JLo was at the Golden Globes for the same reason why Heidi Klum is at every single goddamn awards show that exists today. The producers have a chichis cleavage quota to fill and they know that JLo and Heidi Klum will help them meet that quota.
JLo presented Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie with Jeremy Renner and during their little intro, he stared down at her bronzed tit globes and made a boob joke, because that’s just what totally heterosexual men do. They stare at tits and make tit jokes. Hawkeye got a little shit for it on Twatter and early this morning he laughed it off by saying it was all in good fun, blah, blah, blah.
Well, that’s one way to try to kill the gay rumors that came back up because your wife of 15 seconds and baby mother screamed FRAUD on the divorce papers. But Hawkeye really should’ve went all the way. He should’ve said, “You got the globes too, which me as a red-blooded totally heterosexual man appreciates and want to heterosexually motorboat in a totally heterosexual way. NASCAR!”
And I know I’m totally alone in this, but JLo’s look was one of my favorite looks of the night. While a lot of women showed up in homely Etsy outfits and dresses that looked like a Little House on the Prairie costume made out of preschool kitchen curtains and old Quaker Factory sweaters, JLo delivered some over-the-top tackiness. JLo looked like a bottom tier JLo drag queen in a no-budget stage show at an off-strip hotel and casino in Las Vegas.
That jacked up hair is what really made the look. When my sister was little, she was in a performance dance troupe ala Dance Moms. For one of their numbers, they all wore a fake hair fall. After performing that number at competitions or wherever, they’d take off their falls and throw them in a pile to be bagged up and thrown in someone’s trunk. That pile of cheap polyester hair falls was all tangled up and full of all kinds of colors. That’s what JLo’s hair looked like last night. Raggedy, busted glamour at its finest!
Here’s some pictures of JLo at the GGs and at an after-party with Ryan Guzman, her co-star in the future Razzies sweeper The Boy Next Door. And since we’re on the subject of chichis, I also threw in pictures of Heidi Klum.