Archives: January 2015

Twice-Married Sean Penn Says Charlize Theron Would Be His “First Marriage”

January 29, 2015 / Posted by:

The dampest, dirtiest rag at the bottom of the laundry room rag bag Sean Penn has been married twice and divorced twice to two very famous people (Madonna and Jen-nay from Forrest Gump), but according to Sean Penn, neither of those count, and if he got married to Charlize Theron, the woman he is possibly maybe engaged to, it would be his first. Sean Penn – who has also claimed in the past that no one has ever loved him – tells Esquire UK (via UsWeekly):

“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”

Don’t worry, I’m sure both Madonna and Robin Wright also like to pretend they were never married to Sean Penn. And I’m sure if you asked them, they’d use the same excuse. “Yeah, it doesn’t count because I wasn’t properly informed that I was marrying a talking sphincter.” Although according to Sean Penn, he’s still on good terms with his first ex-wife and his second ex-wife….’s kids:

“I’m very friendly with my first ex-wife. I would say that I’m on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”

Thanks, Dad” hissed Sean’s two kids with Robin Wright. “Save that thought for the future when someone asks you about our relationship” thought Baby Jackson. But back to that whole “first marriage” thing. Does that mean that if Sean gets married to Charlize, he’ll refer to her as his “first wife”? I know it should technically be “my future third ex-wife”, but “first wife” works too, I guess. But at least he’s sort of self aware:

“I’m just another asshole trying to feel good about himself. And why shouldn’t I? That’s what everybody should try to do.”

That’s good, but there are too many words after “asshole”.

Got A Vagina? Goopy Paltrow Thinks You Should Steam It

January 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I know, Goopy Paltrow really should’ve steamed her Apple Maker™ before putting on that crooked labia jumpsuit, because her camel toe looks all wrinkly and disheveled. I mean, if you’re going to anoint your vagina the face of vagina cleaning, then your coochie should always look freshly pressed.

In the near future, you can expect to turn on the TV and see a commercial for Stanley Steemer’s all-new service: vagina steaming! For just the low price of $49.99, a Stanley Steemer (more like Stanley SteamHER) technician will come to your home and steam the toxins right out of your pussy. Call 1-800-STEEEEEEEEEEMER, Stanley Steemer gets your cooch cleaner! You can thank Goopy for that.

Vagina steaming is nothing new. It’s been around for centuries and has been offered in fancy spas here in the US for at least a couple of years. Some say that it helps with menstrual cramps. But Goopy’s poon has discovered it and now she’s really trying to make it happen. A Korean holistic spa in Santa Monica called Tikkun offers up a service where you sit on a fancy toilet and infared and “mugworth steam” rises up into your poon and supposedly cleanses your uterus. It’s the closest thing you’ll get to knowing what it feels like to get bareback fucked by an overheated ghost. The service is called the Mugworth V-Steam, which sounds like a Harry Potter character played by Tilda Swinton.

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Here’s Your Definition Of Random For The Day: Chelsea Handler’s Topless Tits On A Camel

January 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Actually, scratch that – Chelsea Handler’s tits are almost always out, and she’s almost always riding something while they’re out, so it’s technically not that random. Random would be if she were giving that camel a piggy-back ride with her shirt on. Don’t worry, she could handle the weight of a camel; she has that super-human alkie strength.

Drunk Uncle’s ex-wife is currently in Jerusalem for some kind of spiritual vacation (that or she heard of a place where she can buy Manischewitz in 55 gallon drums), and yesterday it looks like she went for a topless camel ride. You know, as one does. Chelsea posted the picture of her riding a truly depressed-looking camel with a pair of Jewish titty stickers to Instagram with the caption:

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And, You don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim

Yes, Chelsea Handler will unite the Middle East with her Titties of Togetherness. Mostly because shortly after she posted this picture, both Muslims and Jews (and Christians and Atheists and Pastafarians and Scientologists) all agreed that bitch needs to put her shirt back on.

And you know that somewhere under a pile of dirty thongs and rolling papers, Miley Cyrus is looking at this picture and having an Ebenezer Scrooge moment. “Oh shit y’all, it’s the ghost of mah future!

Pic: Instagram

Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Boo Boo Kitty, Shirley’s best friend and true sidekick since childhood from Laverne & Shirley!

Cookie Lyon from Empire has only graced our screens with her bad bitch business woman realness for just a few weeks, but she’s already become an American icon for bringing back Alex Carrington-levels of glamour and for making America remember one of TV’s most important stuffed animals. Cookie Lyon calls her ex-husband’s piece “Boo Boo Kitty” all the time. Just like Boo Boo Kitty the stuffed animal, his ex-piece is tall, skinny, almost bald-headed and usually has a snobby stank look on her face like she can’t stand the scent of peasants.

Next to Rhonda, Boo Boo Kitty was my favorite character from Laverne & Shirley. Boo Boo Kitty was emotionally complex, always kept it real and it would always roll its eyes at the dumb shit that Laverne and Shirley go into. Yes, Boo Boo Kitty’s eyes were stitched to look like that, but still. And yes, it was really weird and beyond insane that a grown woman talked to her childhood stuffed animal and read it stories and shit, but you can’t call Shirley batshit crazy for that. You’d do the same thing if you had Boo Boo Kitty.

It’s a damn shame that Boo Boo Kitty’s agents were so incompetent. They should’ve threatened to walk if the network didn’t change the name of the show to The Boo Boo Kitty Show featuring Laverne & Shirley. Boo Boo Kitty was the star!

I wonder what happened to Boo Boo Kitty?  Did that jealous hussy Laverne bury Boo Boo Kitty in the backyard, because she could no longer stand that Shirley loved that stuffed bitch more than her? If that happened, Boo Boo Kitty probably crawled out of its grave 5 days later and haunted Laverne forever. My guess is that Boo Boo Kitty ran away with Squiggy. He had the look of a Plushie.

And FYI: Boo Boo Kitty fanfiction exists.

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Birthday Sluts

January 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Tom Selleck (70)
Isabel Lucas (30)
Brynne Edelsten (32)
Adam Lambert (33)
Riff Raff (33)
Jonny Lang (34)
Jason James Richter (35)
Andrew Keegan (36)
Justin Hartley (38)
Sara Gilbert (40)
Kelly Packard (40)
Heather Graham (45)
Sam Trammell (46)
Edward Burns (47)
Greg Louganis (55)
Oprah Winfrey (61)
Charlie Wilson (62)
Ann Jillian (65)
Cristina Saralegui (67)
Katharine Ross (75)

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Night Crumbs

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Cameron Diaz and her husband Benji Madden (Note: It feels weird typing that) touched lips on the Kiss Cam at the Lakers game last night. Are we really sure they’re touching lips? Are we sure that she isn’t chewing off that jacked up pube beard on his face? – Lainey Gossip 

Helena Christensen and her extra arms look hot in Marie Claire MehicoDrunken Stepfather

GoDaddy’s marketing department prematurely released a Super Bowl commercial they knew would get people pissed off and then toasted with crystal flutes full of puppy tears when they got the attention they wanted – Celebitchy

NeNe Leakes got her lawyers to throw a cease and desist letter at Kenya Moore. But what I want to know is , when are lawyers for Claudia Jordan’s clit going to send a cease and desist letter to NeNe Leakes? – Reality Tea

Kelly Bensimon’s titty sacks are still at war and want to be nowhere near each other – WWTDD

Lance Bass and his husband talk about their E! wedding special, but didn’t answer my only question: Is your wedding special going to have full frontal of what? – Towleroad

Jessica Alba’s ass looks like this when she works out – The Superficial

Jessica Alba’s ass looks like this next to a carton of coconut water - Hollywood Tuna

Elizabeth Olsen is giving me Republican politician’s wife in House of Cards glamour – Popoholic

Bet your house, car and EVERYTHING you own on the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl, because Teddy Bear is the Miss Cleo of porcupines and is never wrong – The Berry

That gambling millionaire douche from Instagram has a peen and it looks like this, if you haven’t seen it – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Florence Henderson is getting that Florida dick – Gawker

Amal Clooney reports for photo-op duty – Popsugar

Madonna killed Taylor SwiftICYDK

Please tell me either Jon Hamm or Chris Pine is playing Bradley Cooper’s fuck buddy in the Wet Hot American Summer series – Just Jared

Leave it to Nancy Grace to make Dr. Drew look reasonable – Jezebel

We already know that Ewan McGregor has a big dick, but I’m thankful to Colin Farrell for reminding everyone – (NSFW) MNPP

Riff Raff looks like a grown up Garbage Pail Kid on roids and meth. But would you hit it? – HuffPo

Pic: Getty

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Open Post: Hosted By Justin Bieber Looking Hotter Than Ever

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

The come-to-life Magic Diaper Baby doll that is Justin Bieber left a hair salon in West Hollywood yesterday covering most of his head and I’m guessing that’s because he didn’t want the paps to see his hot new haircut (a neon green half bowl cut with the profile of Usher’s dick shaved into the side). Or maybe he’s not covering his head at all. Maybe he’s just casually carrying the booster cushions he brings with him to salons because he hates sitting on the booster seats that dozens of peasant toddler butts have touched. He’s a snob like that. And if he’s trying to do an impersonation of all of us when one of his songs comes on, he nailed it!

Pics: Wenn.com

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Bruce Jenner’s “Journey” Will Be An E! Reality Show

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

When Kummy Kakes said Bruce Jenner was on a “journey” and said that he’ll tell his story, she meant to say that he’ll tell his story in front of E!’s cameras as soon as Pimp Mama Kris finishes brokering the deal and gets as much money as possible.

TMZ and UsWeekly says that for months and months E!’s cameras have been following Bruce around as he slowly begins to change his outside. TMZ’s post is very vague and they didn’t come out and say that Bruce is physically transitioning into a woman, but UsWeekly did. One of Bruce Jenner’s “friends” tells UsWeekly (via Gossip Cop) that he has been seeing doctors and is ready to go public with his transition. The friend says that Bruce was ready to fully let out his inner woman in 1990, but Pimp Mama Kris being the evil killer of dreams and hopes that she is, told him not do to it. But now that he’s no longer married to the mutated fart of Lucifer that possessed a wax Michael Jackson figure, he can let his hair down and live life. via Gossip Cop

Jenner is said to be now taking estrogen hormones, even as soon-to-be ex-wife Kris has “refused to accept the truth.” Us Weekly says the momager remains in “denial,” and quotes its source as saying “she has made no attempts to understand” what Jenner is going through.

In addition to what Us Weekly says is a “tell-all interview,” the magazine reports Jenner will also have an E! show “highlighting his desire to live as a woman and look like one.”

TMZ says that Kim, Khloe, Kourtney Kendall, Kylie, Krusty, Kweefy and whatever the other ones names are support Bruce, but PMK “lost it” at one point while he talked to his family about the changes in his life. How can she lose it when she never had it?

I never totally bought into the rumors that Bruce is transitioning. Part of me figured that Bruce subscribed to Siegfried and Roy’s brand of man glamour and discovered a love for having flowing locks and plumped up lips. But if it is true and he is showing his transition in front of the cameras, then I really can’t wait for the scene where Bruce breaks the black magic spell that PMK put on him by telling her that he’s going to do what he wants to do and she screams while melting into a puddle of black sludge. That’s going to be Emmy worthy.

And here’s PMK and Kendull Jenner at LAX yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Johnny Depp Knows Mortdecai Sucked And He Might Quit His Agent

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Human clothing donation bin Johnny Depp has made some incredibly shitty movies lately. For every What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, there’s 8 Dark Shadows. His latest crap sandwich of course is Mortdecai, a movie that appears to be a 2-hour long moustache commercial starring Johnny Depp doing a lazy impression of Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau. Well, it appears Mortdecai might be the poop that broke the camel’s diaper (whatever the hell that means), because Page Six says he’s considering quitting his agent of 27 years Tracey Jacobs.

Johnny has been with Tracey and United Talent Agency since he was on 21 Jump Street (that’s the definition of a ride or die bitch, in my option), but he’s allegedly “devastated” over his recent string of flops at the box office and thinks it might be time to move on before he makes another Transcendence or The Tourist. And according to a source, he’s approached ScarJo and Leo DiCaprio’s manager Rick Yorn. You know, because a dude who convinces you to do We Bought A Zoo or The Great Gatsby would never steer you wrong. Of course, when asked about the possibility of Johnny breaking up with Tracey, Johnny’s spokesperson Robin Baum said “This is not correct information…this is not true.

Maybe Johnny is quitting Tracey and wants to keep this all on the low, or maybe that source has busted ears and heard him wrong? Maybe Johnny was referring to how devastated he was after he forgot his floppy hat in a box at the office. Or maybe it was all just druggy pirate talk, like when he told reporters earlier today that he was attacked by a chupacabra.

Here’s Johnny at a photocall for Mortdecai in Tokyo today looking like he’d rather be at a soap and shower convention than still be promoting this shit:

Pics: Wenn.com

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