Archives: January 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Johnny Depp’s Crisco-Covered Mop

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re ever out of lube and Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just rub your genitals all over his oily hair. If you’re abuelita wants to make some fried platanos and she’s all out of lard, but Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just tell her to rub her pan all over his manteca hair. If your car is out of oil and you don’t have any Penzoil, but Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just put his head over the oil reservoir thing and wring his hair out. (Side note: Car engineers should really develop a car that runs on the grease that’s in Johnny Depp’s hair.) The grease in Johnny Depp’s hair has so many uses!

Even though Mortahoweveryouspellthatshit flopped hard here in the US, Johnny Depp and his caretaker Amber Heard were sent over to Tokyo to sell that mess in hopes that the studio can make some money off of that moustache’d turd. The people of Japan love horror movies, so they should market that shit as the most torturous 107 minutes of cinema ever. The premiere was in Tokyo tonight and Johnny waved at all of his fans while looking like a cross between a hobo Snape and KD Lang as the girl in The Grudge. I also threw in pictures of Johnny and Amber at the airport in Tokyo yesterday. She looks like an Amish nurse and he looks like the pilled-up recluse she was hired to take care of.

And you probably couldn’t read any of that because the grease in Johnny’s mop bled through your screen and you’re busy wiping that mess away with the thicker, quicker picker-upper.

Pics: Reuters, Wenn.com

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Some Sneaky Hacker Hacked Taylor Swift’s Twitter And Instagram Accounts While She Was On Vacation

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

While vintage postcard person Taylor Swift was on vacation in Hawaii with her current girl clique (the Haim girls), TMZ says some evil butterscotch-hating hacker types correctly guessed her password (livelovelaugh123) and hacked into her Twitter and Instagram accounts. Unfortunately, it appears this was their first celebrity social media hack and they didn’t realize you’re supposed to post pictures of dicks or tweet stuff like “@poofacts: My favorite sandwiches are hot doo doo sandwiches #yum“, because TMZ says the only damage they did was give a couple shout-outs to some fellow hacker types. Amateurs!

Taylor’s confirmed her shit got hacked by posting a message on her Tumblr saying that Twitter had locked her account and were in the process of changing her passwords. That’s when the hackers claimed to have nudie pictures of Tay Tay and were threatening to release them. Thankfully, the tech team at Twitter was able to get Tay Tay’s Twitter account back up so she could slap at the hackers and call BS on the existence of said nude pics:

Taylor Swift Hacker Tweet 1

Taylor Swift Hacker Tweet 2

However, the hackers did release several screenshots of alleged DMs between Tay Tay and some famous types, like Nick Jonas. Then again, the use of phrases like “Are we bad kids now?” and “You’re whalecome” make me think that it might just be the online correspondence of some random 13-year-old girl. Either way, I’m sure Tay Tay’s cat Detective Olivia Benson already has several suspects in custody and is in the process of interrogating them.

And does anyone know if Diplo has an alibi?

Pic: Instagram

Porn Star Mia Khalifa Has No Love For Wheelchair Jimmy And His Cringeworthy DMs

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

21-year-old Lebanese American porn performer Mia Khalifa is the most searched trick on PornHub, which is sort of surprising, because I’d guess that Carrot Top would own that title since I search his name on PornHub at least 300 times an hour hoping that one day a video worth fapping over will come up. Mia Khalifa’s claim to fame is getting boned in front of a camera while wearing a hijab. (“Mom, why didn’t YOU think of that?” – Kim Kardashian to Pimp Mama Kris) Mia talked about things with a Miami sports radio station (via ONTD) and no, they didn’t ask her how to perfectly achieve a manicured chola Groucho Marx eyebrow situation. But they did ask her if any famous dudes have ever tried to wet hump on her. Guess what? Some have. I know, finding out that famous dudes try to fuck on porn stars probably made your brain ooze out of your ear holes. It’s shocking. Mia said she wouldn’t name names, but then she pretty much named a name by saying one of the famous dudes who slipped a note into her DM box has a name that rhymes with “rake.” Yeah, it could be Jake the Snake or Drake Bell or Lake Bell or Blake Lively, but it’s obviously that thirsty bitch Wheelchair Jimmy.

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Lindsay Lohan Thinks She Can Get 15 Days Worth Of Community Service Completed By Wednesday

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.

So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.

According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.

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The Alien Lizard King Is Really Sorry For Referring To Black Actors As “Colored”

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I guess the Reptilian from Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet who trained him to talk and act like a modern day human before he came to Earth forgot to tell him that it’s probably not a good idea to refer to black people as “colored.” The alien lizard masquerading as a Posh British actor was on PBS’ The Tavis Smalley Show last week and they got into talking about diversity in Hollywood. B. Cums called black actors” colored” when talking about how there’s more roles in the US than in the UK for black actors. B. Cums’ great great great great great great great-granddaddy would be proud!

“I think as far as colored actors go, it gets really difficult in the U.K., and a lot of my friends have had more opportunities (in the U.S.) than in the U.K. and that’s something that needs to change.”

The clip is here if your ears need to hear it for themselves. Some people said that B. Cums should get a pass since he’s a privileged British person who was raised by privileged British people who still use outdated phrases from the old times, but many, many others including the UK-based organization Show Racism the Red Card slapped at his lizard slit of a mouth for saying that shit.

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There’s A Very Messy, Very Public Fight Between The Members Of Blink-182 Happening Right Now

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The 17-year-old aspiring dirtbag wannabe skater girl in me just collapsed on the floor and started sobbing into a pile of Dickies pants and baseball raglans and empty tubes of Fudge Paintbox Pretty Flamingo hair dye, because my pop punk reason for living – Blink-182 – is currently in a bad way. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Blink-182′s Mark Hoppus and tattooed millipede Travis Barker took off their studded bracelets and took several bitchy swipes at Blink-182′s former guitarist Tom DeLonge. And those swipes were especially bitchy, because Tom DeLonge says he wasn’t aware that he had ever quit the band. Ooooh, adult dude drama!

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Bruce Jenner Is On A Journey, So Says Kim Kartrashian

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

While wearing a blouse made out of a giant poop Fruit Roll-Up, Kim Kartrashian pimped out her new Super Whore commercial for T-Mobile on Entertainment Tonight in an interview airing today and she shat up words about how she’s been practically taking selfies since she was in the womb and how she and Kanye West are trying to make another living dress-up doll that they’ll ignore when the cameras aren’t around, because somebody has to keep the nanny industry alive. ET’s Kevin Frazier brought up the hottest member of their evil coven of fame whores, Bruce Jenner, and asked Kummy Kakes if he’s going through something. Kevin wanted to, but didn’t straight-up ask, “Listen, bitch, is he transitioning into Sable Colby or what?

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Lupita Nyong’o And Jared Leto Might Be A Thing (Again)

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

No, you didn’t fall into some kind of weird time rip that sucked you back in time to last year’s awards season where all anyone could talk about was whether or not Lupita Nyong’o was humping on the Greasy Jesus of Bushwick Jared Leto. It’s still 2015, and we’re still wondering if Lupita Nyong’o is currently spending her mornings washing Jared’s musty bike seat ball stink off her down-lows.

The last time we checked in on Lupita love life, she was dating Canadian rapper K’naan. Not Canada’s best rapper, but I digress. But UsWeekly says that relationship is as dead as Jared’s peroxide-dipped split ends, and she was seen getting “very flirty” with Jared during a SAG Awards afterparty in Sunday night. A source claims:

“He came in and spoke to Harvey [Weinstein] for a second, than raced right for Lupita. He hugged her and started whispering to her quietly.” The unattached actress was receptive to Leto’s attention, following his lead as he “dragged her right to the dance floor.”

While dancing, the stars “were whispering and laughing” closely together. “At one point they were sticking their tongues out at each other and staring into each others eyes. It was very flirty. Then Jared said he had to go but he told her to text him later and he ran off.”

Lupita was probably just checking his tongue for traces of Horny Rodent Rot. Of course, an insider (the stoned lice that live in Jared’s hair) tells Hollywood Life that you can stop picturing the words Mrs. Lupita Let’o, because the rumor that they’re humping on each other is 100% bullshit:

“Jared and Lupita are super super close and really good friends. It definitely could have been looked at as a major flirt fest but they are so close from spending so much time in last years award season that they just started from where they left off, the affection comes from a friendly place and not a budding relationship. They are not dating.”

Just friends, eh? Well in that case, I’d like to remind Lupita that it’s her job as Jared’s friend to make sure he doesn’t leave the house looking like a total mess. Friends don’t let friends show up to the SAG Awards looking like a low-budget Carrie Bradshaw, Lupita.

Pic: AP

Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The Double Down Dog, KFC’s newest delicious assault on your arteries!

Because KFC is in cahoots with the pharmaceutical companies that make pills for coronary artery disease, they shat up the Double Down Dog, which is like the Double Down Burger but with a juicy wiener instead of a hamburger patty. Sadly, those of us who don’t live in the Philippines will have to continue to make our own heart attack-inducing deliciousness by wrapping a Bird’s Eye fried chicken cutlet around a microwaved hot dog. Because USA Today says that KFC is only selling this fried horror show in the Philippines for a very limited time and they’re only selling 50 a day. They started selling this pig-fucking-a-chicken messiness yesterday and it sold out in a quick second.

KFC says they have no plans to bring the DDD to the US and I don’t know why. Ugly beautiful crap like this was made for America. Maybe they know that if they sell it in the US, we’ll all go crazy, storm every KFC and loot the place of every DDD they’ve got. I mean, Guy Fieri would lose his mind over this and probably butt masturbate with one in the middle of a KFC during the daytime and America would never be the same again. That’s probably why.

If they did bring it to the US, they’d have to make some changes. They’d have to wrap it in a dozen slices of bacon, dip it in Twinkie batter, deep fry it twice and shove a little sliver of lettuce somewhere in there so they can call it a “healthy” option on their menu.

And the DDD has been Photoshopped more than Mimi, Beyonce and Madge combined in that ad. This is what it really looks like. Get ready to vomit and get the tingles at the same time.

kfcoudbledownnasty

Well, now we know what the creampie close-up in a Mama June sex tape would look like. And after that description, I’d still eat it.

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