Fancy Lawyer Barbie Amal Clooney’s part-time Hollywood actor husband George has some major feelings about the Sony email hack. In case you’ve forgotten because your brain is too interested in St. Angie’s messy Cleopatra drama, several sad emails Georgie sent to Amy Pascal about the shit reviews for his film The Monuments Men were leaked last weekend. That would normally be enough to piss someone off, but it was Sony’s decision to pull The Interview that really set him over the edge. So much, that it made him angry enough to circulate…A PETITION.
George spoke to Deadline and told them about the petition he created with his agent to show support for Sony and unite as an industry to stand up to the terrorists threatening the release of The Interview, and confessed that NO ONE in Hollywood was brave enough to sign it. George’s letter is long as hell, so it’s hidden after the cut. By the way, it sounds badass if you read it while listening to “America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)“, so I suggest you throw that on to enhance your George Clooney American Hero Petition Experience.
On November 24 of this year, Sony Pictures was notified that it was the victim of a cyber attack, the effects of which is the most chilling and devastating of any cyber attack in the history of our country. Personal information including Social Security numbers, email addresses, home addresses, phone numbers and the full texts of emails of tens of thousands of Sony employees was leaked online in an effort to scare and terrorize these workers. The hackers have made both demands and threats. The demand that Sony halt the release of its upcoming comedy The Interview, a satirical film about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Their threats vary from personal—you better behave wisely—to threatening physical harm—not only you but your family is in danger. North Korea has not claimed credit for the attack but has praised the act, calling it a righteous deed and promising merciless measures if the film is released. Meanwhile the hackers insist in their statement that what they’ve done so far is only a small part of our further plan. This is not just an attack on Sony. It involves every studio, every network, every business and every individual in this country. That is why we fully support Sony’s decision not to submit to these hackers’ demands. We know that to give in to these criminals now will open the door for any group that would threaten freedom of expression, privacy and personal liberty. We hope these hackers are brought to justice but until they are, we will not stand in fear. We will stand together.
George also says that it wasn’t probably North Korea behind the hacks – it WAS North Korea, and that we shouldn’t let that human-sized baby Kim Jong-un tell us what we can and can’t watch. He also says that while we’re laughing about the celebrity aspect of the leaks, we’re missing the real story. I’m sorry George, but Alex Trebek acting like a no-fucks-given pepaw is my real story.
I’m a skeptical squirrel, so I can’t help but think this is part of a giant publicity stunt by Trey Parker and Matt Stone for the 10th anniversary of Team America: World Police. North Korea threatens America over the release of a movie, so George Clooney steps up to be the Handsome American Hero we need by publicly calling out Kim Jong-un and assembling a team of Hollywood super-soldiers that includes Mahky “I coulda stopped 9/11“ Mahk and Maaaatt Daaaaamon. Then they all fly over to North Korea on a giant bald eagle and kick the hacker’s asses and bring freedom back to America. Then six weeks later, a special edition 2-disc Blu-ray set titled America, Fuck Yeah: George Clooney To Save The Mother Fucking Day Yeah is released. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that that’s what’s happening here. I see you, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.