Charlize Theron’s Son Jackson Might Be Known As Jackson Penn Soon

I’m not sure what’s going on with Sean Penn’s face in this picture, but I will say it reminds me of the time I fell asleep on a sandwich. Make of that what you will. The last time we checked in with human-sized piece of clogged shower drain hair Sean Penn, he had maybe slipped an engagement ring on Charlize Theron’s mistake makin’ finger. And now, according to UsWeekly, he’s also slipped some adoption papers into her hand, because he wants to be her son Jackson’s legal daddy. That mistake makin’ hand sure is busy. A source says:

“Sean always knew that to truly earn a place in Charlize’s heart, connecting with Jackson was one of the most important parts.”

And Jackson might not be the only kid cringing at the thought of having to call a ragey piece of Jack Links jerky “Pep-Pep”; according to the source, Charlize and Sean are also thinking about adopting a baby. Literally every womb-dwelling baby in the greater Los Angeles area just got really nervous. Sean already has two children (Dylan, 23, and Hopper, 21) from the time he was married to Robin Wright. But unlike Sean’s biological children, Jackson and New Baby will never have to worry about inheriting their father’s regurgitated prune face.

The only silver lining to getting adopted by Sean Penn that I can think of is that he’s already 54, which means that by the time Jackson is old enough to know who his dad is, Sean Penn will already be well into his napping-on-the-couch years. At least I hope he will be. Usually by the time you hit 60, your phone-throwing asshole years are behind you.