Archives: January 2015

Scientology Destroyed Tom Cruise’s Marriage To Nicole Kidman, So Says A New HBO Documentary

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

All together now: DUUUUUUUUUUUH.

In the back of my kitchen cupboard is an unopened jar of Orville Redenbacher kernels that I’ve been saving for the day that HBO’s documentary about Scientology comes out, because that shit is supposed to be the sole reason for why popcorn was invented. Documentary filmmaker Alex Gibney produced and directed Going Clear, which is based on Lawrence Wright’s book about the Church of E.T. Going Clear isn’t scheduled to show on HBO until March, but it screened at Sundance over the weekend and it supposedly made the jaws of critics (who haven’t read the book) hit the floor.

Going Clear covers the history of Scientology and exposes some of the crazy shit they’ve allegedly pulled. It also covers some of Scientology’s most famous disciples including Tom Cruise and John Travolta. The Daily Beast says that the documentary claims that John Travolta is pretty much wrapped around Scientology’s alien finger, because they have so much shit on him and if he so much as thinks of twirling out the door, they will expose his secrets. The documentary also spends some time covering the demise of Tommy and Nicole Kidman’s marriage at the hand of that shady bitch David Miscavige.


Open Post: Hosted By A Trifecta Of Blonde Beauty

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:


Presenting: the 3 stages of plastic surgery (normal, Muppet and waxed zombie). You decide which is which.

The most stunning White Walker of all-time Donatella Versace served up some sexed-up extravaganza for the paparazzi outside of the Versace Haute Couture show in Paris last night when she posed with human sparkler Goldie Hawn and the wet match version of Goldie Hawn known as Kate Hudson. There’s really something for everyone here. If you want a legendary legend, take Golden Hawn. If you want a legendary legend but are on a Natty Ice and Pall Malls budget, take the legend’s daughter. And if you want a melting Iggy Pop wax figure that makes you feel terrified and intrigued at the same time, take Donatella Versace, but if you do that, say goodbye to your soul since that’s the only thing she eats.

These three gorgeous blondes (I know, they’re the Holly, Bridget and Kendra of 2015) really gave the boys something to chew on and ate up the camera flashes at the same time. Of course, Kate Hudson and her ass tried to get all the attention, but Goldie stole the shot when she made this “overheated drunk blowfish slowly letting out a long fart” face:




In that first picture, is Goldie doing a Pimp Mama Kris-approved “Yup, she owes all of that to mama” pose or is she holding her hand out because she’s trying to catch a bouquet of roses from one of the many admirers who showed up to see her instead of those other two? I’m going with the latter.

And here’s more of Goldie, Donatella and Kate looking like they’re shooting a sequel to Death Becomes Her.


Pics:, Splash


Emma Watson Will Play Belle In Disney’s Live-Action “Beauty And The Beast” Movie

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Angelina Jolie made Disney enough money to buy a small planet with that live-action mess Maleficent, and Disney is a greedy whore who can never have enough money, they’re making a live-action version of Beauty and the Beast, which will no doubt gross $19 billion, because Beauty and the Beast-obsessed dummies like me who get the hardcore feels for that movie and will go see it 27 times. And it looks like the person who will get a percentage of my money will be Emma Watson.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, book-readying smart type Emma Watson has been cast as Belle, the book-reading smart type with a major case of Stockholm syndrome, in Disney’s upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. The studio announced the news today, and Emma confirmed it on Facebook:

Emma Watson Facebook

THR says the live-action Beauty and the Beast will be directed by Twilight: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon, so please put your hands together and pray that he doesn’t turn Cogsworth into some kind of soul-chilling CGI nightmare.

Emma Watson as Belle is all well and good, but I want to know who else has been cast in this future mess. I’m no casting director, but it’s pretty obvious who should play the rest of the characters from Beauty and the Beast. Khloe Kardashian IS the Beast. The Hammaconda IS Gaston. Rihanna IS that slutty feather duster and Leo DiCaprio IS the horny feather duster-humping Lumière. Justin Bieber IS Mrs. Potts’ annoying teacup son Chip who we all hope “accidentally” gets put in a box marked FREE and thrown on the curb (seriously, Chip is THE WORST).

And it goes without saying that Angela Lansbury better be cast as Mrs. Potts, or so help me god, I will only see this movie 26 times.


Alexander Skarsgard And Margot Robbie Might Be Doing It

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

E! News, UsWeekly, and People are all saying that tall drink of Swedish leche Alexander Skarsgard and fellow hot blond person Margot Robbie might be a thing of sorts. ASkars and Margot shot Tarzan together a little while ago and sources say that at a Sundance party over the weekend, they got close and she looked like she was ready to scream “Aah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaaah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaah!!!!” as her chocha swings from his crotch branch.


Once Again, Lupita Nyong’o Shows The Red Carpet How It’s Done

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.

Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.

Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.

Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash,

The Mani Cam Is Dead: The Likes Of Jennifer Aniston And Julianne Moore Refuse To Take Part In That Stupid Shit

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

At the 2014 Golden Globes, Elisabeth Moss flipped off E!’s stupid-as-fuck mani cam, because someone had to do it, and I guess E! didn’t take that as a hint. They brought back the mani cam at this year’s Golden Globes and at last night’s SAG Awards. But the anti-mani cam revolution has officially begun, because several tricks shut that mess down last night.

For some reason, Ghouliana Rancic wasn’t available to verbally lick up the ass juices of famous people at the SAG Awards for E! last night, so Maria Menounos had to do it. Maria Menonous was probably the only one there who was grateful for the mani cam’s existence, because it gave her something to talk about. While Giuliana makes me cringe by sucking on the assholes of celebrities, Maria made me cringe by being ten layers of awkward. There weird long pauses, a lot of “uhs” and stupid questions. Maria was like me on almost every first date I’ve had. The mani cam bullshit only added an extra layer of awkward. Asking a future Oscar winner like Julianne Moore to show off her nail polish and borrowed jewelry in a shoe box diorama is like asking my One Direction-obsessed little cousin what her favorite Taylor Swift song is. You will get a side-eye that says, “Dumb bitch, you know better than to ask me that,” followed by a wave of the hand.


So, Zach Galifianakis Doesn’t Really Look Like Zach Galifianakis Anymore…

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

And yet, I still would. I would have back when he looked like a feral hamster, and I would now. Hell, I would even if he was dressed as The Snuggler, but I think that says more about me than I should admit out loud, so I’ll stop.

Zach Galifianakis must have gotten cursed out by an evil gypsy woman or something, because he showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like an emaciated chicken nugget. And everyone was like “who dis?“, because Zach Galifianakis doesn’t really look like Zach Galifianakis anymore. He looks more like a blond Joaquin Phoenix. It’s like The Curious Case of Jonah Hill Galifianakis - all eyes and neck.

As much as I want to believe some old lady pulled a Thinner on his ass, Zach’s weight loss is probably just the result of quitting booze. Zach told Conan O’Brien back in May 2013 that he quit drinking and lost some weight, so I guess he’s still not drinking. According to UsWeekly, a source close to Zach says he’s “continuing to stay healthy. People are really proud of him.” That’s all well and good, but did he have to get rid of that sexy beard too? Maybe the beard started missing booze too much and was like “Fuck this, I’m going to go live on Andrew Garfield’s face.

Zach didn’t walk the red carpet, but here’s more handsome tuxedoed hos from the SAG Awards last night, including Adrien Brody, BILF (Beetlejuice I’d like to…you get the idea) Michael Keaton, and the Texas T-Rex looking like the maître d of a fancy topless surf n’ turf restaurant:

Pics: Splash,

Amal Clooney, Take Note: This Is How You Wear Gloves On The Red Carpet

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Actually, all stylists should take the note. The next time the trick they’re dressing asks, “What about gloves? Like Amal Clooney?” That stylist needs to ask to see a government-issued ID and if the name on that ID doesn’t say “Dame Joan Henrietta Collins” the answer is an all-caps, bolded FUCK NO! A law should be passed stating that only Dame Joan Collins is allowed to wear a pair of gloves on the red carpet, because she’s the only goddess who has the charisma, confidence and know how to pull that look off.

This morning, I scanned the Best Dressed of the SAG Awards lists and right after I did that, I Googled “contact information for the Deputy Sheriff of the Intrawebs Police,” because I need to report the authors of every one of those lists. Those lists should be deleted and erased from the Internet because none of them named Dame Joan as thee best-dressed of the night. That is illegal!

Dame Joan Collins sashayed onto the red carpet of the SAG Awards last night looking like pure perfection from that luscious wig perfectly perched on her head to her sensible heels. She looked like she was dressed for a funeral, which is pretty fitting. Because every time she struts into a room, homely peasants choke on her beauty and glamour before falling back into a coffin.


Sorry Awards Show Writers, But Julia Roberts Says Whatever Julia Roberts Wants To Say

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Because the batteries died in my remote control and I was too lazy to get up and change the channel (lazy/drunk, same thing), I watched the SAG Awards last night. Yes, instead of the Miss Universe pageant; don’t worry, my brain is still cursing me out for it. Except for the part where legendary no-fucks-given type Julia Roberts gave no fucks and verbally jerked off Mark Ruffalo during the presentation of an award he wasn’t even nominated for. At that point, my brain was like “Okay, you’re off the hook for now…

Pretty Woman was there to announce the winner of the award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role (which eventually went to adorable freckled elf Eddie Redmayne), but before she announced anything, she said this:

“Good evening. They had a wordy little tongue twister for me to start with about how fabulous actors are, but instead, I just want to say, Mark Ruffalo is one outstanding actor. I am so absolutely tickled to my toes that he won tonight. He wasn’t here. Waiting for that Nor’easter.”

Mark Ruffalo had just won the SAG award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Miniseries or Television Movie for The Normal Heart, but couldn’t be there to accept his award because he was too busy being a major hunk at home or something. NO! He had to work. And Julia wasn’t being a spotlight-yanking bitch, she was just excited for her friend. A friend who could make anybody swoon to the moon, so I give her a pass.

But that Julia Roberts is definitely my favorite kind of Julia Roberts. The one that’s like “Yes, I know you stayed up till 3am sitting on a busted chair in a dank writers room thinking of something clever for me to read off the teleprompter, but Julia Roberts does what Julia Roberts wants” before lowering a pair of black sunglasses over her eyes like the Deal With It dog. Case in point, Julia Roberts wearing a sexy tuxedo jumpsuit onesie to the SAG Awards:


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