All together now: DUUUUUUUUUUUH.
In the back of my kitchen cupboard is an unopened jar of Orville Redenbacher kernels that I’ve been saving for the day that HBO’s documentary about Scientology comes out, because that shit is supposed to be the sole reason for why popcorn was invented. Documentary filmmaker Alex Gibney produced and directed Going Clear, which is based on Lawrence Wright’s book about the Church of E.T. Going Clear isn’t scheduled to show on HBO until March, but it screened at Sundance over the weekend and it supposedly made the jaws of critics (who haven’t read the book) hit the floor.
Going Clear covers the history of Scientology and exposes some of the crazy shit they’ve allegedly pulled. It also covers some of Scientology’s most famous disciples including Tom Cruise and John Travolta. The Daily Beast says that the documentary claims that John Travolta is pretty much wrapped around Scientology’s alien finger, because they have so much shit on him and if he so much as thinks of twirling out the door, they will expose his secrets. The documentary also spends some time covering the demise of Tommy and Nicole Kidman’s marriage at the hand of that shady bitch David Miscavige.
Marty Rathbun, one of the most outspoken ex-Scientologists, says in the documentary that the Queen Bee of Scientology, David Miscavige, immediately threw a side-eye at Nicole from the beginning, because her father was a famous psychologist in Australia and we all know what those crazy Scientologists think of psychology. David labeled her a PTS (Potential Trouble Source). Nicole somehow managed to pull Tommy away from Scientology and he kept his distance from those crazies from 1992 to 2001. While filming Eyes Wide Shut, he didn’t even return any of David Miscavige’s calls. That’s when David told Marty that his job was to break Nicole and Tommy up. Well, luckily for Nicole, David just wanted to break her marriage up and not send her off to an underground dungeon in the desert to be Shelly Miscavige’s cellmate.
David allegedly had Nicole’s phones tapped after Tommy half-joked about wanting to listen to her calls. Scientology also started auditing Tommy night and day to get secrets and more personal information from him. That info was sent to David who used it against Tommy. Mary claims that David “blasted” Tommy for his “perverted sexual fetishes.” Tommy and Nicole’s kids, Isabella and Connor, were “re-educated” and Scientology turned them against their mother.
Once Nicole and Tommy divorced, he ran back into the arms of David Miscavige and got in really deep with Scientology.
None of this exactly brand new information, but I am wondering what Tommy’s perverted fetishes are. If one of his fetishes is that he likes to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians while sober, then he just needs to keep that secret buried because it would destroy and embarrass him if it came out. But seriously, we always hear about how some Scientologists are afraid to leave because they don’t want their secrets getting out. But there aren’t a lot of secrets that are weirder and more embarrassing than being a Scientologist. If Tommy finally pulled his head out of the butt of L. Ron Hubbard’s ghost and left Scientology, and they leaked a story to the press about how he’s a scat queen who likes to roll around in caca as a goat pisses on his head and a dude in a clown suit double fists him, we’d read that and say, “Eh, still not weirder than being a Scientologist.”