Cameron Diaz And Benji Madden Are Apparently Getting Married Tonight

January 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Holy crap, that was fast. After dating for all of 3 seconds and being engaged for 0.05 seconds, UsWeekly says that Cameron Diaz will make the humanoid Tech Deck logo Benji Madden her first husband tonight. Slow down Cammy; it’s not The Amazing Race. Just because you didn’t get tired of him after the first 24-hours doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Or does it? Someone ask relationship expert Steve Harvey.

According to UsWeekly, you better get your ass to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick up a monogrammed toaster or whatever, because Cameron and Benji hosted a rehearsal dinner last night in Beverly Hills, which means they are for real getting married. Not much else in known, like where it’s happening (I’m guessing either on the beach or inside the Hot Topic at the Glendale Galleria), if Benji will wear dirty Chuck Taylors with his tuxedo (he will), or who is invited. But all I really care about is whether or not someone made Cammy a custom wedding cake covered in fondant penises that spells out “Bye girl! We’ll miss you!

But Cammy can’t get married yet – she never even had a bachelorette party! How do I know she didn’t? Trust me, if she had one, there would have been a major spike in cases of male stripper-related exhaustion. And since I haven’t heard of any male strippers with PTSD from hearing that horny bitch Cameron Diaz scream “CAMMY DEMANDS MORE DICKS!“, I will assume it never happened. Or maybe she plans on holding her bachelorette party after the wedding? That would be the smart thing to do.

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