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January 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Snacktime Cabbage Patch Kid, the demon doll from Hell that scalped children and ate fingers in the 90s!

Since I grew up in the era of pure fuckery known as the 80s, I had one or two Cabbage Patch Kid dolls and there was a part of me that never trusted those little bitches. Those glazed, crackhead eyes… That manufactured fake smile that was obviously hiding a diabolical kind of evil… Well, they showed their true, evil colors in 1996 when they tried to eat children alive! In 1996, Mattel unleashed a line of dolls that ate weird-looking plastic food that kids put in their plastic mouths. That dark-sided devil doll would use its jaws of death to “chew” on the food and seconds later the food would drop into the doll’s colostomy bag backpack.

The Snacktime Kid Cabbage Patch doll became one of the it toys of the 1996 holiday season and Mattel sold nearly 500,000 of them in just a few months. It didn’t take long for the public to realize that the Snacktime Kid Cabbage Patch doll should have been called the Death Time Kid Cabbage Patch doll. Shortly after Christmas, reports started coming in about stupid ass children getting their fingers and hair caught in the steel mouth of that child-eating monster. One mother in South Carolina had to call  911 when Snacktime Kid pretty much scalped her daughter:

“When I picked Carly up, the doll was attached to the back of her head. It kept rolling her hair inside the head. It pulled her hair from the root. She is completely bald all the way down the back of her head.”a

Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors really didn’t have shit on Snacktime Kid. No kids were seriously injured, but Mattel still pulled Chucky’s cousin off of the shelves and recalled the doll completely. Below is the commercial and they must have cut out the scene where the girl screams as blood shoots out of her finger stump after Death Time Kid tried to eat her hand:

As with most toys that end up in the Bitch Got Banned bin, Snacktime Kid has become a collector’s item and it gets top dollar on eBay. Play Along, who owns the Cabbage Patch Kids now, should really re-release Snacktime Kid, but they shouldn’t market it as a children’s toy. They should market it as the perfect gift for you to give your enemies. I mean, Death Time Kid will snatch the wigs off of your rivals so you don’t have to.

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