Rihanna Recently Made Out With A Bearded Hobo At The Playboy Mansion

January 13, 2015 / Posted by:

That weird wooshing sound you just heard was every human on Earth GASPING in shock after hearing that Leonardo DiCaprio mouth humped on a person who wasn’t a 20-year-old bony panty model type. I bet even as it was happening, Rihanna was like “Welp, this is clearly the first sign of the apocalypse; time to say goodbye to my loved ones.

According to UsWeekly, Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na hooked up, mouth-wise, at a party at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday night while RiRi’s song “Pour It Up” was playing. Fitting, considering that rubbing against Leo’s musty bed bug beard mouth would make anyone want to pour an entire bottle of Listerine into theirs. However, one of Leo’s friends tells TMZ that it never happened. Sure, Lukas Haas, whatever you need to do to calm down all the heartbroken thong models aboard the S. S. Snatch Catcher.

And to double up on the randomness of this whole situation, MediaTakeOut says that Rihanna is knocked up with Leo’s dirtbag sperm. Well, we all know that’s a lie, since it’s common knowledge that Leo’s wiener can’t get hard unless the pussy it’s about to enter smells like Victoria’s Secret vanilla body splash and a 3-catalogue contract.

But maybe they weren’t kissing. I mean, RiRi isn’t exactly Leo’s type; yes, RiRi has been on the cover of VOGUE and she likes to take pictures in her underwear, but Leo is more of a random boat hos kind of guy now. Also, RiRi is 26, which as we all know is waaaaaay too fucking old for Leo. Maybe RiRi was just checking Leo’s beard for stray cigarettes or an extra pair of panties or something. Or maybe she confused his face for a giant dried bud and she was trying to smoke him (that’s got to be it).

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