I figured that Dame Helen Mirren traveled by a gold chariot pulled by two white stallions wearing feather headdresses or by a party bus with a stripper pole, but I was wrong. Dame Helen Mirren takes the subway! An Instagram user posted this picture of Dame Helen Mirren riding with the regulars on the R train on Thursday. On the L train at around 2 in the morning once, I saw a chick change her panties under her skirt and she threw her dirty panties on an empty seat. I thought that was the classiest thing I’d ever see on the subway. But that has been topped by Dame Helen Mirren looking ten layers of regal in pink gloves and a hot coat. Helen Mirren is in NYC to play THE QUEEN in a play on Broadway, so she should’ve fucked with everyone’s mind by riding the subway in full costume.
Dame Helen is a loyal fan of exquisite Lucite heels, so I love her for that and now I love her for not being one of those tricks who takes up a seat with their bag. You know who you are.
And every drunken whore who’s sucked dick for a half-eaten 6 pack of Chicken McNuggets just said to themselves, “Been there, done that!”
Because McDonald’s really wants to be hit with more sexual harassment lawsuits, they have announced that for 12 days in February, hand-picked customers will be able to pay for this diarrhea-induced food by performing acts of love. The acts of love will be G-rated, apparently. HuffPo says that from February 2 to Valentine’s Day, a “Lovin’ Lead” manager from each McDonald’s will randomly pick a customer and ask them to do a “random act of lovin’” as payment. The “random acts” will include shit like calling your mom, blowing air kisses and giving hugs. THE FUCK? A hug? Gross and sappy! That’s like a Care Bear’s idea of prostitution. I’d rather suck a dick for a Coke than give a hug. Hugging is way too intimate.
McDonald’s announced their “Random Acts of Lovin’” campaign in a Super Bowl commercial (above).
In some eery sad news that will take you back to February 2012, CbS 46 says that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, was found unresponsive in a bathtub her home in Roswell, GA this morning. Before the police showed up to her house, Bobbi Kristina’s husband Nick Gordon and a friend tried to wake her up with CPR. When the police got there, they also performed “life-saving measures” on her until the paramedics arrived.
Bobbi Kristina was taken to North Fulton Hospital. TMZ says that doctors were able to revive her and they stabilized her breathing.
UPDATE: Well, damn. A “family source” tells TMZ that Bobbi Kristina is in ICU and her brain was swelling so doctors had to put her in a medically induced coma. Entertainment Tonight says that Bobby Brown is headed to Atlanta to be with her.
In between going through a divorce with Whatshisname and battling a butterfly-hating nanny who threw a lawsuit at her for getting fired for showing too much “affection” to the twin Hello Kittens after working 120 hours a week, Mimi fluttered off to Jamaica to fill the ears of her Jamaican lambs with her unicorn yodel and possibly give a lip-synch show that’d make RuPaul stop the track and tell her to sashay away immediately.
Mimi headlined the Jamaica Jazz & Blues Festival last night and I went through some of the videos this morning. In some videos, Mimi sang live and other than her Windsor Fashions dresses from the late 90s, it didn’t seem like she had that many issues. But then I read a post at O-Access Jamaica that claimed that some people were not happy, because when it came time for her to sing “Fantasy,” she said “fuck it” and lazily moved her mouth through it. The video is a struggle! It’s the music performance equivalent of trying to have ass sex without lube and using spit and lotion instead. It’s awkward, painful and Mimi is trying to smile through it. I don’t know what’s going on. It looks like she’s having issues with her earpiece and either the track is screwed up or her mouth is on a 15-second delay because shit just isn’t working. A deaf cat on novocaine could lip-synch better.
Meanwhile, Ariana Grande Latte was sticking pins into the ear of her Mariah Carey voodoo doll. That black magic Bratz doll will do anything to be the true Supreme.
When Christmas was nearly canceled because of Mimi’s messy performance of “All I Want For Christmas,” some whores screamed that she really just should’ve lip-synched that shit. And now whores are screaming at her for lip-synching so badly that she made Brit Brit look like she has her PhD in lip-synching from Drag U. What do bitches want from Mimi? Actually, I doubt Mimi gives three queefs. As long as the check clears and the private jet is stocked with champagne and puppies, she no care. Yes, I’m pretty sure Mimi’s rider states that her private jet must be stocked with fresh puppies.
The lusciously stunning hair art on the head of PJ in the Ford Fusion commercial!
If The Flintstones was rebooted as an ABC Family sitcom that took place in the Midwest in the 90s and Sigourney Weaver played Betty Rubble, this is what she would look like in the show’s intro. If you’ve watched at least 20 minutes of TV in the US this week, then I’m sure you’ve seen this commercial 2 times or more, because networks play it like they have to play it every 10 minutes or the world will end. It’s the Dharma Initiative Clock of commercials. In it, PJ (which is short for “Potent Jena Se Quois-ness“) tells us that she switched from Honda to Ford and I’m not sure what else she says, because I’m too busy taking in the hair spray wonderland of YES on top of her head.
I keep waiting for Honda to announce that they’re filing for bankruptcy because millions of Honda owners switched to Ford. Honda owners all realized that they must take the advice of a human symbol of timeless beauty who made the right decision to do her hair as though Edward Scissorhands cut it with rusty scissors before a bunch of pigeons decided to make it their home. I was going to say that PJ’s hair is so NOW, but that’s only partially true. PJ’s hair is so yesterday, today and tomorrow. Almost every decade of the 20th century and beyond is represented in her hair. I see the 50s hair flip, the crunchy Aqua Netted bang and a little bit of 90s grunge in there. Take it in:
PJ’s hair has proven me very wrong. I figured that if Kate Gosselin’s old possum hair of 2009 and Michelle Duggar’s hair bareback fucked and made a baby together, that baby would look like a hideous monster. But nope, it would look exactly like PJ’s hair, which is a work of pure gorgeousness.
(For Kelley and Peter)
Jessica Walter (74)
Marcus Mumford (28)
Justin Timberlake (34)
Tiffany Limos (35)
Bobby Moynihan (38)
Kerry Washington (38)
Kate Shindle (38)
Paul Scheer (39)
Jackie O (40)
Portia de Rossi (42)
Patricia Velasquez (44)
Minnie Driver (45)
Kelly Lynch (56)
Anthony LaPaglia (56)
Johnny Rotten (59)
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands (77)
Philip Glass (78)
Carol Channing (94)
A source (which at this point, is fame whore talk for “Pimp Mama Kris“) tells People that Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman. If it really is true, I have two pieces of advice for Bruce: 1) Don’t ever let Kanye pick your wardrobe and; 2) Put on some sensible Easy Spirit heels and ruuuuuun from those crazy messes – Time
Steven Tyler is looking AWFUL! No, I’m joking. Besides, Julia Roberts looks more like Marky Mark in Rock Star with that hair – Lainey Gossip
Natalie Dormer could be Captain Marvel – Celebitchy
[insert the name of the stuff this naked car destroyer is on] is a helluva drug – Drunken Stepfather
How disgusting, offensive and wrong! I mean, she’s wearing a Juicy Couture hoodie in 2015! – WWTDD
Backdoor Farrah is going back to Teen Mom even though she’s not a teen or a mom, really – Reality Tea
Taylor Swift showed her bellybutton again and yet the world is still alive. The Bible straight up lied. They said Taylor Swift’s bellybutton was the final sign before the Rapture - The Superficial
Rosie Huntington-Whateverly is selling her own perfume because she couldn’t ignore the people who demanded a Rosie Huntington-Whateverly perfume - Hollywood Tuna
If Hilary Duff walks and the paparazzi aren’t there to capture it, did Hilary Duff really walk? – Popoholic
This keeps happening, but it’s Shirtless Friday again – The Berry
Please tell me Kim Kartrashian Photoshopped herself into that picture – HuffPo
Tatiana Maslanay beat Rooney Mara for a role in one of the ten thousand Star Wars movies – Pajiba
I read the headline in the link as: James Franco and Lana Del Rey Working Together To Make A Movie That Will Be The Strongest Sleep-Aid Ever Made – Jezebel
Heidi Montag’s father arrested for sexually abusing a relative (not Heidi or her sister Holly) for years. And yup, Heidi and Spencer are standing by him – Gawker
Chris Pratt is smooth – Popsugar
Proof that being a Belieber is completely hazardous for your mental AND physical health – Just Jared
What bulge? Padma Lakshmi’s “friend” needs to spend a whole lot of time with Jon Hamm pictures to see what a real dick bulge looks like – ICYDK
Pic: Bro My God
My thoughts and prayers are with you if you have one tube of Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers left.
Today, a large piece of 80s drugstore glamour died, because it’s been reported that Bonne Bell is closing its doors forever and they’re laying off 91 employees at the end of March. Bonne Bell didn’t announce it themselves. The Mayor of Westlake, Ohio, where Bonne Bell is based, put on grape jelly and peanut butter Lip Smackers and opened his mouth to the media about this sad, sad news. Bonne Bell informed the Mayor’s Office in a letter that they are shutting down. via Cleveland.com
The letter said Bonne Bell Co. “will be permanently laying off employees and closing substantially all manufacturing and distribution operations at the facility located at 1006 Crocker Road in Westlake Ohio. in connection with the sale of a significant portion of the business,” Clough said. “As a result of the layoffs and closing of the manufacturing operations we anticipate that 91 employees will be permanently laid off.”
Whatever is left of Bonne Bell will eventually become Bell Family Brands and they’ll mostly sell skincare.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to run down to Walgreens or wherever and shank and punch a trick while fighting for every last tube of Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers. Bonne Bell sold the Lipsmackers brand to Markwins International Corp, which owns fellow merchant of 80s elegance Wet ‘N Wild. Markwins will keep putting out Lip Smackers and they’re planning to breathe new life into it.
First SkyMall and now Bonne Bell?! 2015 is a bitch. I’ll hold your Bubble Gum Lip Smacker while you scream, “AY NOOOOOOOOOOOO,” as you fall into a puddle of sadness on the floor before clutching the charred remains of your childhood.
James Middleton was interviewed by the app magazine TYD (via UsWeekly) because his sister is famous for marrying a dude whose claim to worldwide fame is being born. But poor James is sick of being known as Duchess Kate’s brother even though that’s the only reason people are checking for him. James wants to be known as James and not as Duchess Kate’s brother. If it makes Duchess Kate’s brother feel any better, I don’t only know him as Duchess Kate’s brother. I also know him as the dude who blow dryed his dick and pubes.
Duchess Kate’s brother talks about how he dropped out of the University of Edinburgh because he has Dyslexia and how he started Boomf, a company that lasers pictures onto marshmallows. Yes, that is a real company he started. Duchess Kate’s brother tells TYD that it’s annoying when people ask him about Duchess Kate.
“Yes, it does get frustrating,” Middleton admitted. “I work incredibly hard — just like every other person in business and work and aside from the fact that yes, I am the brother of someone very important, I am, at the end of the day, just James.”
Boo hoo hoo hoo, bitch. I have zero sympathy for his ass. He’s doing just fine being Duchess Kate’s brother. First of all, he gets to sit at the same table as a drunken Prince Hot Ginge during holidays and afterward they probably play strip billiards. Anybody who regularly gets to see PHG’s ass cheeks royale and ginger crotch scepter shouldn’t complain about anything. Second of all, he’s in the marshmallow business. That is a dream job. Whenever someone at a party asks him what he does for a living, he gets to say, “I am a marshmallow mogul.” What am I saying? Nobody asks him what he does for a living. Like they give a shit. They just ask him what kind of shampoo his sister Duchess Kate uses.