Archives: February 2015

Naomi The Terrible Is Up To Her Old Tricks Again

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It feels like it’s been centuries since two-time welterweight BlackBerry boxer grand champion Naomi Campbell has injected fear into the streets by whoopin’ tricks left and right. Naomi hasn’t curbed her cuntiness (THANK GOD), but I thought that maybe she retired her slapping hands and was done with leaving her mark (aka her palm print) on people’s faces. Well, I thought wrong, because Naomi the Terrible was back to terrorizing hos in Cuba yesterday.

A cameraman from NBC News made the mistake of following Naomi as she left her hotel in Havana. Naomi told him to get out of her face. Now, when Naomi Campbell tells you to get out of her face, you either listen or you call your mother to tell her you love her, put on a helmet and hope for the best while clutching a rosary. The cameraman kept filming and so Naomi came for his ass. I don’t know what that NBC cameraman was thinking. Maybe he was thinking he could sue her ass? I don’t know. But if Naomi came running toward me, I’d drop my camera and run to the nearest church. Naomi pounced on his ass and bitch slapped his camera around.

The cameraman wasn’t injured and he was lucky he got away ALIVE. Naomi later called NBC News (which is owned by NBCUniversal, which owns Oxygen, the network The Face airs on) to apologize and said it was all just one, big misunderstanding!

“I am sorry for what happened. It was all a big misunderstanding. Please forgive me,” Campbell said in a telephone interview on Thursday afternoon.

What Naomi means by “misunderstanding” is that she didn’t want a camera filming her face for free and the cameraman didn’t understand that, so she had to explain it to him in a language he may understand. The language being her favorite language: Slapanese. That’s what she meant.

And here’s Naomi leaving some restaurant with Kate Moss in London the other day.

Pics: Splash

Kelly Osbourne Is Done With Fashion Police

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

My vote for Kelly’s replacement is Giggy Vanderpump! But Kathy, Giuliana and Brad would never agree to that, because Giggy would take all the attention away from their asses, obviously.

After all the smoke and fuckery cleared from that Zendaya mess, I kind of thought if anybody was going to make their way out of the Fashion Police exit door, it would be Ghouliana Rancid. But TMZ says that Kelly Osbourne has made good on her threat to quit the show.

After Zendaya slapped at Giuliana for joking about how her dreads must smell like patchouli and weed, Kelly Osbourne squeezed herself right into the middle by going on an ALL-CAPS rant on Twitter where she threatened to quit Fashion Police over what was said. When Giuliana released another apology, Kelly calmed down on the CAPS and tweeted this: “It takes a strong women to apologize & makes a forgiving women even stronger!” But TMZ says that even though Giuliana apologized and Zendaya accepted her apology, Kelly bolted anyway.

Apparently, the producers started having problems with Kelly as soon as the first episode without Joan Rivers taped. Kelly didn’t like the way the show was being produced and the producers were over her. Kelly quit today. E! queefed up this statement of words about Kelly’s exit:

“Kelly Osbourne is departing E!s Fashion Police to pursue other opportunities, and we would like to thank her for her many contributions to the series over the past five years, during which time the show became a hit with viewers. Fashion Police will return, as scheduled, on Friday, March 30th at 9:00 p.m. and no decisions have been made on her replacement.”

Other opportunities.” Oh shit, she’s totally going to replace Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. Or maybe she’s replacing Brian Williams.

E! is really pulling our dicks with that “no decisions have been made on her replacement” shit. We all know who Kelly’s replacement is going to be. E! better up Fashion Police’s budget, because they’re going to need a few animal trainers on set since Khloe Kardashian is obviously going to replace Kelly. E! should just fire everyone on Fashion Police, change the name to Kardashian Police and have that show be nothing but Kim, Khloe and Kourtney jacking off to their red carpet photos of the week. That’s what Fashion Police is eventually going to become.

And Giuliana better hide… Because if Ozzy Osbourne comes to the set to defend his daughter, who knows what he’ll do when he sees Giuliana’s bird-looking ass. We all know what Ozzy did to that dove…

Open Post: Hosted By Eddie Redmayne As Transgender Artist Lili Elbe

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know if he looks like Kelly Reilly, Jessica Chastain’s younger bird-like sister or Bryce Dallas Howard after a 75 day juice cleanse? Or all of the above? Let’s just say that he looks like every ginger Hollywood actress and call it a day.

Working Title tweeted this picture of brand new Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne as Lili Elbe in The Danish Girl. Lili Elbe (who kind of gives me Lady Gaga vibes) was one of the first people to get sex reassignment surgery in the 1930s. Here’s a plot summary from IMDB:

Inspired by the true story of Danish artists Einar Wegener and his wife Gerda, this tender portrait of a marriage asks: What do you do when someone you love wants to change? It starts with a question, a simple favor asked of a husband by his wife on an afternoon chilled by the Baltic wind while both are painting in their studio. Her portrait model has canceled, and would he mind slipping into a pair of women’s shoes and stockings for a few moments so she can finish the painting on time. “Of course,” he answers. “Anything at all.” With that, one of the most passionate and unusual love stories of the twentieth century begins.

It’s currently shooting and its director is Tom Hooper who directed The King’s Speech and directed Eddie in Les Miserables. It also stars Alicia Vikander as Gerda as well as Amber Heard and Ben Wishaw. IMDB says The Danish Girl is coming out in 2016, but it’ll most likely come out later this year just in time for the OSCUHs!

Tom Hooper directing a movie about a transgender artist played by Eddie Redmayne… We all know where this is going. Tom Hooper + a period piece + a biopic + Eddie Redmayne as a transgender pioneer = Let’s not even bother with a 45-hour-long Oscar ceremony next year, because it’s obvious that this movie and Eddie Redmayne are going to get all the awards. Nobody else should even bother. Just polish off a few trophies with Leonardo DiCaprio’s tears, hand them over to Tom and Eddie, and let’s keep it moving. See you at the 2017 Oscars!

Here’s Eddie and his Hannah Bagshawe at Heathrow a few days ago.

Pics: Splash, @Working_Title

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There Will Be A Blade Runner Sequel Starring Harrison Ford

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Nearly 33 years – THIRTY-THREE YEARS, by the way – after the release of one of the sexiest sci-fi movies every made (just me? Okay then), Variety is confirming that a sequel to Blade Runner is happening and it will star sexy salt and pepper pep-pep Harrison Ford. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you finish screaming “Hollywood has OFFICIALLY run out of ideas.

Ridley Scott won’t be back to direct Blade Runner 2: Electric Replicant Boogaloo, so he’ll be replaced with French-Canadian director Denis Villeneuve. The script has been written by one of the original screenwriters, and Harrison Ford claims it’s “the best thing (he’s) ever read.” Sure, Jan; that’s what everybody says when there’s a giant dump truck full of cash backing into their driveway. NO! I’m sure it will be as good as the original. Plus, bringing back Harrison Ford back will finally answer the question of whether or not Deckard was a human or a replicant, because I don’t remember any scenes from Blade Runner featuring any old-looking replicants complaining about their hip joints or high cholesterol.

Normally a sequel getting the green light 33 years after the original would be the definition of a disaster, but this movie is going to be great for two reasons:

1. If Harrison Ford agreed to do a late-in-life version of Indiana Jones, a late-in-life version of Han Solo, and now a late-in-life version of Rick Deckard, then that means there’s a very good chance he might also agree to do a late-in-life version of Jack Trainer in a sequel to Working Girl. Somebody PLEASE get working on that.

2. THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SEAN YOUNG! Sean Young better be in the Blade Runner sequel. After all, Harrison Ford said the script was the best thing he’s ever read, and he definitely wouldn’t have said that if it didn’t include a hue part for that A-list ball of crackpot crazy.

ScarJo Doesn’t Think There’s Anything Creepy Or Inappropriate About John Travolta

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

ScarJo is spitting at the media for taking a sweet moment at the Oscars and turning it into some creepified shit straight from the mind of Rod Serling. On Oscar night, John Travolta’s hands were hungry for some lady and when he wasn’t grabbing and kissing on ScarJo, he was giving Idina Menzel a palm facial. Travolta’s rep already said that the weird face massage was “rehearsed,” and now ScarJo is coming to his defense nearly a week later. I know, I shouldn’t give ScarJo shit for waiting almost 5 days to say something. She was probably busy rinsing her head out with an Ajax and bleach solution to rid herself of the memory of John Travolta groping her like she was a giant E-meter can.

ScarJo fave this statement to the Associated Press:

“There is nothing strange, creepy or inappropriate about John Travolta. The image that is circulating is an unfortunate still-frame from a live-action encounter that was very sweet and totally welcome. That still photo does not reflect what preceded and followed if you see the moment live. Yet another way we are misguided, misinformed and sensationalized by the 24-hour news cycle. I haven’t seen John in some years and it is always a pleasure to be greeted by him.”

If I could box up agurl, please” provided by Aunt Bunny and send it to ScarJo, I would. ScarJo has let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times, she’s been out in public with Sean Penn and to remind you again, she let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times. Her judgement of character can’t be trusted. If she says someone isn’t strange, creepy or inappropriate, they probably are strange, creepy and inappropriate.

But ScarJo does have a point. Her close encounter with the wigged kind isn’t as creepy in the video:

See, not as creepy. John Travolta just runs up to ScarJo, presses his lips against her face and tries to suck out her soul through her pores. When he realizes that she’s empty inside, he moves onto his next victim. Not creepy at all! Just a regular old Hollywood greeting.

And here’s ScarJo with her baby and husband, who looks like an extra from Valley Girl, in L.A. yesterday:

Pics: FameFlynet, Getty

Madonna’s Fall At The BRIT Awards Gave Her A Case Of Whiplash

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

When Madonna’s cape pulled an En Vogue and got all “Don’t Let Go” on her neck during her performance of “Living For Love” at the BRIT Awards on Wednesday, I figured the only damage done would be to her inbox. You know, after it blew up with emails from personal injury lawyers inquiring about her recent workplace slip and fall accident. I trusted that Madonna’s creaky granny bones and butt organs would be protected by her rock-hard ass muscles and she’d walk away without a scratch.

As it turns out, I was totally wrong. Madonna might have fallen, and she might have been able to get up, but she suffered some whiplash on the way down. Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s already a meme of Madonna getting slapped by J.K. Simmons as we speak. Madonna explained the aftermath of her Grape Stomping Lady moment to The Jonathan Ross Show on Thursday (via Billboard), saying:

“I had a little bit of whiplash, I smacked the back of my head. And I had a man standing over me with a flashlight until about 3 a.m. to make sure I was compos mentis.”

She also said she’s sworn off capes in the future. Good call – I think if we’ve learned anything from this, it’s that capes ain’t nothing but trouble.

I still can’t believe Madonna got back up and kept singing after hitting her head. Bitch is brave as hell! If I even so much as stub my toe, I’m on the ground wailing for someone to call the paramedics while mentally preparing a funeral for my toe, which will no doubt need to be amputated. Something nice, not too fancy; it’s what my toe would have wanted.

Here’s Madonna one day after Madonna pulled a Scarlet wearing a pair of shoes that look like she’s about 2 seconds away from a repeat performance:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Prince Hot Ginge Is Probably Going To Leave The Army

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The London Evening Standard says at the end of this year, Prince Hot Ginge will turn in his I QUIT THIS BITCH papers into the British Army to focus on doing charity work. Sadly, that means that PHG (or “Captain Hot Ginge” as he’s know in the military) won’t be promoted all the way up to the head of the Knights of the Round Table. They still have that in Britain, right?

Before Captain Hot Ginge takes his final bow as an active member of the army, he’s going to serve with units in Australia for a few weeks. (Side note: When I read that part on The London Evening Standard, I read it as “serve units Down Under” and it nearly made me move to Australia STAT.) A spokeswhore for Kensington Palace wouldn’t confirm that Captain Hot Ginge is retiring from the army and only had this to say:

“Prince Harry is currently focused on his work supporting the Ministry of Defence’s recovery capability programme to ensure those who are wounded, injured or sick have appropriate recovery plans and the necessary support they require. It’s a natural progression from the work he did organising the Invictus Games. This involves working alongside case officers in London District’s personal recovery unit and visiting various recovery centres and partner agencies (such as forces charities and the NHS) around the country.”

Some source says that after doing two tours of duty in Afghanistan, PHG feels like it’s time to move on. He wants to travel to Africa more to do conservation stuff and work with his AIDS charity, and also wants to work more with wounded veterans. A Dlisted source who goes by the name Wishful Thinking exclusively tells me that he also wants to focus on his new charity GISODAG (Gingers In Support Of Desperate Ass Gays), which connects British ginger royals named Harry with hard-up, desperate American skinny fat gay bloggers in need.

But seriously, this is unacceptable and his resignation letter needs to be torn up immediately. If Captain Hot Ginge quits the army, we won’t get as many hot pictures of him in his uniform and we’ll no longer get pictures like this:

phgleavingarmy1

Why is he being so selfish?! Doesn’t he know that what the world needs now is more picture of him kicking a ball while topless in the desert?

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Kelly Clarkson Says She Will Deny Her Daughter One Of Cinema’s Greatest Gifts To Humanity

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

File this under the No. 1 reason people probably don’t want to work with Kelly Clarkson: during an interview with TIME about her new album Piece by Piece, Kelly was asked at what age she would introduce her daughter River Rose to the cinematic masterpiece that is the 2003 film From Justin to Kelly. Kelly’s response SHOULD have been “As soon as possible” or “Duh, I had my OB-GYN throw an iPad up my cooch while I was pregnant so she could watch that shit in-utero”. But Kelly Clarkson clearly has no appreciation for good taste and/or cargo shorts, because her answer was this:

TIME: At what age will you sit River Rose down and tell her about From Justin to Kelly?
Kelly Clarkson: Never! We don’t have to show her that!

TIME: You’re going to pretend it doesn’t exist?
Kelly Clarkson: That’s what I do. So why not?

TIME: It could be a cult movie classic, you just have to give it a few more years.
Kelly Clarkson: Oh my God, I hope not. I just want it to go away. I want to own all of it. I just want it to not be here.

NOOOOOOOOO KELLY CLARKSON - take it back take it back TAKE IT BACK! From Justin to Kelly is one of the finest pieces of so-bad-its-good fuckery to ever grace humanity’s eyeballs. Your baby should know about From Justin to Kelly, Kelly. Your baby should know as soon as her eyes start recognizing shapes and colors. Although even then, she’ll still probably be looking at Justin Guarini’s hair and thinking “WTF am I even looking at?

Leonard Nimoy Has Died

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

My eyebrows just frowned and I don’t think they’ll ever be the same again. The New York Times reports that Leonard Nimoy has been beamed up to heaven. Leonard’s wife, Susan Bey Nimoy, says that he died at his home in Bel Air this morning from end-stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. The original Spock tweeted last year that he had COPD and got it from years and years of smoking. He quit smoking almost 30 years ago, but it wasn’t soon enough. He was 83.

Leonard was hospitalized for a little bit at UCLA Medical Center last week after complaining about chest pains. He was released and sent home.

Before Leonard became a pop culture icon as Spock on Star Trek, he acted in dozens of B-movies and guest starred in at least a million TV shows (I’m underestimating, probably) including Dragnet, Get Smart, The Twilight Zone and Perry Mason. Wikipedia says that after 10 years in the acting game, Leonard got the role of Spock in Star Trek. Leonard had to decide between taking Spock or a role in Peyton Place. He obviously chose right, because it made him a star and he was nominated for three Emmy awards. After the Star Trek TV show ended after 3 years (It was only on for 3 years?!), he replaced Martin Landau in Mission: Impossible and stayed with the show for 2 seasons.

When he wasn’t playing Spock in most of the Star Trek movies, he continued to act in TV shows, movies and theater productions. In 2010, Leonard said that he was hanging up his Spock ears for good and said it was time for Zachary Quinto to take over the character, but he continued to play Spock and played Spock Prime in 2013′s Star Trek Into Darkness.

Leonard is survived by his wife Susan Bey Nimoy, their two children, a stepson, a brother, six grandchildren, one great grandchild and of course, his best frenemy forever William Shatner.

Rest in peace, Leonard Nimoy. You lived long and you prospered. You are now in heaven where you’ll never have to perform The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins again (even though the angels are going to demand it because it’s gold).

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David O. Russell Got Into A Dramatic On-Set Screaming Match With His Boo Jennifer Lawrence

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Why do I get the feeling that Lily Tomlin read that headline and started screaming “Don’t hold back, Katniss! Whoop that trick, word-style!

According to TMZ, things got all Hunger Games between noted asshole/director David O. Russell and America’s Girlfriend/actress Jennifer Lawrence on the set of the movie Joy on Tuesday. A source on the set says they saw an argument start between David and Jennifer over a scene that progressed into a dramatic cuss-filled screaming match. Surprise surprise, David O. Russell was doing most of the screaming and swearing (I head the O in his name stands for “Oh f#@$% c*!$#“).

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