While Goopy Paltrow was over on Watch What Happens Live trying to convince us all that the most hardcore drug she’s done is ecstasy and not a potent hallucinogenic made of petrified saliva from a red-crowned crane and the 200-year-old pre-cum of a 19th century shaman, her Mortdecunt co-star Johnny Depp was at Jimmy Kimmel Live looking like this. Johnny Depp was his usually Johnny Depp and spit out a story about Marlon Brando. Jimmy really missed an opportunity to say, “Bitch, you love Marlon Brando so much that you’re morphing into last days Brando.”
The LAPD should officially investigate Johnny Depp for first degree murder, because he truly has killed his hotness. He looks like the surprise toilet baby of Vince Neil and KD Lang who is the worst crew member of a traveling renaissance faire and smells like Munster marinating in gutter water and that jar of kitchen grease my abuelita kept under the sink. Normally I’d think that’s the look but not this time.
And the way Amber Heard is trailing behind Johnny’s ass… She looks like the girl he kidnapped, brainwashed and forced to dress like him. In almost every picture, she’s making a look that says, “I swear, the cheesy peens you gotta suck to get ahead in the game…”