And I mean “hearwarming” in the literal sense.
No holiday season is one hundred percent complete until you’ve: 1) drunkenly cried into an empty box of See’s nuts & chews after fighting with your family and; 2) heard a touching tale of friendship and fuckery from America’s greatest state Florida.
The Northwest Florida Daily News says that 54-year-old Lee Vern Cook spent his Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in jail after he was arrested for sneaking in a crack rock into the ICU department of North Okaloosa Medical Center in Crestview, FL. Sneaking a crack rock into the ICU department of a hospital is probably an hourly occurrence in Florida (shit, they probably prescribe crack rocks in the ICU there), so that’s not what makes this story full Florida. What makes this story full Florida is that the ICU patient Lee Vern Crock gave the crack rock to nearly burned down the department when he tried to smoke it.
In the afternoon time on December 24th, Lee Vern Cook visited an unnamed friend in the ICU and turned into Crackie Claus when he gave the friend a special Christmas present (read: a crack rock). The patient, who was on oxygen, tried to smoke it from a homemade crack pipe and something went terribly wrong. The patient’s bed sheets, gown and oxygen caught on fire. Luckily for the other patients, the fire was put out quickly. Lee Vern Cook’s friend suffered some burns so he had to be shuffled off to the burn unit.
When the cops arrived, Lee Vern Cook not only admitted to bringing in the crack, he also admitted to hiding a loaded gun in the bathroom. He hid it in there after the crack fire broke out because he didn’t want to get caught with it. He was arrested and charged with possession of a firearm in the commission of a felony, arson, five counts of possession of a controlled substance and one count of possession of drug paraphernalia. The Crestview Police Department said that the ICU was not evacuated and shit could’ve been a lot more serious:
“The potential was there for a lot of damage,” said Crestview Police Lt. Donald Fountain. “It could have been a lot worse.”
Two things: 1) Lee Vern Cook is a better friend than all of my friends, because they didn’t bring me shit on Christmas Eve, not even a crack rock and; 2) Somebody should put together a book of Florida Christmas stories. This one can start with: “Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ICU...”