I know, Goopy Paltrow really should’ve steamed her Apple Maker™ before putting on that crooked labia jumpsuit, because her camel toe looks all wrinkly and disheveled. I mean, if you’re going to anoint your vagina the face of vagina cleaning, then your coochie should always look freshly pressed.
In the near future, you can expect to turn on the TV and see a commercial for Stanley Steemer’s all-new service: vagina steaming! For just the low price of $49.99, a Stanley Steemer (more like Stanley SteamHER) technician will come to your home and steam the toxins right out of your pussy. Call 1-800-STEEEEEEEEEEMER, Stanley Steemer gets your cooch cleaner! You can thank Goopy for that.
Vagina steaming is nothing new. It’s been around for centuries and has been offered in fancy spas here in the US for at least a couple of years. Some say that it helps with menstrual cramps. But Goopy’s poon has discovered it and now she’s really trying to make it happen. A Korean holistic spa in Santa Monica called Tikkun offers up a service where you sit on a fancy toilet and infared and “mugworth steam” rises up into your poon and supposedly cleanses your uterus. It’s the closest thing you’ll get to knowing what it feels like to get bareback fucked by an overheated ghost. The service is called the Mugworth V-Steam, which sounds like a Harry Potter character played by Tilda Swinton.
When Goopy isn’t getting the toxins out of her system by filling her b-hole with the amniotic fluid of a gray whale, she’s balancing her hormone levels by filling her chocha with steam infused with herbs. I know, no wonder her head is full of hot hair. Goopy recently wrote this on Goop:
Tikkun is the next level when it comes to Korean spas, combining high-tech far infrared heat with traditional Korean sauna therapies. So, if you want to lay down in a Himalayan salt brick tiled sauna, or sit in a Hwangto clay room, you get the added benefit of far infrared heat. And, in addition to the sauna rooms, there’s a long menu of massages and kick-ass body scrubs to complement the sauna time. We’re burying the lede though, because the real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam: You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.
Cut to every snob in L.A. saying, “Pussy steaming is so 2012. It’s all about cunt candling.”
Getting your precious oyster steamed will cost you ONLY $50, or $200 for 5 sessions. Or you can save that money and squat over a pot full of Lipton tea bags boiling on your stovetop. Tikkun also offers a b-hole steam for men, but that’s for amateurs. I’m way past anus steaming. When I want my ass lips to look pressed and presentable for a formal event, I slap them on an ironing board and iron them Tracy Turnblad-style.
When Goopy’s post went viral, Dr. Jen Gunter, a board certified OB/GYN, wrote a long post on her site saying that herbal steam is probably not good for your cooch. Here’s a piece of what she wrote:
Steam is probably not good for your vagina. Herbal steam is no better and quite possibly worse. It is most definitely more expensive.
Steam isn’t going to get into your uterus from your vagina unless you are using an attachment with some kind of pressure and MOST DEFINITELY NEVER EVER DO THAT.
Mugwort or wormwood or whatever when steamed, either vaginally or on the vulva, can’t possibly balance any reproductive hormones, regulate your menstrual cycle, treat depression, or cure infertility. Even steamed estrogen couldn’t do that.
A different OB/GYN tells People that he doesn’t think it’s totally crazy to steam your snatch, but doesn’t think it’ll clean your uterus. He said, “Depending on how the steam is applied, the benefits could be similar to a regular steam room.”
I swear, Goopy will do anything if you tell her it’ll clean her organs and get the toxins out of her body. We should all get together and find a way to tell Goopy about an ultra exclusive spa in the San Gabriel Valley (aka my mom’s backyard) where they do an ultra exclusive and rare procedure that gets all of the toxins out of your body. It’s called TappaAqua Slappé. A highly trained technician (aka me) sprays a temperature-colored, mineral-infused serum (aka cold tap water) at the client’s face from a NASA-made device (aka a garden hose) while another highly trained technician (aka you) performs a special facial massage on the client (aka slaps them back and forth while wearing rubber dishwashing gloves). It cleanses all of your organs and it only costs $10,000 a session. (You need at least 20 sessions for it to work.) It’s how we’ll make our millions!