About two weeks after I moved to NYC, I went out with some dude I met on the Internet. We went to a bar and sometime during the date, we were talking about movies and he asked me what my favorite was. I told him the usual, Showgirls and Angel. I asked him what his was and he spit out some movie called Monkey Shines. I had never heard of that shit before and he went on to tell me that it’s his favorite, because there’s a scene where Stanley Tucci is wearing nothing but a towel. I think his tip got extra moist when he said that. That opened up a can of Tucci. He went on to tell me that Stanley Tucci is his dream dude and he once dated a German guy who looked like a taller Stanley Tucci. The Tucci-a-like barely spoke English and my date barely spoke German. They had a hard time talking to each other, but they dated for over a year, because but my date just couldn’t break up with him since he looked like Stanley Tucci so much. He probably talked about Stanley Tucci for a good 20 minutes. I get it, Stanley Tucci is hot. I’d hit it until we both needed medical attention. But maybe you should want until date 2 to let me know you’re a Tuccihead. So when I read this news about Stanley Tucci being a dad again, I pictured my date from 14 years ago screaming, “It should’ve been meeeeee,” while sliding against his bedroom wall covered in shirtless Tucci pictures.
Stanley Tucci and his wife of about two years Felicity Blunt, who is a literary agent and Emily Blunt’s sister, are now parents to a boy. The Tucci Blunt baby was born on Sunday in London. This kid is Felicity Blunt’s first and Stanley’s fourth (he has 14-year-old twins and a 12-year-old daughter with his late wife Kate who died from breast cancer in 2009). Stanley’s rep gave this jokey statement to People:
“I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world. We are all thrilled that he is here and healthy.”
Stanley and Felicity named their son Matteo Oliver. Matteo Oliver is a normal and not-at-all crazy name, but if I was him I wouldn’t go by Matteo Oliver. I’d go by my parents’ last names, because Tucci Blunt is a way better and more glamorous name. It sounds like the name of a drag queen rapper.
And here’s Matteo Oliver’s auntie and uncle, Emily Blunt and John Kransinski, with their baby at the farmer’s market in L.A. over the weekend.
Dakota Johnson’s face is the face I make when I’m about to gobble down a Triple Steak Stack and a Cinnabon iced coffee from Taco Bell.
Jamie Dornan’s face is the face I make an hour later when all that Taco Bell has attacked my bowels in a bad way and I’m a fart away from letting it all go and there’s not one available toilet nearby.
The new Edward and Bella, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, are on the cover of Glamour giving off the sexual chemistry of a dead Tilapia and a taxidermied squirrel. If John Travolta and Rojo Caliente made a porn together, they would have more hot sexual chemistry than these two. It’s as if thirty seconds before that picture was taken, Jamie Dornan’s assistant told him that his puppy was murdered, Betty White is in jail for doing it, Orange is the New Black was canceled, a reboot of Showgirls starring Ariana Grande and Meghan Trainor was announced, Andy Capp Hot Fries filed for bankruptcy and he found out that he just lost a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. It’s like he got the worst news ever all at once and then had to pose with her.
This was probably the exact moment when he realized that every magazine will call him “Fifty Shades of Grey star Jamie Dornan” for the rest of his life!
Former frosted-tipped douche fashion vanguard and current panty model David Beckham appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday night to talk about being a delicate-voiced DILF or something, and Jimmy Kimmel made a sarcastic joke about how he’s really let himself go since retiring from soccer in 2013. However, what Jimmy didn’t know is that his joke about being a fat would hit a little too close to home.
David confessed that after he recently took a bath with his 3-year-old daughter Harper Seven Eight Nine Beckham, she looked at her grotesque lardass of a father and hissed: “Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t like you, you’re so chubby.” Yeah, are we sure it wasn’t actually Victoria Beckham throwing her voice while hiding behind a toothbrush? “Oooh, Daddy, it looks like you’ve gained 1/16th of a stone, you hideous slob. No more lemon and water smoothies for you, tubby.” Or maybe she was just delivering a subtle message from Auntie Anna Wintour. “Harper, I’ll put your mommy and daddy on the cover of American VOGUE, but daddy needs to lose a couple pounds first, capiche?”
You can hear the story of Harper fat-shaming her naked father at the 0:24 mark:
He also went on to talk about how he’s basically an Uber driver now that he’s retired. That’s probably why Harper read his ass in the bath – she was just getting him back for the terrible service she received the last time he drove her to nursery school. That’s what you get for forgetting to offer your passenger a bottle of water, David!
Here’s Harper’s so chubby daddy on his way into Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night:
It must be Asshole Redemption Week on Ellen. You’re up next, Charlie Sheen.
Kanye West was on Ellen today to do two things: Show his video for “Only One” and suck on Adidas’ ass lips skin while talking about his deal with them. Between doing that, Kanye talked about his past asshole-ish behavior and he also changed the world by actually smiling! I bet the people in every old castle painting on the planet are smiling too. Kanye told Ellen that one thing he’s learned while being married is how to shut up. Being around a Kardashian will do that to you. They are always talking and nearly everything they say makes you want to barf, so you have to keep your lips firmly shut or you’ll vomit all the time.
Richie Rich’s bratty new-money Canadian cousin Justin Bieber learned a very valuable lesson last Christmas: if you act like a shitty little asshole all year, Santa will put your ass on the naughty list and stuff your stocking full of reindeer turds and dry cleaning coupons. So to make sure he doesn’t get put on the naughty list again this year and ensure that Santa brings him the Pooch Patrol he wants, Justin Bieber is doing everything he can to convince us he’s no longer a lil’ asshole troublemaker, including filming a creepy video (in what appears to be a crawlspace or the bottom of a well or the only room in his clubhouse without a working light) claiming that he’s not a lil’ asshole and he never was – he was just pretending to be a lil’ asshole.
Justin Bieber filmed this video shortly after the Justin Bieber: I’m A Good Boy Now tour made a stop at Ellen for the taping of Ellen DeGeneres’ birthday episode yesterday and a clip of him acting all weird and awkward like a guilty toddler hit the internet. But Justin says he was just nervous because he was afraid people would be at home judging him and he didn’t want to come off “arrogant or conceited”. Yeah, too fucking late.
He also got all ~deep~ by talking about how he’s done “pretending” to be someone he’s not, and that he’s not actually an awful come-to-life canker sore. Basically, the brat that terrorized 2014 was actually just Justin’s interpretation of a brat. According to Justin, the real Justin is “kind and loving and gentle and soft”. I knew it! I knew he was technically still a baby! Here’s lil’ baby Justin on Ellen making strange with Ellen and making me want to barf by talking about his CK baby bits ads:
Ben Foster (seen above giving me douchebag bouncer at a sports bar in Kips Bay) and Robin Wright broke off their engagement to each other last November, because their 14 year age difference became a problem and she felt like he was just way too immature for her ass. That’s what a source told UsWeekly at the time anyway. Well, I guess in the quick minute they were broken up, Ben injected Lindsay Lohan’s blood into his body to speed up his age by 14 years and now he lifts up the seat when he pisses, which means he’s totally matured. Because these two are back together and are promised to be married again.
Ben Foster and Robin Wright (or as Sean Penn calls her, “WHO?”) let it be known that they were rubbing their sex parts together earlier this month when he went to the Golden Globes with her. A source tells UsWeekly that they’re back together, they’re planning to get married and they’re working on their issues, because she thinks he’s a keeper and I’m taking that to mean that the dick is so good it’s worth flying 5 hours for.
“They are fully back together and really happy. Ben is the nicest guy. She knows she has a keeper. There were a bunch of issues before, a lot because of distance and her schedule, but they are working on them. It is worth it to be with a guy like this who really cares about her so much.”
My shoulder joint is held together with duct tape and Old Brown Glue from reaching so much, but let me reach some more. Robin Wright is sort of like an older Charlize Theron to me. She’s a hot skinny blond who is made of ice, is a little scary and will slit your throat with her razor sharp bitch glare if say hi to her at SoulCycle. And Ben Foster is sort of like a younger Sean Penn. He looks like he has the sense of humor of an overworked IRS auditor and gives me “strict stepfather who is always in the garage working on mysterious ‘projects’” vibes. Robin and Sean definitely have a type. I don’t know if Robin and Ben look like they’re doing Charlize and Sean cosplay or if Charlize and Sean look like they’re doing Robin and Ben cosplay.
Here’s Robin and Ben at the Armani Prive show in Paris on Tuesday. Giorgio Armani looks delicious. He’s all silver and golden brown. He looks like a baked potato loosely wrapped in foil.
The dampest, dirtiest rag at the bottom of the laundry room rag bag Sean Penn has been married twice and divorced twice to two very famous people (Madonna and Jen-nay from Forrest Gump), but according to Sean Penn, neither of those count, and if he got married to Charlize Theron, the woman he is possibly maybe engaged to, it would be his first. Sean Penn – who has also claimed in the past that no one has ever loved him – tells Esquire UK (via UsWeekly):
“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”
Don’t worry, I’m sure both Madonna and Robin Wright also like to pretend they were never married to Sean Penn. And I’m sure if you asked them, they’d use the same excuse. “Yeah, it doesn’t count because I wasn’t properly informed that I was marrying a talking sphincter.” Although according to Sean Penn, he’s still on good terms with his first ex-wife and his second ex-wife….’s kids:
“I’m very friendly with my first ex-wife. I would say that I’m on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”
“Thanks, Dad” hissed Sean’s two kids with Robin Wright. “Save that thought for the future when someone asks you about our relationship” thought Baby Jackson. But back to that whole “first marriage” thing. Does that mean that if Sean gets married to Charlize, he’ll refer to her as his “first wife”? I know it should technically be “my future third ex-wife”, but “first wife” works too, I guess. But at least he’s sort of self aware:
“I’m just another asshole trying to feel good about himself. And why shouldn’t I? That’s what everybody should try to do.”
That’s good, but there are too many words after “asshole”.
I know, Goopy Paltrow really should’ve steamed her Apple Maker™ before putting on that crooked labia jumpsuit, because her camel toe looks all wrinkly and disheveled. I mean, if you’re going to anoint your vagina the face of vagina cleaning, then your coochie should always look freshly pressed.
In the near future, you can expect to turn on the TV and see a commercial for Stanley Steemer’s all-new service: vagina steaming! For just the low price of $49.99, a Stanley Steemer (more like Stanley SteamHER) technician will come to your home and steam the toxins right out of your pussy. Call 1-800-STEEEEEEEEEEMER, Stanley Steemer gets your cooch cleaner! You can thank Goopy for that.
Vagina steaming is nothing new. It’s been around for centuries and has been offered in fancy spas here in the US for at least a couple of years. Some say that it helps with menstrual cramps. But Goopy’s poon has discovered it and now she’s really trying to make it happen. A Korean holistic spa in Santa Monica called Tikkun offers up a service where you sit on a fancy toilet and infared and “mugworth steam” rises up into your poon and supposedly cleanses your uterus. It’s the closest thing you’ll get to knowing what it feels like to get bareback fucked by an overheated ghost. The service is called the Mugworth V-Steam, which sounds like a Harry Potter character played by Tilda Swinton.
Actually, scratch that – Chelsea Handler’s tits are almost always out, and she’s almost always riding something while they’re out, so it’s technically not that random. Random would be if she were giving that camel a piggy-back ride with her shirt on. Don’t worry, she could handle the weight of a camel; she has that super-human alkie strength.
Drunk Uncle’s ex-wife is currently in Jerusalem for some kind of spiritual vacation (that or she heard of a place where she can buy Manischewitz in 55 gallon drums), and yesterday it looks like she went for a topless camel ride. You know, as one does. Chelsea posted the picture of her riding a truly depressed-looking camel with a pair of Jewish titty stickers to Instagram with the caption:
“A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And, You don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim“
Yes, Chelsea Handler will unite the Middle East with her Titties of Togetherness. Mostly because shortly after she posted this picture, both Muslims and Jews (and Christians and Atheists and Pastafarians and Scientologists) all agreed that bitch needs to put her shirt back on.
And you know that somewhere under a pile of dirty thongs and rolling papers, Miley Cyrus is looking at this picture and having an Ebenezer Scrooge moment. “Oh shit y’all, it’s the ghost of mah future!”