristic kind of way to see your man, but I am kind of weird that way. But that’s a whole other conversation.”
And that freaky ass Jada went on to say, “Yes, that’s a story for another day, Tracey, and let’s make that another day this Saturday night. I’m having a little slumber party slash clam bake. Just bring yourself!”
Taco Bell’s Cap’n Crunch Delights!
Because somebody’s gotta keep the diabetes medication companies in business, Taco Bell is testing the perfect breakfast of champions for the stoner on the go! They have barfed up pink donut holes covered with Cap’n Crunch Berries cereal and filled with some kind of gooey milk icing (aka condensed milk, basically). Taco Bell let FoodBeast try them out, but FoodBeast didn’t really say anything about the taste. But you know, even if FoodBeast said they tasted like sweetened dried dog shit, I’d probably still put one in my mouth because SUGAR.
For now, Taco Bell is only selling these oozing diabetes balls in Bakersfield, CA. Having been to Bakersfield many, many times, I can say that this is the most exciting thing to ever happen to Bakersfield since Tara the Hero cat threw out the first pitch at some baseball game.
Those things look like the sweetened cum-filled rainbow nutsacks of a Lisa Frank unicorn. If rainbows could grow cysts filled with sugary pus, that’s what that mess would look like. It’s like a Care Bear’s goiter. And based on those descriptions, yes, yes I would. It has milk, wheat AND fruit. It’s a well-balanced breakfast in one bite!
Bernadette Peters (67)
Olivia Palermo (29)
Fefe Dobson (30)
Karolina Kurkova (31)
Natalia Vodianova (33)
Jason Aldean (38)
Ali Larter (39)
Rory Cochrane (43)
Tasha Smith (44)
Tangi Miller (45)
Patrick Monahan (46)
Robert Sean Leonard (46)
Rae Dawn Chong (54)
John Turturro (58)
Cindy Wilson (58)
Gilbert Gottfried (60)
Mercedes Ruehl (67)
Mike Figgis (67)
Stephanie Beacham (68)
Kelly Bishop (71)
Mario Andretti (75)
Tommy Tune (76)
Gavin MacLeod (84)
NOT THE BEES: The Beyhive covered Kid Rock’s Instagram with bumblebee emojis for saying that their god Beyonce is considered the Queen of Music but doesn’t have classic hits like “Purple Rain” or “Sweet Home Alabama.” Let’s see a war between a syphilis rash and a bunch of crazed stans who should be doing their 7th grade homework. Point me to the section marked Team No One – Defamer
Future multiple Razzie winner Blake NotSoLively signs on to another movie that sounds like a cold turd – Lainey Gossip
JLo SANS Photoshop – Drunken Stepfather
Margot Robbie is a regular Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas – Celebitchy
John Stamos and Dave Coulier were the original Pussy Posse – The Superficial
Well, the good thing about Kim Kartrashian’s latex dress is that she can just easily wipe the piss off – Hollywood Tuna
And in news that’ll make you prolapse from shock, Juicy Joe from The Real Housewives of New Jersey is a shit dad and drunk – Reality Tea
Here’s the cut song sung by Meryl Streep from Into the Woods. And I’m slightly surprised that as soon as the director made the decision to cut one of Meryl’s songs, a lightning bolt from heaven didn’t strike him dead – Towleroad
I don’t know if I’d call Emmy Rossum’s stretch a sexy stretch. It looks more like she’s sneezing and farting at the same time. I guess it’s sexy if your sick ass is into that sort of thing – Popoholic
Sam Rockwell’s sweet moves take me higher, but his dancing is not “Christopher Walken in a Fatboy Slim video” levels of greatness – Pajiba
The hell kind of stuff is this dog on? – The Berry
Halle Berry on how the roles didn’t magically fall into her lap after winning the Oscar – HuffPo
Jenny McCarthy, will you stop drunk emailing Amanda Peet! – ICYDK
Jennifer Lawrence defends David O. Russell, sounds like a memaw while doing so, I mean, “malarkey“? – Popsugar
Katy Perry should write a diss track for the Left Shark for stealing the Halftime Show from her ass – HuffPo
Rosie O’Donnell files paper to legally quit her wife - Just Jared
Pic: Acid Cow
The Case of the Snatched Pearl Dress is possibly closed and surprisingly, it didn’t take Jessica Fletcher to solve that shit. On Tuesday, the dress that looks like a bunch of oysters jacked up all over it was stolen from Lupita Nyong’o's hotel room at The London in West Hollywood. The cops valued the Calvin Klein Collection dress at $150,000 and pearl experts said it could be worth up to $10 million. Well, the thieves returned the dress, because they say it’s made of fakery.
TMZ says that the pearl robbers called them this afternoon to bitch and moan about how the dress is about as valuable as a rat’s cum load. The thieves claim that they got into Lupita’s room, because somebody left the door slightly open. Once they stole the dress, they took two pearls from it to the garment district in Downtown L.A. to see if they could sell them. They were told the pearls weren’t real. So the thieves put the dress in a trash bag, went back to The London and left it in a bathroom near the gym. TMZ called the cops who later found the dress exactly where the thieves said they left it. Here’s a picture of it:
The thieves said that they called TMZ because they want the world to know about “Hollywood’s fake bullshit.” Thank you, thieves, for this brand new information. You truly have enlightened us. You are heroes. Not only do you have your PhDs in thievery, but you also have your doctorates in wisdom.
These thieves sound like they have brains made of fake pearls, but I’m assuming they’re not dumb enough to take those pearls to a fabric store in the garment district. I’m assuming they took them to a jeweler. I mean, taking pearls to a fabric store to be appraised is like asking me to point out a woman’s G-spot.
As far as my ass knows, there’s 3 possibilities:
1. That dress isn’t made with real pearls.
2. That dress is made of some real pearls and those dumb thieves happened to get 2 fake pearls from the dress appraised.
3. That dress is really covered in 6,000 real pearls and those thieves got a wrong appraisal.
Whatever the case may be, it sounds like those stupid ass thieves got theirs. Well, at least we know that Lindsay Lohan wasn’t involved, because she would never make an amateur mistake like this. Even if she did find out that dress wasn’t made of real pearls, she’d make the most of it. She’d that dress apart and make 500 Lindsay Lohan brand anal beads out of it.
UPDATE: The people at Calvin Klein are apparently playing the “We never said that shit was real” card. Sources tell TMZ that it was Lupita’s stylist who told the cops the dress was worth $150,000 and Calvin Klein’s team never said anything about the dress being made of real pearls. They never said the pearls were fake, because they figured everyone would assume they were fake since this isn’t Ancient Egypt times where hos were covered in real jewels.