Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Cookie Lyon (as played by Taraji P. Henson) from Empire!

Fox’s new show Empire had me as soon as critics started calling it the “hip hop Dynasty.” I will watch anything that is compared to Dynasty. If a new Kartrashian show terrorized our screens and you told me it was the “Dynasty of reality TV,” I’d report you to the proper authorities for committing illegal acts of defamation and vicious verbal assault, and then I’d secretly watch it in shame to see if you’re right.

So, I watched the pilot last night and managed not to barf every time steaming asshole Terrence Howard was on the screen, which was a lot since he’s the main character. (Side note: Every time Terrence was in a scene with a woman, I hoped that her down low parts didn’t smell Baby Wipes fresh, because that scent feeds his evil!) But I perked up and paid attention every time Cookie Lyon graced the screen. Cookie is the best part. Cookie Lyon is the glamorous, cutthroat, badass goddess we need AND deserve.

Cookie Lyon is the prison bird ex-wife of Baby Wipes’ character named Lucious Lyon. In the pilot, Cookie gets out of the clink after serving 17 years for dealing drugs. The cash that she made from selling drugs was used to start Luscious’ company, which eventually grows into a huge corporation. While she was in the clink, Lucious divorced her ass, got a new piece and took care of their three sons (a gay R&B singer, a brat ass rapper and a sexy businessman). When Cookie gets out, she comes for half of the company that would have never happened if it wasn’t for her selling the bad shit.

Cookie is hot, because she spits out phrases like “goat ass,” dresses like Tanya Turner if Tanya Turner lived in New Jersey during the early 90s and has brows whose arches touch the feet of the angels. Anybody who is planning to get what’s theirs needs to have mega arched brows. Mega arched brows make you look like you’re always plotting your enemy’s demise and loving every second of it.

Cookie also has a little abuelita in her. When her douchebag rapper son calls her a bitch, she takes a broom to his ass. Swift abuelita justice!

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But I’m mostly into Cookie, because she keeps her eye on the prize and is always going on about how she wants half of the company. If I got a baby wipe for every time she said, “I want half of my company back,” the world would be Terrence Howard’s living nightmare, because I’d own all the baby wipes and there’d be none for his wife to wipe her parts with.

There’s nothing like a badass bitch in animal print sashaying into a boardroom during an important business meeting to let everyone know who the real captain is:

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Hopefully Cookie Lyons eventually completes her transformation into the modern day Alexis Carrington by storming into a boardroom with legal papers in hand to say, “Kiss my ring, bitches. You’re looking at the new majority shareholder of this company!”

GIFs: Tumblr, Uproxx

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