Or so Rihanna says. Princess Ooh-Na-Na posted several pictures of what she claims is her Christmas Tree to Instagram, and by all accounts it appears to be a Christmas Tree. There are presents. There are stockings (poor Debbie and her tiny-ass stocking. Robyn, you rude). It’s sparkly. But other than that, I’m not sure it’s actually a Christmas Tree. It looks more like a futuristic butt plug made by H. R. Giger for a giant alien robot, or a self-reflection seclusion tower from the Scientology Celebrity Center, or what a colorblind person sees when they look at Sandra Lee’s shitty Heirloom Noel Cake. Regardless, it’s glittery and huge and I’m sure the ghost of Goth Liberace is gagging over it.
As much as her Christmas Tree looks like The Iron Giant’s dick, RiRi has the right idea. RiRi doesn’t have to worry about any of her drunk friends pulling a Kiefer Sutherland and falling into her tree. She doesn’t have to worry about stepping barefoot in a pile of sap-covered needles or worse, on a glass ornament. Plus, when January rolls around, she doesn’t even have to take it down; she can just flip it on it’s side and say it’s a piece of modern art.
Then again, maybe this thing isn’t even for Christmas; maybe it’s the weed-fueled spaceship RiRi rode to earth in. Yeah, that’s got to be it. Here’s more of RiRi the Red-Eyed Reindeer and her spaceship before she started grinding against it while pretending to suck off a candy cane (you KNOW she did).