Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Maty Monfort from the short-lived 90s morning talk show Mike and Maty!

While watching the parade that celebrates flower genocide (aka the Rose Parade) yesterday, I asked myself one of the most important questions of 2015: Whatever happened to Maty from Mike and Maty? I don’t know what made me think of Maty, but I’m happy I did, because someone out here needs to.

At first, I hated the Mike and Maty show, because it replaced my beloved The Home Show. The Home Show was a morning decorating and crafts show that ran from 1988 to 1994. I loved it, because it was about crafts and it introduced me to Kitty Bartholomew! I was going to say that my mom probably knew I was 100% gay when I told her how much I loved The Home Show and wanted to quit school so I could watch it, but The Home Show didn’t out me as being gay. It outed me as being a 60-something white Midwestern, toilet paper doll-making, strawberry muffin-loving, crochet club-going grandma named Myrtle trapped in the body of a 10-year-old boy. (So basically, it outed me as being Taylor Swift.) When The Home Show was killed off way before its time, it was replaced by Mike and Maty and I didn’t want to believe at first. I didn’t want to accept them. I regularly screamed, “You are not my father morning show!” at the screen.

But eventually they won me over and I watched it during the summer and whenever I ditched school. I don’t even know why I liked Mike and Maty. It was like a knock-off Regis & Kathie Lee, but slightly more annoying and way too fucking cheerful. If Nermal from Garfield was magically trasnformed into a Cuban-American woman with glamorous hair, she would be Maty. Maty redefined “chirpy.” I was halfway through my Emo phase during Mike and Maty’s run and Maty helped to make me even more Emo. Mike was corny as hell and was like a butcher and skinnier Cam from Modern Family. Mike and Maty never took off and their show was canceled in 1996. It was replaced by a talk show starring The Mommies. You’d think that Maty would’ve sold all her belongings and moved into a cave in the mountains, because nothing will make you hate humanity more than your show getting replaced by The Mommies. But Maty went on! Maty doesn’t have a Wikipedia page (THIS IS AN INJUSTICE!), but she does have an IMDB page and it says that after her talk show got canned, she hosted Smart Solutions on HGTV. She doesn’t have any credits beyond 2003.

So again, I ask, whatever happened to ┬áMaty Monfort?! I can probably find her if I open up my ears and listen for the sound of a woman screaming, “Kelly Ripa stole my career,” over and over again. Here’s a Mike and Maty promo from 1994. Never forget!

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