Dreams Do Come True: There’s Video Of Jamie Lynn Spears Pulling Out A Knife During A Brawl

January 13, 2015 / Posted by:

For the rest of the year, I can’t say shit like, “Why won’t my God Bea Arthur answer my prayers?” Because my God has answered two of my prayers. New York Seltzer is making a comeback and video of Our Lady of Cheetos’ sister bringing a knife to a Pita Pit fight has graced the Internet.

On New Year’s Eve Day, a belated Christmas gift was given to us when TMZ reported that Jamie Lynn Spears broke up a brawl at a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana by waving a long ass bread knife at everyone. The police were told that the brawl broke out after some trick busted a bottle on the head of Jamie Lynn’s friend. TMZ somehow got a hold of (read: traded the video for a stack of cash stuffed in a pita) surveillance camera footage of the wild hillbilly scuffle at the Pita Pit. It was reported that Jamie Lynn dragged her fallen friend behind the counter before threatening to cut whores up, but that’s not what happened. Jamie Lynn dragged her friend out of the fight before walking behind the counter to grab a knife.

The story is a lot more exciting than the actual video. It’s got nothing on the legendary Halloween brawl at the Denny’s in Oakland and it lacks the theater, drama and poetic dialogue that the “Bitch, Your Pancakes Look Fine To Me” fight brought. But I’ll still take it. My favorite part is at the very beginning when the Pita Pit dude notices that a hose beast brawl just broke out, kind of shrugs to himself and calmly walks over to the phone to call the police. There must be a lot of fighting going on at the Pita Pit.

The way Jamie Lynn (Side note: Every time I type the name “Jamie Lynn,” I want to scream it while ringing a dinner bell) casually grabs that knife and waves it at those messy bitches tells me that she’s done this before and does it often. She probably has to pull a steak knife on trick during Spears family dinners when Brit Brit and her other relatives start scrappin’ over the last bit of Velveeta grits and possum casserole.

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