Emile Hirsch, an actor type who we haven’t really heard much of since the mid-2000s, is currently giving us a reason to say the name “Emile Hirsch“, but not for the reason he (and I’m sure his agent) would like. On Monday, it was reported that Emile Hirsch had gotten physical with a female Paramount Pictures executive at a club at the Sundance Film Festival, but not much else was known besides the fact that it was messy and the cops were called. Two days later, Page Six has the details, and this shit is pretty trashy.
Page Six says it all went down at 3:30am on Sunday morning at Tao Nightclub. According to a source, 29-year-old Emile, who is at Sundance to promote his film Ten Thousand Saints, was apparently drunk as hell and started “aggressively picking on” 31-year-old Paramount executive Dani Bernfeld. The source claims Emile suddenly snapped, and “pushed Dani up against a table, and then he put her in a headlock.” Another source, who refers to what Emile did as a “chokehold”, adds:
“He attacked her from behind — he completely blindsided her after he’d been shit-talking and was already led away from her once.”
Eventually the police were called and a witness says Emile calmly explained the situation and wasn’t arrested. Park City police are currently investigating the incident and are deciding if charges should be filed. Uh, I’m no lawyer, but I’d say “being a drunk disaster and putting someone in a chokehold” is still an arrestable offense, right?
And how the fuck did this trashy shit happen at the Sundance Film Festival? I always thought that out of all the film festivals, Venice was the classy grandma, Cannes was the messy drunk aunt, Toronto was the low-budget brother, and Sundance was the chill cabin-dwelling cousin. Damn Sundance, what happened? You’ve turned into the drunk uncle who puts you in a headlock. Robert Redford, get your film festival together.
Since season 6 of RuPaul’s Drag Race ended, it feels like we’ve all had dozens of birthdays, the Duggars have birthed out 90 more children and we all have grey pubes. It feels like it’s been decades since Drag Race has graced our screens. To quote Old Rose in Titanic: “It’s been 84 years…” But bitch is finally come back.
On March 2nd, Drag Race will serve up more C.U.N.T. (charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent) but they’ll do it without Santino Ross there to look the queens up and down with his droopy dog eyes. Drag Race is cutting out a whole lot of Rice from their diet for season 7. Santino Rice has been replaced by Carson Kressley and Ross Matthews, the dude who holds the Guinness World Record for being called “mam” at fast food drive-thrus at least two thousand times. Carson and Ross at the same judges’ table?! If Ru wanted to put together the most hyper humans on Earth, she needs to give herself a victory pat on the taint, because she achieved her mission. RIP to my TV speakers, because Ross and Carson are going to blow those whores out. If Ross and Carson ever argue at the judges’ table, it’s going to sound like the time I was in TopShop at The Grove and some chick’s Pomeranian and Chihuahua started fighting in her purse. I’m guessing future Celebrity Big Brother UK winner Michelle Visage kept a rhinestone-encrusted taser at her side just in case she needed to tame those hyper bitches.
Santino Rice will be back as a guest judge, though. Other guests judges are: original judge Merle Ginsburg, Ariana Grande Latte, John Waters, Olivia Newton-John, Rebecca Romjin, Jessica Alba, Demi Lovato, Scary Spice, Tamar Braxon, Kathy Griffin, Isaac Mizrahi, Kat Dennings, Michael Urie, Rachael Harris, Alyssa Milano, Lucian Pine and Jordin Sparks.
They had me at Olivia. Newton. John. And I’m surprised Isaac Mizrahi found time to guest judge in between teaching astrology classes at MIT.
Color Me An Apricot Shade Of Shocked: Lindsay Lohan Managed To Complete Her Community Service In Time (UPDATE)
Well, it’s official: time travel has been discovered, and the first person to use it correctly is that sneaky sunset-colored con artist Lindsay Lohan so she could go back in time and complete 15 days worth of community service hours before her court date this morning. I don’t know how she did it, but according to TMZ, she did it. This is surely one of the signs of the end times, and I just got really, really nervous.
TMZ says that Community Serve Volunteers in London will send a letter to Lindsay’s lawyer Shawn Holley confirming that she has completed all 240 hours of her required community service. If you see the person in charge of writing reference letters at Community Service Volunteers wearing a fur coat and carrying a self tanner-stained Birkin bag, you’ll know why. NO! I’m sure the Apricot Ashtray didn’t do anything shady to get that letter. She totally got that letter fair and square by busting her ass and servicing the community.
LiLo’s completion of her delinquent community service hours means that she doesn’t have to worry about going back to jail. Please join me in a round of boisterous laughter, because we all know that would never happen. Besides, jail doesn’t want her – they already have a hard enough time keeping jail clean without having to worry about yanking a 27-inch long clump of busted orange hair extensions from the shower drain every morning.
And now that all this messy community service business is behind her, LiLo can finally get back to her true passion: going on vacation!
UPDATE: Radar says the prosecutor who met with Shawn Holley in court this morning is calling shenanigans on LiLo’s community service hours. Apparently LiLo listed a bunch of dates she was stuck in the hospital dealing with that Chikungunya virus as days she logged community service hours. You know you’re next-level lazy when you can’t even be bothered to lie properly.
Scientology TommyGirl file: Aberrant fantasy with Nicole Kidman #35. – mumbles
Star Trick: The Next Degeneration. - A “Very Ghey” NightWriter
Bart, the cat who was hit by a car, declared dead, buried and five days later crawled out of his grave and went home to get fed. Zombie cat lives!
Over a week ago, Bart was hit by a car and knocked the hell out near his home in Tampa. Bart was pronounced dead and both Fox 13 and Fox 29 don’t say who pronounced him dead. If it was a vet, then I’m assuming that vet bought their degree for $5 off of the Internet and got their training from playing with the Barbie vet play set. Fox 13 (via People) says that Bart’s human Ellis Hutson was so upset about Bart’s death that he couldn’t dig a grave himself. So he asked a neighbor to dig a grave in his backyard. Ellis says he watched his neighbor bury his friend. Ellis figured that the angels took Bart to the great big Q-tip in the sky and began mourning him. But five days later, Bart rose from the dead and dug himself out of that grave. The potent fuckery that lives in the Florida air and all the meth in the soil probably brought Bart back to life.
Ellis’s neighbor found Bart pawing around her yard and meowing for food. Bart was taken to the Tampa Bay Humane Society where vets discovered that he was in a bad way. He had a broken jaw, a busted head and he lost sight in one eye. They told Ellis that the car accident knocked him out instead of killing him and when he came to a few days later, he got himself out of that grave. Ellis’ hotly-named neighbor Dusty Albritton believes that it’s a miracle and God brought him back to life. Bart is our new Jesus and we should worship him accordingly!
“The only thing I can think of is that this is God’s miracle. And I thought, why five days later? If Bart was alive before, he would have come to our homes earlier. All I can think of is that God created animal life on the fifth day.”
Ellis can’t afford to pay the $2,000 vet bill, so the Humane Society is going to cover it for him. It’s going to take at least six weeks, but Bart is expected to make a full recovery.
Pet Cemetery is REAL!
Ellis, Dusty Albritton, the driver of the car who hit Bart and the vet who declared Bart dead (if a vet declared Bart dead, which I don’t think one did) better join the Witness Protection Program and move out of state. Because Bart is back and he’s going to get revenge on those who wrote him off as dead. Actually, Bart is probably going to come after all us humans for doing him wrong. I always knew the zombie apocalypse would be led by a bad ass pussy from Florida.
(For Kelly and Justin L)
Nick Carter (35)
Ariel Winter (17)
Will Poulter (22)
J. Cole (30)
Camila Alves (33)
Elijah Wood (34)
Joey Fatone (38)
Rick Ross (39)
Kathryn Morris (46)
Mo Rocca (46)
DJ Muggs (47)
Sarah McLachlan (47)
Keith Hamilton Cobb (53)
Frank Darabont (56)
Nicolas Sarkozy (60)
Barbi Benton (65)
Alan Alda (79)
Presenting, Gloom and Doom at the Chanel couture show in Paris today. If you’re thinking that Kunty Karl looks more miserable and grumpy than usual, it’s because minutes before that picture was taken he put his lips up to Kristen Stewart’s mouth to suck her soul out and nothing came out! Ghoul is hungry – Lainey Gossip
After Taylor Swift’s bellybutton shocked the Internet, it went back into hiding – Drunken Stepfather
Tom Sandoval’s supposed jump-off talks about having shitty period sex with him – Reality Tea
Screw Chris Pratt as Indiana Jones. Since they’re doing an all-female Ghostbusters, they should do an all-female Indiana Jones starring Kimmy Gibbler – The Superficial
Rebel Wilson thinks that fat chicks do better in comedy and nobody really finds hot people funny. Um, she obviously doesn’t know of the most beautiful and funniest woman in the world Ann Jillian – Jezebel
At the end of the rebooted Fantastic Four trailer when that guy says, “Get ready for what’s coming?” and Miles Teller say, ”What is coming?” I thought the other guy was going to say, “I am cumming.” I’ve been watching a lot of porn, obviously – Towleroad
I don’t go to the gym, but if I did, the first picture would be me – The Berry
And here’s your minute-ly dose of Hilary Duff walking – Popoholic
What in Knott’s Berry Farm character costume HELL is Jason Momoa wearing? – Celebitchy
Netflix sticks the tip in by releasing a teaser trailer for the Wet Hot American Summer series – Pajiba
Pirate booty (and it’s not Johnny Depp’s) alert! - OMG Blog
Woman’s Day made Duchess Kate look like a strung out and stoned Meat Loaf – Popsugar
The low tide jokes write themselves. Right, Brandi Glanville? – Hollywood Tuna
Channing Tatum impersonated his kid taking a caca, because that’s something the world needed to see – HuffPo
Katie Holmes is going to be on Ray Donovan and here’s hoping that Abby Donovan unleashes a can of Irish crazy on her ass – ICYDK
Cindra Ladd becomes the 4,567,987,987th woman in the world to accuse Bill Cosby of rape - Just Jared
FYI: Mandy Moore looked like a lost Brady as a kid – SOW
Shiiiiiiiiit! Well, so much for my dream cast of Charo, Taraji P. Henson as Cookie Lyon, Phoebe Price and Detective La Toya Jackson.
During the past few months, we were told that the Ghostbusters reboot was going to star Jennifer Lawrence, then Emma Stone, then Rebel Wilson, then Lizzy Caplan, then Amy Schumer and then the girl at your local Starbucks who always write a heart over the i in your name. After months of rumors, director Paul Feig, who created Freaks & Geeks and did Bridesmaids, finally tweeted pictures of the actual cast today. The Hollywood Reporter confirms that Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon are very close to officially signing on to be the new Ghostbusters. You know Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig, and you also know Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon if you’re watching the current season of Saturday Night Live since they’re both on that shit.
THR says that this Ghostbusters is a reboot and not a continuation of the original. They’re not going to be the daughters of the first Ghostbusters or anything. In an e-mail from the Sony hack, Paul Feig told Sony’s Amy Pascal that he wants Peter Dinklage to play the villain. HitFlix also posted what may be a plot detail:
Erin Gabler and Abby Bergman are the first two leads, and as the film begins, they are former colleagues. They co-wrote a book about the paranormal together, then went in different directions. Erin works for Columbia, and she’s getting close to tenure, while Abby is more involved in the pursuit of ghosts, with a new partner named Jillian. In a world where there are thirty different “Ghost Hunters” style TV shows out there, the set-up makes sense, and it sets up a tension between serious academic motives and mainstream pop parapsychology.
If I was guessing, I’d bet Wiig is Erin, Jones is Abby, and McKinnon is Jillian. That’s because I’m almost positive Patty, an MTA subway ticket employee who stumbles across the main ghost in the film, is going to be McCarthy. Seems like a perfect fit for her, and I can see how all four of them will fit together as a team.
I cannot produce any feelings about a Ghostbusters reboot until I know two things:
1. Does Sigourney Weaver reprise her role as Dana/Zuul in it?
2. If Sigourney Weaver is in it, which one of those four ladies is she going to try to scissor with?
If you’re ever out of lube and Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just rub your genitals all over his oily hair. If you’re abuelita wants to make some fried platanos and she’s all out of lard, but Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just tell her to rub her pan all over his manteca hair. If your car is out of oil and you don’t have any Penzoil, but Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just put his head over the oil reservoir thing and wring his hair out. (Side note: Car engineers should really develop a car that runs on the grease that’s in Johnny Depp’s hair.) The grease in Johnny Depp’s hair has so many uses!
Even though Mortahoweveryouspellthatshit flopped hard here in the US, Johnny Depp and his caretaker Amber Heard were sent over to Tokyo to sell that mess in hopes that the studio can make some money off of that moustache’d turd. The people of Japan love horror movies, so they should market that shit as the most torturous 107 minutes of cinema ever. The premiere was in Tokyo tonight and Johnny waved at all of his fans while looking like a cross between a hobo Snape and KD Lang as the girl in The Grudge. I also threw in pictures of Johnny and Amber at the airport in Tokyo yesterday. She looks like an Amish nurse and he looks like the pilled-up recluse she was hired to take care of.
And you probably couldn’t read any of that because the grease in Johnny’s mop bled through your screen and you’re busy wiping that mess away with the thicker, quicker picker-upper.
Pics: Reuters, Wenn.com
While vintage postcard person Taylor Swift was on vacation in Hawaii with her current girl clique (the Haim girls), TMZ says some evil butterscotch-hating hacker types correctly guessed her password (livelovelaugh123) and hacked into her Twitter and Instagram accounts. Unfortunately, it appears this was their first celebrity social media hack and they didn’t realize you’re supposed to post pictures of dicks or tweet stuff like “@poofacts: My favorite sandwiches are hot doo doo sandwiches #yum“, because TMZ says the only damage they did was give a couple shout-outs to some fellow hacker types. Amateurs!
Taylor’s confirmed her shit got hacked by posting a message on her Tumblr saying that Twitter had locked her account and were in the process of changing her passwords. That’s when the hackers claimed to have nudie pictures of Tay Tay and were threatening to release them. Thankfully, the tech team at Twitter was able to get Tay Tay’s Twitter account back up so she could slap at the hackers and call BS on the existence of said nude pics:
However, the hackers did release several screenshots of alleged DMs between Tay Tay and some famous types, like Nick Jonas. Then again, the use of phrases like “Are we bad kids now?” and “You’re whalecome” make me think that it might just be the online correspondence of some random 13-year-old girl. Either way, I’m sure Tay Tay’s cat Detective Olivia Benson already has several suspects in custody and is in the process of interrogating them.
And does anyone know if Diplo has an alibi?