Kanye West Is All Grown Up Now

January 29, 2015 / Posted by:

It must be Asshole Redemption Week on Ellen. You’re up next, Charlie Sheen.

Kanye West was on Ellen today to do two things: Show his video for “Only One” and suck on Adidas’ ass lips skin while talking about his deal with them. Between doing that, Kanye talked about his past asshole-ish behavior and he also changed the world by actually smiling! I bet the people in every old castle painting on the planet are smiling too. Kanye told Ellen that one thing he’s learned while being married is how to shut up. Being around a Kardashian will do that to you. They are always talking and nearly everything they say makes you want to barf, so you have to keep your lips firmly shut or you’ll vomit all the time.

When Ellen told Kanye that he seemed a little calmer and not as rage-ey, he didn’t say, “Well, my boo Riccardo just texted me a heart emoji.” Kanye explained why he doesn’t seem as mad as he used to be.

Kanye talked about that time when he was snatching mics from Taylor Swift and taking me higher by breaking MacBook Airs with ALL-CAPS rants of pure poetry. Kanye called that time his “terrible twos” and says that he’s grown out of it. via Gawker (they have a clip of this too)

“I think I was going through a version of my terrible twos. My daughter wants to express herself and she doesn’t have the words for it. For me, there’s so many things I want to do—with film, with clothing—and I just didn’t have the words, or the resources, or the backing, or the perception being that I could do it because I was a rapper—all these things. The definition of crazy is trying to do the same thing and expecting a different result. I tried something different over the past couple of years, and I actually got some really good results from it too.”

Kanye went on to jack off Adidas by saying that they have given him room and oxygen to be the creative artiste that he is. Part of why he was so angry was from companies not giving him creative freedom and now Adidas is letting Kanye do Kanye. (Side note: Kanye just jizzed up everything in his balls from picturing Kanye doing Kanye.)

Kanye has seemed a little calmer and I figured that living in a fame whore asylum for so long scared him sane. But it’s good that Kanye is out of his twos and I guess that means he’ll soon stop pissing in bed and will totally learn how to use the toilet all by himself like a little man. Kanye better start looking for a divorce attorney, because as soon as he stops going pee pee times in bed, Kim is totally going to leave him.

Here’s the video for Kanye’s auto-tuned lullaby.

That confused look on North West’s face when Kanye is holding her… If they ever remake The Color Purple, North West needs to play Squeak. She has redefined and taken the “Harpo, who dis woman?” look to brand new levels.

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