Archives: January 2015

Birthday Sluts

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Alan Cumming (50)
Daisy Lowe (26)
Lily Donaldson (28)
Rosamund Pike (36)
Jake Pavelka (37)
Josh Randall (43)
Lil Jon (44)
Patton Oswalt (46)
Mike Patton (47)
Tricky (47)
Rupert Boneham from Survivor (51)
Bridget Fonda (51)
Narciso Rodriguez (54)
Keith Olbermann (56)
Frank Miller (58)
Mimi Rogers (59)
Mikhail Baryshnikov (67)
Steve Wynn (73)
James Cromwell (75)
Mohamed Al-Fayed (86)

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Night Crumbs

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Courtney Love and Frances Bean reunited at the Sundance premiere of the Kurt Cobain documentary Montage of Heck for HBO. Some are saying that this picture is sweet and full of awwws, but to me Frances Bean has that same “ay, geth away from meeeee” look on her face that my dog makes when I try to hug him. And yes, in my head, my dog speaks in a lispy Spanish accent – Lainey Gossip 

Bitch Got Sued: In news everyone saw coming, Melissa Rivers sued the clinic over Joan Rivers’ death – ICYDK

Kate Upton was Photoshopped into a different person for some ad campaign – Drunken Stepfather

Amal Clooney looks like a new money Carmen Sandiego – Celebitchy

I’m sure Backdoor Farrah and her new “boyfriend” will break up as soon as the check she gave him bounces – Reality Tea 

JLo still wants you to believe that she’s just little ole’ Jenny from the Block – WWTDD

Murray Bartlett’s ass made an appearance on Looking last night and I was expecting something a lot more furrier – OMG Blog

Howard Stern called Sam Smith chubby, ugly and gay, and Sam Smith might’ve responded with a vague tweet that could’ve been about anything – Towleroad

I’m beginning to think that there’s one or two paparazzos who have a weird obsession with Hilary Duff or she always keeps her Location Services on for the paps – Popoholic

Screw the SAG Awards, the true grace, elegance and star power was at the AVN AwardsHollywood Tuna 

And here’s some military dudes wearing too many clothes – The Berry

This pussy is an American hero and should be a judge on The VoiceGawker

Um, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are getting really close to committing a highly illegal act by spilling that glass of delicious champagne – Popsugar

Zach Braff’s tits are looking good – SOW

That American Idol winner with a name like a law firm is suing the Idol team for being shady, shifty fucks – Just Jared

Emile Hirsch might’ve pulled a Chris Brown on a woman at a Sundance party – HuffPo

The Boy Next Door beat Mortdecai at the box office and some are calling it an absolute flop, but I’m calling it a surprise success, because I can’t believe that one person actually paid money to see that crap – Pajiba

Pic: Getty

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Scientology Destroyed Tom Cruise’s Marriage To Nicole Kidman, So Says A New HBO Documentary

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

All together now: DUUUUUUUUUUUH.

In the back of my kitchen cupboard is an unopened jar of Orville Redenbacher kernels that I’ve been saving for the day that HBO’s documentary about Scientology comes out, because that shit is supposed to be the sole reason for why popcorn was invented. Documentary filmmaker Alex Gibney produced and directed Going Clear, which is based on Lawrence Wright’s book about the Church of E.T. Going Clear isn’t scheduled to show on HBO until March, but it screened at Sundance over the weekend and it supposedly made the jaws of critics (who haven’t read the book) hit the floor.

Going Clear covers the history of Scientology and exposes some of the crazy shit they’ve allegedly pulled. It also covers some of Scientology’s most famous disciples including Tom Cruise and John Travolta. The Daily Beast says that the documentary claims that John Travolta is pretty much wrapped around Scientology’s alien finger, because they have so much shit on him and if he so much as thinks of twirling out the door, they will expose his secrets. The documentary also spends some time covering the demise of Tommy and Nicole Kidman’s marriage at the hand of that shady bitch David Miscavige.

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Open Post: Hosted By A Trifecta Of Blonde Beauty

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

 

Presenting: the 3 stages of plastic surgery (normal, Muppet and waxed zombie). You decide which is which.

The most stunning White Walker of all-time Donatella Versace served up some sexed-up extravaganza for the paparazzi outside of the Versace Haute Couture show in Paris last night when she posed with human sparkler Goldie Hawn and the wet match version of Goldie Hawn known as Kate Hudson. There’s really something for everyone here. If you want a legendary legend, take Golden Hawn. If you want a legendary legend but are on a Natty Ice and Pall Malls budget, take the legend’s daughter. And if you want a melting Iggy Pop wax figure that makes you feel terrified and intrigued at the same time, take Donatella Versace, but if you do that, say goodbye to your soul since that’s the only thing she eats.

These three gorgeous blondes (I know, they’re the Holly, Bridget and Kendra of 2015) really gave the boys something to chew on and ate up the camera flashes at the same time. Of course, Kate Hudson and her ass tried to get all the attention, but Goldie stole the shot when she made this “overheated drunk blowfish slowly letting out a long fart” face:

 

goldiehawnface2015

 

In that first picture, is Goldie doing a Pimp Mama Kris-approved “Yup, she owes all of that to mama” pose or is she holding her hand out because she’s trying to catch a bouquet of roses from one of the many admirers who showed up to see her instead of those other two? I’m going with the latter.

And here’s more of Goldie, Donatella and Kate looking like they’re shooting a sequel to Death Becomes Her.

 

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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Emma Watson Will Play Belle In Disney’s Live-Action “Beauty And The Beast” Movie

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Angelina Jolie made Disney enough money to buy a small planet with that live-action mess Maleficent, and Disney is a greedy whore who can never have enough money, they’re making a live-action version of Beauty and the Beast, which will no doubt gross $19 billion, because Beauty and the Beast-obsessed dummies like me who get the hardcore feels for that movie and will go see it 27 times. And it looks like the person who will get a percentage of my money will be Emma Watson.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, book-readying smart type Emma Watson has been cast as Belle, the book-reading smart type with a major case of Stockholm syndrome, in Disney’s upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. The studio announced the news today, and Emma confirmed it on Facebook:

Emma Watson Facebook

THR says the live-action Beauty and the Beast will be directed by Twilight: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon, so please put your hands together and pray that he doesn’t turn Cogsworth into some kind of soul-chilling CGI nightmare.

Emma Watson as Belle is all well and good, but I want to know who else has been cast in this future mess. I’m no casting director, but it’s pretty obvious who should play the rest of the characters from Beauty and the Beast. Khloe Kardashian IS the Beast. The Hammaconda IS Gaston. Rihanna IS that slutty feather duster and Leo DiCaprio IS the horny feather duster-humping Lumière. Justin Bieber IS Mrs. Potts’ annoying teacup son Chip who we all hope “accidentally” gets put in a box marked FREE and thrown on the curb (seriously, Chip is THE WORST).

And it goes without saying that Angela Lansbury better be cast as Mrs. Potts, or so help me god, I will only see this movie 26 times.

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Alexander Skarsgard And Margot Robbie Might Be Doing It

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

E! News, UsWeekly, and People are all saying that tall drink of Swedish leche Alexander Skarsgard and fellow hot blond person Margot Robbie might be a thing of sorts. ASkars and Margot shot Tarzan together a little while ago and sources say that at a Sundance party over the weekend, they got close and she looked like she was ready to scream “Aah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaaah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaah!!!!” as her chocha swings from his crotch branch.

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Once Again, Lupita Nyong’o Shows The Red Carpet How It’s Done

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.

Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.

Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.

Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Mani Cam Is Dead: The Likes Of Jennifer Aniston And Julianne Moore Refuse To Take Part In That Stupid Shit

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

At the 2014 Golden Globes, Elisabeth Moss flipped off E!’s stupid-as-fuck mani cam, because someone had to do it, and I guess E! didn’t take that as a hint. They brought back the mani cam at this year’s Golden Globes and at last night’s SAG Awards. But the anti-mani cam revolution has officially begun, because several tricks shut that mess down last night.

For some reason, Ghouliana Rancic wasn’t available to verbally lick up the ass juices of famous people at the SAG Awards for E! last night, so Maria Menounos had to do it. Maria Menonous was probably the only one there who was grateful for the mani cam’s existence, because it gave her something to talk about. While Giuliana makes me cringe by sucking on the assholes of celebrities, Maria made me cringe by being ten layers of awkward. There weird long pauses, a lot of “uhs” and stupid questions. Maria was like me on almost every first date I’ve had. The mani cam bullshit only added an extra layer of awkward. Asking a future Oscar winner like Julianne Moore to show off her nail polish and borrowed jewelry in a shoe box diorama is like asking my One Direction-obsessed little cousin what her favorite Taylor Swift song is. You will get a side-eye that says, “Dumb bitch, you know better than to ask me that,” followed by a wave of the hand.

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So, Zach Galifianakis Doesn’t Really Look Like Zach Galifianakis Anymore…

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

And yet, I still would. I would have back when he looked like a feral hamster, and I would now. Hell, I would even if he was dressed as The Snuggler, but I think that says more about me than I should admit out loud, so I’ll stop.

Zach Galifianakis must have gotten cursed out by an evil gypsy woman or something, because he showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like an emaciated chicken nugget. And everyone was like “who dis?“, because Zach Galifianakis doesn’t really look like Zach Galifianakis anymore. He looks more like a blond Joaquin Phoenix. It’s like The Curious Case of Jonah Hill Galifianakis - all eyes and neck.

As much as I want to believe some old lady pulled a Thinner on his ass, Zach’s weight loss is probably just the result of quitting booze. Zach told Conan O’Brien back in May 2013 that he quit drinking and lost some weight, so I guess he’s still not drinking. According to UsWeekly, a source close to Zach says he’s “continuing to stay healthy. People are really proud of him.” That’s all well and good, but did he have to get rid of that sexy beard too? Maybe the beard started missing booze too much and was like “Fuck this, I’m going to go live on Andrew Garfield’s face.

Zach didn’t walk the red carpet, but here’s more handsome tuxedoed hos from the SAG Awards last night, including Adrien Brody, BILF (Beetlejuice I’d like to…you get the idea) Michael Keaton, and the Texas T-Rex looking like the maître d of a fancy topless surf n’ turf restaurant:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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