Archives: January 2015

Open Post: Hosted By A Future NBA MVP

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Just call him LaBark James. Or Michael Jordog. I know, I’ll quit while I’m not ahead. This video is from the olden days of 2007, but it started making the rounds again thanks to Reddit. Never mind that Air Bud’s trainer here is obviously a shifty cheater since that ball is deflated, he still has skills and can work a ball better than me (“But really, who can’t?” – all of my ex-boyfriends). If this dog isn’t balancing balls up in heaven, an NBA team needs to pick him up, because he is a star and he’s the only player they need. He’s a one-dog team. The Harlem Globetrotters, who?

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Sherri Shepherd’s Surrogate Is Being Forced To Pay Child Support

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

The words “Reserved for Ms. Shepherd” were engraved on a plaque hanging on a door in the Special Place Ward in Hell when Sherri Shepherd wrote off the baby that grew in her surrogate’s womb. When Sherri and her husband Lamar Sally broke up last year, she labeled him a scheming gold digger and accused him of tricking her into the surrogacy situation as a way to get her to pay him child support. Sherri walked away from the unborn baby and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the kid ever. The already disgustingly messy situation got messier when Lamar sued Sherri for spousal and child support. Now, the surrogate who carried Sherri and Lamar’s baby has spoken out and is pissed that she’s being hit up for child support. It says a lot when a situation is dangerously close to becoming as fucked up as the Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry situation.

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Nick Carter Kept It Classy Last Night

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Those Carter boys are such romantics, you know? First Aaron Carter tries to woo back the long-lost love of his life Hilary Duff by penning some cracked out love poems on Twitter, and now we have his older brother Nick Carter grabbing a handful of his wife’s ass and making fuck faces at the premiere of the documentary Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of last night. If Cupid ever decides to retire, I think I know two blond angels who could take his place.

Because documentaries are the classiest type of film, Paris Hilton’s former crab wrangler decided to pull out all the stops when walking the red carpet with his wife of nine months Lauren Kitt and give her a truly classy red carpet experience. Nick grabbed her ass. Nick mouth fucked her face. Nick was a walking backsreet boner who made everyone in attendance realize that maybe Aaron isn’t the messiest Carter brother.

Meanwhile, his wife Lauren – who looks like she was assembled using old Kim Kardashian parts from 2009 – stood there with the sort of vacant look in her eyes that says “Eh, could be worse – at least I’m not getting dry humped by a dude from O-Town.

Here’s more of the coupon book version of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at the premiere of Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of last night in Los Angeles, as well as all the other Backstreet Boys:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Katy Perry Is Not Going To Let Any Trick (Read: Taylor Swift) Defame Her Character!

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Hmmm… those chichis look a bit…deflated. Does Katy Perry have to make EVERYTHING about her, even #deflategate?!

At the green round table in the middle of the cafeteria the other day, 14-time HS junior and one of the most popular girls in school Katy Perry told the school newspaper (aka Billboard) that she’s not a shady megabitch or anything, but if a petty whore, who shall remain nameless, tugs at her ponytail, she’s going to tug back, because she lives her life like that Christina Aguilera song “Fighter.” Katy Perry didn’t name names, but we all know she’s talking about 11-time HS freshmen and assistant JV cheerleading captain Taylor Swift. The lamest and most immature high school feud all started when Tay Tay said that her song “Bad Blood” is about a conniving, cunty pop star who is her “straight-up enemy” and tried to sabotage her tour by stealing her back-up dancers. Katy slapped back at Taylor by tweeting: “Watch out for the Regina George in sheep’s clothing.”

While talking about her half-time performance at the homecoming game on Sunday, Katy told the school newspaper that she’s not one to get into the ~dramz~ but she’s not going to let some jealous ho bag twat stick defame her character. “Hah, that bitch Katy defamed her own character and snatch when she fucked that creepy band geek slut John Mayer,” said all of us outcasts while passing a joint behind the gym during last period.

In her new Billboard cover story, Katy Perry wasn’t interested in throwing shade. Keeping her eye on the Super Bowl halftime show prize, Perry only had this to offer when asked about it: “If somebody is trying to defame my character, you’re going to hear about it.”

I totally wasn’t going to watch the homecoming game (“More like HoCumming game since that big ho Katy is performing, amirite?” – Taylor) on Sunday, but now I am. I can’t wait to see Taylor get her revenge on her straight-up enemy by crashing the stage to catfight with that trick.

And yes, I realize that calling a 30-year-old and a 25-year-old two immature high school girls is rich coming from someone whose posts read like they were taken directly from a burn book written by a bitchy, unpopular 12-year-old girl who huffs paint all the time. No offense to bitchy, unpopular 12-year-old girls who huff paint all the time.

Here’s Katy at some Super Bowl press conference.

Pics: Splash

Iggy Azalea Took A Swipe At Steve Madden For Releasing A Picture Of Her Wearing “Disgusting Neoprene Jesus Sandals”

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Poochie’s Austalian cousin Iggy Azalea recently worked with shoe designer Steve Madden to create a bunch of Iggy Azalea-looking mallrat shoes. Of course, she didn’t just help pick out colors and insoles and whatever else you do when you’re pretending to be a shoe designer while mentally calculating how much cash you’ll make from slapping your name on a pair of shoes; she also was the shoe model when they shot the Steve Madden x Iggy Azalea campaign.

The only problem is, Iggy Azalea assumed she would have total control over the final images, and according to The Huffington Post, she threw a shit fit when Steve Madden released a shot she didn’t like. HuffPo says it all started when Steve Madden posted this image to the SMxIA Tumblr (which has now since been made private):

IggyAzaleaSteveMadden

So she did what Iggy Azalea would normally do in this situation: she bitched them out on Twitter.

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Johnny Depp And Amber Heard’s Pre-Divorce Ceremony May Happen Next Week

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Page Six says that Amber Heard will become the future ex-Mrs. Johnny Depp next weekend when she marries the serial fiancé and Fighting The Hot Grand Champion on his private island in the Bahamas. Can somebody please ask Rachel Zoe how far her kind can fly, because I need to know whether or not I should assume that the Chupacabra is going to get revenge on Johnny Depp while he’s standing at the altar.

A source tells Page Six that 50 guests, including his kids, will watch act 2 of Johnny’s mid-life crisis at his home on Little Hall’s Pond Cay, the private island he bought for $3.6 million after shooting Pirates of the Caribbean in the Bahamas in 2004. Break out the booze and the bad shit. That wedding’s theme is probably going to be Pirates of the CaribbeanHIGH.

The source says that Amber and Johnny chose the weekend of February 7th and 8th, because he’s getting ready to shoot the 10 millionth Pirates of the Caribbean movie in Australia and it was the only free time in their schedules. There’s nowhere on the island for all of Johnny and Amber’s guests to sleep (what kind of cheap ass private island…), so they have to pass out on his yacht named Vajoliroja. You might think that Vajoliroja is Latin for red, swollen vagina, but it’s a made up word. Johnny’s yacht is named after Vanessa Paradis (Va), himself (Jo), his daughter Lily Rose (LiRo) and his son Jack (Ja).

The source (Hi, Amber’s publicist!) also said that Amber’s dress was made by Stella McCartney. The source also said (no, they didn’t) that Amber’s something blue will be her facial expression and her something new will be the 8-ball dangling from her garter belt. Johnny Depp will wear every necklace from a Caribbean gift shop, the entire scarf department of a Lord & Taylor and his usual miserable facial expression of, “Fuck my life.”

And now is the perfect time to remember Johnny’s first wedding to Lori Anne Allison in 1983.

lori-anne-allison--z

Those razor sharp brows and that Colonel Sanders tie… Now THAT is groom elegance at its finest.

Shakira Pulled A Beyonce And Rented Out The Entire Floor Of A Hospital For The Birth Of Her Second Son

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m sure some of you read the words “pulled a Beyonce” and your brain immediately pictured Shakira shopping for a Publicity’s Choice™ 3rd trimester pillow, but no – that baby bump actually has a baby in it. Well, at least it did at one time; according to The Mirror (via NY Daily News), that baby is now living on the outside and has been since about 11pm Thursday night. Congratulations, Shakira – you’re one baby closer to that all-baby football team you wanted!

Shakira and her low-budget Scott Disick-looking professional football-kicking baby daddy Gerard Piqué already have a 2-year-old son named Milan, and last night another baby boy was pulled from her body via c-section at the Quiron Teknon Hospital in Barcelona. The Mirror says Shakira’s new baby is called Sacha, but Shakira hasn’t really confirmed that yet, so it could be Sacha or it could be Santa or it could be Shakira Jr. (but it’s probably Sacha). Also, if Baby Sacha ever wants to do drag, Sacha Piqué is a super hot name.

And Baby Sacha apparently didn’t have to compete with any other babies for the title of Cutest Baby Thing on the birthing floor, because Billboard says Shakira rented out the whole floor for privacy. That, or it was because Gerard didn’t want any of those other babies looking at his his lady. Either way, congratulations on your new baby Shakira, and enjoy your empty-ass hospital! Sleep in all the beds, pee in all the toilets – really get your money’s worth.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Dolfin shorts, the IT shorts of the early 80s!

Dolfin shorts were a little before my time, but I know that they were the epitome of hot sportswear glamour. Dolfin shorts were made of nylon, cut up to your armpits and some came with a built-in pair of chonies so you didn’t have to worry about flashing your goods for free. They were like a flimsy bib for your crotch. They made their debut sometime in the late 70s and were everywhere by the early 80s.  You weren’t ready to go running in the early 80s unless you were wearing candystripe Dolfin shorts with built-in panties, a pair of shiny beige hose and sensible workout heels.

I hadn’t really thought about Dolfin shorts in a while until Wednesday night. I was in the chips section at Vons, a grocery store, when a cloud of steam and heat hit my back. I turned around to see a giant wall of steam and out walked a pepaw in black Dolfin shorts, white gym socks, bright blue sneakers and a white windbreaker. It was a vision and I’m surprised that oxygen masks didn’t drop from the ceiling, because everyone in that aisle hyperventilated over the sex he served up. I don’t even know if he was wearing underwear. I’m surprised the wind from all of the air kisses his new admirers blew at him didn’t cause his Dolfin shorts to blow up and give us a peek of his pepaw nalgas.

I wish I had the body confidence to wear a pair of Dolfin shorts. They’re classic, highly fashionable and provide easy access for quick hook-ups.

Dolfin still makes a version of these shorts today and we can thank the Patron Saint of Athletic Glamour, Richard Simmons, for that. They’re practically the only thing he wears and he owns hundreds of pairs of the original style. How he hasn’t gotten a Nobel Peace Prize for that act alone is one of life’s greatest mysteries.

Pic: Bike Forums 

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Birthday Sluts

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Christian Bale (41)
Eiza González (25)
Jake Thomas (25)
Kid Cudi (31)
Wilmer Valderrama (35)
Josh Kelley (35)
Andy Milonakis (39)
Yumi Yoshimura (40)
Jemima Khan (41)
Chris Jacobs (45)
Carolyn Kepcher (46)
Mary Kay Letourneau (53)
Jody Watley (56)
Brett Butler (57)
Phil Collins (64)
Charles S. Dutton (64)
Dick Cheney (74)
Vanessa Redgrave (78)
Tammy Grimes (81)
Gene Hackman (85)
Harold Prince (87)
Dorothy Malone (90)

Pic: Esquire UK

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