If at the end of the Miss Universe pageant, all of the losers took off their heels and beat Donald Trump with them, that would be the best part of the entire competition. That doesn’t happen, so the best part of the pageant is the National Costume contest, which went down in Miami last night.
Dozens of beauty queens from around the world risked breaking their necks, cracking their shoulder bones and pulling their back muscles while carrying forty tons of glitter-covered fuckery on their bodies. The National Costume contest is the competition that separates the queens who don’t give a shit and bought their costume at a Party City on Biscayne from the queens who go all out and let their patriotic fuckery flag fly high. Case in point: Miss Canada who gave us Canada’s answer to the legendary low-budget Transformers costume from Miss USA in 2013.
Allison should be proud of her home country today, because they broke the budget by throwing as much props as possible on top of Miss Canada. If Marie Antoinette moved to Canada, fell in love with a hockey-obsessed traveller and married him, this is what she would wear on her wedding day and that wedding would be featured on an episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. She looks like the queen in The Sports Network’s version of Game of Thrones called Game of Hockey Sticks. The only way this costume could’ve been more hockey crazy is if she shot pucks out of her crotch at the judges. Yes, Miss Canada’s spine is probably broken now, but I’m sure she’ll look stunning in her bedazzled body cast when they wheel her onto the stage at the Miss Universe pageant to accept a bouquet of roses for winning Best National Costume.
I put over 30 costumes after the cut. I put them after the cut instead of in a gallery, because you can burn some calories by scrolling. And if you scroll really fast, you’ll know what it feels like to ride through the It’s A Small World ride on a speed boat while high on acid. Hunger Games Tribute realness ahead!
Miss Dominican Republic – Every Catholic abuelita wants to miniaturize Miss DR, put her on top of her TV and pray to her during commercial breaks while watching her stories.
Miss South Africa
Miss Sri Lanka – She looks like the living room floor after we’ve all opened presents on Christmas Day.
Miss St. Lucia
Miss Colombia – I’m pretty sure Phoebe Price has worn this entire outfit to The Grove.
Miss Czech Republic – She looks like a dining room after a flock of birds crashed through the windows and hit the round table hard before dying.
Miss El Salvador!
Miss Great Britain who is one of my favorites, because she looks like a Buckingham Palace stripper.
Miss Trinidad and Tobago
Miss Italy who is ALWAYS ren faire ready.
Miss Israel – I’m guessing that they didn’t even try or someone sabotaged her costume and she had no choice but to wear a dress she bought at Marshalls.
Miss Lebanon who also didn’t even try it and said fuck it by wearing a caftan she stole from a 60-something Palm Beach gay socialite.
Miss Puerto Rico
Miss USA who looks like an exploding tub of Cool Whip and really should’ve just worn that Transformers costume.
And finally, Miss Venezuela!