Archives: January 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Evidence Of Taylor Swift’s Belly Button

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

You’re probably like “I should I care about this trick’s belly button why?“, but this is very important and you should drop whatever it is you’re doing and pay attention for this BREAKING NEWS. Living paper doll Taylor Swift once said that your eyes will never know what her butterscotch pocket looks like, because she wanted to keep it a mystery. Naturally, I assumed it was because she didn’t actually have a belly button, and seeing her belly button-absent stomach would prove once and for all that she was born in the Mattel factory along with all the other Apple White Ever After High dolls.

But then yesterday she threw up a picture of herself on vacation in Hawaii with her current best friends, the Haim girls, to Instagram, and it looks like I was wrong. Tay Tay has an actual, human belly button. Then again, she might actually just be wearing a one-piece with a picture of a stomach printed on the front. You know, like those cover up t-shirts with a picture of a sexy bikini body on them (aka the state flower of Florida). That’s got to be it. I see you, you sneaky come-to-life doll.

And you know that Leonardo DiCaprio just looked at this picture and started panicking because he thought 4 of his 40 models took off with the S. S. Snatch Catcher’s only life boat.

Pic: Instagram

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And Now For The Time Gwyneth Paltrow Made Dinner And Everybody Threw Up

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

And shockingly, it wasn’t from the overwhelming nauseous feeling they got from hearing Gwyneth Paltrow talk about how perfect Gwyneth Paltrow is all evening. It was from food! That’s right, famous cookbook author Gwyneth Paltrow admitted on The Rachael Ray Show (via Glamour) Friday morning that she once made a meal that made everyone fill the 17th century gilded French porcelain toilets in her home with hot barf. Now, I’ve read both of Goopy’s cookbooks, and I’d say that roughly 79% of what I saw gave me the heaves (so many vegetables and not ONE recipe for Frito Pie). But according to Goopy, it wasn’t because she was serving her guests some kind of disgusting pickled heirloom kholrabi over mashed sunchoke bullshit; it was because she screwed up the recipe for eggplant parmesan.

“I went to the store and bought some eggplant, a jar of tomato sauce, and some really rubbery mozzarella cheese. I didn’t know that when you cook eggplant, you first have to sweat it to get all the bitter juice out, and I didn’t realize that you also have to bread eggplant parmesan and fry it before. So I put slices of raw eggplant with jarred tomato sauce and mozzarella. And everyone threw up.”

Goopy then added “…and I don’t blame them; I too would throw up if someone had the audacity to serve me something as vulgar as store-bought tomato sauce from a jar. Normally I make my own by hand-crushing imported San Marzano tomatoes harvested from a 276-year-old farm and cultivated by a man known only as Giuseppe, but I guess I suffered some sort of brain stroke and thought it would be acceptable to use jarred sauce.

And Gwyneth must not have learned anything from watching people barf up her food, because on Thursday she triggered more gag reflexes by posting a recipe for Sex Bark on Goop. From what I’ve gleaned, Sex Bark is a chocolate-based snack made from something called “Sex Dust”, which sounds like something a Mummy’s cooze makes when it gets horny (aaaand I just barfed all over my keyboard).

Good News, Everyone: Richard Simmons Is Fine!

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

No, this isn’t a recent picture of Richard Simmons, but I like to imagine this is how he answered the door for the police officers who came by to check up on him to prove he was A-OK. “Dispatch, this is Officer Brown. I have received visual confirmation that Richard Simmons is still a vivacious elf. Over.

You should be throwing your arms in the air to Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” and giving praise to the legwarmer-wearing gods above today, because after many months of wondering about the health and wellness of Richard Simmons, TMZ says that he’s doing alright. That wooshing sound you just heard was a giant sigh of relief from anyone who has ever jumped on one of those tiny trampolines in their basement while watching a VHS copy of Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

According to TMZ, one of Richard’s friends sent an email to the L.A. County District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit last month claiming that 66-year-old Richard was being abused by someone who was clearly looking for a one-way ticket to Hell. So on Friday night around 7pm, two LAPD officers paid a visit to Richard’s house to investigate. When the cops showed up, they were greeted by Richard himself, who invited them in to his home, because Richard is a true gentleman and perfect host.

The police officers spent an hour with Richard and reported that he was “articulate, lucid, relaxed” and appreciative of their concern, adding that he couldn’t have been nicer and more gracious. They say Richard explained to them he’s has been hiding out at home because he’s “exhausted” from spending the past 30 years as a public person. That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. Imagine spending 30 years being Richard Simmons? Even cocaine is like “I don’t know where he finds the energy.

They also say he’s still walking with a limp because of his bum knee, and that he has a beard now (which I bet makes him look super handsome, like a young Bob Ross). Richard also explained why he hasn’t been to his Beverly Hills fitness studio recently, saying “I’ve got people who run things. I don’t need to be there.” Truth! Richard, you’re rich and old and put in your time; you deserve to sit back and let someone else do the click clack!

And In “Everybody Is Quitting Marriage” News, Patrick Dempsey’s Wife Jillian Fink Just Filed For Diviorce

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

First Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, now McDreamy and McWifey? What’s next? Kim Kardashian announcing that she’s quitting her marriage to Kurrent Husband Kanye? Actually, statistically speaking, the odds on that one happening are pretty good – I really should have gone with a less obvious couple.

According to TMZ, sexy salt and pepper PDILF (pretend doctor I’d like to fuck) Patrick Dempsey and makeup artist Jillian Finke are calling it quits after 15 years of marriage. 15 years! That’s nearly 96 in Hollywood Marriage Years. TMZ says Jillian was the one who filed for divorce, is seeking joint custody of their 3 kids, child support, and spousal support, and cited the classic Hollywood reason for quitting a bitch: irreconcilable differences. And it sounds like shit might start to get messy, because they don’t have a prenup and McDreamy is apparently McLoaded. According to TMZ, Patrick Dempsey is worth around $40 million. Oooh, get it girl – you can buy an awful lot of makeup brushes with $20 million.

Of course, they also released a statement:

“It is with careful consideration and mutual respect that we have decided to end our marriage.  Our primary concern remains the well-being of our children, and we ask with profound gratitude that you respect our family’s privacy at this very sensitive time.”

Again, no “It is with a heavy heart“? What is with you people? Then again, maybe they’re saving the drama for divorce court. A source claims that “it remains to be seen whether it will be amicable“, because apparently Jillian is all about the kids, while Patrick is all about his huge ego. Wait, does this mean we can expect to see Patrick’s lawyer call Patrick’s boss Shonda Rhimes as a character witness during their messy divorce proceedings? “Your honor, my client can’t be a raging egomaniac – his boss has a very strict No Assholes policy.

Mandy Moore And Ryan Adams Are Calling It Quits On Their Marriage

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

If you ever spent a Friday night trying to learn the dance moves to “Candy” and searching classified ads for a lime green VW beetle to do them in front of (either in your youth or like, last night – I’m not here to judge your choices), then this news is going to hit you hard. UsWeekly says that after 6 years of marriage, come-to-life Disney princess Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams singer Ryan Adams are calling it quits. I know, cue the “I Wanna Be With You” and weep into a hipster scarf. Couples who dye their hair the same shade of Auburn Mist together are supposed to last forever, goddamnit!

Mandy’s rep (who I’m pretending is named Candy, because why the hell not) confirmed the news to UsWeekly via this very PR-sounding statement:

“Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have mutually decided to end their marriage of almost 6 years. It is a respectful, amicable parting of ways and both Mandy and Ryan are asking for media to respect their privacy at this time.”

Wait, no “It is with a heavy heart?“, aka the “Over the moon” of divorce statements? Come on Candy, you can do better than that! Give it a lil’ pizzazz. Maybe something like “It was truly a Walk To Remember, but after 6 years of marriage, these two are getting a divorce.” Sorry, I would have thrown in a joke about a Ryan Adams song, but I honestly can’t think of one. It’s not his fault – my brain is filled to capacity with remixes of “Check The O.R.“.

And I blame this on Mandy’s appearance in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie Christmas in Conway. Hallmark movies are always breaking up marriages! Wait, that’s Lifetime movies, you say? Eh, it’s all the same.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

This dog who proves that the struggle is real and the struggle never ends.

This video is the visual metaphor for life. Aren’t we all just a dog going after a rock in the pond? When life throws us a rock into a shallow pond, we go after that rock and we show our asses and get wet while doing so. After we’ve finally pulled out that rock and dropped it on the ground, we’re ready to celebrate our victory by toking up and getting drunk on wine coolers. Just when we’re about to shuffle off to the bar, that goddamn shitty rock has to roll back into the pond and we have to do it all over again while some mean bitch laughs at us and records it to send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos. You know, because life’s struggles are funny.

That poor ass dog. I bet that rock still rolled into the water after he put it on the grass and he’s still fetching it to this day.

via Buzzfeed (For Theresa)

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Birthday Sluts

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Jerry Maren, the last surviving original Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz (95)
Jade Ewen (27)
Mischa Barton (29)
Frankie “Social Media Mogul” Grande (32)
Nicole Lenz (35)
Tatyana Ali (36)
Kyle Brandt (36)
Kristen Schaal (37)
Ed Helms (41)
Beth Hart (43)
Kenya Moore (44)
Matthew Lillard (45)
Mary Lou Retton (47)
Nastassja Kinski (54)
Jools Holland (57)
Yakov Smirnoff (64)
Daniel Auteuil (65)
Gennifer Flowers (65)
Neil Diamond (74)
Aaron Neville (74)

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Night Crumbs

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

The first still of the gay threesome scene from the movie I Am Michael starring James Franco, Zachary Quinto and Charlie Carver from Desperate Housewives is out. You can’t see all of James Franco’s mug in that picture, but I bet if you could you would see him making a face that clearly said, “This gay threesome would be so much hotter if both of these dudes were clones of me.”  - Just Jared

Okay, where can I buy a ticket to get a ride on the back of Chris Pratt’s bike, because that is the life. You get to stay seated and look at his ass the whole time – Lainey Gossip 

Presenting DJ Fuck That Bitch KateThe Superficial

If you’re wondering if you should binge watch Transparent on Saturday for free, I have five words that may convince you to do it: Judith Light is in it – Towleroad

I really want to see this dog in a remake of Into The BlueHollywood Tuna

Dear Rita Ora, please kindly stop it with that wig, because you are not Ann JillianDrunken Stepfather

And I’m sure the last thing Teresa Giudice said to her daughter after their prison visit was, “Now make sure you tell the media about this, honey.”Reality Tea

Sam Taylor-Johnson wants you to fuck off if you have a problem with her getting young, hot dick – Celebitchy

I know you probably look at pictures of man nipples all day (I know I do), but if you need more to look at, here you go – The Berry

Crisis averted: The Sun is still going to show tits – WWTDD

Um, can somebody please tell me where to pick up an application to be a team trainer for the Clippers? – Popsugar

Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend got coffee the other day and they probably took a shit afterward, but the paparazzi didn’t get picture confirmation of that…yet – Popoholic

Movie Acting Is Hard by Benedict CumberbatchICYDK

Poke at me when they make Celebrity Sex Box and Sofia Vergara and Joe ManJello are contestants and the box is made of glass – SOW

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Anthony Mackie Thinks A Woman’s Role Is To Make Daddy A Sandwich

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, Anthony Mackie is one of those who wants his girlfriend to call him “daddy.”

Anthony Mackie’s mouth is on a roll! Anthony Mackie’s mouth got him into some shit the other day when he said in an interview with theGrio that Selma got snubbed at the Oscars, because people are tired of being bombarded with race. Anthony also said that black guys with dreadlocks shouldn’t be surprised when the police think they’re up to no good and they’re part of the police violence problem. Anthony cried that he was lied to and he was promised that his words were off the record, but theGrio delivered the receipts in the form of video of the interview that proved otherwise. And well, his mouth is back!

Anthony was on Wendy Williams and she brought up his thoughts on gender roles. Anthony, who has been with his girlfriend since the 2nd grade, told Wendy that he’s Southern so he believes that if a dude mows the lawn and opens up her car door, his woman better make him a goddamn sandwich and she better call him daddy. Even Wendy said that she’s grossed out by chicks who call their man “daddy.” But Anthony kept on and kept on and said that men want to be called daddy and they want that sandwich! The daddy and sandwich talks starts at around the 5:25 mark:

Kaley Cuoco just fell in love for real.

Never mind that you’re probably looking at me like, “Michael, stop playing and don’t act like you’ve never called a dude daddy before, you nasty, gross slut,” what is it with these “make me sammy” types always wanting a simple sandwich. It is 2015 and they should go harder. I mean, if they’re going to be doing hard labor like open a car door and push a lawn mower, they should except more than a simple sandwich. They should expect their woman to make the bread herself, slaughter the pig for the ham, grow her own lettuce, whip a bunch of eggs into mayo and while she’s doing that, she better iron his chonies before stitching the words “my daddy” into them. All he wants is a simple sandwich? Come on, Anthony!

And when Wendy asked Anthony what kind of sandwich his woman makes for daddy, he said, “Ham usually, but she adds this delicious spread that’s pretty slimy and green. Daddy loves it!

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