It must be Asshole Redemption Week on Ellen. You’re up next, Charlie Sheen.
Kanye West was on Ellen today to do two things: Show his video for “Only One” and suck on Adidas’ ass lips skin while talking about his deal with them. Between doing that, Kanye talked about his past asshole-ish behavior and he also changed the world by actually smiling! I bet the people in every old castle painting on the planet are smiling too. Kanye told Ellen that one thing he’s learned while being married is how to shut up. Being around a Kardashian will do that to you. They are always talking and nearly everything they say makes you want to barf, so you have to keep your lips firmly shut or you’ll vomit all the time.
Richie Rich’s bratty new-money Canadian cousin Justin Bieber learned a very valuable lesson last Christmas: if you act like a shitty little asshole all year, Santa will put your ass on the naughty list and stuff your stocking full of reindeer turds and dry cleaning coupons. So to make sure he doesn’t get put on the naughty list again this year and ensure that Santa brings him the Pooch Patrol he wants, Justin Bieber is doing everything he can to convince us he’s no longer a lil’ asshole troublemaker, including filming a creepy video (in what appears to be a crawlspace or the bottom of a well or the only room in his clubhouse without a working light) claiming that he’s not a lil’ asshole and he never was – he was just pretending to be a lil’ asshole.
Justin Bieber filmed this video shortly after the Justin Bieber: I’m A Good Boy Now tour made a stop at Ellen for the taping of Ellen DeGeneres’ birthday episode yesterday and a clip of him acting all weird and awkward like a guilty toddler hit the internet. But Justin says he was just nervous because he was afraid people would be at home judging him and he didn’t want to come off “arrogant or conceited”. Yeah, too fucking late.
He also got all ~deep~ by talking about how he’s done “pretending” to be someone he’s not, and that he’s not actually an awful come-to-life canker sore. Basically, the brat that terrorized 2014 was actually just Justin’s interpretation of a brat. According to Justin, the real Justin is “kind and loving and gentle and soft”. I knew it! I knew he was technically still a baby! Here’s lil’ baby Justin on Ellen making strange with Ellen and making me want to barf by talking about his CK baby bits ads:
Ben Foster (seen above giving me douchebag bouncer at a sports bar in Kips Bay) and Robin Wright broke off their engagement to each other last November, because their 14 year age difference became a problem and she felt like he was just way too immature for her ass. That’s what a source told UsWeekly at the time anyway. Well, I guess in the quick minute they were broken up, Ben injected Lindsay Lohan’s blood into his body to speed up his age by 14 years and now he lifts up the seat when he pisses, which means he’s totally matured. Because these two are back together and are promised to be married again.
Ben Foster and Robin Wright (or as Sean Penn calls her, “WHO?”) let it be known that they were rubbing their sex parts together earlier this month when he went to the Golden Globes with her. A source tells UsWeekly that they’re back together, they’re planning to get married and they’re working on their issues, because she thinks he’s a keeper and I’m taking that to mean that the dick is so good it’s worth flying 5 hours for.
“They are fully back together and really happy. Ben is the nicest guy. She knows she has a keeper. There were a bunch of issues before, a lot because of distance and her schedule, but they are working on them. It is worth it to be with a guy like this who really cares about her so much.”
My shoulder joint is held together with duct tape and Old Brown Glue from reaching so much, but let me reach some more. Robin Wright is sort of like an older Charlize Theron to me. She’s a hot skinny blond who is made of ice, is a little scary and will slit your throat with her razor sharp bitch glare if say hi to her at SoulCycle. And Ben Foster is sort of like a younger Sean Penn. He looks like he has the sense of humor of an overworked IRS auditor and gives me “strict stepfather who is always in the garage working on mysterious ‘projects’” vibes. Robin and Sean definitely have a type. I don’t know if Robin and Ben look like they’re doing Charlize and Sean cosplay or if Charlize and Sean look like they’re doing Robin and Ben cosplay.
Here’s Robin and Ben at the Armani Prive show in Paris on Tuesday. Giorgio Armani looks delicious. He’s all silver and golden brown. He looks like a baked potato loosely wrapped in foil.
The dampest, dirtiest rag at the bottom of the laundry room rag bag Sean Penn has been married twice and divorced twice to two very famous people (Madonna and Jen-nay from Forrest Gump), but according to Sean Penn, neither of those count, and if he got married to Charlize Theron, the woman he is possibly maybe engaged to, it would be his first. Sean Penn – who has also claimed in the past that no one has ever loved him – tells Esquire UK (via UsWeekly):
“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”
Don’t worry, I’m sure both Madonna and Robin Wright also like to pretend they were never married to Sean Penn. And I’m sure if you asked them, they’d use the same excuse. “Yeah, it doesn’t count because I wasn’t properly informed that I was marrying a talking sphincter.” Although according to Sean Penn, he’s still on good terms with his first ex-wife and his second ex-wife….’s kids:
“I’m very friendly with my first ex-wife. I would say that I’m on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”
“Thanks, Dad” hissed Sean’s two kids with Robin Wright. “Save that thought for the future when someone asks you about our relationship” thought Baby Jackson. But back to that whole “first marriage” thing. Does that mean that if Sean gets married to Charlize, he’ll refer to her as his “first wife”? I know it should technically be “my future third ex-wife”, but “first wife” works too, I guess. But at least he’s sort of self aware:
“I’m just another asshole trying to feel good about himself. And why shouldn’t I? That’s what everybody should try to do.”
That’s good, but there are too many words after “asshole”.
I know, Goopy Paltrow really should’ve steamed her Apple Maker™ before putting on that crooked labia jumpsuit, because her camel toe looks all wrinkly and disheveled. I mean, if you’re going to anoint your vagina the face of vagina cleaning, then your coochie should always look freshly pressed.
In the near future, you can expect to turn on the TV and see a commercial for Stanley Steemer’s all-new service: vagina steaming! For just the low price of $49.99, a Stanley Steemer (more like Stanley SteamHER) technician will come to your home and steam the toxins right out of your pussy. Call 1-800-STEEEEEEEEEEMER, Stanley Steemer gets your cooch cleaner! You can thank Goopy for that.
Vagina steaming is nothing new. It’s been around for centuries and has been offered in fancy spas here in the US for at least a couple of years. Some say that it helps with menstrual cramps. But Goopy’s poon has discovered it and now she’s really trying to make it happen. A Korean holistic spa in Santa Monica called Tikkun offers up a service where you sit on a fancy toilet and infared and “mugworth steam” rises up into your poon and supposedly cleanses your uterus. It’s the closest thing you’ll get to knowing what it feels like to get bareback fucked by an overheated ghost. The service is called the Mugworth V-Steam, which sounds like a Harry Potter character played by Tilda Swinton.
Actually, scratch that – Chelsea Handler’s tits are almost always out, and she’s almost always riding something while they’re out, so it’s technically not that random. Random would be if she were giving that camel a piggy-back ride with her shirt on. Don’t worry, she could handle the weight of a camel; she has that super-human alkie strength.
Drunk Uncle’s ex-wife is currently in Jerusalem for some kind of spiritual vacation (that or she heard of a place where she can buy Manischewitz in 55 gallon drums), and yesterday it looks like she went for a topless camel ride. You know, as one does. Chelsea posted the picture of her riding a truly depressed-looking camel with a pair of Jewish titty stickers to Instagram with the caption:
“A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And, You don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim“
Yes, Chelsea Handler will unite the Middle East with her Titties of Togetherness. Mostly because shortly after she posted this picture, both Muslims and Jews (and Christians and Atheists and Pastafarians and Scientologists) all agreed that bitch needs to put her shirt back on.
And you know that somewhere under a pile of dirty thongs and rolling papers, Miley Cyrus is looking at this picture and having an Ebenezer Scrooge moment. “Oh shit y’all, it’s the ghost of mah future!”
QVC is proud to present the new Lisa Rinna Collection line of nursing bras. - Dawn Davenport
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
Victoria really should have kept this secret. – FluffKitteh
QVC is proud to present the new Lisa Rinna Collection line of nursing bras. – Dawn Davenport
Pic: Evil Milk
Boo Boo Kitty, Shirley’s best friend and true sidekick since childhood from Laverne & Shirley!
Cookie Lyon from Empire has only graced our screens with her bad bitch business woman realness for just a few weeks, but she’s already become an American icon for bringing back Alex Carrington-levels of glamour and for making America remember one of TV’s most important stuffed animals. Cookie Lyon calls her ex-husband’s piece “Boo Boo Kitty” all the time. Just like Boo Boo Kitty the stuffed animal, his ex-piece is tall, skinny, almost bald-headed and usually has a snobby stank look on her face like she can’t stand the scent of peasants.
Next to Rhonda, Boo Boo Kitty was my favorite character from Laverne & Shirley. Boo Boo Kitty was emotionally complex, always kept it real and it would always roll its eyes at the dumb shit that Laverne and Shirley go into. Yes, Boo Boo Kitty’s eyes were stitched to look like that, but still. And yes, it was really weird and beyond insane that a grown woman talked to her childhood stuffed animal and read it stories and shit, but you can’t call Shirley batshit crazy for that. You’d do the same thing if you had Boo Boo Kitty.
It’s a damn shame that Boo Boo Kitty’s agents were so incompetent. They should’ve threatened to walk if the network didn’t change the name of the show to The Boo Boo Kitty Show featuring Laverne & Shirley. Boo Boo Kitty was the star!
I wonder what happened to Boo Boo Kitty? Did that jealous hussy Laverne bury Boo Boo Kitty in the backyard, because she could no longer stand that Shirley loved that stuffed bitch more than her? If that happened, Boo Boo Kitty probably crawled out of its grave 5 days later and haunted Laverne forever. My guess is that Boo Boo Kitty ran away with Squiggy. He had the look of a Plushie.
And FYI: Boo Boo Kitty fanfiction exists.
Tom Selleck (70)
Isabel Lucas (30)
Brynne Edelsten (32)
Adam Lambert (33)
Riff Raff (33)
Jonny Lang (34)
Jason James Richter (35)
Andrew Keegan (36)
Justin Hartley (38)
Sara Gilbert (40)
Kelly Packard (40)
Heather Graham (45)
Sam Trammell (46)
Edward Burns (47)
Greg Louganis (55)
Oprah Winfrey (61)
Charlie Wilson (62)
Ann Jillian (65)
Cristina Saralegui (67)
Katharine Ross (75)
Cameron Diaz and her husband Benji Madden (Note: It feels weird typing that) touched lips on the Kiss Cam at the Lakers game last night. Are we really sure they’re touching lips? Are we sure that she isn’t chewing off that jacked up pube beard on his face? – Lainey Gossip
Helena Christensen and her extra arms look hot in Marie Claire Mehico – Drunken Stepfather
GoDaddy’s marketing department prematurely released a Super Bowl commercial they knew would get people pissed off and then toasted with crystal flutes full of puppy tears when they got the attention they wanted – Celebitchy
NeNe Leakes got her lawyers to throw a cease and desist letter at Kenya Moore. But what I want to know is , when are lawyers for Claudia Jordan’s clit going to send a cease and desist letter to NeNe Leakes? – Reality Tea
Kelly Bensimon’s titty sacks are still at war and want to be nowhere near each other – WWTDD
Lance Bass and his husband talk about their E! wedding special, but didn’t answer my only question: Is your wedding special going to have full frontal of what? – Towleroad
Jessica Alba’s ass looks like this when she works out – The Superficial
Jessica Alba’s ass looks like this next to a carton of coconut water - Hollywood Tuna
Elizabeth Olsen is giving me Republican politician’s wife in House of Cards glamour – Popoholic
Bet your house, car and EVERYTHING you own on the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl, because Teddy Bear is the Miss Cleo of porcupines and is never wrong – The Berry
That gambling millionaire douche from Instagram has a peen and it looks like this, if you haven’t seen it – (NSFW) OMG Blog
Florence Henderson is getting that Florida dick – Gawker
Amal Clooney reports for
photo-op duty – Popsugar
Madonna killed Taylor Swift – ICYDK
Please tell me either Jon Hamm or Chris Pine is playing Bradley Cooper’s fuck buddy in the Wet Hot American Summer series – Just Jared
Leave it to Nancy Grace to make Dr. Drew look reasonable – Jezebel
We already know that Ewan McGregor has a big dick, but I’m thankful to Colin Farrell for reminding everyone – (NSFW) MNPP
Riff Raff looks like a grown up Garbage Pail Kid on roids and meth. But would you hit it? – HuffPo