Crispy Ronaldo And Irina Shayk Are Over

January 17, 2015 / Posted by:

I guess Crispy just had to Shayk it off. Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to grab the gong. I’ll see myself out.

After five years together, the football-playing overcooked piece of bacon known as Cristiano Ronaldo and Russian bikini model Irina Shayk are no longer getting his and hers crotch waxes together and are no longer spending their Friday nights plucking out each other’s stray brow hairs. Every pair of tweezers in the world is shedding a tear, because the phrase, “A couple that plucks together, stays together,” is no longer true.

There’s been rumors that Crispy’s family hates Irina as much as he hates hair on his body. Apparently, Crispy’s mom Dolores can’t stand Irina and recently Irina learned that you don’t fuck with the mother of a Portuguese mama’s boy, because she will always win out. The Daily Mail says that Crispy dumped Irina for not going to his mom’s birthday party. Some source spit this out:

“Cristiano wanted to surprise his mum and as he spent Christmas with Irina in Dubai, he had planned to be with his mum on her birthday, but Irina didn’t want to go. They had such a big row that he ended up spending New Years Eve alone with his son. Irina mouthed off about Dolores and Ronaldo took sides with him mum. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back because they had hadn’t been getting on well in the last few months.”

But Irina’s rep tells Page Six it’s not true. Sure, if you’re in Portugal, you can hear Dolores screaming with happiness, but Irina’s rep says she was never at war with his family.

“We can confirm Irina Shayk has ended her relationship to Cristiano Ronaldo. She has been close with his family throughout the course of their relationship. Any negative rumors with regards to Irina and the Ronaldo family are completely false, and have not been a factor in the cause of the spilt. Irina has no further comment at the time.”

I don’t know if Portuguese mothers are anything like Salvadoran mothers, but if they are, Irina didn’t stand a chance. If my abuelita didn’t like any of the pieces her children were married to or dating, she let it be known and nothing could change her mind. They could start shitting out caramel squares (her favorite) and produce a birth certificate that said they were the true child of God and she’d still hate their asses. But whatever, Crispy is now free to be with and marry his true love: the statue of him in his hometown. I’m sure he’s already wiping his fake tan tears on its bulge.

Pic: Vogue Spain 

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