And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.”
So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.
According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.
Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.
I guess the Reptilian from Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet who trained him to talk and act like a modern day human before he came to Earth forgot to tell him that it’s probably not a good idea to refer to black people as “colored.” The alien lizard masquerading as a Posh British actor was on PBS’ The Tavis Smalley Show last week and they got into talking about diversity in Hollywood. B. Cums called black actors” colored” when talking about how there’s more roles in the US than in the UK for black actors. B. Cums’ great great great great great great great-granddaddy would be proud!
“I think as far as colored actors go, it gets really difficult in the U.K., and a lot of my friends have had more opportunities (in the U.S.) than in the U.K. and that’s something that needs to change.”
The clip is here if your ears need to hear it for themselves. Some people said that B. Cums should get a pass since he’s a privileged British person who was raised by privileged British people who still use outdated phrases from the old times, but many, many others including the UK-based organization Show Racism the Red Card slapped at his lizard slit of a mouth for saying that shit.
The 17-year-old aspiring dirtbag wannabe skater girl in me just collapsed on the floor and started sobbing into a pile of Dickies pants and baseball raglans and empty tubes of Fudge Paintbox Pretty Flamingo hair dye, because my pop punk reason for living – Blink-182 – is currently in a bad way. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Blink-182′s Mark Hoppus and tattooed millipede Travis Barker took off their studded bracelets and took several bitchy swipes at Blink-182′s former guitarist Tom DeLonge. And those swipes were especially bitchy, because Tom DeLonge says he wasn’t aware that he had ever quit the band. Ooooh, adult dude drama!
While wearing a blouse made out of a giant poop Fruit Roll-Up, Kim Kartrashian pimped out her new Super Whore commercial for T-Mobile on Entertainment Tonight in an interview airing today and she shat up words about how she’s been practically taking selfies since she was in the womb and how she and Kanye West are trying to make another living dress-up doll that they’ll ignore when the cameras aren’t around, because somebody has to keep the nanny industry alive. ET’s Kevin Frazier brought up the hottest member of their evil coven of fame whores, Bruce Jenner, and asked Kummy Kakes if he’s going through something. Kevin wanted to, but didn’t straight-up ask, “Listen, bitch, is he transitioning into Sable Colby or what?”
No, you didn’t fall into some kind of weird time rip that sucked you back in time to last year’s awards season where all anyone could talk about was whether or not Lupita Nyong’o was humping on the Greasy Jesus of Bushwick Jared Leto. It’s still 2015, and we’re still wondering if Lupita Nyong’o is currently spending her mornings washing Jared’s musty bike seat ball stink off her down-lows.
The last time we checked in on Lupita love life, she was dating Canadian rapper K’naan. Not Canada’s best rapper, but I digress. But UsWeekly says that relationship is as dead as Jared’s peroxide-dipped split ends, and she was seen getting “very flirty” with Jared during a SAG Awards afterparty in Sunday night. A source claims:
“He came in and spoke to Harvey [Weinstein] for a second, than raced right for Lupita. He hugged her and started whispering to her quietly.” The unattached actress was receptive to Leto’s attention, following his lead as he “dragged her right to the dance floor.”
While dancing, the stars “were whispering and laughing” closely together. “At one point they were sticking their tongues out at each other and staring into each others eyes. It was very flirty. Then Jared said he had to go but he told her to text him later and he ran off.”
Lupita was probably just checking his tongue for traces of Horny Rodent Rot. Of course, an insider (the stoned lice that live in Jared’s hair) tells Hollywood Life that you can stop picturing the words Mrs. Lupita Let’o, because the rumor that they’re humping on each other is 100% bullshit:
“Jared and Lupita are super super close and really good friends. It definitely could have been looked at as a major flirt fest but they are so close from spending so much time in last years award season that they just started from where they left off, the affection comes from a friendly place and not a budding relationship. They are not dating.”
Just friends, eh? Well in that case, I’d like to remind Lupita that it’s her job as Jared’s friend to make sure he doesn’t leave the house looking like a total mess. Friends don’t let friends show up to the SAG Awards looking like a low-budget Carrie Bradshaw, Lupita.
“Just the lip.” – ejcsanfran
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s made of peen. - Half Empty
The Double Down Dog, KFC’s newest delicious assault on your arteries!
Because KFC is in cahoots with the pharmaceutical companies that make pills for coronary artery disease, they shat up the Double Down Dog, which is like the Double Down Burger but with a juicy wiener instead of a hamburger patty. Sadly, those of us who don’t live in the Philippines will have to continue to make our own heart attack-inducing deliciousness by wrapping a Bird’s Eye fried chicken cutlet around a microwaved hot dog. Because USA Today says that KFC is only selling this fried horror show in the Philippines for a very limited time and they’re only selling 50 a day. They started selling this pig-fucking-a-chicken messiness yesterday and it sold out in a quick second.
KFC says they have no plans to bring the DDD to the US and I don’t know why. Ugly beautiful crap like this was made for America. Maybe they know that if they sell it in the US, we’ll all go crazy, storm every KFC and loot the place of every DDD they’ve got. I mean, Guy Fieri would lose his mind over this and probably butt masturbate with one in the middle of a KFC during the daytime and America would never be the same again. That’s probably why.
If they did bring it to the US, they’d have to make some changes. They’d have to wrap it in a dozen slices of bacon, dip it in Twinkie batter, deep fry it twice and shove a little sliver of lettuce somewhere in there so they can call it a “healthy” option on their menu.
And the DDD has been Photoshopped more than Mimi, Beyonce and Madge combined in that ad. This is what it really looks like. Get ready to vomit and get the tingles at the same time.
Well, now we know what the creampie close-up in a Mama June sex tape would look like. And after that description, I’d still eat it.
Alan Cumming (50)
Daisy Lowe (26)
Lily Donaldson (28)
Rosamund Pike (36)
Jake Pavelka (37)
Josh Randall (43)
Lil Jon (44)
Patton Oswalt (46)
Mike Patton (47)
Rupert Boneham from Survivor (51)
Bridget Fonda (51)
Narciso Rodriguez (54)
Keith Olbermann (56)
Frank Miller (58)
Mimi Rogers (59)
Mikhail Baryshnikov (67)
Steve Wynn (73)
James Cromwell (75)
Mohamed Al-Fayed (86)
Courtney Love and Frances Bean reunited at the Sundance premiere of the Kurt Cobain documentary Montage of Heck for HBO. Some are saying that this picture is sweet and full of awwws, but to me Frances Bean has that same “ay, geth away from meeeee” look on her face that my dog makes when I try to hug him. And yes, in my head, my dog speaks in a lispy Spanish accent – Lainey Gossip
Bitch Got Sued: In news everyone saw coming, Melissa Rivers sued the clinic over Joan Rivers’ death – ICYDK
Kate Upton was Photoshopped into a different person for some ad campaign – Drunken Stepfather
Amal Clooney looks like a new money Carmen Sandiego – Celebitchy
I’m sure Backdoor Farrah and her new “boyfriend” will break up as soon as the check she gave him bounces – Reality Tea
JLo still wants you to believe that she’s just little ole’ Jenny from the Block – WWTDD
Murray Bartlett’s ass made an appearance on Looking last night and I was expecting something a lot more furrier – OMG Blog
Howard Stern called Sam Smith chubby, ugly and gay, and Sam Smith might’ve responded with a vague tweet that could’ve been about anything – Towleroad
I’m beginning to think that there’s one or two paparazzos who have a weird obsession with Hilary Duff or she always keeps her Location Services on for the paps – Popoholic
Screw the SAG Awards, the true grace, elegance and star power was at the AVN Awards – Hollywood Tuna
And here’s some military dudes wearing too many clothes – The Berry
This pussy is an American hero and should be a judge on The Voice – Gawker
Um, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are getting really close to committing a highly illegal act by spilling that glass of delicious champagne – Popsugar
Zach Braff’s tits are looking good – SOW
That American Idol winner with a name like a law firm is suing the Idol team for being shady, shifty fucks – Just Jared
Emile Hirsch might’ve pulled a Chris Brown on a woman at a Sundance party – HuffPo
The Boy Next Door beat Mortdecai at the box office and some are calling it an absolute flop, but I’m calling it a surprise success, because I can’t believe that one person actually paid money to see that crap – Pajiba
All together now: DUUUUUUUUUUUH.
In the back of my kitchen cupboard is an unopened jar of Orville Redenbacher kernels that I’ve been saving for the day that HBO’s documentary about Scientology comes out, because that shit is supposed to be the sole reason for why popcorn was invented. Documentary filmmaker Alex Gibney produced and directed Going Clear, which is based on Lawrence Wright’s book about the Church of E.T. Going Clear isn’t scheduled to show on HBO until March, but it screened at Sundance over the weekend and it supposedly made the jaws of critics (who haven’t read the book) hit the floor.
Going Clear covers the history of Scientology and exposes some of the crazy shit they’ve allegedly pulled. It also covers some of Scientology’s most famous disciples including Tom Cruise and John Travolta. The Daily Beast says that the documentary claims that John Travolta is pretty much wrapped around Scientology’s alien finger, because they have so much shit on him and if he so much as thinks of twirling out the door, they will expose his secrets. The documentary also spends some time covering the demise of Tommy and Nicole Kidman’s marriage at the hand of that shady bitch David Miscavige.