Johnny Depp And Amber Heard’s Pre-Divorce Ceremony May Happen Next Week

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Page Six says that Amber Heard will become the future ex-Mrs. Johnny Depp next weekend when she marries the serial fiancé and Fighting The Hot Grand Champion on his private island in the Bahamas. Can somebody please ask Rachel Zoe how far her kind can fly, because I need to know whether or not I should assume that the Chupacabra is going to get revenge on Johnny Depp while he’s standing at the altar.

A source tells Page Six that 50 guests, including his kids, will watch act 2 of Johnny’s mid-life crisis at his home on Little Hall’s Pond Cay, the private island he bought for $3.6 million after shooting Pirates of the Caribbean in the Bahamas in 2004. Break out the booze and the bad shit. That wedding’s theme is probably going to be Pirates of the CaribbeanHIGH.

The source says that Amber and Johnny chose the weekend of February 7th and 8th, because he’s getting ready to shoot the 10 millionth Pirates of the Caribbean movie in Australia and it was the only free time in their schedules. There’s nowhere on the island for all of Johnny and Amber’s guests to sleep (what kind of cheap ass private island…), so they have to pass out on his yacht named Vajoliroja. You might think that Vajoliroja is Latin for red, swollen vagina, but it’s a made up word. Johnny’s yacht is named after Vanessa Paradis (Va), himself (Jo), his daughter Lily Rose (LiRo) and his son Jack (Ja).

The source (Hi, Amber’s publicist!) also said that Amber’s dress was made by Stella McCartney. The source also said (no, they didn’t) that Amber’s something blue will be her facial expression and her something new will be the 8-ball dangling from her garter belt. Johnny Depp will wear every necklace from a Caribbean gift shop, the entire scarf department of a Lord & Taylor and his usual miserable facial expression of, “Fuck my life.”

And now is the perfect time to remember Johnny’s first wedding to Lori Anne Allison in 1983.

lori-anne-allison--z

Those razor sharp brows and that Colonel Sanders tie… Now THAT is groom elegance at its finest.

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